Life-lies-trust-SO

[WifeOfNewLifeMan]

LLT-

I was in no way saying that this is easy or quick or anything. You should take all the time you need to deal with this. Its kind of taboo to discuss on here... but not everyone makes it through. We all have to look at our marriages really hard and see what makes it worth saving. That's why I asked you to remind us of the good things in your marriage. I hope you make it through, because that's what I hope for everyone.

You said you have baggage to deal with because of the crap things your dad said to you, and that you allowed some of these things to happen in your marriage because you figured you should just take what you could get ( I am paraphrasing here). So, maybe that's true. But you said you are going to counselling for yourself, right? I am glad you are going to deal with your issues. You again sound so much like me! I don't have anything helpful to say, I just wanted you to know you are not alone.

[little_wife]

LLT, I'm sorry you're still hurting so deeply. :( Sometimes I avoid reading your journal because your pain is so palpable, and there's very little anyone can do to fix it. It's so similar to what I went through especially the first time my husband and I went through this. I was seriously depressed for YEARS. For me, the pain went away when I separated for a while, but came back immediately as soon as we were back together. At that point, I felt like I was stumbling around in darkness, and antidepressants were the only thing that eventually helped lift the fog.
I very much hope the therapy will help you find a way out of the pondering. I thought while I was going through it, reasoning would eventually solve it, and I would understand. It never worked for me. Hopefully, you will not lose years. You seem way, way, way too kind, intelligent, articulate, to be letting anyone ANYONE make you feel this poorly about yourself. But anyway, I just had to say something, if anything to let you know that your words are being heard.
Many hugs to you.

[Life-lies-trust]

WNLM and Little_wife,
Thank you both you have me crying now. I am trying to find what is good about my marriage but at this time what I though we had built together is all lies on his side so I'm not sure what is good or bad. I have always been supportive of him but now I know that except for being a friend he had no feeling for me for years. Now I'm trying to figure out what he really means by "I love you". He use to say that when my gut told me that he was guilty about something. I think that for the first two months my emotions were numb over all of this. I really have been blind sided by what he was really doing. That is where the deep hurt is coming out from.

I'm also depressed because some people that we work with now will not even talk to me. They go out of their way to avoid me where they use to at least say Hi. This at this time hurt too because I know people are going to have a hard time believing that I had no clue what he was up to. You all here and the counselor that I see every two weeks are the only one who I can really express my feels too.

To every SO here supporting each other THANK YOU!!!!! You are a god send to others as we each need each other.

[little_wife]

:( I'm sorry...I think finding out our relationships are so one-sided is one of the most difficult aspects of this. And there is nothing our spouses can do to go back into time and remedy this. It truly does make moving forward difficult.

I'm also depressed because some people that we work with now will not even talk to me. They go out of their way to avoid me where they use to at least say Hi. This at this time hurt too because I know people are going to have a hard time believing that I had no clue what he was up to. You all here and the counselor that I see every two weeks are the only one who I can really express my feels too.

yeah, i know....seems like it's such an embarrassing topic. Thankfully, I have a wonderfully patient best friend and decided to open up to my family about the situation. Having people who were supportive, and not telling me 'to just get over it', and 'that's just how guys are,' has helped alot. For sure having someone there, and on your side can be very healing in its self. We love you here, and your story will help others through the same thing. Many hugs to you--
Little_wife

[Life-lies-trust]

I have read part of "The Porn Trap". This book has the PA take back the control of their actions. I am wondering when I can do this without feeling that I have to check up on him. I hate all of this.

Maybe why this is really pissing me off is that I have ear and sinus infections. He was actually concerned about me Friday when I asked to go get some meds. He had an out of town track meet yesterday and I slept. Last night and today he is quiet like he use to be. This may be just my being sick or something else. I guess only time will tell.

Time for more liquids and sleep. No grading this weekend is getting done. Oh well students will just have to live with it.

[Life-lies-trust]

Not to mention that it I know P is morally wrong, a sin against God, and therefore ruinous to my internal peace.

From Q&A for PA's

This may be part of DG problem his parents told him that all religion was bad because of one priest that they had. They then told him to follow the golden rule but... "Do not tell your mother we do not want to upset her and have her have a breakdown.." (to a six year old kid)... " Do not tell your father I do not want him to be upset". "Suck it up you are a boy and do not have feelings". (aka it is ok to lie at any time if you feel ok inside then everything is good) Some parents should be given electric shock treatments.

Now add the addiction on top of all this and he never had any negative feeling about it at all. Well if you do not tell and it does not upset anyone what is the problem. He admits to me that when I said no cheating he understood that it meant no physical contact type of cheating. Because he did not have the moral code that P and MB were cheating when it replaces contact with his wife. We are working on clarifying what is correct and what is not acceptable in our relationship. This I can understand, do I like it NO, but I can understand his mind set.

[Life-lies-trust]

Well I got called out of my last class today. Sent to the principal office. Guess what has been happening! Yes, he has been lying to everyone AGAIN!! Looking at porn at school with students in the room. He resigned from his job so now I have to handle all the bills on one salary. He "I do not know what happened", "I do not know when I was looking or why". BS in huge letters. He always hides behind the I did not mean it.

Well now he has the time to do what ever he wants. I'm ready to just uninstall the blocking software and tell him you figure it out on your own. We have an emergency meeting with his counselor tomorrow after I get off of work. Not sure if I'm Mad, hurt, terrified, ready to just give up, how much more do I have to deal with.

Then he added that other piece that he always says if he is in trouble. Maybe it would be better if I was dead. This does not have a lot of reaction from me I just use to this line.

Any ideas from anyone would be welcome.:((=((

PS. He says he does not know what triggered him to hunt. BS again there has to be a reason. When he was confronted about it he LIED even with the report sitting there with the pictures attached. I bought the book "The Porn Trap" a week ago. I have tossed it at him and told him he needs to read it NOW!!!!!!!!

Now I want to craw into the corner and cry. Why can he not be honest? He did promise to tell me about relapses. I told him that if he told me we could deal with it. I ask on Saturday (after he had started hunting again) if he was still clean. Yes I am, I am just a little depressed at this time but not sure why. Yea right I know what the problem is I do not match his images and what he gets from them.

[Life-lies-trust]

Well I told him until he can be honest with himself all that he will tells me is lies. I'm tired of the phrase "I'm sorry, I did not mean to hurt you." Then why did you is my answer. I have gone to silent mode at this point. He has to decide what he is planning on doing then I'll decide if I can handle it. If he decides that the P/MB is the best thing then I do not think I can live with this.

On top of all of this I have to figure out our finances with only one small paycheck and have to find some kind of insurance for him too.~X(~X(~X(

[little_wife]

:( LLT, I just read your post and feel sick for you both. How humiliating, and hurtful. I really don't know what to say. I just don't know how you're going to deal with knowing he is home all day with this. I just feel terrible for you. Please don't do anything rash right now, and we'll try to be here for you.
Many, many hugs---little_wife

[artguy34]

LLT,

It saddens me to read this just now. Especially since you both were worried sick about legal trouble a couple months ago and managed to avoid that. But still, I feel (IMO) that there is nothing else you can do for him now. He needs to step up and be the one to take charge and heal himself. (And for the right reasons). It's all about accountability for his own actions. If he wants to heal, then he is going to have to prove it to you now. More than ever!

Reading "The Porn Trap" should help open his eyes to many things he is oblivious to. It should also let him realize just how serious his addiction is! If legal ramifications weren't a deterrent enough, then hopefully the book will help? If not? Then I fear that he will only "get it" when it is too late and he has lost everything. That would be unfortunate for both of you.

I wish you both luck, and may God Bless you!