Deb's journal

[debv]

OK, I'm going to start to write here because it will be a far more constructive outlet for my emotions than lashing out at my hubby of 20 years, DudeWaffle. As I wrote in my introduction in the new members area the other day, all this is new to me, only a little less than a week now. I thought I'd caught Dude in a couple-of-month-long cyber affair with an old flame, but what I did was uncover evidence that led to my guessing about his P use, which I wasn't aware of at all, and which ultimately led to his admitting to a 14-year PA. 20 years married, 14 years of PA. Needless to say I felt hurt, humiliated, embarrassed, as well as fat, old, and ugly. I started out breaking out in tears over and over, I didn't want him to touch me, I couldn't hug him or even kiss him on the forehead, and I still don't want him to see me changing clothes, let alone contemplating s3x.

Then I started to get angry, very angry. He'd blamed me for our s3xual disfunction as a couple, since I did refuse him at times, either due to exhaustion (I was a lawyer and worked hard, even working part time, especially when the kids were young), depression (I don't recall the exact diagnosis I have but it's something like recurrent severe depressive episodes, basically post-partum that's never gone away), or just because of the complete emotional disconnect I felt with Dude. So Dude blamed me for our lack of s3x, saying I turned him down and he got tired of asking. What appears to have happened is he found an easier outlet that didn't require messy things like meeting my emotional needs. =(( Over the years he repeatedly blamed me for our problems, and I was livid when I found out it was really on him and his PA.

So, over the last few days I've been lashing out at him. Some of what I've said he's taken badly but I haven't intended badly, like I don't want him to compliment my looks when I know I dont compare to the silicone-enhanced, airbrushed girls half my age or younger that he was watching. I know it's not true, and it hurts to hear him lie to me, even when it's to make me feel better. Likewise, I got to a point where I didn't want to hear him apologize anymore, especially in the flat, affectless way he was saying it - no emotions, no nothing. It hurt me to hear apologies over and over, when what I want is my life to not be broken, and not to have been broken for 14 years. It's too late for apologies, action is all that's going to help, if that. But I also was refusing to say "I love you," I was telling him outright that I thought he and his actions were disgusting, and that I couldn't conceive of ever having s3x with him again. And sometimes I felt that way, but I didn't really need to be saying it, not as nastily as I did, at least.

So this morning (after he slept in our guest bed) I hauled out and chewed him out again, and he cried. Sobbed, really. I felt terrible and came over to hug him, the first time I reached out to touch him, I think, in a week. And that made him sob more, and it made me cry, and we cried together for a while. And it made me feel a little better, though I feel terrible that I hurt him now too. I try hard to be a good Christian and treat others as I want to be treated, and I didn't. I treated him as I felt I had been treated - like sh!t. And it wasn't right. So I'm going to write stuff here, even though he can see it, instead of lashing out. And I have memberships on a couple of other forums where he's not participating, so I suppose if I have something nasty enough that I need to get off my chest I'll say it there, since it seems sort of passive-aggressive to say it here instead of to his face. Better not to his face at all.

I still don't know how all of this is going to wash out. I don't know what I want, all I know is that I don't want things to stay like this anymore. I'm seeing a counselor myself and we're seeing a counselor together, and I'm giving that a try. Maybe I'll heal enough to keep things together, and maybe I won't, but I'm definitely going to try and not write off our marriage. I do have to admit I feel a lot more optimistic after seeing him cry this morning. I told him at the time, it means there's something human left in him, and that means there's hope.

[Crisodian]

deb,
I find writing a great way to express the emotions of all this instead of bottling them inside. It helps me vent out what I can't or won't to my H's face.

I shared many of the same emotions you are experiencing when I confronted my PA. The same anger. Hurt. Destruction of self image. So many of the SOs here share the same feelings. It's empowering to know we are not alone, and justified, in feeling as we do.

I hope you find a path to peace for yourself.

~C~

[debv]

Getting dressed in the morning is hard. Over the last 15 months I've lost 22 pounds, reaching my 20 lb goal a little less than 2 weeks ago. I started my weight loss journey when I was fishing for a compliment from DudeWaffle by saying I thought I looked OK even though I was heavier than I ever had been, and he told me instead that I didn't really look all that good. Ouch.

So I was proud of my weight loss and started to dress accordingly. Now I have no inspiration to try to look good. For who? Now I know I'll never be able to look good enough for my husband, there's no way I can compare, ever. There's no sense in trying. I'm not happy wearing oversized sweaters and sweatshirts, but I don't want to be wearing the clothes I thought I looked good in, either. I'm just making a fool of myself. (I went back to school this semester, and I'm in classes with young women half my age, daily, and I see how I don't look like them even clothed, and never can again without significant amounts of surgery. So what's the sense in trying? At my age I can't look 20 again, and nothing short of looking 20 plus enhancement is going to be good enough.) :((

[Crisodian]

So I was proud of my weight loss and started to dress accordingly. Now I have no inspiration to try to look good. For who?

deb,
I lost 50+ lbs from December of last year. I understand that struggle. But let me say this...

"For Who?" ...Well, For YOU. Do it for you if not for him. Be beautiful for you.

To me, all women should feel good in their skin and not have to compete with those damn airbrushed, T&A-altered, 20-somethings.

It hurts when we feel like we're not good enough in our relationships because they CHOSE those 20-somethings over us. I completely understand that pain.

But, after much soul searching on this, for me personally, I really firmly believe that we should be able to look in the mirror and be OK with ourselves. I am not letting my PA take that from me. That's mine. He and his P can not have it.

Find peace,
~C~

[WifeOfNewLifeMan]

debv-

Welcome to journalling, where we type things out instead of strangling our SOs!

You said,
"I try hard to be a good Christian and treat others as I want to be treated, and I didn't. I treated him as I felt I had been treated - like sh!t. And it wasn't right."

You are not alone in these feelings. I do this too and then feel guilty and bad, and then I get pissed because why should I feel bad about hurting him when he hasn't cared about hurting me one bit. So, its a cycle, and you are not alone.

I am glad DudeWaffle actually showed you his emotions. I do think it helps. My husband is the type who shuts down and keeps to himself, anything to avoid confrontation. It seems like your husband may be the same, so it is a big step for him to break down.

I hope you get through this and I am glad you are not rushing to disolve your marriage. Even if it does come to that, its is best to give it time and not act in anger.

I hope you and everyone can remember the good stuff and have a good Thanksgiving holiday.

[maggie]

dear deb
i just read your post. your feelings of betrayal, anger and disgust are identical to mine. we have been married over 20 years and the word " shocked " doesn't even come close to my reaction.

after reading many of the SOs posts here, i was feeling very guilty for yelling at him and telling him how disgusting his choices were, since so many SOs were saying nice things. actually, i read one of your posts, to dude, that was so loving and supportive, i felt even more guilty.

not to say that i haven't had strong feelings of sympathy for him, i have cried for days for the changes that have occured in him and the fragmentation of our marriage. obviously, looking at the person you love and have been living with for 20 years, realizing how many times they have lied to you and deceived you with their private addiction is frightening.

so i guess this is a big part of all of this tangled web. partner are going to be filled with anger and disgust one day and then be overcome with feelings of sympathy and acceptance.

roller coaster of emotions

[maggie]

dear deb,

i just read your second post about not dressing up and not caring about looking good.

listen to me: you lost all that weight. you look slimmer than before the diet. it was a lot of effort to get there, now go buy something in your new size. you have to reward yourself for your effort. don't punish yourself for someone else's poor behavior.

secondly: as easy as it is to feel that way, a husband's porn use has nothing to do with his wife's physical features!!! may i remind you that christie brinkley, one of the most beautiful models in the world, tall, thin, blue eyed blonde with beautiful skin, hair and teeth, had a husband addicted to porn! it is not you.

i am totally devestated by my husband's actions, but i am slim & attractive and until this porn explosion, i was a happy and outgoing person with lots of friends. he chose to enter this secret PA life 3 years ago, for some inner problem he has, not because i don't look a certain way.

[debv]

may i remind you that christie brinkley, one of the most beautiful models in the world, tall, thin, blue eyed blonde with beautiful skin, hair and teeth, had a husband addicted to porn! it is not you.

I don't buy that, not when Dude says it, or anyone else. It is all about me, because he chose to go off and MB to P rather than have s3x with me. His addiction didn't choose that, I acknowledge it made it harder for him to choose to stop, but now that I've caught him he's made the choice to stop. He could have and should have made the choice to stop 14 years ago. The addiction makes the actual stopping harder, but preferring the T&A-enhanced (I love that Crisodian, thanx), 20-something ewhores to me for 14 years was entirely 100% his choice. He could have made the other choice any time.

The only way for a PA or anyone to beat their addiction is to take control of their addiction, and not let it control them. It was his choice to let it control him for as long as it did, and to emotionally and s3xually neglect me in the meantime. Every time my husband, or any PA, says it's not about their SO, they're letting their addiction control them, instead of taking control of their addiction. We can't let them do that and get away with it. They need to own and control their own choices or they will never succeed in beating this thing.

[artguy34]

Every time my husband, or any PA, says it's not about their SO, they're letting their addiction control them, instead of taking control of their addiction. We can't let them do that and get away with it. They need to own and control their own choices or they will never succeed in beating this thing.

Hi Debv,

I am sorry you've been hurt this badly, and I want to wish you well on your recovery and hope you and dude can work things out. However I must respectfully disagree with your comment above. Simply put, our PA has nothing to do with our SO's. Absolutely nothing.

In my case, I was an addict for 23 yrs before I met my wife (Crisodian). I love her now as much as I loved her then. And all the while I was an addict. It had nothing to do with my wife and everything to do with ME. MY selfish needs of self gratification. In my case it was more of the MB and using P as the tool. For all those years, I never thought once that this was an addiction. It was a part of growing up and amongst friends, viewing P was deemed "normal". Hell, I found out at age 9 because of a private collection my own father had. That led to my curiosity to P and from there in manifested into something wildly out of control.

Addiction is addiction is addiction... unless you realize that something consumes you, you will never heal from it. Like Alcohol, Narcotics, or even food, anyone with addictive genes can succumb to it.

Back to point... When I met my wife, I knew right away I wanted to be with her. She and I fit so well for each other. We enjoyed the same things, thought the same way and we complemented each other perfectly. So why did I continously view P and MB? Because it was a selfish act that I was used to. I never thought about quiting because I didnt know any better. I never learned how damaging it could be, ONLY that it would be embarrassing for me to get caught.

As time goes on, things in life become stressfull. An addict then uses those stressfull things as excuses to justify what we do. Saying "It's ok, im not hurting anyone" or "Im not physically cheating so its fine" or worse "This is normal, everyone does it".

No matter what excuses I gave myself, I always justified it because I couldnt let go of the outlet I gave myself. Then there comes a time when I want the real thing. When I want my wife and the intimacy we shared earlier on in our relationship. But then... more excuses. "Oh she's stressed out and not in the mood" or "She's not feeling well, so I'll leave her alone" or again even worse, "She's being distant so why should I bother?". And the blame game begins. Now we justify it as being our SO's fault because we conjured up this sick notion that we're not getting what we need from them so its ok to satisfy ourselves. Thus making excuses for our own selfish needs. And the really messed up part is that, yea, my wife became distant because I became distant by my own actions and I could not see myself and what my addiction did to me.

This really sucks for me to have to say this, because it hurts me to even think back to the time when I had these feelings. But if it helps you understand a little of what we PA's go through to know that this addiction is NOT THE FAULT OF THE SO'S! Then it is worth it.

And mind you, I had to tell my wife my feelings so she could understand. Not that she didnt want to take a ball bat to my head, because im sure she was tempted. However, by me being honest to her and coming clean, she is able to see my side of things and begin to believe that it was never her fault. MINE AND MINE ALONE! I had this addiction before her, I fell in love with her during it, and I still love her now that I am recovering from it.

Will I be clean forever? I am trying my best to make sure that happens, but I cant guarantee it. I can only make a strong push to be the best I can be.

I do agree with you that we need to own up to our addiction and take control of it in order for us to beat it. However I hope by me opening up here, it can help you see that it is NOT about you, but about the "fantasy" that PA's like to go to in order to escape the "real world". It is when we accept that we need help to escape the fantasy world and come back to reality that we truly begin to change for the better.

These are just my thoughts, I hope it helps you get back to feeling good about yourself?

Good luck, and warm wishes!

AG

[debv]

Then there comes a time when I want the real thing. When I want my wife and the intimacy we shared earlier on in our relationship. But then... more excuses. "Oh she's stressed out and not in the mood" or "She's not feeling well, so I'll leave her alone" or again even worse, "She's being distant so why should I bother?". And the blame game begins. Now we justify it as being our SO's fault because we conjured up this sick notion that we're not getting what we need from them so its ok to satisfy ourselves. Thus making excuses for our own selfish needs. And the really messed up part is that, yea, my wife became distant because I became distant by my own actions and I could not see myself and what my addiction did to me. {snip}

But if it helps you understand a little of what we PA's go through to know that this addiction is NOT THE FAULT OF THE SO'S! Then it is worth it.

AG, I wasn't clear. I was not saying it was my fault that Dude turned to porn (and I'd known him more than 10 years, been married 6, when it started) or my fault that he continued using it. What I am saying is some of what you said above - that it did, in fact, have to do with me. You, Dude, other PAs, all made active choices that directly impacted we SOs, actively considered we SOs, and even blamed them on we SOs, in your minds and, in my case at least, verbally during the course of the addiction.

You yourself in the quote above say you made the active choice to use P and MB rather than be with your wife. Not her fault, no, and Dude's choices weren't my fault. But the choices he made did, in fact, have to do with me. Like you, he actively, purposely chose not to have s3x with me and to use P and MB instead. And this has everything to do with me, although I concur it was not my fault. To say it had nothing to do with me is to minimize the hurtfulness of the choice that you, Dude, and other PAs made regarding your SOs. It's a failure to own up to the full impact of your addiction and gain control over the addiction. /imo