Life-lies-trust-SO

[Life-lies-trust]

Well today was rough and tearful for me. He refused to use his action plan and is do the "I do not know why". "I do not remember this even with the documents in front of him." This is where I'm tired of hearing I do not remember. Well I told him he better figure it out and stop suppressing the stuff he just does not want to deal with or admit to.

The counselor told him that he is lucky that I'm still here but I'm not sure if that had any affect on him. He is into the poor me act at the moment.

[little_wife]

Well today was rough and tearful for me. He refused to use his action plan and is do the "I do not know why". "I do not remember this even with the documents in front of him." This is where I'm tired of hearing I do not remember. Well I told him he better figure it out and stop suppressing the stuff he just does not want to deal with or admit to.

The counselor told him that he is lucky that I'm still here but I'm not sure if that had any affect on him. He is into the poor me act at the moment.

What a terrible thing to be going through. My heart goes out to you.
But this I-do-not-remember-Thing, I don't get. Is he telling you he doesn't remember what lead up to him going back to this in the classroom the other day? Or he doesn't remember doing it? Or are you talking about not remembering all the things he's done through the years? If it's about not remembering things from this particular incident, I'd be ticked. I'm only so forgiving. His "not remembering" sounds like an excuse to not talk about it. He might as well just spit it out, and start dealing with it, so you can both move past it.
How is school going now? The kids or anybody haven't found out why he resigned have they? Do all the other teachers know? Is it hard for you to go into there still?
Well anyways, llt, many hugs to you for now.

[Life-lies-trust]

What a terrible thing to be going through. My heart goes out to you.
But this I-do-not-remember-Thing, I don't get. Is he telling you he doesn't remember what lead up to him going back to this in the classroom the other day?

He says he does not remember doing it and that had no clue when it happened or how. If you do not admit to it it does not exist.

Or he doesn't remember doing it?

Now he says oh maybe he did it once for one picture and has no idea why he did not use his action plan. He says "I'm confused as to what has happened". More BSBSBSBS

Or are you talking about not remembering all the things he's done through the years?

Well he says the years are a fog and can not remember any one thing about it. Ok more BS he just does not want to face or air it out even if it is on a subconscious level.

School is hard the students were told that he resigned due to personal reasons. Some have been demanding that I tell them why because they deserve to know. The staff (Teachers and others) are great at supporting me and caring. I just want to hid in a hole at this point.

Now it has been brought up by the counselor that he need no s3x at all for a time frame probably up to months (2-or more). I am FURIOUS over this, He had NEVER EVER been celibate in our marriage but has required that I be for up to 4 months at a time. WHY do I have to be punished for his problem AGAIN? I will bring this up next week when I talk to the counselor.

[little_wife]

Hi LLT <hugs again today>
Although I feel for you and DG, my greatest sympathies go out to you. I’m sure DG is so depressed right now also, with losing his job, and feeling he let you down. But you’re not the one who brought this on, and somehow it still lands all on your shoulders. You’re the one having to face the public, deal with the financial aspects, and more betrayal & lies.

Thank goodness the teachers are backing you up. And there is nothing you should be ashamed of. You’re not responsible for another persons actions—even if it’s your spouse. Though I can’t see not feeling embarrassed. The students really don’t need to know y’alls personal life. Yes, it happened at school, but it has nothing to do with them, and they need to respect your privacy. Stick to your guns. It will pass.

I still don’t see how you both can put this behind you until he takes responsibility for it. I can understand forgetting lots of things that happened over 30 yrs….but this JUST happened recently….and while he was actively working to overcome it. It just sounds so odd to me; I’d have a hard time buying that.

I’m sorry about the imposed celibacy. To again go without because of someone else’s gluttony does not seem unfair. I can offer that M and I experimented a lot with nonsxl touch and massage for a bit after our confrontation. We focused on holding hands, and sitting next to each other more often. If DG can remain true to his program during this time, it could end up being a time of renewed appreciation of what the physical sensation (as opposed to just visual stimuli) of touch means to each of you. It’s just a thought, and maybe at least something to look forward to. I hope your counselor has some good suggestions for you. Again, hugs and bless you both.

[Life-lies-trust]

LW I talked with another friend at work who has several friends and family members who are addicts. She told me about one person that just blanked every time the addiction took over. This happened for years and took intensive and long term counseling to achieve sobriety with several relapses on the road. This has help me some with dealing with him.

He still needs to take control of this addiction and not let it have control but at this time he can not be trusted to be rational or tell the truth about control of this addiction. I'm not sure when this will happen but his rational real person side is promising to work very hard on this. He says that he does not like being like this and wants to change.

I'm in a more mellow mood tonight.#:-sWell I better get back to grading papers that were due into my gradebook by 4 pm today.
:!!

[Life-lies-trust]

Cycles of emotions. This does not help me get my grading done that I have to complete.

Without the addiction DG is a caring, loving person that wants to help people. DG the addict does not care about anything but what he craves at that instant. The person outside of the addict wants, cares, loves, wants to spend time with others. The addict wants to be left alone to exploit their addiction. This results in a person who is angry, mad, anti-social, secretive, manipulative, and will hurt anyone who is near, even if they do not want to hurt others. The addict does not see anything outside of the present moment and what they have to have for the addiction.

Now is the real work for the addict to break the cycle, repair relationships, learn how to be a real person all the time. They must stop the escapism of the addiction.=((~X(:((

[Life-lies-trust]

Well we have figured out that while in the addictive mode DG mentally just checks out and the grounded in reality side of him does not exist.

:((I just feel like crawling into a corner and crying. Since he checks out and has no idea what he is doing I feel that there is NO hope of recovery. I have not clue what to do or what to feel besides depressed. Maybe the reason I'm in this marriage is that I am not worth more than being an addicts punching bag. Should I just accept his problem and that his addictive side HATES me.

I feel like I am always giving up something for us and he just crawl back to his cave (AKA now known as his addiction). I seem to always be the one with the stable job weather or not I like it I have to stay to keep us going. Now he again he looses his job. How many times has this addiction cause him to loose a job before? I have no clue, he says that they were layoffs. Other than the one that he quit because of the 3 hours per day on the road.

[WifeOfNewLifeMan]

LLT-

Wow, I can't believe this is happening to you. First of all, your deserve to be more than an addicts punching bag. I think we have all gone over this with you, but I am happy to repeat it again. You are a wonderful, worthwhile, loving, person who is worthy of being fully loved and adored. Ok? :)

I don't know what I would do in your situation. I was ready to walk over far less. OK, far less in a sense that my husband didn't lose his job or face legal action. You husband is LUCKY to have you, not the other way around. You are dealing with all this that he put on you and you are still thinking of him and getting insurance for him?! Your actions show that no matter what kind of crap your dad or anyone else said to you about what you are worth... you are a wonderfully loving person.

I hope it gets better. What do you think you will do if he keeps lying? I do understand that an addict has different thought processes. But something has to click for him or he will keep hurting your, your family, and himself. Hugs to you.

[Life-lies-trust]

WNLM I think part of my problem is still coming to terms with this pile of Crap. I really did not know about his addiction until December 16, 2009. I had only caught him MB once in 30 years. So I have only really known about this for 88 days. I can not imagine facing this for years. I think that I may still be in the process of figuring out what I can accept and what I can not accept. So far the story is that he had not touched another person, because of the highly secret part of his addiction. I'm not sure about weather this is true or not. I normally deal in Facts and not what if because of my science and math background.

I am using this journal to express all of my thoughts and feelings. If it is to much please let me know and I'll find another place to express myself.

[Life-lies-trust]

Today's discoveries, until December he has never gone 2 weeks without his addiction. From December till my birthday he made 2 months but we were intimate so he has not gone without S3X for long at all. After my birthday where he did not even get me a present he got depressed and relapsed. Not sure of the true date because he is blanking out when he is under the influence of the addiction. This has been happening for years so it will not go away over night. All I can say at this point is at least he is trying.