One foot out the door

[Pandora's Hope]

WoNLM,
I wasn't quite clear on one point of your last posting. Did you just CATCH your husband viewing P while you were on the other side of the room, or did you just LEARN that he was doing that when he was still in active addiction?

[WifeOfNewLifeMan]

Pandora,

I just learned that he was doing it while in active addiction. I guess I thought before that if he was doing it while I was away or out of the house, that was a certain kind of respect for me. I know that's twisted, but I wanted to find a way to make this more acceptable to me. But to know that he did it while I was sitting there in the same room, oblivious, day after day... its like a shot to the chest. I am having a really hard time. I wish I knew nothing. Then I could believe, and he could pretend, that we had a good marriage. It worked for this long. Ignorance really was bliss.

[maggie]

WONLM,

H was looking at porn with you sitting right there in the room ! You must feel sick to your stomach. I know this sounds weird, but when I saw what my H had been looking at, in the room next to me, I began to vomit ! My disgust toward him was overwhelming.

This time, you have decided to leave ? I support your decision and understand your reasoning. If you have already been thru this with your H, already been torn apart by the lies and deceit and were just beginning to rebuild trust, and then it started all over again.

The way our Western culture has been dramatically saturated in sexual images during the past few years is making pornography more and more acceptable. And women, instead of fighting this cultural decay, seem to be encouraging it by going to extraordinary means to enhance their sexual attractiveness... prosthetic breasts, lip fillers, push up bras etc. It is their right to do and to dress anyway they choose, but it really does send visual messages to the male species, which many men cannot handle.

I'm not excusing men's p/a behavior or blaming women for the proliferation of porn, but this new female tendency toward exhibitionism, isn't helping the situation.
It may just backfire on them and cause problems in their future relationships, similar to the problems we are all facing on this forum.

[WifeOfNewLifeMan]

Maggieliz-

Yes, I still feel sick to my stomach. I have lost 6 pounds in a month, and I don't have a lot of places to lose it from. I try to eat, but the non-stop image of him, sitting there, looking, while I was there... ugg... I can't eat.

As you said, our culture is very sexualized. Sex in advertising, on tv, online, even in my son' school. I think half the girls there dress like little hookers and no one cares. Women are encouraged to be less than satisfied with themselves and that the easy way to be attractive is to go get surgery. I think its sad that women have to try so hard to be attractive, but men are fat bald and lazy and its their right. I am amazed at how many tv shows show the unattractive guy with the hot girl. Its never the other way around. OK, this is way off topic, but it always bugs me!

[WifeOfNewLifeMan]

I am so sad. I wish I could just accept all this and get over it. I wish I never knew anything at all. I wish he never took that first step of betrayal and liked it so much. I can't wish this away.

[maggie]

Never thought of that before, but there are many shows where the wife is so cute and the husband is fat, lazy and bald.
Not that looks are the gold standard for a good marriage, but what is it that men are seeking. I'm going with a lazy, selfish attitude of how to get the biggest thrill with the smallest effort. PORN... bad breath, bo and a bad attitude, yet a smiling pixel that wants them!

[maggie]

Your words are exactly the thoughts in my head. " I wish he never took that first step of betrayal " I have thought that over and over. And I wonder why I didn't get involved and stop it sooner. It was almost 3 years of P/M.

We had been happy for 20 years. His cold and distant attitude the past 3 years was confusing to me, and I did ask him a few times if he was " into porn". He was letting himself go, getting fat and sloppy, not getting to work on time and going to bed at 8 pm, while I stayed up to watch the movie that we had rented together.

I should have known. I did accuse him of being " into porn " and he laughed at me and called me paranoid. Then, 3 years later, I look and find it on his computer.

[Pandora's Hope]

If you read the stories on this site, they're all pretty similar. This is an ADDICTION, which means by definition, it's predictable. Remember the purpose of this forum is to be supportive to the addicts as well as the SO's. Take time to think about what you're posting. It's purpose here is to help everyone, not just connect a couple of people to commisurate. Negativity feeds off itself. The addicts already feel enough shame, as do the SOs. We're all here because we want to move FORWARD.

IMHO, Scolding, shame, and suchlike don't belong here. The forum has helped a lot of people, and it works because people have been respectful of each other. You're talking to EVERYONE when you post on the forum, so be honest, but be respectful.

We SO's have all needed to rant at first-but those are conversations better held off line via private messages.

This is an important "sandbox." We need to all be nice to each other if we're going to play together in it.

[WifeOfNewLifeMan]

I appreciate everyone's inputs, but this is my journal.

I am working through things in my own way. It helps me to know that other people are going through the exact same thing that I am. It is not all positive, but it helps to know other people are feeling what I am feeling. I am one month into this journey, it is a long road.

I am back to to day 1 with no lies. This is the first day 1 of so many.

My husband finally told me last night that this is not something he does sometimes when I am out of town. It is something he does all the time, every week. I had such a hard time believing it was an addiction if he was only doing it a few times a year when I was out of town. If he controlled himself all the time, 320 days out of the year, then it wasn't an addiction. I couldn't deal with him, or with this like its an addiction if he was keeping the vital information that I needed to really believe its an addiction.

So, now I believe.

[Crisodian]

WoNLM,
I'm so sorry. My heart goes out to you. You're dealing with the pain of one of the things I still fear the most as an SO. When the "I've come clean about everything" admission, really wasn't "everything". It's so frustrating to continue to discover more ...and more... and more...

On the positive side, you now have a clear picture of what really was going on. I can only imagine, aside from the rage and hurt, that it is justification in your mind that there "had" to be more to the whole picture.

I hope you find a way to move forward and there are not more "day 1"s.

~C~

P.S.
On a side note, I do understand what Pandora was trying to convey. IMO, I think sometimes we forget that this is a public forum and voicing our opinions, even if everyone around us agrees, may head down a path that shouldn't be shared publicly.

Without starting a battle, Pandora was just trying to send a reminder to everyone that there are many different cultures and individuals represented here in the forums, with many different beliefs. That being said, all of us need to "play nice in the public sandbox".

I've fallen into the same trap myself. I've gotten sucked into a conversation better left to PM.

I don't think she was trying to dissuade anyone from voicing their opinions and feelings in their own personal space (journal), even if those are negative. Although, it does get difficult not to let negativity feed negativity, and eventually suck everyone around into it. That, IMO, doens't help us heal.

Just my thoughts. We all need to heal our own way and find what works for us as individuals.