Life-lies-trust-SO

[Life-lies-trust]

First I have asked him over the years of our marriage what was going on. I could not find any proof of an affair (with a person). Then I was shown a picture of him looking at P at work by a student on a cell phone. I had to report him and he only was upset about himself. This was the first time I knew that he was into P because he always told me it discussed him. I had only caught him once in 32 years MB. Not all his pictures are P but standard advertisement pictures that would not be called S#xy at all except by him.

I started out in December and told him if he relapsed he had to tell me within 24 hours. Since then he lost his job over this, had relapsed for a month + long binge and still denied he did it (says he does not remember looking at P & MB also). I have even looked at the reports from work that showed what he was looking at. He did not care about anything but this addiction. He has been doing this for years and hid it from everyone. He is trying but if he has even a nanometer of wiggle room he will be back at it again. He has admitted that this is how he is thinking. So I'm being the cold B$$ch and not taking any excuses as to why he needed P/MB. It is just not acceptable.

[Life-lies-trust]

He wants to know when I'll start believing him again. I just tell him it is going to take time with NO LIES at all. We started over on the trust building when he relapsed and then 3 weeks later to have him admit that it really started the first part of February not just 3 days in March. ~X(

I feel like I have been living an illusion for all of our time together. He keeps saying but I was not always acting as an addict. So what he lied, cheated, deluded us and just only carred about himself. How dare anyone come between the little boy and his play thing (aka himself).~X(~X(

[WifeOfNewLifeMan]

LLT-

I know just what you mean. I used to post a lot of journal entries with "day 1 of no lying" but I had so many day 1's from him I just stopped. When do we start believing in them again? What's the answer? Can he answer you when he will stop lying and promise to never hurt you like this again? There are no magic answers, from the PA or the SO. And then they get hurt when they tell you they are being genuine and you don't believe them because you believe in nothing and then get the silent treatment. Oh wait, that's happening to me, not you!

I hope your husband can realize that it is going to take a LONG time. And its not just about believing in him, its about trustng yourself to actually know what's true and not true. After being in the dark and wrong for so long, its hard for an SO to trust the PA if we can't trust ourselves to know truth from lies. So, its easier to believe nothing, or believe the worst than to give the benefit of the doubt and get crushed again. I find that to be the case for me any way.

I hope you have a good day.

[Life-lies-trust]

I love the line Men are logical and women are emotional (sarcastic). I am finding that the addict has NO LOGICAL though process at ALL. They deal with nothing, handle nothing, hide from everything, and refuse to face the world. Then they get mad when we SO's require the little boy to grow up and face the world as a real adult.

[Life-lies-trust]

Today is how dare I bring up that I can not trust him because he is a compusive lier. This makes me so mad he just does not get how pissed off I'm about his words and actions. "How dare I not trust him now. Look at what he is trying to do." How dare I bring up that I just found evidence that his relapse started my February 3 not just a few days in March that ended March 9th. He lied and lied and lied again everyday from sometime before Feb 3 through March 9 and 10th.

He expects me to just believe him and not question his words or motives, Because he is moving beyond that. Well I feel like when is he going back to his safe "lovable" fantasy and MB. He does not understand why I do not believe him even when he says I'm clean.
On March I questioned him about P/MB and he PROMISED that he KNEW that he had done NOTHING that was not allowed. Then 2 days later he looses his job over the SAME BS Issues of looking at P at work.

I have also come to believe that P is not the only place that he built his Fantasy from but that ANY WOMAN was a possible victim of his ideas.

I am SO MAD at this time about his how dare I repeat my disbelief of him. I feel that he is saying "SHUT UP B###H I know what I did and I do not have to be accountable or look at it again EVER!!!!!" I want to kick his $$$ up around his ears at this point, but I'll just go quiet and not talk till I calm down. I have plenty to either read or grade.

BTW I am making him feel bad and I'm not aloud to do that to him, because it might affect his recovery. He is not to feel bad about anything that he has done and it is ok that I feel that he sees me as a worthless object to him. I should just throw my self out with the trash. I have always supported him and told him he was a good caring person. I'm an IDOIT to keep listening to this cr$p.

[Life-lies-trust]

Now it is my fault that he is not making progress. Yes the addict is a lieing, cheating, decitiful person and 5 weeks of "I have not done anything that I should not" does not gain back trust. Expecialy after LIEING about 1.relapsing. 2. when he relapsed. 3. how long the relapse was. 4. What he did during the relapse P AND MB that he promised he had not done.

If he is really doing the 12 steps he is still at step 1 or 2 because HE admits to NOTHING until I pose the question about it. He is not looking within himself and to his sponsor for help. I do not think he really is serious but is doing the SHOW of how hard he is working.

I asked him to think about what kind of job he wants and now I"m stress him out because he does not know what he wants to do. I am causing him to feel bad about our finicial health and that we need his income to pay for the bills. So if he relapses it is my fault because I made him feel bad.

It is ok that I am an object that should be kept in the corner and not talk until he wants to hear from me.

I just want to sit down and cry. Why did I cause this and why do I have to do the work to fix us. I did not BREAK us he did from the second month we were married.

[WifeOfNewLifeMan]

LLT-

I am sorry you are having such a rough day. Are you both still going to counselling? Is it helping you?

Nothing can help you feel less hurt and angry when the behavior continues. I hate the feeling of having to DIG DIG DIG to get to the truth of things. Its hard to know what to believe. I don't think you are wrong to still be hurt and not trusting.

Don't believe for one second that you getting mad will lead to HIS relapse. If he goes back to P/MB, that is his choice. When you were patient and understanding, he went back to it, didn't he? So, NOTHING you do will make him quit and NOTHING you do will make him relapse. If he is stressed or upset or whatever and goes back to it, it is his choice. Everything else is just an excuse. So you are NOT responsible for his behavior.

I do think counselling can help with learning how to constructively express anger for both the SO and PA. I probably could have used some counselling in the early days so I could learn to channel my rage. I am glad to know you are smarter than I am since you have looked for help.

I can see you have changed from when you first came here. It seems like you know your own value now and realize that no one can tell you to sit and shut up and take it because you are a woman. You are a person, and you seem to realize that more now. Bravo.

I hope tomorrow is a better day for you. Hugs.

[Life-lies-trust]

wnlm we are in counseling but it is once a month as couple and once a month for me (financial reasons why not more often). Thank you SO MUCH for the support.

Yesterday was just one of those days that things are percieved as negitive and then drove both of us into our negitive thoughts. We finally talked at about 10:30 pm last night. He jumped at me for saying his track record is rotten and I then went negative and stopped talking. When we talked again I realized that what was driving me was that I had started to feel he was pulling away again. We set up rule that we can get upset but that after a couple of hours we have to cool down and talk about it. He has NEVER faced emotions that result in conflict other than using them to feed the addiction. So we are like a new couple from his point of view and for me it is like why the H#LL did he not talk before. This is going to be a long and hard and at times hurtful process.

I still am not sure that he can keep his promises and I do get tired of having to point out to him when his attitude is slipping into the addictive pass practices. He still does not see most of these attitudes until I point them out. I do not want to have to point them to him I want him to see them for himself.

[Life-lies-trust]

Well he is getting withdrawn again so I see only time before I have to make the decision about separation. He can not afford to live on his own because he has no job at this point. I have brought it up to him that he is showing addictive behaviors but it is like talking to a brick wall.

It is wait and see time again.

[JenMac]

LLt,
I am sorry to hear you are having such a tough time. It seems to me that weekends are like that for some reason. Maybe it's because through the week we have our work to think about and it helps to distract us from this issue.
We had a tough weekend as well. I keep talking about the 2 different levels that I exist on right now. It seems like I am able to go along on one level and deal with everything in an almost philosophical way and then I drop down to my emotional level where I have to deal with the real reality of it and it throws me for a loop!
I do believe that this is necessary to our recovery process though, for us to have to deal with the bitter reality of it all.
It must be very difficult for you to deal with all of this as well as the loss of your h's job. I am so sorry you have to go through all of this and deal with that too.
I hope we both have a better day and can find some peaceful moments. I am trying to tell myself to seek out peace for my own wellbeing. Hard to do but very necessary! I could see myself becoming sick over this if I don't get rid of this knot in my stomach! I can't let another's addiction pull me under as well. I am trying to convince myself, not an easy task!!