Life-lies-trust-SO

[Life-lies-trust]

After reading some more on the site I am bothered by the fact that DG had not remorse about what he was doing. It seems like he thought I had not rights to his time or for us as partners. This still bothers me but I trying to give him time to come out with reasons or excuses.

I am trying to stay positive about all of this but at times I still just want to screem "WHY???" I really hate what this has done. When we are together now he seems to be focused on us and we are spending more time together. At times the past comes back and I wonder when he is going to go back to his addiction.

Next week he goes to coaching and I wonder if the distance and stress will go back to like it was and the PA/MB be back in force.

Time will tell.

[Life-lies-trust]

Next issue what is so Da$$$ enthralling about MB? What does that addict get that they can not get from the real world and a caring SO? Well the depth of the lies keeps flowing out as to how much CR** was really going on.

Today is hard to deal with emotions and the fact that the last 30+ years have been based on lies. I was not worth the truth or worth being a person but as an object to be used as he needed. I was to be resented for having needs and wanting my partner.

Most of the time I can stay grounded in today but every now and then I seem to be morning what I thought I had in a relationship and what the true reality was. I was a blind idiot about his PA/MB that is CHEATING. Before we got married I was up front about my thoughts about cheating after watching my dad cheat on my mom for 14 years with the same person. So he did not have a real person but his PA and MB which was better than having a life with me. Where do we go from here? I do not know but a relapse is going to be really hard for me to forgive.

Try to remember one day at a time. Can we move forward without addressing the past? I do not know.

[Crisodian]

Next issue what is so Da$$$ enthralling about MB? What does that addict get that they can not get from the real world and a caring SO?

Sorry PAs. This is going to be blunt. It's selfishness. Pure and simple. The benefit of MB? They don't have to ensure that we as their partners are satisifed, or deal with our emotions, or the "entanglements" that come with S and a real relationship. PA is a selfish addiction. It's all about the addict getting satisfaction without feeling they need to satisfy us, their wives or partners.

That took me a long time to wrap my head around. Why my H would choose P when I was a warm body in a bed only a room away. It took me a while to understand that this was about his selfish behavior and his own rationalizations and excuses. It also took me a while to get over the anger once I really began to understand that this addiction was all about "him".

Have faith. It does get better with time. The emotional ride slows down. It doesn't stop. At least it hasn't for me yet. But it does get better with less frequent trips down "emotion street".

I was a blind idiot about his PA/MB that is CHEATING. [....] So he did not have a real person but his PA and MB which was better than having a life with me.

Yep. Early in my H's recovery I heard the exact same thing. "It's only pictures and movies, it's not "real". I didn't cheat. It's not the same." Yeah. BS. Sorry guys. But it's the same. You found pleasure and sxual relase by looking at other women. Cheating in my book, too. That's a hard challenge to get past on the days we struggle mentally. The only thing that worked for me is to find a way to tame my own brain. I am lucky. My H never took it to the next level. He never took it to real, physical cheating. So for me, the only way I found comfort on the days I was angry, was to remind myself that in his case, it did stop with pictures and movies. I'm not sure where I would be at the moment if he had taken it too the next level, to be honest.

Where do we go from here? I do not know but a relapse is going to be really hard for me to forgive.

There are many opinions on relapse. As a recovering addict myself, I know relapse is a possibility. BUT...that being said, I do concur with the opinions that have been shared that relapse to P is a choice at this stage. They know P hurts us as their partners. They know what P has done to our relationships. They know we are supportive and working with them on their recovery. If they relapse and choose P? That's a choice. And not a very smart one at that. Would I support my H through a relapse? I say yes but in reality I don't know how I would react either, which is why I support my H's "relapse is not an option" choice.

Try to remember one day at a time. Can we move forward without addressing the past? I do not know.

That's right. One day at a time. Some days it's even minute by minute.

We can move forward without dwelling in the past. We have to address it. Definitely. But we can't dwell there. And trips down memory lane can be very hurtful for us.

I took on just the other day when I re-read my offline journal when I first discovered my H's PA.

Whew. Not pretty and probably would have me committed somewhere to a nice padded cell...LOL

But it was hard. I had a hard day that day. Taking a stroll down memory lane hurts my recovery for me personally. I think it's different for everyone and everyone must make their own choice how much "history" they want to address and for how long.

The only thing I can offer is that moving forward by learning from the past is key. I can't stay in the past. I can't live in the past. I have to live in the now. Does it make the past hurt less? Nope. Not in the least. But at some point, I had to rationalize to myself that the past is the past. I can't change what happened then, but I can change what happens today and then focus on tomorrow.

HUGS and Peace to you. It's never an easy time on the emotional days. We've been there too. :)

~C~

[Life-lies-trust]

PA's this will not be easy for you to read! You have been warned.





Today is another downer again. Maybe about work issues this week that had me so mad that I cried (not an easy thing for me). This P/MB addiction is pure BS!!!! It is all about him, recovery is focused all about HIM!! He did not want a wife and lover but just a causual friend that could be used as he wanted. He felt that it was an inposition that I wanted a intimate relationship with my H. For awhile he had me convinced that I was asking way too much. How dare I invade his space.

I'm not sorry PA's but this addictions is mean, hateful, demeaning, cold, isolating and insulting to a partner. You are all about yourself and do NOT want a real relationship but get all upset and secretive when we do not roll over like a good dog and be quiet. What is so thrilling about this addiction? What is so great that a fake person is better than the real person?

I'm tired of being told this is only about him. It's his addiction that has to be faced by him. He is the one that need support system. He HE HE HE HE. He has treated me like a object that was not an assest to have but detementral to have to deal with. How dare I be upset about any of this because it was not about me. PA's this is another line of BS to me. Partnership is about more than one person and what happens effect all parties in the relationship. I guess that I am getting feed up with the standard statement and that they do not address issues but are to placate the SO's to shut us up.

Sorry Crisodian I'm finally in the mode that I'm getting feed up with the BS that comes with this P/MB addiction. Part of this is because I married someone who was 10+ year into the addiction at age 21. I'm getting tired of "I understand this is from your childhood and that you did not see that I was hurt." He just did not want to acknolwedge that I had feeling, needs, cares, and worries. How dare I ask anything and how dare I try to distrupt his wonderful world.

Still trying to understand what was go GREAT and fulfilling about his fansity world. I will never be able to compare to them. My next question is how soon will he decide that his world is better than me. This is want really is bothering me I think.

[Life-lies-trust]

Well I'm down to either depressed or really mad about this whole pile of #$%^. In two weeks I'll be talking to a counsalor because I really need to vent. I feel bad about wanting to make him feel my hurt and then feeling that he has no rights now.

The next issue that is really hard for me is that my dad cheated on my mom with the same person for 14 years. He even invited her to all our family events and trips. DG promised when we got married that he would not cheat and if he did I would walk out. Now look at the wimp that I am I did not know what he was doing. I tried to figure it out but could not catch him at anything. So this has to be my fault because I stayed with him. GRRRRRRRRR mad againm, at him, at myself, at his parents, at all those women he wanted and used in fantasy.

Finally got him to admit what was so great about his P/MB and the high he got out of it. That depressed me for two days. I'm tired of his choices from all of this and not sure how to handle it.~X(

Now when is this garabage going to end or come back into his life again? Waiting, Waiting.

[little_wife]

That was hard to read even as a SO simply because I've had those same thoughts. It truly is not fair. I've asked myself why so much of recovery is focused on the PA when it's the spouse who ended up F...ed (sorry, best word for this.) I finally concluded it was because if it wasn't for the recovery programs for the PA, there would be no hope at all for us SOs or really even for women. I'm convinced this is now an epidemic, and a problem women everywhere need to start addressing.

LLT, I'm wondering how much of your hurt has been acknowledged by DG? One of the things that (I feel anyway) seriously hampered my recovery was how slowly and stubbornly acknowledged the hurt he caused. And unacknowledged hurt is anger. As is being having an uncertain future. And i am sorry you're hurting like this. It really is not fair.

[Life-lies-trust]

LLT, I'm wondering how much of your hurt has been acknowledged by DG? One of the things that (I feel anyway) seriously hampered my recovery was how slowly and stubbornly acknowledged the hurt he caused. And unacknowledged hurt is anger. As is being having an uncertain future. And i am sorry you're hurting like this. It really is not fair.

Little_wife thank you for your input. Hoping that this too will pass.

He keeps saying he is sorry that he treated me badly but that he is also mad at himself for treating women like objects when he did not believe that was right. Now the 64 million dollar question how much of this is a lie.

I think what has me so upset is the 30+ years of lies and secrets. In two weeks I have an appoitment with a counsalor. I have been on the roller coster of depression to verry angry. This is so helpful for my ashma NOT!!!!! I really need to figure out is there anything to salvage from this relationship or should I kick him in the &&*** and leave. I am trying to work on the relationship but at times I really mad because I was not the one lieing and cheating so that I could have a minute of adrelien and endorphan high (PA's are all about theirselfs and what they want and to H*** with any one else.) GRRRRRRRRRR.~X(

[Life-lies-trust]

Well I found an article that explained the MB addiction and the physical and chemical parts to it. This was hard to read and then I had DG read it. The latest tails is that admitting that he has MB 4-5 times a week for years. I'm not sure how I feel because I'm back to analytical mode and emotions are in the background. This really makes more sense than the "I've only done it a couple of times a year" that was more BS again.:-L

Oh and the P was all about him and wanting something different. GRRRRRRRRR,.

[hopefulwife]

Reading this was an eye opener. Now I know that all of this was about him. Im not sure how I feel about that yet. But I think I might have my hubby read this too. I know it might be hard for him but I think it will be like a little cold water splashed in his face. I thing it will wake him up. It woke me up.
Thank you all for this info and your honesty.

[Life-lies-trust]

Today is more about his P hunt and the BS of "i was looking for someone like you". When he tells me something that smell like S$$$ I tell him so and then analytically explain (with out the yelling and tears) why it is BS. Normally I end with go think on it and tell me later what you come up with.

The only good part is knowing that he seems to be trying to unravel these addictions. Oh we also figured out that time of day can be part of this too.