MCP's Journal

[mcp]

Hi everyone. I am new here. Unfortunately, not new to the world of addiction, but pa is a new issue. My bf is a pa. It took over a year of sneaking and lying for him to finally admit to it. It's been a year of the old excuses and rationalizing. "All men do it", "men are more visual", was the first. Then it was, "You mean so much more to me than pictures". Really? Then get rid of them or get rid of me. That worked for a while. Then the old patterns returned that we all see. The distance, both physically and emotionally. The late nights. Then, the evidence. A printed page of movie titles and descriptions, a few magazines. In true co dependent fashion, I controlled by throwing out.

On Wednesday, I confronted. Using some alanon techniques that I had picked up along my way from past issues. I kept it unemotional, I didn't freak out, I spoke in monotone. When he started the old rationalizations of I am not an addict, I pulled out of my arsonal the one line I thought might cut through all the bs. I said, I know you are an addict, because YOU don't care what the p costs you. Financially, spritiually, professionally, family, and even if it costs you me. It doesn't matter the price, you will pay it. That my love is the true definition of an addict. No price is too great. (crickets chirping, blank stare)

Coming from an alcoholic family situation, I set out determined not to be involved with addictions, either for myself or my significant other. I was bamboozled by the PA. I am amazed at the similarities. Addiction is addiction, no matter the vice.

That said, as the 'injured party' in the matter, I have decided to rely on some old techniques. First, I am not going to submurge myself in his illness. I have my own set of issues to sort through. Second, I have to remember always that I can not control him. He will do what he chooses to do. I can only control me. If he chooses to be free from pa, great. If he doesn't, that is also his right. I just can't be involved. I don't like how it makes me feel about ME. The not good enough, not pretty enough, just not enough. Um, no. That is the lies that the P is putting forth. I may not look like the people in the P, but I don't behave as they do either. I am not a used up dish rag that has been for lack of another term, soiled by thousands. I am an intellegent, attractive woman, with a career and aspirations. I have more to offer the world than selling myself for other's enjoyment or ruination.

So, I am through with throwing out stuff. You are only as crazy as your secrets. So I am going to shed some light on to it. When I find it, I am going to put it on the kitchen counter, for all to see. Or, on the desk or where ever. If his mom sees it when she pops over, fair enough. Or the neighbors, or a client of his. You get the picture. No kids here, so what the heck? He will never know when or where his addiction will be revealed. Why should I be the only one nervous?

On Thursday morning, I guess he decided that I am a tad more versed in addictions then he. He called me at work, told me that HE called a councelor, talked of the issues with them. Took an on line test, am I addicted to P? He found a therapist that specializes in couples counceling and SX issues. His first appointment is Monday. I am taking a zero tolorance stance. Because i need to be true to me. I have lived my first 40 years with someone elses crap weighing me down. I am not going to let the enemy in the camp. I am not going to put my eggs in the basket of an addict. Instead, I will invest my eggs in me.

Thanks for listening, or reading as it were. Nice to vent.

[Crisodian]

Welcome to TTF, mcp!

I am a SO married to a PA, and also a non-P addict who has been in recovery a long time. As a SO, we all go through so much and share so many similarities in our stories. It sounds like your BF is starting to accepted his responsibility for his PA. That's a great first step.

Thank you for sharing your story.

This is a great place for both you and your BF to get support, if you choose to come here together.

Find a path to peace,
~C~

[mcp]

Another arguement last night. He's making me clarify what I expect from him. Really trying to rationalize the P use. I know that is the addiction talking. He still is saying that he is going to really put all he can into therapy. He then went on to say that I have some not nice traits as well. duh. Who doesn't? Deflecting the attention from him to me. He said that I am attempting to make him into a dirty old man in a raincoat. Um, well, if the coat fits, wear it! To be fair, I wrote him an email that was a list of all the things I do love about him, with no negative comments. It was a long list. Maybe 50 things listed. And, I meant every word. Meanwhile, thinking, it don't mean a thing as long as P is in the picture. Its so all or nothing, black and white.

I honestly believe his poor mood was a tad of 'withdraw', the losing control of being out of control. I guess my dose of reality was more than he could bear.

My question is how do you talk about disappointments and betrayal without wounding the PA's already wounded spirit? i need for him to understand the extend of the damage he has afflicted on us with the P. Yet, I really feel sorry for him and don't want to rub his face in it. He is just pulling things from the air to try to put it on me.

I am so interested to see what the therapist suggests. He is so hell bent that it's not an addiction. Just a stress relieving hobby. So of course I can't share this site with him yet. Cause i am making mountains out of mole hills, according to him. Then by the end of it all, he says, if its a problem for you, its a problem for me. That will have to do for now. I asked him if he had never met me, would he think the P was a problem. He did say yes. did he say yes to shut me up, afraid i will throw in the towel? The whole thing is sooo frustrating.

[Crisodian]

My question is how do you talk about disappointments and betrayal without wounding the PA's already wounded spirit? i need for him to understand the extend of the damage he has afflicted on us with the P. Yet, I really feel sorry for him and don't want to rub his face in it. He is just pulling things from the air to try to put it on me.

In my opinion, and to be blunt, you don't. You find a balance that works for you as a couple.

In the goal to achieve honest communication, I no longer spare my H's feelings if I need to discuss my emotional state. Of course, I don't intentionally smack him up side the head with his PA and my emotional instability.... but I don't walk on egg-shells any more either.

When we first started recovery I did. I kept a lot in, and tip-toed around him not wanting to damage him even more. But after a very short time of tormenting myself with "what if I say something that triggers him?" or " I know stress is a trigger, I don't want to stress him out or he will relapse", I just...stopped.

It came to a point where I needed him to hear it, honestly, bluntly and without reservation. One night, I just told him that outright.

So we set boundaries in our communication and are now allowed to express our feelings honestly, openly and completely without feeling as if we should spare the other partner, as long as we share them as our feelings and don't go on the attack.

Hope this helps?

~C~

[Athenon]

Hello and welcome to TTF.

It's been a year of the old excuses and rationalizing. "All men do it", "men are more visual", was the first. Then it was, "You mean so much more to me than pictures". .

I sure recognize these excuses. A few years ago I convinced my girlfriend of the time with the same excuses that my P watching was normal. It took me a long time in to see how far from healthy was my behavior.

I wish you good luck. :)

[lightseeker]

Hey MCP welcome to the site>:D<
sorry i dont have much to add, i am a single PA myself so dont understand as much as other SO's do, i just try to add a word or too from a PA's experience.

Just wanted to say that i agree with Athenon, like i said in a few of my posts, coming from my own experience it took me a long time - many years of porn before i realised i actually had a problem, i too always thought it was normal and just a natural way of stress relief, but slowly over the last couple of years it started to build up inside of me that it was getting out of control and i must stop, until one day after thinking to myself that i have become desensitized to the porn i used to feel was sick and would never look at, i was getting bored and i wondered where i would go next, i had to stop and i was scared of my future and who i was becoming, thank God i had some guidance and found this site. Anyways what i mean to say is that, your husband may honestly believe that he is not addicted to porn, he may know he has a problem to a degree but not realise to what extent. After joining this site and learning more about this problem and addiction itself i have learned so much and until you understand more about these things you are blind. We are fooled into thinking porn is fine - it never even crosses our minds that you can call it an addiction -'porn, in the same bag as drugs and alcohol? - i dont think so!' but the truth is that like you said addiction is addiction, and i am starting to feel that porn is one of the worsed of all addictions as it is so deceptive and so easy to access.
The fact that you are seeing it from and outside perspective and especially due to your experience and knowledge of addiction you can see the problem much clearer than your husband can. He needs to be educated and start to understand about porn and its effects. I hope you both can sit down and be open with each other soon. Get him on here as soon as you feel comfortable in doing so, anyways that is just my opinion, hope it will be of some benefit.

Take care

[mcp]

Athenon and Lightseeker, at what juncture did you realize, hey this is a problem? Was it initially because of the way it affected you, or your significant other? Interesting, either way.

I was thinking about some research that I may have to revisit regarding addiction. The age at which a person becomes addicted to something is an age at which they become stuck. Like a Peter Pan syndrome. I see it all so clearly now, yet had my head in the sand. The Bf's PA became an issue for me as soon as we lived together. It just put him underground, while lying to my face.

He asked me yesterday how did all of this make me feel. First, I asked him several times if he wanted to really know. I told him I didn't want to put him in the dirt, he was doing a good job of that by himself. But he said he needed to know. He kept saying, angry, rage? No, I had passed that. Now just... unbelievable hurt, betrayed, sad, ashamed. Sometimes I have actual physical pain in my chest. Just that he asked me what I felt is sort of movement. The coming out of himself, looking at others. From there, hopefully seeing what he does or doesn't do has a profound affect on others. The stone thrown in the pond does make ripples.

What is alarming to me is that I haven't cried. I always did before. Sobbing till i was hyperventalating and gagging. This time, none. Not one tear. What the heck does that mean?

Thank God I can vent here. Thanks for listening and responding. Much appreciated. M.

[Crisodian]

What is alarming to me is that I haven't cried. I always did before. Sobbing till i was hyperventalating and gagging. This time, none. Not one tear. What the heck does that mean?

Wow. I have an entry in my journal with almost those exact words. I cried. The first day. And once in a while since. But for the most part? There are no tears this time.

Like you, for me in the past it was complete emotional breakdown to the point of sobbing so hard I couldn't speak. Now? This time, nothing compared to before. That scared the crap out of me, too.

I rationalized it that my emotions were (are?) so much on overload I just couldn't "feel" anything. But I'm still not sure why I just can't cry over all this. I think in the back of my mind, I resigned myself that this was the final ultimatium and, if I had to make good on my threats, I would need the "strength", not the "emotion", to take over.

~C~

[lightseeker]

Hey MCP, i hope things will get easier for you soon.

Athenon and Lightseeker, at what juncture did you realize, hey this is a problem? Was it initially because of the way it affected you, or your significant other? Interesting, either way.

This is not a straight up simple answer for me, i think this will be a long post!

In my case it is to do with how it effected me:
I knew i wanted to stop for a while but i never put any effort into it, i always thought i could stop at any time. I have found myself and from reading that many others have found this too - it seems to be common that people are unaware of what is going on until it just reaches a major point and one day you just tell yourself enough is enough. I have so many reasons to want to stop and these kind of registered with me more and more over a gradual time period. My main reason that started the want to stop was for religious reasons, i recently turned to a religious path and believe that my masturbation and porn is sinful and that i cannot acheive what i want from my beleifs if i continue with this habbit, after my own experiences and from what i have read and seen about how MB and porn destroys peoples lives, i can totaly relate to why my faith tells me to stay away from it. While some may argue that Mb itself is harmless when not done to excess, that may be true in a sense, but for me i believe Masturbation to be one of the most addictive things, and with the advent of the internet, it is pretty much guarenteed to lead to porn hence opening up an easy path to a porn addiction aswell. So weather or not we see some masturbation to be normal and natural, i believe in my faith that God tells us to stay away from it for a very good reason - cut the road to greater evil at the beggining, if you dont start you cant get into trouble in a sense. Anyways i am not here to debate religion, but for me it makes sense and this is one of the reasons which led me to want to stop.
Religious reasons aside, i have lacked self esteem and confidence in myself for a long time, i have always been tired, get frustrated easily, depressed, cant concentrate and so on. Now after my own research into the effects of excessive masturbation itself, i can see that much of these symptons occur and are made worse by the over stimulation of the chemicals in the brain after orgasm. (this is another topic).
Another reason is that i want to please my wife when i get married, and how can i do that when i am hitting orgasm from complete unrealistic fantasies? how can i have a fulfilling sex life when i am climaxing to something which can never be? I am a loving and emotional person and i want that connection from my partner, there is not a better feeling than that loving emotional connection you get with your partner, and porn completely destroys that. So these are the main reasons why i want and am trying to stop this destructive habbit.

Lastly#:-s The actual turning point for me was when i was drawn to looking at porn which i never even dreamed of looking at, like i said you become desensetized to things and you want more harder material, so whats going to happen when you get bored of everything? this is what i started to tell myself and wondered where my future would lead, you really start to hate yourself from inside but your desire for porn is so strong you just disregard your negative feelings about it and carry on.

Anyhow hope this helps a bit- sorry for the long post!

[Athenon]

Athenon and Lightseeker, at what juncture did you realize, hey this is a problem? Was it initially because of the way it affected you, or your significant other?

I kinda always knew I would be prouder of myself if I could live without P. Somehow I always knew that this was something that didn't stand right with me, with who I am. I was convinced that it was normal and that all other men was doing it.

I guess I really realized I had a problem when I reached the point where it came clear to me I needed to be proud of myself and couldn't quit watching P. I thought the problem was elsewhere and tried many things but everything unfold and I started making real progress when I read a book on sexual addiction. From that point I started to see things more clearly. All my escapism seemed more apparent. I then looked for support and found TTF. Since joining TTF I've been clean.

Good luck :)