One foot out the door

[maggie]

WONLM,

I have no idea who I would be now

Sad but inspirational. Look at who you have become. A loving, devoted mother who is serving in the military and holding her family together...under pretty difficult circumstances.

Whatever your father was... or was not.... You have risen above it all and have become a caring - responsible - person.
( despite the fact that you sometimes eat cocoa puffs for dinner ! )

maggie

[Cupcakemomma]

WoNLM,
Women like us were truly blessed to have fathers who CHOSE us. They may not have been the fathers we wished we had, but they did the job for someone else. Thank God for those dads. I hope you're day cheers up.

[JenMac]

LOve this Cupcake! You are so very right! And those Dads who chose to be with you are so very special because it was not required! It shows they love you very much!!
Jenn

WoNLM,
Women like us were truly blessed to have fathers who CHOSE us. They may not have been the fathers we wished we had, but they did the job for someone else. Thank God for those dads. I hope you're day cheers up.

[WifeOfNewLifeMan]

Someone said in a PA journal:

For the past couple of years of my recover, I have not been able to watch those movies without thinking about the ring as my addiction. I don’t think many SOs truly understand how strong the P addiction can be. But I also understand that if we give full reign to this addiction we can all end up like Gollum!!!!

Oh yes we do. I do. I don't understand WHY but I do understand how strong this addiction can be. I lived with my husband who preferred it to anything. I lived it and I understand it is strong. I just don't understand WHY P would be preferable to everything else. That is the struggle.

[WifeOfNewLifeMan]

I read in Jenn's journal today her response to what I posted above which was originally from a post in Phil's journal. I still get so conflicted about the whole addiction aspect of this mess. My husband says he doesn't struggle. He has passing thoughts about P, but not an urge or struggle. He says he doesn't want to go back and he is sick about how he treated me. Other than the very beginnng, he says it hasn't been hard to not look at P or chat. I know everyone is different, but this doesn't seem like an addiction he is recovering from. It seems more like he used to do what he wanted, because he thought he deserved it and he didn't care if it hurt me because... I don't know why. So, he did it until he couldn't do it anymore, then he quit. Because he wanted to quit.

I go around in circles with these thoughts every so often. The whole "addict or a-hole" question. I think for some people it is an addiction or compulsion. For others, for my husband, I think it was something he wanted to do, so he did it. He could have quit, but he didn't want to until he was forced to make a choice. I suppose he could have chosen P instead of our marriage but then he would really look like a grade a a-hole. The most important thing was looking good for other people, but not being good. So, it is no comfort really that he chose our marriage.

I still have dreams where he is rejecting me. Leaving me naked and going to sleep. Or ignoring me no matter what I say or do. Actually, when we last saw each other, I asked him a question at the hospital and he didn't answer me. He simply walked away. At that moment, I believed all my dreams were coming true right before my eyes. I spoke, and he didn't answer and simply walked away. I went after him and asked why he would just walk off without me, but he wasn't. He was checking to see if we could both go in together. But I couldn't see it. When there is a crisis, and no time to think, just react, I truly have to face my beliefs. I believe he was always looking for a way out, and he would still leave if he could, but then he would look like a bad guy and he doesn't want to do that.

Nov will be 2 years since D day. It has gotten easier. But I still have thoughts and questions every day. When does it end? I don't obsess on these thoughts, I just let them pass and it doesn't really upset me most days. But, it still happens. I am not insecure in myself, but I am still insecure in my marriage. This is the legacy my husband has given us. Its hard to believe a man could go from who he was for 9 years to actually valuing his marriage. He chose his other life. I hope he really chooses this life. I hate to think I am wasting my time.

I go home soon and I am nervous. I still feel like there is two of me. The me that is happy and everythng is fine, which is mostly true. And then the other me, that holds back, and just observes and has terrible thoughts and regrets.

[Charly22]

Your confliction is my confliction as well. I see change. I feel the change. I am married to a new man these days. It is as though I am having to learn who he is all over again. Now don't get me wrong, I am really amazed and very pleased with this new creature I am married to. But those days that the thoughts haunt me, I hate those days. I hate myself for not trusting. I beat myself up for wanting to question things. I want it to stay perfect, like it has been, but I am fearful that it will be taken away in a split second. It is shaky ground. I understand.

But I do have to believe that YOU are not wasting your time. I really truly believe that, and I don't even "know" you and your husband. For a man to make the changes that he has, for a man to take part in church meetings about this subject like your husband has, THAT MAN loves you! That man values his marriage. That man came under attack. That man was deceived. That man bears the scars of the battle that he fought for YOU, for his marriage. And even if p tries to get its claws back into your husband, it doesn't matter, it wont' work, because of the love that the two of you share. Stand on that. It is stronger because of all of this. Call me naive, or what have you. I am not stupid. I know there are chances that this addiction can come calling at any time. BUT.....I know love is stronger. I proclaim it to anyone who dares challenge that. And you two love each other. I have no doubt about that!!!!!!!

[WifeOfNewLifeMan]

Thank you Charly! Sometimes an outside perspective can be more clear than for me because I am too close.

[Mac]

WONLM, I really like what Charly has said here, Thanks Charly really bang on.
I can certainly see and understand that it must be so hard to start to trust again, but you have to start somewhere, sometime or where will this all lead you. I also understand us Pa's need to be sure we show everyday that we are working a program that will allow you guys to start gaining a confidence in what you see in us as being the real thing. I think you see us making changes but because of the broken trust you just don't know exactly how much of it you can really believe in.
We just have to keep giving you things to trust and count on and you guys have to keep grasping onto what makes sense to you and hopefully it builds to where the trust is there again. We all want the trust to be back, both PA's and SO's. Time and patience will get us there I'm sure
I hope this makes a little sense as I feel like I rambled a little trying to say what i wanted to say.

All the best
Mac

[astander]

Boy oh boy oh boy, do I know what you mean. The "a-hole or addict" debate is one I have often with myself.

[WifeOfNewLifeMan]

Colossions 3:12-17

My Bible reading today was about forgiving others as Christ forgave us. It is also about being Christ like.

I have beaten myself up at times for not being forgiving enough or Christ like enough. But, this passage made me think. What does it mean to forgive like Christ forgives us? He loves us. Does that mean we have a blanket forgiveness policy? Does that mean we can screw Him over, again and again, with little thought or care, and no repentance? No! Christ says repent and be forgiven. Not sorry, not embarrassed, not defensive, not liars, not hiders of wrongdoing. He says, repent and be forgiven. He loves us always. But, if we sin and do not repent, then there is no real relationship and no forgiveness.

That puts an entirely new perspective on being Christ like and forgiving as Christ forgave me. I am blessed that my husband is learning to love me like Christ loves the church. It is impossible to have a Biblical marriage if half of the partnership refuses to do their part. I find it possible to forgive my husband because he has repented. If he hadn't, we would have no real relationship, because it would not be possible. But, that wouldn't mean I don't love him.