One foot out the door

[WifeOfNewLifeMan]

My husband posted in the new members forum, so if you want, you can read his intro and my response there. I don't know what the future holds for us, but maybe this journal will help keep me from lashing out at him every night when we go to bed. I read here how we can't let this whole thing consume us and he doesn't need to hear it from me every day because he already feels guilty and knows he's wrong. But, even if we don't talk about it, it still consumes us. So, here's my side of the story.

In the interests of honesty, and because I am sure it is on his mind, I will state up front that I cheated 6 yrs ago, 3 years into our marriage. I have no excuse and I have felt guilty ever since. I never even was tempted or thought about cheating until I met this guy. I was deployed and I met someone who was fun and confident. He was the guy everyone liked who had a story for everything. He was a laugh a minute. He was not better looking than my husband, and I didn’t even like him when I met him. But after a few months, I changed my mind and then I cheated.

I rationalized to myself that I was deployed and it was just so nice to be wanted even if it wasn’t real. I didn’t even know how unsatisfied with my husband I was until I met this guy. When I say unsatisfied, I mean… this guy was so sure and confident and was aggressive and initiated stuff with me. There was no ambivalence, and it was nice. I knew it wasn’t real, but it still made me feel good for a time. I felt so guilty and when I got home, I am sure I was distant because of this. So, my husband was distant too and I felt more alone, even though I chose my own bad path. So, I kept e-mailing the guy for a week or two. I am not so good at lying and hiding so I got caught. I stopped everything cold and I never cheated again. We talked and my husband forgave me, or so I assumed since he stayed with me. He never brings it up and I thought we were past it. We didn’t go to counseling, but we talked and resolved a lot of things that we didn’t even really know were issues with us. Mostly with communication.

So, that was 6 years ago, and for 6 years I have felt guilty. I am guilty. I have no excuse and my reasons are poor reasons. So when I woke up one night a few weeks after having a baby and found my husband in the other room with hands down his pants, sweaty and guilty, I was shocked, but I felt like its not as bad as what I did. We talked, and I thought he understood how I felt. He said it was just while I was pregnant because he was less attracted to me. So, a few days later, same thing. I wake up, and find him again, watching videos and hands down his pants. He was like, oh, since you know now, I thought you were cool with it. So, I clarified. I am not cool with it. So, ok, I won’t do it again. A year later, in Aug 2006 or so, I keep finding the history cleared on the computer. Why? Oh, the computer is slow. I find a program to automatically wipe browsing history when you shut down. Why? Oh, the computer is slow. I come home early from a night out with friends, he’s all sweaty and antsy and so happy to see me he greets me in the door way. And so, I had questions, and the answers were lies. Then he forgets to clear his browser and I see the video sites. And I walked out and didn’t come back for hours. When I came home, we talked. He said he didn’t know if he could give it up, but its just P and just a little bit and he’s sorry. So, I compromised because, why would he choose me? So, I gave him an out. He could look once a week, but he had to tell me. OK, fine, he is good with that. And he’s happy because I am stupid and let him do what he wants regardless of how I feel. But a few weeks later I told him he had to choose. Me or P. I can’t handle the rejection. So, he said he chooses me. That’s around late 2006.

So, I think everything is fine from 2006 until a few weeks ago. I ask him periodically, is he tempted, does he miss it, is he ok without P. And he tells me he is fine and not interested. His dad died and since then, he feels like he has reset his priorities, and he is good to go. So, I was fine. I figured, since I cheated, and this is just P, and he said he was done, then I got what I deserved and now we are even. Then, 2 or 3 weeks ago, I find the texts.

He started texting and calling people and I found some texts on his phone from when I was out of town the month before. After he denied, he finally admitted to a little bit. He said he was chatting on his yahoo account. So I asked him to show me, and it was impossible so he said he downloaded messenger, but that was a lie. I looked on AFF and found someone who looked like him and whose profile sounded like him. He lied and said it wasn’t him. He said he didn’t know what AFF was for a week even though I asked and asked. Finally, he confessed and his confession was part truth, but mostly loads of lies. Yes, I am on AFF, but only recently and its cause I am stressed and I am getting back at you for cheating. But I kept pressing, because I knew he was still lying, He finally said he said he had some other profile but deleted it. I didn’t believe him because this profile was him, I just knew it. So I checked our credit card. I asked him if there was anything else, but he said no. He knew I was checking the credit card, but he still said I wouldn’t find anything. But, I did. I found other site, other personal chat and webcam sites. So I confronted him. He said he didn’t know how those charges got on the credit card, because he only went to the AFF site, no where else and it was only for the last 10 months or so. So I left. I had to get out of the house. When I came back, I asked him again if he had anything else to tell me. He confessed that he went to these other sites too. But that was it. Nothing else. So I looked on AFF again at the profile. I found another part of the profile where he joined groups. One in 2005 in Korea, when he was in Korea. One in 2006 in a town where we lived then. Two in St Louis IL in Jan 09, when we live near there. One of the group messages said his name. So I confronted him. Is this you. He said no, its not him. So I was like, really, someone with your height, birthdate, occupation, who looks like you, has been all the same places as you and has your name, but its not you. No, not him. Then he finally confessed, it was him. His profile said member since May 2001, which is about 8 months after our wedding. He swears he didn’t sleep with anyone. Even though he chatted with people in the local area, his profile says looking for discreet relationships, and he joined groups like OurTown Swingers, Married but looking for more, and LocalSexParties. He sent messages to people asking to exchange info so they could get together.

So, in my husband’s intro, its says he is a P addict. But it is more than P. It is interactive with probably over a hundred women over the last 8 years. He said he didn’t have the courage to meet up with anyone, but it would have probably progressed there if I didn’t catch him. So, after all my guilt, and feeling like I deserve what he throws at me, because at least its not as bad as what I did, now I feel…. Not justified, but absolved. His unfaithfulness was way before mine. His is a habit and addiction and he doesn’t really know if he can stop. Mine was a big mistake, and wrong, but it was not repeated. I have not betrayed him since day one of our marriage. I don’t need counseling and support just to stay faithful to my husband. My norm is not to ignore him, or be with him, and then go seek something else right after. Mine was a one time mistake. His is a lifestyle. So, I still excuse nothing that I have done.

But I also don’t excuse him either.

[WifeOfNewLifeMan]

I don't know if I am committed to working it out. If my husband is committed to change, and I am not yet committed to working it out, then is this forum no good for me?

[Crisodian]

Only you can decide for yourself.

This place can help you with your own struggles to understand PA and your emotional battles being the SO. We're here to listen and share our struggles with you so you don't feel so isolated.

Only you can make the decision if you choose to walk with your H during his recovery. Just like an addict admitting and accepting responsibility for their addiction, only you can make the choice if you are willing to commit or not.

~C~

[WifeOfNewLifeMan]

I have this new catch phrase that goes through my head with all that's going on right now. Its "dealing and healing". Can my husband deal with his addiction and commit to me? Can I heal from the hurt and commit to him? So, we are working on dealing and healing.

We had the worlds longest worst lunch ever yesterday. I told him I want a divorce, but I am not going out to hire a lwayer tomorrow. I know that this is my anger and hurt talking and time may change things. So, later I thought about it and we talked some more. I know it is foolish to make any decisions in the heat of the moment. So I told him that I will give it a year. I will stop throwing around the "D" word. I will try harder to try and want to work things out. I will not give in to my fear today that this will never end. We will give it a year, for him to deal and me to heal. Then we will see where we go from there.

Basically, there are no garuntees. None that he will change, and none that I will stay. So, we are in limbo, but still working towards something.

I read inthe forums about people taking it one day at a time, and I hate all the psycho-babble and recovery speak, but, I do realize the truth in it. I get all worked up and upset and want to quit when I think of the future and what if he does this again and then I will hate him and continue to type poorly worded run on sentences. Then I get so upset and want to hurt him, so I do. But, if I think of today only, and puposely don't think about tomorrow, I am much calmer. Sooooo.... here's to one day at a time.

[Pandora's Hope]

Kudos for realizing that the heat of the moment is not the best time to make a life-changing decision. The recovery-speak gets thrown around because there's a lot of wisdom in it, even if it sometimes seems a bit trite. As Crisodian says, only you can make the decision whether or not to stay with your husband. And I'll add to that: you can only work on your own problems. Good luck to you both in your recovery.

[WifeOfNewLifeMan]

Here we are, day 1, again, with no lies. I asked my husband yesterday to tell me the truth about things that I asked him about after he supposedly "came clean". He kept telling me there was no more, but I asked again yesterday and he told me the truth. He says I ask him for the truth and when he tells me stuff I already know, I get mad at him. I was like, really, you don't know why I am mad? How about because you told me there were no more lies, and yet, here you are coming clean and admitting to more lies. So, I figure if I keep asking him, he will confess to my biggest fear, and that is that he was sleeping around with the people he met online. Why exchange personal info, why chat with local people, if you aren't planning on hooking up. Anyway.... ugg. Day 1 with no more lies. I hope this is the final Day 1.

We had a good talk last night. I think this talking once a week plan is a bad plan. We have to talk more than that or I will explode like I did yesterday morning. We are both working on being honest, even though I hate the things he says. But, we are working on it. He went to a recovery meeting yesterday. It is a step. He asked me if its wrong for him to wonder if after all this, will I still leave? I asked him if its wrong of me to doubt that he will ever change. The answer to each is no, so we are at an impasse for now.

I used to write a lot of bad poetry in previous relationships because I was drawn to guys who would hurt me deeply. I told my husband a few years ago that I am glad he does not inspire bad poetry. Well.... the bad poetry.... its back. Look away, avert your eyes before its too late! Still here? Well I warned you. Here goes:

I tear you apart with my words
Into ribbons and tatters
I shred you, tear at you
But I can not rebuild you
Into the man I thought you were.
So I claw at you, hurt you
Tear at you with my words
Knowing its futile
But its my addiction.
So forgive me while I heal
Forgive me when I relapse
I don’t know when I’ll be finished
Hurting you
You understand, don’t you?

[Crisodian]

Powerful poem, WoNLM. Thank you for sharing it.

Finding the truth through broken trust. That's a hard one. I still have days where I wonder if the "other shoe" is going to drop and I am going to learn about more (than I already know). I think that's one of my biggest fears as well.

I think, for me, it has to do with the repetitive lying, over and over for so long. It makes me wonder if anything in the relationship is real or was (is?) it all a lie.

At some level, I know my H has come completely clean. But there's still that nagging voice that rears its ugly head now and again. I look forward to a day where I can quell it for good. But not yet. I'm not ready.

~C~

[WifeOfNewLifeMan]

Today has been better than yesterday. No angry ranting, not even in my journal. OK, not quite true, I ranted a little to a friend at work. But it was about what I wrote in my journal the day before, so it was a carry-over rant. A rant hangover if you will. :)

My husband is going to a recovery group at church and they have to do these workbooks. One thing in the book is where you write what you can and can't control. So, in the spirit of recovery, here's my list.

Things I have no control over:

my husband's addictions
his desires for other women
his lies
my hurt
my anger
his behavior

Things I have control over:
my temper
what I eat
whether I stay or go

I am sure this list could be longer, but that's it for now.

Part of realizing I have no control over my husband's desires and behavior helps me clarify how I view myself and my contribution to his problem.

If I were skinnier, more toned, with bigger boobs, better hair, prettier, smelled better, brushed my teeth more, acted like a porn freak in bed, walked around naked, and shaved my legs every day, my husband would still desire other women and act on those desires. I can do nothing to change myself that would impact his desire for other women. It is HIS problem, not mine.

[WifeOfNewLifeMan]

I thought I was in the place where we are trying to deal with all of this and find some way to come through this together. But I realized, I already did all this, 2 years ago. Two years ago I was hurt, angry, destroyed. Two years ago, I told him how I felt about the very little that I did know. I told him how his rejection hurt me. I was angry and crying for weeks. I was so hurt, and he seemed like he cared. Two years ago, I told him that if he did this one more time, then I would leave. I meant it. He told me, two years ago, that he was sorry. He said he dealt with it. I told him, go to counseling, do whatever it takes to change. He said he would. He loved me, I was worth more and so was his family. His dad died. He told me, that helped change his priorities and helped him realize how much we were worth and what he had to lose. So, two years ago, he had every chance. He could have decided then, to get help. He could have decided then, to quit. To choose us. He could have decided two years ago, that we were more than his pleasure alone. I gave him every chance. I was understanding and patient. But, two years ago, he decided we weren’t worth it. He learned to lie better and hide things better. I got over it. I forgave him and we moved on. I thought we were relatively happy. So, I was already here, two years ago.

And now, I am done. I told him that if he did it one more time, I would leave. So, his answer to my ultimatum was to spend our money on a year’s subscription one month later. His answer was that he liked it better. So, I have already been down this road. The only difference now is that he says, THIS time, he really is done and really is sorry. But I had to catch him, tear the truth out of him. This time was worse because of how much of an idiot he thinks I am. He really thought that I would believe that an account with him on it was not him. I am an idiot, obviously, for ignoring everything that should have made me suspicious over the years. But I am not such an idiot that I ignore flat out evidence, in my face.
I told him, I would give it a year to see if I get over feeling this way. But I can’t do it. The only thing that helps, is planning my new life without him. So, last night, after the final humiliation of learning he liked to look at porn while I was sitting across from him in the living room, I just flipped. I couldn’t stop crying. Is this my life? How much disrespect, humiliation, lies, and lack of common decency should I put up with? Why is it ONLY with me? He never did this to anyone but me. So, there is something missing, in him or in us. But, I have no desire to do this again. I don’t want to know more. I don’t want to realize how little I meant to him and how much he was willing to put me through so he could have his fix. So, he let me go from my word to try for a year. Thank you. I am so glad. Now, when the bad thoughts come, which they do all the time, I just breathe deeply and tell myself, it doesn’t matter. If we have no future, if we are no longer going to be married, then it doesn’t matter what he did to me in the past.

If there is no future for us any more, I don’t have to look for any answers. There are no answers anyway. So, two years ago, I went through all of this. And I knew, from the start of round four, that I am done trying. He chose himself. I choose me, and my children. I love him, I still do. But it is not the same. I am not in love with him, and don’t choose to stay with a man who cares so little for me and our family. I want a divorce.

I have chosen my path to peace. It calms me and helps me to focus on something else besides this. My path to peace is not my husband’s. My choice now hurts him. I don’t like for him to hurt, but there is no way for us to both be happy here. So, I choose me. I still want him to go through the recovery program and figure out why he has done this. If he wants to change only for me, and not for him, then he won’t really change and that will be just another lie. So, I hope he will be ok. I think it will be better around the house if I am not constantly questioning him. So, I just swallow it down. It doesn’t matter. Look to the future. OK. I have found my path to peace.

[Mefree]

Hmmm...


...Words seem so ineffective at times. I guess that is when nothing needs to be said.

No one knows what's better for you than yourself. Or your children. If you feel you have attained full understanding and used it to determined your path to happiness, then follow it.

I guess that's as far as words can go. Just know you have the well wishes of everyone here.