One foot out the door

[WifeOfNewLifeMan]

Well, I have been riding the roller coaster up the hill the last few days. Its been nice being in a better mood.

What affects my mood in a negative way?

1. Reading TTF before bed- I come up with new questions, old questions, new doubts about old things. Its a mess. I also hate reading new people's posts. One more heart broken. I hate it. I also hate reading new heartbreak by old members. I feel anxiety before I open people's posts. Did a PA "slip" (hate that word- like there's no choice- oops! grr). Did a hopeful SO find her hopes destroyed again? Did one of the young singles relapse? I pray before I open posts. And sometimes I can be thankful because its all good news!

2. Arguing about other things- health, the kids, work. I see everything as related to P. I know its not, and its not fair, but any anger over anything brings me back to P anger.

3. Being happy for too long- Its so wierd, but when things are good for a few days or a week, then I start to get down. Will this last? Why are we happy now? Why wasn't he happy before? Life is still the same in general, and it was never enough before, so why is it enough now? If its enough now, why wasn't it before? And around and around until I get down again. This dance is no fun.

4. When my husband presses me about my feelings

So, I think the list above about covers it. So, how to counter it?

1. No TTF before bed.
2. Try to deal with current stressful moments in the present. Its normal to disagree and everything is not P related.
3. Um... don't think anymore? I don't know how to work this one.
4. I will talk when I want to talk. Don't push me.

Of the list above, 3 of 4 items involve not thinking. That's another thing that gets me down. Am I moving forward when I am happy, or am I just "not thinking" and not dealing? I don't trust my own feelings. I don't want the long term solution to be "just don't think about it".

I hope that by thinking about my mood spirals, I can get things under control a little bit. If one of the reasons to stay together is to provide a stable home for the kids, its not stable if I am moody and erupting every week or so. Our kids are not used to that, and they shouldn't have to get used to it.

In other news, I have been keeping up my running, yay! And we have plans this weekend, but I don't know what they are.

[debv]

Am I moving forward when I am happy, or am I just "not thinking" and not dealing? I don't trust my own feelings. I don't want the long term solution to be "just don't think about it".

EXACTLY! I tend to think the same things. First, that I don't trust my own feelings, or my own perceptions. I mean, I missed his PA for 14 years except that one incident, what else am I missing now? I can't be sure I'm seeing anything, let alone interpreting it correctly.

Second, I don't want to be happy only because I'm not thinking about it. I'm afraid that's what time is going to bring - less thinking about it, and more false happiness. Maybe the happiness isn't false, maybe a better word is superficial. I like that description better. Underneath it's still just as bad, but on the surface because I temporarily set the bad aside, then I can be happy.

[JenMac]

Hi WONLM!
You are so right about TTF bringing on feelings. I have found the same thing. Sometimes they can be feelings or thoughts that are quite positive and other times they can be thoughts that trigger insecurities for me too.
Sometimes I feel like I bury myself in TTF rather that bury myself in my own worries and conficting thoughts. But I do feel some connection with others and some satisfaction from posting to others as well.
I think that I worry about whether I am moving on or just pushing feelings down too. I have talked in my journal about that as well. The speaker we heard yesterday was not very good but she made good points in how we can try to put things into a place and move ahead without downplaying the event, without pushing away thoughts, feelings but by addressing them and putting them in their place. I told my H, I will still have to deal with the fallout from this whether we are together or not. It is really just a choice of whether I can forgive and move on. Easier said than done, I know!
Glad you are feeling on a high right now! Enjoy your weekend wherever you end up!
Jenn

[WifeOfNewLifeMan]

Thanks Jenn and Deb for your replies. I always appreciate what people post, even if I don't find time to reply right away.

BlueHubby said something interesting in his journal about good days:
"Though my wife will be quick to tell me that just because they seemed good doesn't mean they actually were."

Welcome to our world BlueHubby. SOs have many memories of "good days" that we now know either started or ended with P. That wonderful evening that I thought I had once upon a time, now I know that it ended with P or chatting instead of the intimacy I craved. Just because I thought it was a good day, doesn't mean it actually was. Apparently, what i thought were good days were actually mind numbingly boring to my husband and he only got through them by knowing I would go to sleep eventually and then the "good day" could really begin. Is my new perception of the past true or false? I have no idea, but that's what I think based on my newfound knoweldge. Its troubling. Anyway, I thought that BlueHubby's sadness over this "good day" conundrum was a very interesting parallel, or example of the ying and yang of PA and recovery for the PA vs. the SO.

But, good news for me, BlueHubby and all the people on this forum... good days can come again for real. We all just have to get into the right mindset.

I am away from home for the next 3 weeks. I left today, on my anniversary. My anniversary that went unmentioned by both my husband and myself. Considering how last anniversary went, I left it to my husband to make mention of our anniversary. I am sure he either forgot, or didn't mention it because he didn't want to upset me. Either way, it upsets me! If he didn't want to upset me... why would THIS be the thing he chooses not to do in order not to upset me? Ok... breathe... focus. Its not fair to get mad when we didn't even talk about it. Maybe he's upset that I didn't say anything and now we are both playing the wait game. This is so sad for a 40 yr old and a 36 yr old to be doing at this point in our lives.

I will try to stay off here, enjoy this beautiful island of Guam, and talk to my husband. I am sure this will be a magic combo to make the next 3 weeks enjoyable and make them go by fast! I hope everyone on TTF will have great success the next few weeks.

[WifeOfNewLifeMan]

just checking in to say that my husband didn't forget our anniversary. He hid a card in my suitcase, but I didn't unpack until nearly bed time. He was very sweet and now I feel bad for being mad. Next time... unpack first!

[maggie]

WoNLM,

Sweet. The card and the surprise of it all.

It's perfectly natural that you'd be a little mad that when you thought he either forgot your anniversary or just ignored it. Most females feel that way, even when they have not been so badly hurt.

[WifeOfNewLifeMan]

I am stuck on a tropical island for a few weeks in a hotel by the beach. I know... please pity me! I am here for work, so its not a vacation, but it is still nice.

Last night my co-workers asked if I wanted to play cards. I hesitated for a second because I hadn't checked TTF yet and if I played cards, it would be too late to go online after. But, I said yes to cards! I thought for a second about what kind of choice I am making if I decide to go be alone and read TTF which is a bummer at times, or go have fun with people and possibly win at Rummy. I made the right choice.

I think I am getting it now... I won't always make the right choice, but it was nice to spend time away from my brain and know that I made a healthy choice for me. After cards, I spoke to the hubby on the phone and then went to be. It was a good day.

I went running this evening and played dodge the tourist. Poor tourists, they didn't expect to see sweaty me as one of the sights when they went sightseeing on their vacation!

I hope all is well with everyone. I am off to do something else.

[Kathy]

Keep up with the running and I'll keep up with the cardio kickboxing this weekend!!

Stay well!

[Kathy]

you are right...I should/will not feel bad about doubting my 'h', I guess I just apologized in regards to my brief moment of insecure feelings...hopefully, you can understand what I'm trying to say there...(???). We are working together to keep moving forward and to rebuild the trust; which, we know will take time on my end. I guess I had a stumble...

Enjoy your run! Trust your weather is better than it is over here at the moment...rain, rain, and more rain!

[WifeOfNewLifeMan]

I read "The Shack" by William Paul Young. It has nothing to do with P, but everythng to do with sorrow, God, love, and forgiveness. I highly recommend this book. Be warned, there's a lot of Jesus in this book, but I have found that even a little Jesus never hurt anyone.

To Kathy... I understand where you were coming from. Been there, done that! :D