Life-lies-trust-SO

[Life-lies-trust]

Well yesterday he may have discovered the long hidden emotions where this really turned into an addiction rather than a child's expiration. How could a parent take a child of 8 to 10 years old to a funeral home with no explanation and when mom had gone into the hospital to have a baby and asks the kid "what was the baby's name going to be if it was a boy." Then follow that with "it is DEAD". The only other statement to the child is "Do not tell your mother I choose her because she will have a break down and go away."

Then a neighbor lady took him to the grave his dad did not the lady help him get some flowers and he asked her "is my little brother in the box." At this point I do not want to EVER speak to his parents again. Yes they were hurting but how can you be that crewel to your child? (Yes they are both addicts too to alcohol, s3x, food, and who knows what else)

[Life-lies-trust]

Today we went to my mom's church. Normally go there for Christmas services. The pastor talked with us some after and offered to help how every we needed.

DG is finally understanding what religion is about no matter what the flavor is about.

Trying to keep focused on today and the future rather than staying in the past. Tomorrow spring break is over and it is back to work. Hopefully I can keep focused on without over obsessing about the past. We can not go back but can work to go forward.

We are working on a month of celibacy. HAHAHA he is finding that it is not fun. BTW I have not been easy on this but will do stuff that I knows interests him. =)) (Ok!! yes this is some payback) The evil giggle comes out once and awhile.

[Life-lies-trust]

Well I'm back to work for the next 9 weeks. This entails DG being alone at home for 10-12 hours a day. He could not resist his addiction when it cost him his job. So how is he going to do now? He promises (AGAIN) to be good and fight the addiction but he clams to have a mental block about when he is being controlled by his addiction. My question is how soon before he relapses again and will he follow our agreement to tell me. If I find this after 24 hours then I decide what I will accept from him.

When I'm at home I'm not so worried but when I'm by myself and knowing that for almost 40 years he has had this addiction I'm not sure he has any control at all. He does not reach out to others for ANYTHING. This addiction means that he has to reach outside of himself to be able to fight it. You can not fight with two halves of your brain because they know what the other half is thinking. I really HATE all of this but I'm trying to keep a positive out look.

I really do not know if DG can even find the way through this pile of cr$p. I just Pray for some light into this black hole of H3ll.

[Life-lies-trust]

Had Doc appointment today and we figured out that my blood pressure is playing roller coaster from normal to high, and it is due to stress of all this cr$$ with DG. I told him what the Doc said and what was the problems. This is just great now my health is an issue with all the cr$$ that he has been doing. Grrrrrrrrr.

I am using this journal to try and keep my blood pressure under control rather than exploding what at times sounds really, really, really, good idea. Maybe this is why I have been having lots of headaches lately.

Take care everyone and I hope you are handling the pressures and stress better than I am.

[Life-lies-trust]

Well today has just been busy all the way around. DG is starting to share a little and be a little honest about himself. In a mellow mood at the moment.

We listen to an interview with the author of "The Shack". That was hard but enlightening.

[Life-lies-trust]

Worried about when is the sobriety will come crashing down and everything goes back to the SH$$ Ho$$.

[WifeOfNewLifeMan]

LLT-

How are things at work? Are people being kind to you? I hope you have at least something good going for you. I know you are having a hard time with being at work and your husband being home all day. Has he put limits on the computer? Maybe there's a nice big project he hasn't had time to get to like finishing a basement or building a deck. :) What's the saying, "Idle hands are the devil's playground" or something like that.

Hugs to you today.

[Life-lies-trust]

LLT-

How are things at work? Are people being kind to you? I hope you have at least something good going for you. I know you are having a hard time with being at work and your husband being home all day. Has he put limits on the computer? Maybe there's a nice big project he hasn't had time to get to like finishing a basement or building a deck. :) What's the saying, "Idle hands are the devil's playground" or something like that.

Hugs to you today.

THank you for the concern.

The other staff have been supportive but the students want answers that I am not willing to give them. Some of them have told me that it is their right to know why he resigned. I just refuse to answer them.

I have install K9 on the computer. The netbook and his computer hard drives are locked in my classroom. My eeetop power supply is in my pack that goes with me to school. He says that he is finished with all the cr$$ and wants to dump it in the trash but understands that is a life long fight. I do spotty checks on the system but not at regular time frames.

Big project is FIX his self!! or else!!! The other big projects require money that we are now limited on because the PA could not keep his head in reality while at work and HAD TO LOOK AT P. Then tried the "I do not know what happened."

Some times I feel like kicking his a$$ about all of this. I know that the addict does not have real rational though process but it still Pisses me off.

[Life-lies-trust]

After reading WNLM journal for today I realize that I was really blind the one time I caught him MB. He promised me that he did not do it often and that he would stop. I grew up in a house where boys were dominate and that their s#x drives allowed anything and a woman was not to cross the line. I had no clue about the P but every time that I have check his computer I could not find anything. So I had nothing but a gut feeling that he had a secret that I was not to know about.

I knew men do MB at times but he always said that it was not something that he wanted when I asked about it. Why it was harder to catch him is the nature of his addiction was not in collecting. He also never used anything that cost money because I do the finances in the house since we got married. Not sure if this was a blessing or a curse.

This month long celibacy (started 03/09/10) that we are enduring I'm having some fun with. He has NEVER gone a week without his nasty world but would not touch me for week to months at a time. So I'm having fun with some of his reactions and the HAHAHA I can handle this it is old hat to me. He is starting to climb the wall some and I am not taking any PITY on him.

[WifeOfNewLifeMan]

LLT-

Jusr a question about the month long celibacy. What is the purpose of it? I mean, when your counsellor suggested it, was there something you both were supposed to do or focus on during this time? Just curious.

I read your daily hi's and low's and even if I don't always comment, I am still thinking of you and wishing you well.