where I have been, where am I going?

[fishingbackwards]

I was married for 20 years. My husband passed away suddenly following surgery and I was by myself for more than 3 years. I did not believe I was interested in a relationship but the convergence of a number of incidents led to me trying on-line dating. I met a man and fell in love (I am not sure WHO I fell in love with, infatuation is a disease!!!!!) When we were first dating he told me about a relationship he had with some "swingers", he had sex with the wife and later he told me there were photos taken by the husband but the real story around the photos has been hard to discern. (So, you might ask, why did I not immediately run the other way as fast as my little legs could carry me? I *think* my life history has taught me that the attention of a man is the most important thing for a woman to have. I could go on about that subject, and my mother, and the physical abuse I received as I was growing up, I believe it is all tied in together, but I want to tell one story at a time...)I referred to the photos as p and my so revealed that he was a pa. My heart hurt for him. I think I have some idea of addiction, of trying to fill a hole that has no bottom. I have dealt with alcohol. I married him anyway. We have had a lot of problems over the past year and a half. I have PTSD and if I am going to be honest about it my current husband has been verbally abusive and is well versed in the fine art of emotional blackmail. Whenever there is any sign of difficulty he threatens to leave and has left several times. Twice I have asked him to leave, once I had to call the police to help me get him to go. He has threatened suicide more than once. When we have separated he becomes verbally vicious for about 24 hours and then changes to leaving messages on my answering machine full of uncontrollable sobbing. Over the past year he frequently stayed up late writing software. On occasion I would come out into the room and he would have this look on his face that was so sad and so guilty and while I had no proof I suspected that his late nights included a good dose of p. He admitted to viewing p when I was away but I now believe he was frequently choosing p rather than dealing with a real relationship throughout our marriage so far. Then about a week ago he chose to use p and tell me all about it the next morning, tell me why he did not want to be with me. His addiction was now his weapon. (A few weeks prior he showed me an e-mail he sent to the "swinger" wife mentioned above. He had me read an e-mail where he was telling another woman I reminded him of her and he found himself thinking of her when he made love to me) Last night we went to a holiday party and were both rather wound up when we arrived home. I finally went to sleep at 2 am but woke at 4 am and found myself still alone in bed. I went out to the living room and found my husband mb ing while watching a movie on the computer. It may be an image that will haunt me for a long time.......We tried to talk today but he keeps telling me he is too tired. Then he asked if "it would be okay" if he left, that he has been "leaving" for a long time.......I told him to get some food and some rest and that I loved him and I was here if he wanted a relationship with me. He thanked me for being a friend. What I have left unsaid is that we need to deal with the addiction. What I did say is that if he wanted to leave I would not do anything to stop him. What I did not say is that I have divorce papers in my office files waiting for me to find the strength to give up and re-learn the joy of solitude. One comment I found troubling is that he said he is "addicted some of the time" which I think sounds a lot like being a "little bit pregnant". I had an alcoholic bf once and I recognize denial when I hear it. But there has been a lot of joy and laughter and love and caring and companionship. I have not filed the papers yet because the good times continue to outweigh the bad but I am beginning to think I may be deluding myself. He is asleep again. I had little rest last night but when I am upset I "agitate" rather than "vegetate" so I am visiting this forum and framing some of my paintings and trying out some song lyrics in my head to make some higher level sense of what I am doing and why. Any comments welcome.
Thank you for listening

[Crisodian]

fb -
First, welcome to TTF. You've found a good place to get support as the SO of a PA. So many of us here share the same emotional rollar coaster that P and PA brings into our lives.

Your story is heartbreaking. I hope you find some time to read the stories of the other SO's here at TTF. At this point, I would suggest you seek support for you. One of the biggest problems with an addict is until the addict admits the addiction is real, and accepts thier responsibility for the addiction, they typically don't begin recovery. To me, from what you are sharing, it sounds like your PA is still in denial. There is no "little" bit of addiction "some of the time".

I hope you find a path to peace,
~C~

[debv]

I want to echo that you're right, there is no addicted some of the time. He either is, or he is not. My husband has now-famously on TTF said he doesn't know whether he's an addict or an @$$hole. Well said. He's decided he's an addict, and I tend to agree, though honestly there's part of that other problem in there, too. Sounds like your husband is suffering the same problem.

I'm sorry you had to walk in on your husband like that. Frankly, your description gave me a mental image of my husband that it's going to take a long time for me to shake, and I didn't ever catch him at it. I'm glad your description gave me that mental image, though, because I needed to understand the enormity of what he did, and despite my prior upset and rage I don't think I really grasped it fully until I had that mental image. I only found out about my husband's P/MB issues less than three weeks ago, so my hurt is still fresh. I can empathize, but can't really offer any concrete advice, not yet.

That said, I don't blame you in the least for being upset. Please know you are not alone in feeling the way you feel, you can come here and share those feelings with people who understand, because unfortunately we SOs have been there.

[WifeOfNewLifeMan]

debv and fishingbackwards-

There is no addicted some of the times.... you are right. That was my husband's justificication for weeks... excuse me... that was his lie for weeks. He only did it sometimes. Later, he changed his story to "all the time, but couldn't I see, he was trying to protect me by not telling me the truth?"

debv- I am sorry you have the mental image now even if it has helped clarify the problem for you. I too have had the actual image, twice, when I walked in like fishingbackwards did. I will never forget it.

fishingbackwards- I hope your husband comes here and decides to recover from this addiction so you can have your joy and laughter back.

[fishingbackwards]

second installment
He is gone.
We talked. He seems to believe he is "immune" from the detrimental effects of porn and telling him how I felt resulted in his usual response that he can't do anything about my feelings. He wanted me to look at some of the porn sites he visits. The first one I looked at included a movie you could click on that looked like pre-teen girl providing oral sex. Earlier he stated that he stayed away from "child" porn for fear of being arrested (WRONG ANSWER DUDE!) It took a while for this all to sink in but seeing that movie choice along with his concern of being arrested made me run to the bathroom and vomit. He insisted that it was okay because I could not *prove* that it was a young girl. I tried to explain that the fact that there was a market for a woman of consenting age to look like a pre-teen is the problem. No matter what I said he refused to even acknowledge this point, let alone disagree with it. He blew up at me and packed up and left. It is snowing pretty hard, it has been all day. He is towing a trailer through a bad stretch of road and I find myself not caring if he makes it or not. I told him I was no longer going to play his games. He has left or threatened to leave every time I disagree with him or behave in a manner that he does not want or question his behavior. He thought he could control me. He thought I would accept anything in order to have him in my life. He was wrong. He chose porn over a living, breathing, loving human being. Good riddance. God help him. I am sitting here alone and don't seem to be able to get a phone line to call anyone but I have survived cancer, I have survived the death of a loving spouse, I can survive this too but please, I need your help, I am trying so hard to be strong and I know I did the right thing, I stood my ground but my heart is broken and it has been so many times and I don't know if I can find all the pieces again....

[Crisodian]

fb,
I think each person has to decide for themselves what they will and will not tolerate in their lives. His behavior was obviously a real problem for your relationship and borderline on the questionable legal side of things. That is very concerning.

This needs to be about you now. Your healing. Your life.

Rant. Scream. Rave. Throw things. Start a journal. Find what works for you to express your emotions and do not put the blame on yourself. This is his problem. Not yours. Nor is there anything wrong with you feeling the way you do.

Try to find a path to peace,
~C~

[cyberpunk]

fb,

I'm sorry that this has happened to you. I can't imagine the pain that you or any of the other SOs go through. As a PA it is easy to numb ourselves to the pain we cause in others. In many ways we have made ourselves the center of the universe and think everything revolves around us

I'm trying to think of something to say but I can't really find the words. I am so sorry that you are going through this. I guess the only thing I can think of is a saying I read in a book once, "what other people say about you is really about them, even if they say it's about you." Him leaving says a lot about him.

[fishingbackwards]

peace, yes, peace. I sit here and realize that the most peaceful moments I have had in the past year did not include him but the understanding I gained of him today still hit me like a freight train. I tore down the christmas tree we got a few days ago. My first husband died at this same time of year. I will get another tree - or not....I am strong, I can do this, I am going to cancel my appointments tomorrow and go skiing. I am going to revel in the freedom from his tyranny. I am going to try and forget what an idiot and what a sucker I am. I am going to THRIVE!!!!!! in spite of the blame and the garbage he tried to dump on me.
Thank you, Crisodian, for replying. I can't help but feel so isolated, this is a major snow storm and I can't get a phone line and I want so much to talk to someone and be comforted and encouraged.
And thank you so much, Cyberpunk. I just got your message.
God bless you all for your caring.....

[Crisodian]

We're bracing for the snow storm ourselves tomorrow. Not looking forward to THAT...but I digress...

We are all strong. Sometimes more than we can ever imagine we would need to be. I applaud you for finding the strength to keep moving forward for yourself and find your inner strength.

At this point, as I said before, do what you need to do for YOU. However, that being said, you are not an idiot or a sucker. PA's are exceptional at lying, sneaking and hiding their addiction from their SOs. I'm confident you are a very intelligent woman who, like the rest of us here, were taken completely off guard by this addiction. You are obviously strong and self reliant. You've shown that already with how far you have come already in your life. Those are not the traits of an idiot or sucker. :)

Peace,
~C~

[maggie]

So sad for you. The losses in your life.

I don't know you or your situation, but my gut
(my new prophet ) tells me that you did the right thing and he needs to move on with all of his " sick " baggage.

After 25 years of marriage, my gut is telling me that I need to move on and away from the p/m addict that has taken over my life.

Reason tells me to stay and work it out, after this amount of time and commitment, but my gut is warning me that he will have another escapade, and I won't be able to fight back anymore.