Life-lies-trust-SO

[mcp]

Well, not sure what to make of that 'hearing your parents' stuff. Um, duh, all of our parents had sx. Otherwise, we wouldn't be here. Not sure I buy that.

Mine hasn't come up with an excuse. Just sort of, when i didn't have a girlfriend, which was most of my teens and adult life, that was my sx activity. No tale of whoa or anything.

Your brother and father's cold comments and name calling is inexcusable. The damage they must have done to your self esteem. Now, hubby is getting on board. Did you ever tell them that their hurtful comments have set you up for low self esteem and they should be ashamed of themselves?

Nice when your own family bullies you. My father and brother did that too. Dad is dead, brother is a hopeless drunk wallowing in self pity. I survived, somehow. Yet, bet this has had an affect on my selections in partners.

He should want better for his children. He should want his kids to grow up with healthy opinions of sx, love and women. He should want his children to be able to give and receive love and respect and love themselves. P does not teach that. Parents do.

[Life-lies-trust]

In his childhood bedroom you hear EVERYTHING from his parents room. Believe me they are NOT quiet and do not check if anyone is awake. They would also have Sx when he was in the same room that would wake him up before the teenage years.

In my family I am the oldest then I have 3 younger brothers. My dad has said that his children are all boys and shows it with his actions. We do not have much contact at this time.

Thanks for your words. Husband verbaly has always said I was pretty but his actions speak louder than word to me. So he though all was fine. We have also discovered that he was not living in reality of this life time, but in his mental reality of warped world.

[Life-lies-trust]

Ok now I'm mad again. He tried last night to tell me his feelings were just like and empting of a glass of water. When he finished his hunt that he was a peace and empty of emotion.

A little while ago I told him he is still lieing. This is a Sxl problem that has to be addressed. Start going through the trash of his mind and get ride of the secret. I know that this is not just looking because he admitted to me that in his mind we had a very active intimate side to our relationship. BS!!!!!!!!!! In his mind maybe but when you refuse to touch your wife for days, weeks, or months at a time and you feel satified some S**H is happening somewhere!!!!

I just want to screem at him "STOP THE SECRET LIES". He says that he is having problems bringing out some parts of his mind because they are like a gray mist. I feel like taking the cast iron frying pan to his head (maybe it would help). I will contain my rage but I'm still MAD!!!.

[WifeOfNewLifeMan]

LLT-

I think you will find the lies keep coming for a while, even when he says you know everything. Check out my journal... count my "day 1 with no lies" count. I finally stopped counting. I don't know now if I know everything or if my husband is still lying about stuff. I will nerver know, because he has destroyed my trust with his sweet face and lying tongue.

I don't know why they keep lying. I held evidence in my hand. He saw me dial the number to the charge on the credit card bill. Yet until the second the woman on the other end told me what it was, he still denied it. He denied it even then until I walked out and he thought I wasn't coming back.

I think they are so used to lying about this out of desire to keep going, and guilt and shame... its second nature.

If you guys work it out, then this is your new reality. It is possible to rebuild trust I suppose, but it is a lot of work and takes time. At this point, just keep expecting lies. He is in self preservation mode. No one wants to expose their dirty inner secrets.

I know there are legal issues involved in your situation. But do you think he really KNOWS he has done wrong, to you and to himself, or is he just upset at getting caught? It makes a big difference in how you two will move forward.

I wish you well and don't grab any frying pans today, ok. :)

[Life-lies-trust]

Wnlm he is the one that asked for help. He ask and found a counselor and is going once a week. First meeting just him, second meeting they asked me to join them after a few minutes.

I keep asking questions that he has to think about. His world was a very deep secret that was compusilive kept. So not email, no phone charges, no downloads, no records. Till sometime in the last few months where he surfed where he knew he would be caught.

Says that he does not want to go back again and does seem to be talking and not blaming me for any of this. He told me "You are ok I'm the one that is totally messed up. I need to kick this but it is not going to be easy or nice."

I'm still here because he has supported me in all my endeviours (no moneywise) and believed in me. I'm trying to support him in recovery. If he slips I'm not sure how I'll handle it. Just take it one day at a time.

[WifeOfNewLifeMan]

LLT-

I am amazed when someone asks for help without their spouse or SO threatening to leave. I kind of believe it more when they decide they need help, instead of getting told they need help. I wish you both well and I am always in awe of couples who can work through this together.

[Crisodian]

I have to agree with WoNLM here. IMO, when a person admits an addiction and seeks help for themselves, without a SO ultimatum, I believe they are serious about getting help and admitting their problem.

Peace,
~C~

[Life-lies-trust]

Today we went to my mom's and step-dad's and explained what has happened. Unlike the BS from his family we got loving consern and support. They are so great without judging and yelling. It was hard to tell someone in the familly but I choose them for the support.

My in-laws have been blaming me for the fact that he does not want to talk to them. TG we live in another town 1.5 hours away.

Today is better than yesterday but still waiting to see what happens with work and the law.

[Crisodian]

That's such a huge positive step! My H still has not admitted his addiction to any of our family. He and I discussed he would prefer to keep it that way and I agreed. He has shared his journey with close personal friends but his family would be useless for support and mine is too far away to be of any real assistance.

I'm glad you found your family so supportive. IMO, the bigger the support structure the bigger the success.

Peace,
~C~

[Life-lies-trust]

Crisodian
My Mother and step-father yes others do not know. His family is the problem and part of the triggers. I really just want to slap them all. Then I want to take his mother "HE IS NOT A LITTLE BOY ANY MORE!!!!!!! HE IS A MAN THAT DOES NOT HAVE TO ANSWER TO YOU FOR ANYTHING!!!!" then I want to tell her to keep her controlling ways to herself.

I do know that when it comes to his family knowing about this it will be my fault. I put these thoughts into his mind that he was fine before he meet me. I have to be the problem and he need to leave me and move back with his mother who loves him.