Life-lies-trust-SO

[Life-lies-trust]

Well today the counselor gave him a homework assignment and he lost it. Was totally pissed off at her, "How dare she require that I report to her." Through this we have exposed that every time in his life someone have told him how something needs to be done he gets angry and then hugs the addiction.

I told him today that is seems like his addiction is " Like Linus with his blanket." He will do anything for his blanket and that his blanket will protect him, hide him, comfort him and be his strength through life.

He has be sulking, isolating, crying, pouting all the things a little boy does when his blanket it taken away for the first time or for good.

[Life-lies-trust]

Well I was right that he was hugging the addiction. We have worked through this tonight and now realizes that the addict was back in control. The reason is because he miss understood a combination of statements and actions. Then I followed the plan that he had asked for when he left any meeting. We now have revised that plan.

The addict is getting desperate for a fix. Friday is the end of the month of celibacy. If he can stay in control that long. Not sure what we will do if he relapses. This is a big fear of mine and I talked to the counselor today about it. She said this is a normal reaction to waiting for the other shoe to fall.

Back to work tomorrow, I worry that he will follow his plans and keep clean.

[Life-lies-trust]

Well today I'm in the mind still of when is the other shoe going to fall? Is he going to tell me or is he going to play the I do not know routine again. I really hate that line and this weekend he again went back to his cave. He did not act-out but started the I'm in my shell and I do not need anyone or anything but my addiction. GRRRRRRR I hate this why does it have to be so D$$m hard for them to stop?

The other idea that he really hates is I told him that from my perspective he has chosen this addiction over everything and has not care what happens just how to get his next fix.

[WifeOfNewLifeMan]

LLT-

What a roller coaster, eh?

When you tell your husband that he has chosen his addiction over everything and cares about nothing else... you said he hates to hear it. But, even if that is your perspective, it is still clearly true. He lost his job, faced criminal proceedings.... all for P. So, if that's not choosing it over everything else, I don't know what is.

My husband gets defensive too sometimes when I bring up stuff. But, then he thinks it out, and comes back to discuss things without being defensive. Does your husband do this too? It seems so from some of your posts and his posts. It is hard for them to change these habits even when it frustrates us completely. As long as he keeps coming back to you... maybe someday openess will be a new habit.

How goes the homework assignment? And, if you want to share, let us know how the end of the month-long celibacy goes. How do you feel about resumed relations? How about your husband?

I hope today is a better day for you.

[Life-lies-trust]

LLT-
My husband gets defensive too sometimes when I bring up stuff. But, then he thinks it out, and comes back to discuss things without being defensive. Does your husband do this too? It seems so from some of your posts and his posts. It is hard for them to change these habits even when it frustrates us completely. As long as he keeps coming back to you... maybe someday openess will be a new habit.

Well his big problem is refusing to be open. His life is about secrets and not living in the real world. He says he is NOW trying to change. Finally after loosing his job and years of shutting out everyone EXCEPT his mother who pushed the buttons to feed the addiction.

How goes the homework assignment? And, if you want to share, let us know how the end of the month-long celibacy goes. How do you feel about resumed relations? How about your husband?

I hope today is a better day for you.

Homework he went off like a missile. "HOW DARE WE TRY TO CONTROL HIM AND HAVE HIM REPORT ABOUT ANYTHING". Yea went really well NOT. The addict took control and went into orbit about this. No acting out but the word of hate were there and refused to see the logical part of the system. Took 7 hours to get him to see reality and that he HAS to be accountable with is actions and plans. It finally took me telling him that he was "Using addict's words and phrases."

The celibacy he is having a really hard time with and is NOT getting any piety from me. My replay is well live with it you have been doing this to me for YEARS!!!!.

Then I have to deal with the students that his actions seem to be that he DUMPED them in favor of his addiction. This just makes me mad.

[Life-lies-trust]

How do I call it quits when he is trying. I worry about a relapse since the one he has had cost him his job and has put us in a financial bind to pay the bills. Is it reality to expect him to stay clean with no more relapses? Any input would help.

[WifeOfNewLifeMan]

LLT-

This is a personal decision for you. I think you know that I have a "no relapse" policy. But, not everyone does. I will be interested to see what other people say.

I don't expect perfection. I know there will be days when my husband and I fight, or he will get defensive, or he will close up and not communicate with me. And, there will be days when he wants to look at P. When he wonders what he is missing. I can accept all of that and deal with it. I have learned to accept that my husband enjoyed P and interacting online or on the phone with other women and had more "fake sx" than real sx with me. And he was happy with that. And some days, he might still wish he can go back. I can deal with all of that. I don't expect perfection in thought or words. But I do expect zero relapses. He knows the truth of what he has done. He has gone through counselling and recovery group. He has accepted the wrongness of what he did, and he is committed to becoming a better man. Now that there is truth, and not denial, he can't go back blindly. He knows that there are consequences of his past actions. And he knows that the consequence of ANY relapse ever will be that I leave and take our children (not that he would lose access, just day to day family stuff). Now that he has accepted the TRUTH that this behavior is intolerable for me, one wrong choice is a conscious choice to lose me. He can't tell himself that it won't matter or it won't hurt me. He will have to tell himself, I know if she finds out, I lose my family, but P is more important so I will take my chances.

For me, after my long drawn out response, it is that he knows the truth now, and if he goes back, it is because he truly doesn't care about losing me. The only thing that made him quit and seek help was knowing that there would be severe consequences otherwise. I feel that if the consequences are off the table, he has no incentive to quit. I hate that he needs the incentive though.

This is just for me. I know other people feel differently and I fully respect other people's approaches to marriage, relapse and support. You will find your own way that works for you.

[Charly22]

I agree with WONLM in regards to this being a personal decision for you, noone else should make this call. It is a tricky balance, a fine line that only you can draw. But, you see him trying....he should get some credit for that. And I know the PA's will explain how devastating it is when they do relapse, and the dark place it takes them to, and the stronger the pull becomes to just keep "covering the pain"...."medicating"....and how easy it is to get depressed and feel like its hopeless, they did it again, its hopeless, they'll never be able to stop. So, I think there's something to be said for when there is a "mistake", that they are allowed to feel like just because they made a mistake doesn't mean they have to quit trying. I'd like to hear from some of the pa's on this one........an honest view of do you think it would really really help you stop forever knowing you can't make a mistake? Or do you wish for room to make your own mistakes....wish for someone to help you when you fall and say "cmon..try again?" Please share with us

[Life-lies-trust]

WNLM I have decide after talking to DG that no tolerance policy is the only way he and the addictive side can find recovery. Before his relapse that cost him his job he was to tell me within 24 hours of a lapse. This did not happen and tonight we analyzed that he had probably been looking at P at work for a month before he got caught AGAIN. So I will keep the NO LAPSE ALOUD policy.

Thank you for your input.

[WifeOfNewLifeMan]

LLT-

Like I said, this is an intensely personal decision. I hope things work well for you two. What does DG think?

I hope you have a good day.