One foot out the door

[WifeOfNewLifeMan]

Thanks D! My husband is good at taking care of the home front.

[WifeOfNewLifeMan]

I haven’t been on here in a while, because I haven’t needed to be. I went away for work again for 6 weeks and it was an amazing breath of fresh air. One thing I discovered from being gone from home so much is that while I miss my kids, I don’t miss my marriage so much. When I am gone, I can breathe. I don’t obsess about what happened, or what might be happening or wonder so much how it could have happened to me. When I am gone, I am me and it is amazing. I feel bad because I love my husband and I don’t want to hurt him. I don’t want to pay him back or get back at him or hurt him in any way. I simply want to just be.

I hope every PA who might read this will wake up and realize that when you make stupid selfish decisions over and over, you only do it because you can. At some point, you will discover that you can’t anymore, and it will be too late because you will have destroyed your marriage. Even if you quit today, right now and change your life, it could still be too late.

[metalfossil]

I haven’t been on here in a while, because I haven’t needed to be. I went away for work again for 6 weeks and it was an amazing breath of fresh air. One thing I discovered from being gone from home so much is that while I miss my kids, I don’t miss my marriage so much. When I am gone, I can breathe. I don’t obsess about what happened, or what might be happening or wonder so much how it could have happened to me. When I am gone, I am me and it is amazing. I feel bad because I love my husband and I don’t want to hurt him. I don’t want to pay him back or get back at him or hurt him in any way. I simply want to just be.

I hope every PA who might read this will wake up and realize that when you make stupid selfish decisions over and over, you only do it because you can. At some point, you will discover that you can’t anymore, and it will be too late because you will have destroyed your marriage. Even if you quit today, right now and change your life, it could still be too late.

Hello WifeOfNewLifeMan,

You are so correct about it being too late. I often used to think my wonderful long suffering wife was punishing me. I had hurt her time and time again with my hollow promises and I was getting surly because she was feeling down and wasn't being herself....go figure. I have quit (again), but I know she is still very fragile. My marriage was in tatters and hanging by its fingers a few months back and even now I'm not sure L even wants to move forward....trust, trust, trust. IT eats away at it like rot eats away at the inside of an apple.

I hope to hell I have woken up enough and that it's not too late....

Dave

[Disillusioned]

Hi WONLM,
I am glad for the sense of self you feel away, but I am sorry to see yet another marriage destroyed by P. It makes me feel so sad for all of us. I pray for peace for you in your decision, and clarity in seeing the future and its possibilities.

I also understand your not wanting retribution or retaliation and still loving the man your h was destined to be...the man without PA, the man who could be trusted, the man who shared special vows with you. At the lowest point in this with my h, I felt the same. I just wanted peace, and I didn't want to hurt anyone, as there was already too much of that. The damage is still there even with the improvement in my h. You can begin to heal, but will forever be scarred. This is a terrible price to pay for loving someone who got lost in P and all its lies.

I'm still pulling for you, no matter which way you go or what you choose.
disillusioned

[Mac]

I hope every PA who might read this will wake up and realize that when you make stupid selfish decisions over and over, you only do it because you can. At some point, you will discover that you can’t anymore, and it will be too late because you will have destroyed your marriage. Even if you quit today, right now and change your life, it could still be too late.

"Bingo" WONLM
Thanks for posting this.

Mac

[Disillusioned]

Hi WONLM,
Just read your post on someone's journal, and wanted to remind you, that no matter what the state of your marriage, you are still a woman who is recovering from the effects of PA. Your journaling here is as welcome as is your need.
You have such wisdom and the ability of getting right to the point...an efficiency of words that I couldn't catch in 60+ years of living. I do hope you will pop in now and then, and let us know how you are, and I believe your advice in another's journal was A+, right on.
I wish you well, wherever you are and however you are, and remind you that the door is always open and the light is on for you.
God bless and keep you well.

[IN NEED OF HELP]

I hope every PA who might read this will wake up and realize that when you make stupid selfish decisions over and over, you only do it because you can. At some point, you will discover that you can’t anymore, and it will be too late because you will have destroyed your marriage. Even if you quit today, right now and change your life, it could still be too late.

Very well said, and to the point. Thank you so much for sharing this point with us. I do hope more PA'S read this here. It does hit in the HEART, when you read this

Gerald

[WifeOfNewLifeMan]

Things are interesting at my house now. I have had a big secret for a long time, but it is out now. My secret wasn't much of a secret, it isn't like my husband didn't know something was going on with me. But, I kept silent, and hope for the best. It wasn't sustainable forever though. Now my secret is out... I still want a divorce. I told my husband in the very beginning that I would leave him if I ever found out about P again. Then when the big discovery happened and I knew it was so much worse than just P, I wanted to leave. I told him so. But, then I committed to trying to stay committed to him. I didn't want to break up my family and I thought with enough time and recovery, I would possibly change my mind. But I haven't.

It has been 2.5 years since the big discovery. As far as I know, he hasn't gone back to any of the P or chatting or anything. He has been totally clean and committed. I can see the changes he has made. But, it is too late for me. I don't feel the same, and knowing he had so many opportunities to stop but chose not to, makes it worse. I truly believe he would never do this to someone he really loved and couldn't do without. It isn't even like he was doing this forever before we got married. He introduced it while we were engaged and jumped in with both feet. This started when we got together. No one can tell me he didn't feel like he settled for me and then used the P and chatting to make the rest of his life more tolerable. I am not really mad about it anymore. I am still hurt, but not the soul crushing hurt.

I knew I could never live with something like this, but I tried. I just can't. I don't care if he is clean now and forever. He was forced into it. Maybe I will never find someone in my life that I love who loves me. But, I would rather be alone than with someone who only chose me when he had no other option, and kicked and fought the entire way. I am not settling for someone who only settled for me.

So, now my secret is out. I think it is a relief in some ways for both of us. But I wonder what he is thinking sometimes. We get along well still. Everything is fine on the surface. Does he look at me and think, "everything seems fine, things could be great... why doesn't she want to be with me?" If so, that is exactly what I thought too. Our marriage could have been great, if he just wanted to be with me.

I still come to TTF. I still think about everyone here so I check in on people. I think I still want to understand how this happened, and that is why I come too. My whole life and my childrens' lives are going to be changed. How did this happen? I am still a child, crying inside and asking, why? Why didn't he want me? Why did he lie? Why did he choose everyone but me? I don't understand how someone who wanted so little sx with me was actually a sx addict. There are no answers, but I still wish I knew.

This is not magic. It isn't like, well, he changed so now I should be happy. I think there was a time when it could have happened, but everyone has their breaking point. There are so many if only's.

[maggie]

Dear WONLM,

You have been a stellar example of a reasonable, hardworking woman who tried to work throught it all. (It) being the unrelenting pain of loving a man who enjoyed lusting after other women. I've read all of your journal posts and I've never read any hysterical insults or threats or any self-pity rantings. You are a STRONG person. Really you are!

I understand your thought process here. It may shake some couples on TTF to hear that even though he has stopped and you believe he has reformed and changed in a better way, the pain and the disloyalty are too much to endure in a marriage.

[QUOTE][ knew I could never live with something like this, but I tried. I just can't. I don't care if he is clean now and forever./QUOTE]

When we read some of the single men's journals here who are struggling to get free from this.... it is so amazing that they see the dark side of p and how it affects their character and self worth.... without having a life partner crying in the background. On their own they come to realize that although this compulsion may feel good physically for a brief time; isn't good for their self esteem and self respect in the long term.

It is immeasurably destructive in a relationship that is built on trust and intimacy....to find out the person was lying and deceiving you and that intimacy was reduced to a quick on-line thrill.

Regardless of the success of one's recovery.... these huge wounds, which have been inflicted in a very hurtful way will remain. I have always had an unsettling feeling about forgiving a person, who I totally trusted, for blatantly deceiving me and looking for others for enjoyment. I want to feel forgiveness, but only for my own mental stability, not for reconciliation.

[JenMac]

Hey WONLM,
I am sorry to hear of your news. I am not surprised. It seems like so many are struggling and often choosing to move forward on their own. I don't blame any SO for that. After all, only the person who has been betrayed is in a position to make that decision for themselves. Sometimes it takes a long time to come to that decision, and really it shouldn't be rushed. You have taken your time and you have tried to heal, but you have not been able to come to terms with this. Who can blame you? You are making a decision in your own best interest.
I wish you well as you move forward. May you find peace in your heart.
Jenn