Today

[ConfusedKate]

Ok I have been reading others SO's journals and i can so relate to most all of it. For my partner and me this is not the first time. While we had a 2 year P free run it has showed back up. I knew something was up when he asked me to clear his computer while he was at work and guess what I found? **P**...Instead of accusing like I used to do I changed tatics and asked. He denied it but someting still wasn't right...SOOOOOOOO i went to his shop and checked his office computer and BAM there it was...he had cleared everything but the cookies and thats where it was. This was a week ago. When confronted with it his reply was It might have been me....OMFG!!! Of course it was you you a**hole. Again I was told "I'm sorry." Yeah right whatever....

All the old resentments are here, the distrust, the FEAR. Now to go back a little bit. The first time was about 4 years ago and needless to say he went without sleep, eating, us, the family, but not P. Oh no there's no way that is the problem. I caught him the day we were going to look at a house to buy and I took him breakfast and there he was surfing the net for it before he could even take his morning pee. BIG TIME blow up...didn't go to look at the house and lost my mind. I have aqquried this very bad temper that is nothing like me. The second time he was caught I f*$ked up his truck just like in the Carrie Underwood song "Before he Cheats"...wasn't proud of myself and this only added to our problems.

This time I have done the same just to a lesser degree. I turned over his desk at work and broke the monitor. Of course he fixed it. Cannot go without it, he would rather die than give up a computer. There is no talking between us, no intimacy, no nothing....just my feelings of anger, betrayal, and hurt. I use these as my hiding place. I know I must let them go but it is so hard. It's like death...a greiving process that I must get through. how can I find the way???:(( Do I even care to try? He takes no responsibility for any of this hurt...he blames it all on me. He even told me to get a webcam and start my own P site...how can he love me and tell me that that is an ok thing to do?!!?~X(

Insenistive, stupid boy!!!!!!

[WifeOfNewLifeMan]

Kate,

I am so sorry again. I had to laugh at the truck thing and the desk thing. OK, its not funny and probably not right, but I have been there. I used to key my ex's truck every time he pissed me off. It was wrong, but that f******* truck was all he cared about. Anyway.... your anger may not be pretty, but as I told my ex, better his truck than his head!

Every man is NOT like your husband. Guys like P, I get it. But not all guys choose it over their partner. If he can't see that, then he is willfully blind. I also don't see how someone who loves someone can tell them to just start their own P site. It seems like he is so into that stuff that sx has become nothing but a means to an end as is divorced from all love, caring and intimacy.

I don't believe that there was a two year P free run. I only think this because I heard the same lies from my husband. It is an addiction. You don't just stop feeling the need for a couple of years. If it is an addiction, it is always an addiction. If he could stop for 2 years, then its a choice. That's my take.

You have a long road ahead of you. You are the only one who can answer what you are willing to do for your marriage. If he won't change, and it is all "your" problem, then I just don't know where you go from here.

I wish I could give you a hug. Hang in there and maybe you shoud take up kick-boxing. Just imagine you are kicking his.... whatever you want to imagine. Its better than property destruction, even if its less satisfying. :)

[debv]

Kate, I'm sorry to hear your partner relapsed after so long. You must be devastated. Like WoNLM, I empathize with the destroying the truck thing. I haven't done it, but when I heard about Tiger Woods' wife beating him and his truck with a golf club, I thought "you go, girl!" I'd rather beat him than his car, though.

I don't believe that there was a two year P free run. I only think this because I heard the same lies from my husband. It is an addiction. You don't just stop feeling the need for a couple of years. If it is an addiction, it is always an addiction. If he could stop for 2 years, then its a choice. That's my take.

I have to disagree. Alcoholics regularly stop using for long periods of time then relapse and start to abuse again. It doesn't mean they weren't addicts to begin with. In fact it is an indicator that it really was an addiction. The issue with addiction is two-fold. First, when you are using, the addiction makes it biochemically harder to stop. The brain craves the stimulation just like with a drug, literally, because that's the brain chemical that P/MB/O generates. Second, the addiction makes it so it's all-or-nothing. You're either "dry" or you're in full-blown abuse. So if you relapse it's not just a one-time slip; because it's an addiction it immediately starts the vicious biochemical cycle all over again. So Kate's partner could be an addict and have cleaned himself up for 2 years then relapsed. Without more information there's no way to know.

[ConfusedKate]

Thanks girls!!! Yes I would rather do that stuff to his head than his belongings but I don't want to go to jail. The anger is actually rage, sorry but there is no other word for it. And this crap of us ignoring the problem is just getting us deeper in. But if we try to talk it turns into blame of each other. He leaves me feeling so inadaquate and I leave him feeling...IDK...cause we can't talk to each other. I want to leave, I want to stay, I want to hit him with a baseball bat, I want to hug and hold him, I want to die.

Yes, I do believe in my heart and in my "gut" that we were ok for those two years but something triggered it again. What I cannot say with full disclosure and knowledge but I think it was his friends peewee and butch because they indulge in P and one is single and the other is not but it works for them (the one who is not single does so with the full knowledge of his partner.)

I cannot cope. The only reason I am still here on earth is because of my kids and grandkids. And hope...I have hope that one way or another (even if we split) that my life will again become what I want it to be.:-<

[fishingbackwards]

Hi Kate. I suspected for some time but just caught my h in the act two day ago. Yesterday he left me. I am to blame you see, I went to bed earlier than he did and he was so missing going to bed with me but he knew I needed my sleep and he would get so lonely late at night and wah wah wah........I destroyed the Christmas tree. I also have his season ski pass and I am going to keep it since I bought it for him. It is useless to me but I ain't gonna let him have it. But I think one of the most rewarding visuals for me is remembering how rapidly he went limp when I walked into the room. Kinda ruined all his fun, didn't I.

[WifeOfNewLifeMan]

Kate and debv-

What do I know, I am not an addict so I don't know all the workings. I am learning though. Thanks for the explanation.

Kate- Your life can be again what you want it to be, with or without him. I m glad you still have hope and your kids and grandkids. Sometimes we need just a little light to lead us out of the darkness. Those kids can be your light.

[fishingbackwards]

I want to leave, I want to stay, I want to hit him with a baseball bat, I want to hug and hold him, I want to die.
-<

I know that so well.........

[ConfusedKate]

Well I have been up since 4 am crying non stop. I even walked out of the house at 530 this morning and still cannot stop crying. This time the pain is more intense than ever before. I want to die....how is it possible to be able to breathe with this much pain?!? He came out after me but only after my daughter tried to stop me. I swear he just don't care.

Yesterday, his boss emailed me and asked what was going on at her shop because work has been sub standard lately. What was I susposed to do? Tell her that he is up there drinking, smoking marijuana, and surfing P with his friends? I had a perfect opportunity to take away what means so much to him but I told her that I just think he is overwhelmed and maybe needs another person there and any other questions she would have to ask him. I told all this to a "friend". That person then told her bf and he called and told my SO. So there goes world war 3...BIG BIG BIG HUGE blowup.

I was leaving last night for good but then had to get some laundry done (let's be honest...I still want to be with him...why?) That's an important question..why do I still want him when he negates me, tells me that it is my problem, that I am crazy and could stop feeling this way any time I want to, that this is not about P, it's about ME trying to control HIM and his life, ....WHY???? What is wrong with me that I feel I can't do any better than this, that I somehow deserve this, that this is all there is????

After all this this morning he told me that he would do whatever it took even admitting to something he did not have (PA) and getting help for it. I told him that whatever he gave had to come from inside him and be of his own free will...

God, just take away the pain or take me away....

[fishingbackwards]

Kate,
So many parts of your story sound so familiar.
It is not you. It is not me. In many ways I am not convinced I can even say it is "them".
But this is not all there is.
I am feeling a little stronger this morning.
Let me share some with you.

[FoolishMind]

I am sorry to hear what your going through ConfusedKate, it really must seem like everything is just a mess, and a mess that could just stop if P was not in the picture.

From what I have read and understood so far, Your H clearly does not think he has a problem, and therefore all this drama is solely down to you. When fighting fire with fire doesnt work, he will use tears and sorrow to get round you. These are all typical tactics of a PA, conscious or subconsciously, it is the same everytime.

You have a million questions right now, and this is the place to get them answered.

So wipe away the tears and take a huge deep breath, because you need to understand him better than he understands himself if you want to help him, which will ultimately lead to helping your relationship. It is clear you love your husband, and he loves you, but hurt and lack of trust can kill any relationship, but it can be rebuilt and if it is, it will be stronger than ever before, and I say that from experience.

Lets get started...

1) Read this and see if you can relate to it: - The Darkside of the moon

Assuming you can relate to it, now try and get an insight in to the make up of your husband:

2) Read this: The mind of a PA

having read that, you will have a slight idea of what is going on in his head.

Now the biggie... How do you get him to realise he is a PA?

You need to break him down, Its not nice, but its the only why I know and ive seen that really works. Breaking him down does not mean beating him up, or damaging belongings.

Try writing a letter/email. You need to be calm to do this, and be very clear in letting him know how you feel, and how what he does is killing you inside. Ask him how he feels as a father when he does these acts? You need to conclude with an ultimatum. You deserve respect, and you are asking him to help himself for HIM (this is crucial) you are not asking him to do it for you, but for HIM. But let him know if he cant, then (you advise him of your ultimatum)

Why a letter/email?

If you speak face to face, he will have his barriers up, and could retaliate with his arsenal of defence mechanisms. In written for he cannot react to you, he has to read it, and it will break him down, if you are clear and concise without abuse.

Again, This is from personal experience and advice that his been given to SO's time and time again, and has worked on many occasions.

I will leave it as that for now, and I truly hope things can turn around for you.

FM