One foot out the door

[mcp]

wof, duh, we knew you were struggling.... cause we all are!!!!! Struggle with company. You werent fooling me. that is why i kept asking you, how are you? it wasn't rhetorical... I meant it. how are YOU? not him, who gives a rats a$$, but YOU. All of our lives suck right now! we live with and love liars, cheats and addicts. Like that is going to be a nice life. No, its going to suck. Sucks the air out of a room. Sucks the lead out of paint. Just sucks. We can't tell our real life friends and families... so tell your cyber friends and family... us. We can rise and fall and fall some more together.

[fishingbackwards]

I want to help other people, but I can't even help myself.
.............
Now you know. I don't have it all together. I just pretend I do. Who's living in a fantasy world now?

you are helping me
one of my favorite self-help writers says; "Fake it till it's real"

I need to take some of my own advice
(and apologies if this ends up posted twice - internet trouble today...)

[fishingbackwards]

oh yeah, mcp, I love you.........

[WifeOfNewLifeMan]

thanks all for replying to my whine fest earlier. :)

[fishingbackwards]

that is, I think, what we are here for
with love, fb

[Mefree]

I don't have much to say, WoNLM, other than I am truly sorry.

I'll be completely honest now and admit something.
I sometimes find myself avoiding SO journals and such because it makes me feel so ashamed. To think I could have stooped so low when I knew it was wrong to begin with makes me want to do a lot more than scratch my hands. Hypothetically, if I were in a relationship with myself and caught me looking at the junk, furious and depressed would be gross understatements for my emotions.

I don't feel like I can offer much in this post other than my sincere condolences, to all the SO's. Your struggles seem indescribable, and my heart goes out to you. =((

...Now I feel utterly depressed and have to go do some serious thinking.

[fishingbackwards]

may god bless you, mefree

[WifeOfNewLifeMan]

mefree-

To be honest with you, sometimes when I post I hope that the PAs on this site do read it. The PAs who are DONE and working on recovery and healing and being better people, well I am not too concerned whether they read or not. Mostly because they have found the place inside them that makes them want to quit. They have enough going on inside them and possibly with their SOs so they don't really need my words.

I really hope that the married or committed frequent relapsers read my posts, and all the other SO journals. I hope that the PAs on here just because their SO wants them to come here and not because they have accepted their problem read SO journals and get that light bulb. I want the folks who "tried" to quit, but decided they just can't because P gives them something I don't understand... I want them to read the SO journals.

If my journal or any SO journal can help the lightbulb to go on or stay on so that even one person can stop their own self-destruction, then it is worthwhile to be here.

Thanks mefree for your insight. I am sure my husband avoids the journals sometimes too. It is hard to look back on your own behavior and truly know how hurtful it was. But, you and everyone on here can change. Thank you for trying and for your kind words.

[Crisodian]

I completely agree with WoNLM. I think all PAs should read SO journals for the very reasons she posted.

I couldn't sum it up any better myself.

Peace,
~C~

[little_wife]

" I am still having a hard time believing everythig that's
happened is all part of a P addiction. He tells me that the
chat lines, the phone sx, the calling up and going to a
happy ending massage place is all part of the P addiction. I
just don't see it. But he is not a sx addict, he doesn't like
to have real sx, so I don't know what it is. I keep going
around in my head that the thing that turns him on the
most is "not me". If he had a type, if he was looking at
blondes, or breasts, or sicko stuff, or anything that was
a category, maybe I could get my head around it. It
would be like, OK, he likes me, but he also really likes
chesty blondes so that's his thing. But he has no thing.
He doesn't see someone or something and get aroused
and go look at P. He doesn't have some fetish or certain
thing that gets him going. It is nothing that I can see
except that he gets horny, thinks, hmm, my wife or a
stranger... and then chooses "not me". "


fishingbackwards, my heart goes out to you. You sound like you're in so much pain. You sound so broken and crushed. But there is hope, and it will not come from making sure every question is answered and every "i" is dotted.
It sounds very much like your husband is a sex addict; he seeks out sexual stimuli constantly, ignorning his family in hopes of getting his fix. Would you be more comfortable with the term Orgasm Addict? Regardless of what you call it, its still what it is, and no title will change that.
As fellow SOs, I can tell you all our spouses sought out "not me"s. Some have fetishes and some do not, some just seek the thrill of something new. Some and many seek other outlets besides P. I know my husband did. But getting all the answers, figuring it all out, will NEVER, and I mean NEVER change the past. I've been through this most of my adult life. And I am not healed, and probably never will be completely. But I do know, that if you keep running it through your head, and hope that one day it will make sense and you'll have the answer you want--that you will drive yourself nuts, to depression. Sometimes you just have to move foreward without all the answers and accept that some of it will never be wrapped up neatly. Its something I think eventually all of us SO's must decide in order to save ourselves.

Many blessings to you fishing, and hopes that you have an awesome day today,
little_wife