Life-lies-trust-SO

[Life-lies-trust]

Hang in there Jenmac.

I thought today was going well and our counseling session went well. Then BAMBAM I open the email and MIL from H### has emailed DEMANDING that she be told what is going on. The we are so worried type which means he is MY LITTLE BOY and you will tell me what I want. She refers to an email that was sent on Jan 7, then I sent another on Jan 29 that said we were OK and dealing with issues and would NOT respond to anyone.

Here is the best she sent one of the nieces down to find him but did not look for me. HAHAHA yea we all know how she sees me. The B### that STOLE her baby from her. Well I do not have to respond to her but if she tried to break him I'll give her the full unvarnished truth of what she has done and how in the current world it is child abuse. GRRRRRRRRRRRRRR

I feel like running around screaming at the top of my voice and then punching something.

[Life-lies-trust]

Well after his counseling session today he asked me to RE-Send the message from Jan 29 that told her to LEAVE us alone. Next email from he I'm going to reply and it will NOT be nice. Something alone the line of "Leave us alone you have NO rights by LAW or by MORAL code to talk to us or to DEMAND we tell you anything." I know this is not nice to do but who would send their grand child down to get answers for them. OH yes she is "SO concerned"

Well I have come to understand that she isolated him from as many people as possible. Refused to take him to the doctor for almost anything until he was so sick that he needed medications. Controlled his every movement even as a Senior in high school. I have heard this type of behavior before and it was not about a controlling mother but an abusive predator to their victim.

He still made choices that I HATE but how can I hate the kid who knew no other way to act. An men being what they are (AKA you do not have feelings) he hid from everything.

[Life-lies-trust]

Well not response from the Monster yet but I expect her to just show up and will try to play the guilt card on who ever she can.

[Life-lies-trust]

What do all these others have that I do not? I feel like there is NO way out of this pile of crap.

We last night we had to go shopping (little food in the house). He also wanted a book so we went to the book store. Guess what pictures bothered him. Then he said he was ok. So we go to a super store for food and when we get to the check out he walked by each line looking at one mag. cover. Once we were in line he was staring at it and I did not exist. It is the 7 week mark , relapse time. How can I go anywhere with him if any picture, or female walking by will set him off. There is NO Way to keep anyone from seeing people in this world if you live with people.

My trust is at a low level right now because of last night. Today he admitted that he had urges that he fought off. Is this real or not I'm not sure. He has lied for so long that I do not know what is real yet. Then his sponsor told him that he should tell me that it is his recovery and if I see the addictive behavior start I should not say anything. I guess some of the SA members are under the ideas that secrets are GOOD and that being in a relationship should be put on hold because he is fixing himself and I should be GRATEFUL that he wants to be with me in the future. To me this feels like the "SHUT UP I'll talk to you when I decide you are worth it and you are not worth anything for all the stuff you had to deal with." SO maybe I should walk away because the PA here and at SA group are saying that this is all about him and only him and I feel that they are saying that I should crawl in a hole and come out when he decides to call me. I HATE THIS CR##. I HATE THESE FEELINGS that I'm part of the problem and just because I did NOT know about this it is partly my fault.~X(

Another though that hit today is If the addiction is not a bad thing then WHY does it have to be this deep dark secret. I feel that addicts know they are doing something that is not acceptable otherwise why would they keep it secret.

[OpenEyes]

Hi, LLT,

I have yet to actually attend the SAA group, though I went to it and it was cancelled. As for your part in the problem, guess what it is his problem, and you are the recipient of the circumstances. My SO and I have been talking of this and even though I am beginning my recovery, I also know she has been hurt like heck, and I have to be there for her, too. My recovery may have to be selfish, and consumming. But, that does not mean I stop being there for her. Your husband does need to let you vent, does need to see you get upset and does need to cry with you. Crying together is healing. It hurts but it heals. It sounds like his addiction is very strong, very deep and with the mother he has, as you descrive, it is understandable, but means a lot of work on his part.

Have a good long talk with him when you are both calm, and relate to him about the feeling like you are being told to "shut up". I know he loves you, I know he does not want you to feel like that. PA healing is selfish. It HAS to be about him. HE married YOU. You two have a life TOGETHER. MEans the PA healing has to take on a new dynamic. If part of the treatment is hurting your relationship, then seek alternative treatment. There exists tons. My SO and I have been reading many books about addiction, anger issues, ect. and we are finding out, learning about other just slightly related topics are helping shed new light on my issues, and how we both deal with them.

As for the Monster-in-law, if she keeps trying to contact when you send those emails, then it may be that he needs to send one, be blunt, be short and be firm. Sometimes a slap in the face is the only way to be noticed.

Just my opinions, I hope they help. I wish you both the best of luck and know my prayers are with you both, as well as for myself and Alika.

OpenEyes

[Alika]

LLT,

I am so sorry to read this, it must be absolutely awful for you. I can't see how you possibly can't or shouldn't be part of this. I may be way off here, and it is his recovery from addiction, but it can't be true that you need to back off and not participate and support (even when support hurts if he feels "caught in the act") when you also need to be there at his command? It sounds very, very wrong to me, and may be better left to some of the PAs in recovery to answer.

From a SO point of view, I have demanded that I participate and that we travel this journey together as we are a team, a couple, partners, friends, and both of us need to work through this, OE carries his addiction, I carry the hurt inflicted, and we are not getting through this as a married couple unless we are there for each other, also when it hurts, especially when it hurts. If we don't learn to confront the tough and painful matters, and talk them through, and solve them together, we don't learn how to cope with them, and the road to relapse will get shorter as the joint commitment is smaller. OE will have his own recovery in therapy, in SAA groups, with people he talks with, and he's free to share as much or little as he pleases with me, but not sharing his day-to-day recovery and possible urges and relapses, not talking with me about them, is NOT optional if he wants to be and stay with me. OE brought P and PA into this marriage against my will and knowledge, and my major requirement to continue the marriage is that it be P and relapse free, in return he can rely on me, also when the going gets real tough.

I am sorry, and apologizing in advance, if this seems harsh or even very harsh, but I am very upset on your behalf and the insignificant role the SO is given in general.

Hoping for the best for you, and hoping that you do something for YOU.

Hugs from Alika

[LostOne]

LLT - I just wanted to say thank you for your support. You are a wonderful person to be in so much pain, yet still reach out to others.

I understand all too well when you talk about hating all this and hating these feelings. Sometimes it can seem like dealing with H's PA is all-consuming and there are times when I wish I could simply shut my brain off and not have to think about it for a while.

I honestly can't understand why a sponsor would make such a statement. Secrets are not going to make anything better. Trust is such a fragile thing and even a hint of a secret can set off suspicions (whether valid or not) of more secrets, lies, and a return to addictive behaviour. You need to be able to ask questions, discuss feelings, fears, and get clear, honest answers. If that is hard for your SO, well, living with a PA is hard too, and you're there and doing it and trying to be supportive. He needs to meet you in the middle and support you too.

I agree that sometimes recovery for a PA means being a bit selfish, and that they need to be able to focus their energy on themselves and their recovery. Part of recovery though, is living a life without secrets.

Hugs to you and I truly hope today is a better one for you.

[Life-lies-trust]

Thanks all for the support. I use my journal here for my emotional melt downs rather than yelling and screaming at him. I finally have him talking to me about himself and I TOTALLY disagree with his sponsor that he should just tell me to shut up it's his recovery. We talked and he also feels that he does not want to do the secrets because he knows that is a destructive cycle to his addiction. I can now see the addictive cycle start at time and tell him gently if I can that he is doing something that is addictive in it nature. He says that until I say something he does not see the connections and that I am helping him decode the behavior.

I just was REALLY mad about the SA who wanted to break down what we have slowly started to build. I will NOT go back to the addictive relationship. I am done with that. Yes it is his recovery but it is also our recovery too. I feel that the SA person wanted him to only look for himself and that the relationship should just go away for a while. If this is true, it will result in a separation and probability divorce because I will not live in the relationship where he not talking to me and I'm not aloud to talk to him. This whole addiction is a hole to the center of the Earth filled with cr#p.

The other piece that I have not put in my journal before is that the parts of his past he would tell me a general statement like I was not aloud to have friends as a kid. I helped him look at this by asking analytical questions "Did you go to school friends birthday parties at their homes? Did your parents have to be friends of all the kids?" This aloud him to explore his past and understand why he was making some of his statements that he did not know where they came from. He has also discovered why he was afraid as a child and he got to this point by a question I asked him. With different questions I will tell him "This question is for you to think about and I do not need an answer." This is for him to think about an idea and make his own discovery. I have NOT asked to know everything but for the most part trying to help him. I have always tried to help and support him.

[Life-lies-trust]

Hi, LLT,

As for the Monster-in-law, if she keeps trying to contact when you send those emails, then it may be that he needs to send one, be blunt, be short and be firm. Sometimes a slap in the face is the only way to be noticed.

OpenEyes

His mother is a big problem and will continue but his counselor has advised him not to have any contact with her just yet. He is still dealing with issues from her and not ready to talk or have any other contact.

This is the woman who keeps telling me to eat something that I'm allergic to because it will not be that bad of a reaction. His dad told him to have me eat just a little so that his mother was not upset. Such a lovely caring woman NOT!!!!! She has also demanded that he show up for something that she planned and I can stay home.

My next action is that if she will not stop I'm planning the next bomb shell that will involve legal action if she does not stop. Maybe getting the counselor to help me word a statement to her that she can understand. I thought about the statement of "Get the F out of our lives!" (words spelled out).

[maggie]

LifeLiesTrust

That must have been infuriating to see your H looking at the magazine covers at the local grocery store. Ridiculous.

I'm not sure that I would have had the self-control not to grab one off the shelf, and stick it in his face as I walked out !

There is that human instince to look at the ' forbidden ' but an adult man, who is trying to recover from PA, should be able to look away.

If he can't control his urges out in public with other people and his wife right there, what is going to do when he is home alone?

Did he admit to looking at the mag covers or does he think you are making that up.