One foot out the door

[WifeOfNewLifeMan]

LLT- this will be a better holiday season, it is already. I hope the same for you.

I often think about what I learned in class about protection from a nuclear blast.

Time, distance and shielding are the best way to survive a nuclear blast. I think its true of surviving the impact of a PA as a partner as well.

This holiday season is brighter than last year, for sure. Time!

[WifeOfNewLifeMan]

I read so many PA journals here about how they go out in public and lust after all the pretty girls. There is so much objectification out there. It made me think about how again, PA and pornification in our society is so unfair.

Women are more than their bodies and their faces. We are not put on this earth to be some man's tool for him to get off.

What about women who aren't outwardly pretty or have a hot body? Where do normal or average women fit in this culture where men are applauded and encouraged to just look at the outside? Not only are men objectifying the women they find attractive, they are completely dismissing those that don't fit their criteria. If women have one pupose for a PA, then there's only two categories of women. Those that fit their criteria of "P worthy" and those that don't. These women are invisible. Either way, the PA misses out on what a woman really is. They don't look past the outside on the "hot" women, and they don't look past the outside on the regular women. Either way, they don't see a woman as she is at all.

This makes more sense in my head. I can't quite type out what I am thinking. I think the PA is missing out on so much of life by dismissing women as just a tool, or useless since they aren't worth anything visually.

[Charly22]

They don't look past the outside on the "hot" women, and they don't look past the outside on the regular women. Either way, they don't see a woman as she is at all.

I am reminded of a lyric from a song...

"you don't seem to know, don't seem to care what your heart is for"

[rosie]

Where do normal or average women fit in this culture where men are applauded and encouraged to just look at the outside?

The fact that there is a term such as "Average" for women based on their looks, is itself indicative of how society views women and how much their looks are paramount in their worth.

I know it all too well.

[WifeOfNewLifeMan]

I leave this week for 6 months for a deployment. I will be on my own and my husband is afraid I am going to meet someone who will make me feel loved and special and then I will leave him. That's a valid concern on his part. I have not been committed to this marriage since the truth came out. I have imagined escape and I have done hurtful things. But, while his concern is valid, its not going to happen. There is no perfect guy out there. There is no one who will make me feel loved and special if I don't feel it from the inside first. I don't need someone else to validate me. Even though I have needed that in the past, I don't need it now. I know who I am and I know my own worth. My parents treated me badly, but that doesn't mean they had a right or that I am inherently un-loveable. Finding out the truth made me go back to harmful thoughts of, "Well, my parents didn't love me or show me love, so why would anyone else?" This is a harmful thought and I am getting rid of it. My childhood has shaped me, but it doesn't define me. Holding on to that thought causes self pity and anger. It also causes me to lash out and push my husband away because distance and separation is self protection. It also keeps me in the mindset of only accepting or recognizing love between my children and I. It alters my perceptions and makes me believe that I don't know what love is, or how to recognize it or how to give it. This thought enabled me to do many things harmful to myself (not physically) and caused me to isolate myself. This thought makes me feel like a freak.

How do I get rid of this thought of, "My parents didn't love me or show me love, so why would anyone else?"

1. Realize this is faulty thinking. My dad was a sick man. He probably loved me, but he was sick and twisted. His childhood was no bed of roses and he didn't know how to express love or trust people. His method of control over his life and sexuality was to hurt children. He is not excused, but he is dead and he is no longer hurting me or anyone else. He did apologize to me for his actions and failure to protect me from someone else in the house. So, sick and twisted, yes, he was. But damaged, yes he also was. I have compassion for the child that he was that no one protected, that believed no one loved him and everyone would desert him. My mother was also a sick person. She was depressed and an alcoholic. I don't know why, but she also believed no one loved her and everyone would desert her. She was cold and blamed me for my own abuse and molestation and for my brothers getting taken away. She looked like a person who was dead inside and I thought she was. But after her death, I got to know her through her letters and journalling. She was not dead inside. She was hurting, and dpressed and had faulty beliefs that she was not worth loving and that to keep anyone in her life, she had to just deal with their BS. She was desperate and lonely, and she didn't know how to accept what she wanted, which was love. So, she looked and acted like a person who was dead inside, but she wasn't. I do not excuse her for the abuse or failing to protect me from others. But, I have compassion for the grown woman who really did have so much to give, but sabotaged herself and hurt the people around her and she never saw it. After her death, I came to realize she did love me, but she was still a sick and twisted person.

2. Realize that one action does not pre-suppose another action. Whether my parents loved me or not, that has no bearing on a completely different person's ability to love me. Nor do my parents limitations mean that I am inherently un-loveable.

3. Realize that I have worth, just by being me and that my worth is not less or more based on someone else's perception of me.

That's all I can think of for now. I don't know everything, but I do know that I don't want to wind up anything remotely like my mother, desperately wanting love and a connection, but closing my eyes and shutting the door when those things are in front of me. Sometimes I still want to escape, because that would be easier in the short term, but long term it would be counter-productive.

There is no perfect man, there is no perfect marriage. And some really great guy could come along and be everything I ever wanted, but I already have someone like that. I have been married to him for 10 years and for almost a year now, he has been the man I always wanted even when I didn't know what I wanted.

I am making this decision now, but its been slowly coming. I am committing to making my marriage work. I am not going to fantasize about escape or moving to Australia or living on my own. I am going to live in the here and now. I can't guarantee perfection, but at least a direction is better than no direction. I hope and pray that my husband for the past year will stick around for the next 40 years or so. If he doesn't, then I am gone. But, as long as this new guy sticks around, he's everything I wanted, so I don't want to leave.

[JenMac]

Good luck to you on your deployment WONLM! I wish all the best for you!
What a thoughtful post you have just made! It really is a credit to you when you can look back at a difficult childhood as an adult and realize that those who hurt you were hurting themselves. We really do come to a point in our lives where we just have to accept the past for what it is and move on from there, hopefully having learned a lot in the process.
I am happy to hear that your H has become all that you want and need. There has to be something good to come out of this trauma, don't you think? It seems that since we have worked through this together, we have grown as a couple in many, many ways! I am glad you are feeling this too WONLM!
No, there is no perfect man, no perfect marriage but I know we are definately in a better place today than we were a year ago and for that I am thankful!
All the best to you WONLM! Wherever you go, take care of you!
Warmly,
Jenn

[rosie]

WONLM. WOW. Your journal post is very powerful. I remember getting to that point myself through dealing with the dysfunction and abuse within my own family. The point I realised that I am not defined by them - it set me free.

My husband has said he is afraid I will find someone else. Their insecurity is justified - and it comes from their KNOWN neglect all these years. So it's good that they feel it in a sense, I just hope that they actually do something about the neglect, instead of just being afraid that you will find someone else.

Good luck with your deployment. It sounds exciting, but I bet it's hard to be away for so long.

[Kathy]

WONLM - good luck with your new duty, and I pray that when you get back home, your "NLM" is still everything he has been for the past year to you...being the guy you've enjoyed being around with again.

All the best to you both...trust you'll be checking in on us now and then.

[rosie]

WONLM I just read through some parts of your journal - I find your clarity and insight incredibly interesting. I hope you don't mind, I posted something you wrote about what the PA says to the SO in the general area, because I think it is mind blowing.

If this is not okay I will remove.

Thanks so much for your insight WONLM. You are a smart woman!

[WifeOfNewLifeMan]

Thanks ladies for your thoughtful replies. It is nice to know that some of what I feel is felt by some of the other ladies here so I am not so alone. Of course, it would be nice if my insides were filled with sunshine and rainbows and you all felt some of that! It would be more pleasant. :D

Rosie, I don't mind that you posted some of my journal. I hope it helps someone to read it, because it helped me to write it.