A Place for Me...

[MrsVee]

I'm not even sure how to begin this online "journal". So, I will begin simply by saying that my resolution for the New Year is to deal with my issues while my PA husband deals with his issues. I realize that in order to have any kind of healthy relationship moving forward (whether we stay married or not), I have to accept the fact that I was co-dependent thanks to my own dysfunctional family. Do I accept blame for his PA? Hell, no! However, I do accept that we seek out those that "fit" our emotional needs. Thus, I ended up with an addict.
Sadly, my husband is the kindest, gentlest man I have ever known and it breaks my heart that PA has thrown a bomb into what I believed was a happy home-life. I suppose I should thank God that it is making me face the reality of what was and what was not.
I am grateful that my husband is actively seeking the help that he needs. I am still grappling with the type of P that he ended up looking at. I'm not sure how it can be separated from s3xual preference or how I can be sure that he would never act on it. He insists that it was all about fantasy and I guess I can understand that....it's just very hard to understand the Jekyll/Hyde persona...

[Life-lies-trust]

I'm finding that talking (he is having to be honest with me and himself) is helping. It is not easy and I'm not sure that I believe everything but he is trying and not secretive at this point. HUGS from someone who understands.

[MrsVee]

So, he is here to spend some time with our children. It is my son's b-day tomorrow. I am trying to give them some space. It makes me uncomfortable when he sits with our daughter. It makes my skin crawl to see the unconditional love that she gives him. I hate that they can hug and laugh with him when all I want to do is shake him and scream in his face "what have you done to us????!!!" They have no idea the disgusting things that he took pleasure in looking at. Why do I have to know these things?? I am jealous of my own children...how normal is that?
I am in another room crying as I write because I don't want to fight in front of the kids. I cannot understand his need for the filth. I cannot come to grips with the fact that he "supposedly" never acted on the things that he viewed, has been viewing for over 30 years! Mind you, there was online chatting and a lovely video that he made of himself MB for someone else to look at. Our lives are in shambles and I want to crucify him for it but in the next instant I want to hold him and tell him that I love him. Because I do....I still love him. How can there be love when there is no trust left? It doesn't make sense to me.
How can we ever move forward when everyone in the state knows what he did?! How can I allow him to stay in contact with my children when my gut says that there may be a chance that he "could" act out on the things that he viewed? I've researched and researched and researched some more about PA and I'm trying to understand how it works...There are NO support groups for SOs of PA in my area. I have only one friend that knows everything. My family is completely disgusted by him and basically don't even want to run into him in the market.
He has a court date coming up and that will drum up all the sick publicity that has finally died down. How much more do we have to be dragged through the dirt? I didn't do anything wrong!!!

[pipster22]

It is so great that you have found this website, MrsVee. You have experienced a lot of pain due to your husband's addiction and unfortunatley it is not likely to go away anytime soon. Posting your feelings here is a very good way to express yourself, and like you have already done, use this as an outlet when you are feeling overwhelmed and need a place to write everything you are feeling. You will find much support here as everyone has experienced, in one way or another, what you are going through.

Although I am on the other side of the fence, being a PA myself, I can imagine how hard it must be for you to have a husband who views such disturbing things, and then continues to interact with your children like everything is dandy. I would suggest also possibly seeking professional help from a therapist in your area.. I think it would be very helpful and refreshing for you.

Keep posting here though, I can promise you will only find support from people who are in situations quite similar to your own.

Pippy

[mcp]

Mrsvee, you are right in your last statement, you did nothing wrong. It is his shame to bear. Not yours. In other countries, they stone the wife for the sins of the husband, not here. In this country, I belive most people will have couriosity and disgust for him, but compassion and empathy for you and your children.

Remember, IT AIN'T YOU!!!

[Life-lies-trust]

Mrsvee Repeat "I am not at fault. This is HIS problem." I think MCP is correct that you need to talk to a professional to help you cope. I have started talking to a counselor and it does help. You can yell. scream, cry and they really do care and listen. The counselor can also help you with tools to manage your anger and rage at this points. This can also be tools to help you protect your children.

Take care of yourself because you deserve it and so do your kids.>:D<

[WifeOfNewLifeMan]

Mrs Vee,

I have nothing helpful to add. I just want you to know one more person is thinking of you today and praying for you. Hugs.

[debv]

Mrs. Vee, my husband insisted the stuff he was watching was legal, but I have a feeling that's only because it's so hard to prove "community standards" on internet P. I can't imagine a community on Earth that would find what he was watching acceptable. That makes me wonder whether the stuff your H was watching involved minors. If it did, I would be very careful with his interaction with your children, just in case. Sorry to have to address this, but I was molested as a child and feel I have to say it.

I do understand your comments about the Jekyll-Hyde nature of your H's personality. I feel the same way. I wouldn't describe my H as the kindest, gentlest man I know, but I certainly would not have envisioned him as a monster, and that's the only way I can view someone who was watching the sort of P he was watching. I can't understand how I can still love him, but I do. I've had several weeks of being his accountability partner, so I do trust that he's stopped watching the P, but he's still lying to me (as recently as earlier this week) so trust in other areas isn't there. I think trust is different than love, though.

I'm sorry you're going through this. Most of us have gone through very similar feelings to what you're going through now. I hope you can find the support you need here. I also agree with whoever said above that counseling is a good idea for you. It'll help you sort out your feelings and improve your self-esteem.

[MrsVee]

I'm a person who uses music to help me break through to those feelings that I can't seem to express on my own. I listen to a particular station on satellite radio and man, have I been connecting with certain songs lately. Songs that I liked before but that now can literally bring me to my knees in tears.

"Higher" by Creed
"Savin' Me" by Nickelback
"Broken" by Lifehouse
"Rain" by Creed
:(("Someday" by Rob Thomas
=(("Whatever It Takes" by Lifehouse

I actually had my husband listen to "Whatever It Takes"...he broke down in tears and downloaded it to his mp3 player as his personal anthem. Here are the lyrics:

A strangled smile fell from your face
It kills me that I hurt you this way
The worst part is that I didn't even know
Now there's a million reasons for you to go
But if you can find a reason to stay

I'll do whatever it takes
To turn this around
I know what's at stake
I know that I've let you down
And if you give me a chance
Believe that I can change
I'll keep us together whatever it takes

She said "If we're gonna make this work
You gotta let me inside even though it hurts
Don't hide the broken parts that I need to see"
She said "Like it or not it's the way it's gotta be
You gotta love yourself if you can ever love me"

I'll do whatever it takes
To turn this around
I know what's at stake
I know that I've let you down
And if you give me a chance
And give me a break
I'll keep us together, I know you deserve much better

But remember the time I told you the way that I felt
That I'd be lost without you and never find myself
Let's hold onto each other above everything else
Start over, start over

I'll do whatever it takes
To turn this around
I know what's at stake
I know I've let you down
And if you give me a chance
and believe that I can change
I'll keep us together whatever it takes

[Crisodian]

MrsVee,
First, let me extend a warm welcome to TTF. I am the SO of a PA in recovery. I also am a non-P addict in recovery for a long time.

Your song choices are excellent. I too find solace in music. There is a thread here about songs that have meaning for us. Please feel free to contribute!

You've found a great place for support to connect with other SOs who have all been down this path. Once again, welcome.

Find a path to peace,
~C~