Life-lies-trust-SO

[WifeOfNewLifeMan]

LLT-

Do you have a better relationship with your dad now? Its sad that he said and thought things like that about women. Is your husband and his attitude similar to your dad's? Sorry... being freudian here. :)

I don't know how you can change your mindset about yourself and your worth. But, you can "fake it till you make it." What I mean is... even if you don't think you are worth it... do it anyway. Go to the doctor. Do things for yourself.

You are showing that you think you are worthwhile by confronting your husband and not accepting his behavior. Would a woman who thinks she's not worth it fight to make her marriage better? If you really didn't care about yourself, you would lie back and let your husband do whatever. Even if he was unfaithful, you would at least have a husband. A woman deserves what she gets, right? But you are fighting. You are helping him confront his addiction and you are not taking any of this crap lying down. So.... you are worth it and you know it at least a little. You know that you deserve a husband wholly committed to you and you are working towards that. So, you are not your dad's version of a perfect, accomodating, blind little wife. GOOD FOR YOU!

[Life-lies-trust]

Part of my Dad's problem may have been that he and my mom HATED each other. They got married in 1950's in november I was born in 4 months later. So that may be the problem but I do not have much to do with my Dad even now. He is mostly involved with the person he married after my mom and my brothers.

[Life-lies-trust]

Watching Mamma Mia I had a melt down after the song SOS and the winner takes it all. For they both enbody all the feeling that I have had over the years. I let DG know how I felt and that I'm not sure about weather or not he he really has every wanted me in his life. This lead to a discussion about the day before where he was completely cold to me and why. We have a revised plan to get through his rough times.

My question to other SO's is how can we heal ourselves while we are having to help them with the recovery process. I feel at times that I still do not matter and after this is done and he has some healing that where do we go? It seems like all goals are about him and his addiction. I starting to feel like I'm to be the analytical one to help discovery and fight the addiction. But that my emotions should be barried because he has to heal.

I still wonder if I have not been part of his problem, no matter what he says. Is he telling the truth? Why could he not turn to me for help. He would rather have himself because it was the way he alway had it.

Last night he admitted that he had been a self absorbed little boy that lived in his world and had not grown up to an adult relationship. Does this mean over time as he grows we are finished? I know that I'm not a beauty but I have been caring, loving, loyal, and FRUSTRATED woman.

Sorry for the ramble just typing to get thought out of my head.

[Life-lies-trust]

Today I'm just blah. Bad head cold that is affecting my ashtma.

Take care all, hoping you have a better day than mine.

[Life-lies-trust]

I seem to have upset other members here. So maybe I should not post any more about any thing. I have been quiet about alot of what is bothering me so I'll just stay quiet, even in this journal. From the other member I feel that this journal should not be used as an honest look at the journey thru this mine field of stuff.

Sorry to those who I have upset.

[Crisodian]

LLT -
You are absolutely right. This is your journal and your place to post your honest feelings and opinions. This is your place to vent, rant, cheer, cry, or post about whatever other emotion comes your way. You have been very helpful to other members here so I am unsure why you feel you have upset so many?

Please do not feel you need to stay quiet. Bottling up emotions isn't good for your recovery.

Peace and Stay strong,
~C~

[FoolishMind]

Hey LLT,

Firstly, do not apologise for rambling (not that you are). this is your space, and you choose how you use it.

With regards to the below:

My question to other SO's is how can we heal ourselves while we are having to help them with the recovery process. I feel at times that I still do not matter and after this is done and he has some healing that where do we go? It seems like all goals are about him and his addiction. I starting to feel like I'm to be the analytical one to help discovery and fight the addiction. But that my emotions should be barried because he has to heal.

I still wonder if I have not been part of his problem, no matter what he says. Is he telling the truth? Why could he not turn to me for help. He would rather have himself because it was the way he alway had it.

From my personal experience LLT, and gaining knowledge from hearing and interacting with a number of SO's over the last 2 years, it is very clear that it has to be acknowledged that both the PA and the SO have to distinctly seperate paths on the journey to recovery.

The PA, is all about understanding what PA is, and understanding their own weaknesses and habits, to then put in place strategies and frames of mind to counter the habits and routines. The PA also learns about how an SO feels, and the effects it has on loved ones.

The SO, is all about understanding about PA too, only to be a supporting voice and not someone to dictate their journey. The SO's then have to focus on what comes first in their wish list. Trust should come last. as this is the hardest thing to grow back, and the PA should not expect this at all. Its debatable but you can still love and care without trust. The SO's goal is in some ways a harder journey, as you will have so many images and shocks that will stay with you for a very long time. But sadly, it does go back to the age old saying of time is the greatest healer.

A lot of your personal journey is solely dependent on your partner. as if your partner excels in his journey, it will only fast track yours. Of course if your partner is struggling, then, this will hinder your recovery. So the control you have on your own personal journey is limited, and that can be frustrating i know.

But I do beleive it all boils down to knowledge. Knowledge is the greatest power, and the more the both of you can learn, absorb, understand and put into practice, the sooner you will both see massive results.

Finally, I really dont think you have upset anyone, if any does get upset, im sure they will let you know, and you can explain that is possibly is a misunderstanding as sadly in written form it is very easy to misunderstand tone sometimes.

My thoughts are with you.

Frothy Milk

[WifeOfNewLifeMan]

LLT-

Don't leave your journal or the forums! You have helped me and I can't say that I really "enjoy" reading anything here because enjoy isn't the right word. But, I appreciate your presence here. This is your journal. And just like people have a choice to surf the net and not look at P, people here have a choice to click on TTF, and not read your journal. You are never intentionally hurtful or unkind to anyone, so try to relax.

[little_wife]

LLT, I totally agree with Crisodian, Foolishmind, and WofN,
Do not leave. Please. You might have angered someone, and maybe not (I never seen that you had, but I could easily have missed something), but your presence has probably helped many more then hurt. And besides, most of us SO's who first come here are angry no matter what someone says to them. I know I was. I've lashed out at people who didn't deserve it. but at least for yourself, continue coming here if it in anyway helps you. Hopefully you will find some community of comfort that can help you in your journey.

[Life-lies-trust]

Well today is total H%^&*(. My mother called to alert me that his mother was frantic about her son and that she need to be with him. NBS she is the major trigger for him and I'm trying to keep this C%%% that she Created from exploding. She came across to my mom that I do not have the right to keep them from him. We have been married since May 16, 1978. Does any son want to discuss PA/MB with his mother? Why can she not give us some space?

Anyone else have the mother-out-law like Marie in "Everybody loves Raymond". How do you get them to BACK OFF. She is the BIG Trigger and just hearing me on the phone that she plans to come down to check on her son almost set him off.

After I found out that we would never have children she told me that I would not understand her needs as his mother and her rights to know everything about him.

I feel so mad and upset that I'm not helping him clam down and stay focused.~X(