One foot out the door

[little_wife]

mpc...you put your finger on it for me. That's exactly how I felt too. And then he could tell all his friends what the bad I was.....somehow it never felt fair.

[WifeOfNewLifeMan]

mcp and littlewife-

It feels good, doesn't it, to know that just because he's not interested, we know someone else is.

It would feel good right now, like justice, to go out and do the real thing. Its like look, you jerk, you want something else so bad, but you know you can't handle the real thing, so you go hide somewhere and look at a computer. At least if I wanted something else, I would just go get it. *sigh* It would feel like justice, but its just another way of hiding.

I could go out right now and have a fling. I am a woman, its not hard for us to find some man willing to give a little attention in exchange for sx. But, I don't want just sx. If that's what I wanted, I wouldn't have gotten married. I want the attention from the man I married. I want to be with him. Even now.

At the end of the day, for some of us anyway, that temptation to flirt, to get the attention our guy doesn't give us, is there. But, I already have a fake relationship with my husband. I don't want a fake relationship with someone else too. If I even tried to go out and do something, it would be to get my husband's attention, not some other guy. Its late, and I am rambling.

good luck ladies, I hope we all get through this with our sanity intact.

[WifeOfNewLifeMan]

Crisodian,

You said the hard part is finding out WHY! I agree. I ask my husband why, and he lists all the ways he justified his actions to himself. It was late, I was asleep, I would never know, he is stupid, he was selfish... he lists all these things that have nothing to do with WHY he liked it so much and chose it over everything. All the reasons listed are the rationalizations he used to make it ok to do what he liked to do. None of those reasons are WHY he chose to do it, they are just excuses to rationalize his bahvior.

My husband needs to figure out for himself WHY he likes this, why he prefers it to a real relationship. If he can figure out his root cause, then he can heal and move on. I hope the root cause is not just that he isn't satisfied with one woman and he should be single forever. I think that would be a sad and lonely life.

Thank you for your insight and of course I always have time for you.

[WifeOfNewLifeMan]

Today is day 1, again, of no tirades. It is also day 2 I think of no more lies. If the days of no more lies are more than the number of days of no tirades, that is no cooincidence.

It is also saturday, and a day when I got no sleep. I was working on a paper all night. I took a nap from 5am until 8 am and now I need to finish. I am so distracted by all that's going on in my life. I feel like I am obsessed with these forums. It doesn't give me a rush though.

I hope everyone has a good day.

[Pandora's Hope]

Oh, sweetie- you need to try to get some sleep. I feel for you. I"m working OT at work and also have three major papers due tomorrow night, although fortunately two are very short. I've been off-kilter all semester because of this issue so I know what you mean. It's very distracting. Sometimes I find standing in a shower as hot as I can stand it as long as I can stand it makes me feel better. Also, try watching something funny- a movie or tv show- hopefully with your h, but if not, then alone- laughter really can help decrease your stress. The only way to "eat an elephant" without choking is one bite at a time.
Be kind to yourself, you deserve it.
hugs
p

[fishingbackwards]

thank you for the poem on the first page
you said it so well.........

[WifeOfNewLifeMan]

fishingbackwards- Thanks for the thanks. :)

pandora- I finally got some sleep. My paper is turned in, I slept until 10 this morning, I ate cupcakes yesterday.... things are looking up.

Well, actually, I thought it was a good day, but the evenings really get me down. It was such a pleasant, ordinary, do nothing, hang out at home type of day. It was the type of day I used to think was a good day before. Now, I realize its the type of day that sends, ok, sent, my husband off to look at P and chat with women. If he changes his behavior, how long until the desire goes away? How long until he is actually satisfied with his life and wife, and not so bored he would rather be anywhere else.

So, it was a good day, but the evenings are the worst. But I will make it through. I don't want to talk to him about this because there are no answers. I always leaned on him when I was hurting. Who do I lean on now? So, I don't want to talk to him, and that way, there will be no tirades. There are no answers.

I hate being so sad.

[mcp]

wofn, I guess we have to lean on each other for right now, until they are strong enough to pick up where they left off, or in some cases, never started.

I hate being sad too. i am thinking of maybe taking some meds until this briar patch passes. I read it somewhere, I work in the medical field so not sure where, but Depression is anger turned inward. That is what I have. Depression caused by my anger that should be directed at him, but I have turned it inward. Mainly, cause I am tired of fighting, tired of crying. i am trying to be supportive. but, who then supports me? He knows something is wrong with me, wants to sit with me and cuddle. Funny, he doesn't know why I am upset. Duh... He said i don't do enough for me. duh to that too. i am too busy doing everything else. Duh, duh, duh... This might make you laugh, i am going to do some research tomorrow on all of the words I can find to describe his behavior. Lol... Passive aggressive at it's finest. i think i am coming to the conclusion that I won't be slammed on Friday in therapy. Do you have a therapist to discuss this with or are you going it alone?

He still doesn't know about this site. He's still in denial. Which means I can post my a$$ off and he will never be the wiser. He knows there's a problem but is still thinking its me with the problem. My reaction to his normal male patterns. I am soooo glad i am not a man. God knew what he was doing with me.

Try to focus on this... he isn't doing what you described right now, not today. Try to do something with the anger so it doesn't eat your soul. i should follow that as well.

it's scary though, not knowing what to do, or if I will be here next Christmas. Or will I be elsewhere, with someone else, this will be a distant memory. that is a pleasant thought.

We were whole people before we met them, we will be whole people again. someday they will understand the full impact of their behaviors. Someday, it will hurt less. Maybe tomorrow...

[WifeOfNewLifeMan]

mcp-

I forgot to thank you for your post the other day. So, thanks!
Thanks really to all the SOs here. You have helped me.

I uploaded my avatar today. Its scales. I think scales are appropriate. I told my husband to look at his PA this way.

Pictures a set of scales. One one side, put all the things P gives you. Now on the other side, put all the things your PA takes away. Does the scale balance? Does P give more than it takes? I don't think so.

I also posted to someone else, I can't remember who, that they should think about the end of their life and what they will remember. Will the highlights be the time they spent alone in a room looking at P and MB? If so, that's a pretty sad life.

I am tired and I am going to bed. I have no homework and I get to sleep in tomorrow! Yay!

[mcp]

How true! Remember the Tim McGraw song, Live like you were dying... or the email that was circulated about your tomb stone that had your date of birth, a dash... then your death. What was your dash? Hopefully, you meant something to somebody, good parent, good spouse, good friend... not just an excellent manipulater, liar, sneak, letch. I guess we can all apply that thinking to ourselves.