Life-lies-trust-SO

[Life-lies-trust]

Guess what he was not looking for figures in cloths but was looking for P. Can I hit him over the head for the lies about this idea? I will restrain from hitting him but how much deeper was he really gone.

He admitted that this morning that he is fighting the urge to hunt. This has only happen once in the last two months. So I think we are still unraveling all the secrets and lies. I just wonder how much longer is this goning to go on till we have all the lies exposed.

[Life-lies-trust]

Well today has been a quiet day. He still says no videos but I do not believe him. I found a website that rates the level of addiction to P. He ended up in the middle of the levels but that is still not a good thing. This was a free assessment but when finished it gave a detailed assessment of his addiction and what needs to be done to break this cycle of addiction.

The video issue is still a problem for me and I'll have to wait and see what happens. This is a slow frustrating problem to solve.

[Life-lies-trust]

THIS is about my prospective not anyone else.

After reading several other posts I am some what irritated at DG. I have always tried to support him and to make sure he knew I loved him, desired him, and was not interested in anyone else. Still he would not turn to me but to the PA/MB as the best thing in his world. This is just plain irritating to me this sometimes it is suggested that the SO's do not let them know what they mean to us. We do and it gets thrown back in our faces for years that the problem is us, we are why they need something else.

Grrrrr sometimes I really just want to empty his head and scrub it out with soap and water (or give it an acid bath). Then start over without the crOO from his parents.~X(

[Life-lies-trust]

Totally depressed.
He finally admitted that he was watching P and MB also. Is the truly any real hope of recovery or is this another delusion that I have been living in? Like the delusion that he married me because he loved and desired me. WHAT an Idiot that I am to believe that I matter to anyone close to me. I should have known that I'm not worth love or care from my husband.=(( I have no chance of competing with these illusions of his and that they perform at command.

I'm not sure what I'm doing or what is happening or how many more lies that I can take without totally breaking. So I was right all these years that he had another woman that he wanted and it is not me and has nothing to do with me except that he wanted a friend as a roommate that would not make demand, ask questions, expect to spend time together. No wonder why he was so happy when we worked opposite shifts and only saw each other once a week. That way he had his play time with his cheaters.

My one comfort is a teddy bear that I hug and hold when he does not want me. I'm going to log off and go have a good cry.

[Junebug1944]

im so sorry. i wish i could give you a hug. I know how you feel. In January I found out that smokeys slip ups were far more numerous than I had known, exponentially so. it makes you question yourself and your relationship. but i hope i can offer you hope. things are going well for us. we have honesty, transparency and are building trust. since he came clean, its been going well. we go to couples therapy, talk about our feelings, hopes and needs. i'm not saying things are perfect. but there is hope, people get better.

[Life-lies-trust]

I do not know what to believe any more. He has never told me the truth about our life together for 33 years. How do I believe him now? I guess that my dad was right that as a woman I do not deserve to have feeling, be the one person in your husband life, be loved and respected, be told the truth, not be cheated on. It is the husband's right to watch P/MB cheat with other women. His wants are all that matters and women are to be "PG, in the kitchen, and mute." Well I though I had married someone that though I was a person and deserved to be treated as a person. I am an IDIOT to believe anyone would want to treat me as a real person. Look how much more he got from his play things.

Do I deserve to even be alive? Not sure but I do have an appointment with a counselor on Monday evening. Should I go or just go crawl into a corner and hid from everything? Am I worth anything or should I just take any crap that is thrown at me because I deserve all of this. Being a woman it has to be my fault because I did not satisfy his needs.

I know people keep saying that this is only about him but from my point of view I am the failure because of this. Also this is not about the SO's, so why is it that we are the one's that are hurt the most. The PA's SMOO is "I do not remember" it must be nice to decide what you want to remember and what is not convenient to remember. I remember every time that he either verbally or by actions that I am worthless as his love and lover.

Now I wonder why I have been having migraines and asthma attracts that can not be controlled. Well I do deserve all of this and my allergist said that stress would not help getting control of asthma (have been trying for 3 years to get it under control).

We need another mood button for depressed.

[Life-lies-trust]

The PA marry us without our knowing about their issues. He says he loves me but over time the non-verbal then the verbal responses tells me that he wants a platonic friend not a wife and lover. So why did he marry me? What have I done to earn the lies, secrets, being made to feel that I have nothing any man would be interested in? This addiction is not all about him but about his obsession with any other woman he though about. This is about his decision that his wife is not worth being loved and cared about. This is about him wanting the world and that he does not believe the promises that have been made apply to him. He does not have a problem but the rest of the world does. This just make someone who never had a good opinion of herself feel even worse.

[WifeOfNewLifeMan]

LLT-

I am so sorry to read how much you are hurting right now. Your journal sounds so much like mine did in the early days.

I am glad to read that you are going to see the counsellor. I didn't think I was depressed, but I now realize that I was. I don't think I am anymore. I wasn't smart enough or brave enough to get help with my depression, but you are smarter than I am so good for you.

I know its hard to believe anything your PA says right now. When you had such faith in them before and it is rewarded with lies and manipulation, how do you trust yourself to trust them again? Its hard, I know. But I want to ask you, do you think by his CURRENT actions, that he truly wants to change and improve as a person and husband? None of us can change the past, but we can possibly live with the future if there is true change. What do you think?

I am praying for you and all of us on here. Hugs to you.

[Life-lies-trust]

LLT-

I know its hard to believe anything your PA says right now. When you had such faith in them before and it is rewarded with lies and manipulation, how do you trust yourself to trust them again? Its hard, I know. But I want to ask you, do you think by his CURRENT actions, that he truly wants to change and improve as a person and husband? None of us can change the past, but we can possibly live with the future if there is true change. What do you think?

I do not know what to believe that comes out of his mouth at this point. He seems to be trying or I would leave right now. I talked to the counselor today and we brought him in to discuss some of the issues and why he was trying to place some guilt on me. I told him that is not acceptable and that I'm at the wait and see how he acts as to what I finally decide to do. He fails and I quit the relationship. I just can not take any more. He took all that I told him I wanted in life and ripped it to sheds with lies, cheating, and thief of time together.

I have come to the understanding that I was an object to him, that was to stay in my corner till he wanted me. I was not to make demands of the PA person and I was to have no feeling either.

I still do not understand the ideas of an addictive mind and how their idea of choices does not fit with the real world. This is where it will take time to even come to accept.

I am giving him time to come clean before I draw the line in the sand of the point of no going back. When I feel and he has admitted that everything is out in the open, then if he fall back at all it is the end by his choice. He is the only one that can control his brain and actions.

So that is where I'm at tonight. Lets see what tomorrow brings.

[Life-lies-trust]

Still sifting through the cr## that he says that he did not look at but really did. One of us brings up an idea and if it is BS I call it what it is. To do this I have to shut down the emotional side of me for the analytical side.

Last night I talked with the counselor and I have to decide what to accept in this relationship and what not to accept. I want the lies of partial truths to stop and be finished. I am tired of hearing "Really that is all that I did" BS statement, " I do not remember" , "I do not like what I have done", "It's an addiction and he did not have a choice", "the addiction made the choices". Do these phrases sound like anyone else has had to listen to? I would like to know when they stop and the truth is finally out in the open?

Any input that anyone can give me would be gladly welcomed.