One foot out the door

[Life-lies-trust]

WNLM,
I totally understand your feelings. Question to think about after he interacts with the Monster outlaw does the PA increase. If so have him read the book "Toxic Parents" It is an eye opener.

HUGS and Chocolate to you.

[WifeOfNewLifeMan]

LLT-

The PA does not increase when he interacts with his mom, because he is P free now for going on 6+ months. I know its a coping mechanism for stress, but I find it creepy if someone deals with their mother issues with P and MB. No offense, this is just my opinion.

He doesn't even have a relationship with his mom, because they barely talk. When they do, its cordial, because he will never say anything about how he dislikes her selfishness because he's weak when it comes to her. So, he resents her, but he doesn't do anything to improve things.

This annoyance comes up once a year or 18 months whenever we have to go visit. I told him that maybe I would have a more positive outlook on her and understand the point of trying to keep this relationship going if he had more positives to say about her. I just have a hard time spending time and money to go see someone who doesn't care and who he doesn't seem to like.

I realize my last journal entry was nearly incoherent with rage. Its a bit embarassing to read. /:)

[Life-lies-trust]

LLT-

The PA does not increase when he interacts with his mom, because he is P free now for going on 6+ months. I know its a coping mechanism for stress, but I find it creepy if someone deals with their mother issues with P and MB. No offense, this is just my opinion.

Thank you for this post it brought up a question that I asked DG. He is now seeing that his mother abused him with touches when she was upset with his father. This will help him deal with this issue and all the parts to it.

I realize my last journal entry was nearly incoherent with rage. Its a bit embarassing to read. /:)

It is your journal rant all you want and I have done the incoherent rage also. HUGS to you.

[WifeOfNewLifeMan]

I shouldn't stay up so late because then I start thinking and that's always bad.

I feel like I have been searching for something for the past 6 months. I think its peace, but I can't find it.

He says he liked the challenge of chatting to people in the local area because he wanted to see if people would talk to him. I don't see how going on a sx site, where people's sole interest is sx, and finding someone willing to talk to him is a challenge. If this happened in a grocery store or church, that would have been suprising. But a sx site, that's not a challenge. And you pay for it... even less of a challenge. It was easier and less expensive to have sx with me, but that was no challenge, and so it wasn't worth it.

I read in someone else's journal how he doesn't feel like just because he is a PA, it doesn't make the whole marriage a lie. Well, how do we know? So, sometimes you looked at P before you had sx with me, making me your unwitting sperm catcher. How do I know which times were just me, and which times were me plus P images? Or actually, just P images, and I was just a hole on 2 legs? And when you had eretile issues? Was it because you were tired or because of your BP medicine or was it because you already did it your self with some whore's voice in your ear? If you had a good day, was it because you looked at P? If you had a bad day, was it because the internet was down? When we went on vacation, did you have to "stock up" on images before hand and then recharge after? How much of our time together was about us and how much of it were you wanting me to leave the house?

You HAD to look at P and nothing, not your love, not your vows, promises, nothing was enough for you not to do it. So, to me, that means the only thing that made our lives together bearable was the fact that my husband could look at P. His actions said, nothing is important and I am willing to give it ALL up just so I can look at P. That's why I question whether anything in our marriage mattered. Not really... as long as you could live in la la land. Its amazing, the woman who wanted you, you could have done without. And all the women you wanted, if you were given free reign, you would have done nothing about because really... you are just weak and scared. And you know that in reality, its my love that makes you attractive. There is no way on earth that scores of women would come rushing to a middle aged overweight man with 2 kids. Sorry... its the truth.

So many people on here say they lie... I mean, don't tell the truth... about their P habits to their SO because they don't want to hurt them. So, every day when my husband disregarded my expressed feelings and just plain good moral code to MB to some woman on the chat site where he paid them to talk to them... he didn't want to hurt me? BS. He didn't care if he hurt me or not.

The PA lies because they don't want to give up their P. Period. And when they say they don't want to hurt their SO, they really mean, they don't want to see their SO hurting. If you see the damage you inflict... then you either have to quit, or face the fact that you truly are the a-hole who doesn't care and just wants what they want. So, no truth, continued lies and manipulation... not because you want to spare your SO pain, but because you don't want to SEE the pain. Seeing your SO's pain intrudes on your fantasy life.

Today I saw a man yell at his wife and disrepect her in public. I know my husband would look down on this man and if we talked about it he would tell me how he doesn't understand how people can treat people they love like that. But, his private disrepect of me... that's another story.

What's the difference between some construction guy or any guy who cat calls and makes suggestive comments at women when they walk by and my husband? The first guy is not a liar.

The time is getting close to my husband getting here. I don't know what I feel besides anxiety. He doesn't like to hear how I feel or don't feel in this case because then he wonders what's the point in being with me if I don't feel anything for him? Such a double standard. He thinks I should be all "bravo!" for the work he's done and forget that for 9+ years, he spent most of his time not caring about me.

Well, he is working hard, but like so many other SOs post here, its hard to pat someone on the back and cheer them on for not cheating on them today.

I miss my peace of mind. I wish I had what we used to have, but without lies. I think that's why I just can't go to bed and I am on TTF or FB or just random reading. I want answers, somewhere, anywhere. But there none. There will never be any. And I am stuck now and this is my marriage. I wish he was an open jerk like the guy at the store today. I would have known to stear clear.

I am a downer today. I think its too little sleep and my husband's impending arrival. Just typing it makes the anxiety worse. I just want it to all go away.

[maggie]

WoNLM

Sorry you are feeling so down and I can almost feel your anxiety.

I read in an old post of yours that you were waiting for him to arrive in Japan, since you feel better when you are together.

That startled me, because I actually feel worse after we have been together enjoying life. I feel as if he thinks he can walk right back in, put his feet up and enjoy having his dinner cooked and served, watch a movie and make vacation plans for July, after destroying our relationship/marriage/family life.

Now, I see my exact feelings in your words. You are filled with anxiety and fears and questioning everything again.

It's called the " porn paradox ". He is getting better, feeling better about himself and looking for praise for his accomplishment, which as you said is basically,
" praising someone for not cheating on you! "

And the whole excuse of " not wanting to hurt the SO ". I agree that is clearly BS. The reason they hide it and do it in secret is because they know it is wrong and they know if the SO finds out that she will be angry & hurt.... and he will have to give it up.
So, again basically, they don't care that it is hurting us, they are enjoying it and don't want us to find out because then their secret enjoyment will be derailed.

You mentioned the guy in the grocery store who was yelling at his wife, disrespecting her...in public. Our H's were disrespecting us in private. I agree. Does that make it any better ? They probably think so, but in reality, if a man disrespected me openly, it would be my decision whether to stay or walk away. Their private disrespect of us, prevented us from making the choice to protect ourselves from their hurtful behaviors.

I don't want to encourage your feelings of anxiety and anger, but I want to let you know that they are justified and realistic.

The porn industry sells a world of fantasy and unrealistic images and behaviors that corrupt the mind and breed addictive behaviors.

We, as its victims, are reacting realistically, in the real world. A real world where people are accountable for their choices and behaviors and can cause great pain and harm to others if they do not consider the consequences of their actions.

It is realistic to feel angry and sad as we try to heal the wounds this has inflicted on us and on our families.

We need to heal and if healing requires that we make truthful statements that sting the PA, or statements they don't like to hear, well, I say welcome to the REAL world. In the REAL people, if you want someone to smile at you, then you have to do things are good and helpful. In the REAL world people will not be smiling at you, if you are engaging in something wrong and deceitful.

[maggie]

cont..

and I agree ' we need answers ' but I too am wondering if there really are any answers to this.

I was beginning to think it was just me, who was going back and forth with reasoning, questions, anger, forgiveness and not finding any solid place of content. You mention ' searching for peace '

Will we ever find peace ? I hope we do. I hope we can.

It just seems so unfair, so illogical and such a silly, sick waste of precious time.

Why is it all so mind boggling ? Is this another goal of the porn industry, to not only suck in the minds of men to pay, watch and act out, but also, to suck in the minds of the SO's, preventing them from living a full, purposeful life, free from the images and thoughts of their dirty industry.

[Charly22]

The same feelings of anxiety because of his pending arrival, are the same feelings I have found myself experiencing each day on my drive home from work. It's like I am two different people sometimes. When I am in his presence, and we have done whatever it takes to not choke each other, then I relax, cause I know while he's next to me, or when I am home, he will not have the opportunity. Then off to work, and it starts all over again, I stew, I worry, I wonder, I cry, I read, and get myself all worked up, get home, and find peace in the fact that at least he is next to me and I don't have to worry and wonder.

But then there is the realization of how totally unhealthy that mentality is for me. I did not put myself there in that mentality, but none the less, there I am.

It always feels like such an "unsafe" thing to talk about, for fear of the next huge argument or blowout. If only they could reassure us at that time when we need it. If only they can understand that reassurance once is not enough....same way their urge will creep up on 'em no matter how hard they tell themselves in their minds they ain't gonna let it, we can get reassured and it will creep its ugly lil head back in on us, and if only they be strong enough to hold us, say they understand, apologize, and know that its gonna take time after time after of doing that before the least little bit of security can begin to grow.

One thing I have found is when my own "gremlins" creep in, tends to grow bigger than reality, and I think the worst. And how can they have a fighting chance if we are looking at them like monsters? Liars? Disrespectful? While their behavior is certainly all those things, those things are supposed to be in the past. Our perception is our reality. I hope you can find a way to see your husband for the weak human being that he is, in order for you allow youself to feel any love or kindness or tenderness he might offer you when he gets there. Now when you have evidence of his next f*ck up.......see him that way then, at that moment, let it out, he'll have to pay the consequence.

But in the meantime, WONLM, I'm here to bring you a hug. And share with you what I have experienced, by always seeing him as the bad guy, by doing that, I prevented myself the ability to receive what I was waiting for. But only you can decide if he is worthy of the cost of trying to change your perception of him.

[Life-lies-trust]

WNLM,
The mind just seems to love the "What IF" dialog inside our heads. I know there has to be some way to get past this but have not found it.

HUGS and Chocolate.

[Alika]

WONLM,

I had posted a lengthy reply to your entry, but ended up concluding:

Reading what I just wrote, I guess I have no business feeling so hopeless in someone else’s journal when they’re here looking for support. So, I will post it to my own journal instead.

- Alika

[WifeOfNewLifeMan]

Thanks to all of the ladies who responded to my last post. I was pretty down that day.

If there are PA cycles, I think there are definately SO recovery cycles. I feel much better most of the time, but some days are still bad. Luckily though the lows are not as low as they were. I just want the highs to be what they used to be, before all of this.

But, through all my doubts, worries, and insecurities, my husband is still standing firm. He has worries and feels similar anxiety for when we get back together here in Japan. But, he is continuing his P free path and his dedication to God and our family. He is the rock, even when I storm. I am thankful for that. On my good days, I realize that God can change people and He has helped my husband become a new man. I know it has clicked for my husband and I don't think he wants to go back to how he used to be.

I am not worried for his current or future actions. I believe he fully knows and understands that he can't live like that any more. He tells me over and over that he is a batter man now, and committed. He wants me to walk beside him, but even if I choose not to, he is still committed to my path. That, above all, comforts me immensely. But, I am still working on dealing with the hurt from learning how he was for the first 9 years of our marriage. I want to know that he really wants to be with me and invested in this marriage. Its hard to reconcile the fact that for the past 9 years, he was minimally invested and willing to throw it away, but now he is committed. That's what i have a hard time with. But, we have time to work on it.