One foot out the door

[WifeOfNewLifeMan]

Pandora and Crisodian-

Thank you. It is nice to get the reality check sometimes that when all you focus on is the bad, that is all you see.

I think today will be a good day.

[Crisodian]

I think you are right. Today will be a good day.

Here's to looking forward, without forgetting the past.

~C~

[Pandora's Hope]

WoNLM,
I"m so sorry if I came on too strong. I do know what you're feeling like, and I, too, have gone through those additional day 1's or finding out there's more when you thought you'd heard it all. I'm so sorry you're going through that pain right now- it just sucks and the anger, hurt, humiliation, etc, can be overwhelming.
That being said, I think we've all fallen into the trap of not choosing our words quite as carefully as we might have, had we remembered at the time we were writing that these forum posts are public. I know I and my husband both have done that here- but we also got some gentle and not-so-gentle reality checks from the rest of the forum about the way we were acting/thinking/feeling as a result of those posts, which ultimately helped us both to grow. Anyone who tells you this isn't hard, for either side of the issue- obviously hasn't done it.
I hope today was even better than you imagined it would be.
Pandora

[WifeOfNewLifeMan]

Today was a good day. I had some giggles and I know none of this is really funny, but sometimes, some aspects are just so silly and laughing is better than crying.

My husband and I had a good talk today, which followed a very unpleasant talk last night. Talk isn't the right word for last night but I don't know the right word for yelling in whispers. But, last night clarified some of the last pieces of the puzzle for me. I got the answers I needed.

After my husband's recovery group today we talked about his meeting and how he was doing. There was no yelling or anger, just talking. It was good to talk like that. But, there was no lying and denial in our talk either, which made everything much more tolerable.

We are in separate bedrooms now. It cuts down on the night time fighting. But, I think he is done lying now, which also cuts down on the night time fighting. I hate fighting. We rarely fight, so this is just so hard on both of us.

Good night all.

Oh, and Pandora- no problem. If we all thought before we spoke or acted, we wouldn't need forums like this, eh? I don't think there is a site for chronic lack of tact-itis or its cousin, foot-in-the mouth-itis. So, I will just have to recover from those two things on my own. :)

[cyberpunk]

With all due respect to Pandora and Cris I have to disagree with them. This thread is in the "Journals for SO's" part of the website. While it is publicly available there is (or should be) a certain understanding that this is a "safe" zone for WONLM to express her feelings without fear of reprimand. I think that the same thing is true for the PA section of the site. I want to be able to post to my journal freely and openly without fear of offending someone else. This trust, frankness and openness in our journals is what makes this site such a welcoming place to everyone, SO and PA.

If a PA gets offended by this thread, well then they probably shouldn't be reading in this area. If this conversation had been occurring in a general area or in a PA's journal I would say it was probably inappropriate. In AA and SA they actually have two meetings, one for the spouses and one for the addicts, and the two don't mix, which allows for the free expression of thoughts and struggles. Unfortunately that isn't easy to replicate on this forum.

I would say, though, that while it is important to express our feelings it is also important to not wallow in the mire. I think it is great when fellow members can post in our journal and say, "Hey, I think you're thinking is a little messed up, why don't you look at it from this perspective." This helps us as a community to help each other and learn from other's experiences and perspective.

Finally, my heart breaks for you WONLM and for all women across the world. To quote a tv show (which I won't name) "Why is [this world] so hell-bent on destroying its female population?" It disgusts me that I have contributed to this process with my actions and I am sorry. I hope that you will be able to find peace and healing quickly. God bless you.

[Crisodian]

Today was a good day. I had some giggles and I know none of this is really funny, but sometimes, some aspects are just so silly and laughing is better than crying.

That's so true, isn't it? Some days we need to find the laughter among the tears to help us heal.

My husband and I had a good talk today, which followed a very unpleasant talk last night. Talk isn't the right word for last night but I don't know the right word for yelling in whispers. But, last night clarified some of the last pieces of the puzzle for me. I got the answers I needed.

After my husband's recovery group today we talked about his meeting and how he was doing. There was no yelling or anger, just talking. It was good to talk like that. But, there was no lying and denial in our talk either, which made everything much more tolerable.

It's great that you both are communicating and it sounds like he is being more open and honest with you. Try to keep it going. That helped AG and I so much. I wish you both the best.

I don't think there is a site for chronic lack of tact-itis or its cousin, foot-in-the mouth-itis. So, I will just have to recover from those two things on my own.

You know...if we look hard enough, there probably is a support group somewhere...lol. I think we all suffer from those ailments occasionally.

Find a path to peace,
~C~

[Crisodian]

I would say, though, that while it is important to express our feelings it is also important to not wallow in the mire. I think it is great when fellow members can post in our journal and say, "Hey, I think you're thinking is a little messed up, why don't you look at it from this perspective." This helps us as a community to help each other and learn from other's experiences and perspective.

I think that is a key point, cyber. Not wallowing in the mire...not harping on the pain and suffering over and over and over...We SOs have a hard time moving forward when we live only in the past and can't see a way through the pain. Moving forward is hard. Re-living it over and over doesn't help.

We're not saying it isn't ok to express pain and vent, rant or otherwise shout your opinion from the roof top, but the point is, negativity feeds negativity. Where as positive encouragement and support, helps us all move forward.

~C~

[WifeOfNewLifeMan]

Today is day 1 again, with no lies. I think this may be the final day 1. I sure hope so.

Luckily, it is about day 5 of no arguments, tears, tirades or anything like that. So, that's nice.

He finally read my journal last night. He said he was looking for it before but couldn't find it. I really think he was just avoiding reading what i said. Its another way to keep jus distance. Just like when he was doing his thing all the time, he didn't even think about what I would feel, because then he would have to confront what he was doing and possibly quit. He wasn't ready to quit, so he just avoided. This is a smart guy here, a computer guy. He was well versed in finding things online. But he couldn't figure out to click on my name and find my posts?

Anyway, he finally stopped avoiding my journal and read it. So, that's a good step for him. It about more than just stopping the P. The P is devestating and damaging and hurtful and all of those things. But the root of it all is that he felt the need to disconnect from real life, from me, for whatever reasons. If he can stop avoiding confrontation, emotion, real feelings, real people, then it can only be a good step for him and his future.

[Crisodian]

But the root of it all is that he felt the need to disconnect from real life, from me, for whatever reasons.

My H did the same thing. I would bet many other SOs would report the same. The fustrating part is figuring out WHY?

That one still baffles me.

It sounds like you had another day 1. I'm sorry for that. Those get old after a while. I hope to never see another one. I'm glad your H is finally reading your journal. Maybe it will give him some insight into how PA has really made an impact on your life as much as it has his.

Find a path to peace.
~C~

PS - And thanks. For ...well..you know. :)

[mcp]

funny, I was driving home thinking of our patterns. I guess it is similar, across the board. We fight over P. i am ticked, and going to go. Not married, why am I staying thing. So, then he begs, promises, yada yada. Then we make up, I believe him. then after a while, maybe a month or so, he doesn't reach for me, doesn't kiss me, not interested in S with me. I know something is wrong, but can't put my finger on it. Next thing I know, I am flirty with other men, let them stand too close, talk not dirty, but share thoughts with them. After a few times of that, I think, what the hell am I doing? Then i realize, he's ain't taking care of his business. Then, I search and I find. Then throw out. Then fight. Then, it starts all over again. the roller coaster ride. This time, I didn't fight. I just said it. No tears, no hyperventilating. Just, here it is. Funny how what I take as his being unfaithful, P, makes me turn it up a notch and go for the real thing. Every once in a while, I will make a comment like, well, I don't have to pay to see nudity. i just have to ask. I had a business acquaintance tell me the other day that he loves me. What a shot in the arm. I am getting my attention elsewhere. Yet, I feel justified in doing so. That is bad too. Wonder if I will get out from under this with my sanity.