Life-lies-trust-SO

[Life-lies-trust]

wnlm Part of my problem is the 30+ years of lies and secrets. I'm having some trouble accepting this behavior even thou it is not about me.

[WifeOfNewLifeMan]

LLT-

I know! Its easy for me to say, but not so easy to do. So, I will tell you to do it. Let me know when you are successful and maybe I will be successful too. :)

Just read my journal, our last fight... ok... the last time I yelled at him was because I told him I want him to talk to his counsellor about why he thinks this happened with me and not with his ex. And he said, "If you think its important, than I will ask." That's when I LOST it! Of course I think its important that he was able to spend 5 years married to someone and never look at P, never leave her bed to go look at P and MB, never call up women and have phone sx or chat sx. Yes, I think it is very important to know why if its not about me, then why did he only do it while with me, and not with anyone else.

So, yes, I know its hard to accept its not about me when it seems like it does have something to do with me. I think this is just a question I will not get an answer to. I just have to keep telling myself that even though HE may have felt something was lacking, that was all him. That was his perception and justification to keep doing it.

BTW- He clarified his statement that set me off. He said it didn't occur to him to ask the counsellor because in his mind, it has nothing to do with me and is all about him and his selfishness.

[little_wife]

Today I'm in the why mode. Why did he need to MB?, Why did he need P? Why did he need serects?
Why was I not good enough for him? Why did he shut me out on communication? Why, am I hard or costic person? Why, am I not loving or pretty enough? Why WHY WHY?????

There are no answers and I feel down because I do not really understand the whys. I have tried to be supportive no matter what he has wanted to do in life and with health issues too. Why am I not good enough to share what he wants with. After all this time, lies, and secrets why do I still care and hurt?

I'm not sure there are answers to any of the questions.

hi Life-L-Trust. To me, the 'why' days are the hardest, so I'm sorry you're having a day like this. :( With most of life's problems, the more questions you ask the closer you come to an acceptable solution. With PA or probably any addiction, the questions lead nowhere. For me, I've decided, that human life is very much like life of all creatures--- brutal, and unfair, and unless we make a conscious decision to rise above it, we are no different then the animals. We're subject to the same biological and selfish drives. Thankfully, my husband does seem like he wants to rise above this now, but we both know, that if he goes back on autopilot, we'll be back in the same place.

[Life-lies-trust]

DG had me sit in on his session today. I told him and the counselor that he goes back I leave. I also, let both of them know that I had planned to confront him over the holidays about what the H### was going on. I was feed up with the cold distant person who seemed to only see me as a roommate. That is a roommate that bothered him by wanting interaction. I think I made my point.

I read CP post about people not being real addicts. Does 30+ years of creating your own fansity and relaity around P and MB an addiction. This includes shutting off emotions from your SO and that you can not understand the difference between real life with SO and your fake world?

Today is a better day I do not want to slap him silly for all the c&&p.

[WifeOfNewLifeMan]

LLT-

I am sorry, but I had to laugh when you said today you don't want to slap him silly! It reminded me of earlier today when my husband asked how I was and if I still have to work hard at resisting the urge to hurt him. Today, not so much!

Good for you on making your position known. I hope for both of you that he can and will beat his addiction. I hope for you that your position is 100% clear to you too because a firm stand is the only stand that works. If he is smart and loving and willing to be the man you believed in all these years, then he won't force you to choose to be without him. As I told my husband, I would rather be alone alone, than alone with him.

How are you taking care of yourself? Its so easy to focus on PA and the problem and putting on a happy face for the kids and everyone at work. So, how are you focusing on you?

Have a good day tomorrow and thanks for always responding so nicely and helpfully to me.

[Life-lies-trust]

LLT-

As I told my husband, I would rather be alone alone, than alone with him.

Boy!! You hit the mark with that statement. I hope he can do this because I'm not going back to what he was before.

LLT-How are you taking care of yourself? Its so easy to focus on PA and the problem and putting on a happy face for the kids and everyone at work. So, how are you focusing on you?

I talk with the counselor at school some, I have several friends, and I LOVE you SO here for the support and understanding.:x

[Life-lies-trust]

Well he is back at work today. No problems and low stress. (at least that is what he says.) I had to stay after school working with students who are trying to pass. He came to work in my room rather than be alone in his classroom. This is part of his plan for at school. So far so good. [-O<

[Life-lies-trust]

Well I have not been emotional very much at all. I seem to be in an analytical mode of ripping his world in his mind to shreds. Then putting the reality back together. This is not easy for him, but it has to be done.

[Desert Ghost]

Thank you for your support.@};-

[Life-lies-trust]

Today I had my Dr. Checkup and came to the understanding that my dismissing the extra tests that my doctor wanted me to take. I feel that I do not deserve to be taken care of. That I am not important. THis thinking has to stop.

I started this as a child when my dad would say " a woman should be pregant, in the kitchen, and quiet". I'm not sure if he cared how this effected me or not. Then to have a husban that turned cold and uncaring did not help. DG did not seem to care if I took care of my health or not. I just did not matter and should be invisable to everyone. Maybe this is why I have poored so much of myself into my careers.

This is a hard thing to admit and to have to deal with for me. I know that I should feel that I am worth more logically. But emotionaly is another story and I'm not sure about how to change and handle this.