I'm starting to suspect it's not my fault

[heblamesme]

I never thought my life would be like this.

I can't believe I'm here and this is real, and my husband has this problem that has affected us so profoundly and he doesn't even think it's a problem.

I guess it all started about five years ago, when I was pregnant with our second child. I was a stay-at-home mom at the time and going to school. I was at work on our computer and before I could finish typing in a web address, a whole slew of filthy and disgusting sites presented themselves. I clicked on each one, sobbing. I couldn't believe my husband had been looking at this. When he came home, I saw him in a different way. I watched him walk around the house and go about his normal routine as if he hadn't just destroyed how I see myself. After putting our oldest to bed, I absolutely let him have it. I was a torrent, throwing his things into bag after bag and heaving them out the front door. I was fully committed to never having to sleep in the same bed with him again......until he began to explain how it was my fault. You see, I have a chronic illness and after having our first child, I went out of remission and was pretty close to dying for months. He wouldn't have sex with me because I was so sick, but he had so much anger for me because, "You didn't give me what I needed in that time." "Don't you understand? This is the only way I've been able to be faithful!" "Everyone does it! You're just a prude and don't know any better!" "You are really sheltered if you think this is a problem!" =((

I guess he's right. This is all my fault. I wish I hadn't gotten sick and caused him to struggle. I guess this is how marraige works, I'm so stupid to think otherwise. In the years that followed, we became more and more distant. Oh, sure we can have a normal conversation and laugh at our kids together, but something died that day. I sank into a very dark place, one that made me feel unloved, stupid, worthless. I put on almost 100 pounds in five years. I guess food was my husband. I would find porn sites in his history and get upset with him, but after a while I just stopped looking. What good did it do? I just became very upset every time I saw them and disgusted that he could look at such obscene and graphic images. He had promised to stop on more than one occassion, but to no avail. The truth is....I don't know how bad his problem is. I don't investigate anymore and therefore don't know how often he is MBing to the P. I do find his profile open very early in the morning now, so I know that he does it more often, but I'm just clueless as to how bad it really is. There were other things as well. I had learned not to go out in public or to gatherings with him. He would always make fun of me to friends or family. I would always cry myself to sleep. I noticed how every time we would get together with another family or friends and he would treat me this way, we would sort of lose those people as friends. I thought it was because I was so unlovable, but it turns out that I'm not the only one who doesn't like how he treats me.

Three days ago, he left P up, JUST COMPLETELY UP ON THE FRICKING COMPUTER!!! This time it was different. The first instinct that I had was, I want to hurt myself. I sat on the floor not realizing I was sobbing...I felt so electric and numb at the same time. How could I be here? WHY AREN'T I GOOD ENOUGH!!?? I have lost 85 pounds in the last six months in hopes that he would be attracted to me again. We have had sex one time in the last year and a half. The one time we did, it was, well, it didn't last long. I decided not to harm myself for three reasons...my three kids. His idea of taking care of them was obviously to banish them to another room of the house and MB to P. That would be no life for them. So what do I do? I've never spoken of this to anyone. I feel so alone. I don't want anyone to think badly of him, after all I chose him. That's when I found this site.

I wish I could get him to understand how big of a problem this is. If it weren't for our kids, I would have already been gone. I've tried to figure out if I love him anymore. The truth is, I've felt so badly about myself for so long and now I'm realizing that he's the reason. I'm angry...and scared....and embarrassed...and mostly sad. It sucks being a grown up. When I think about the converstaion I need, I must have with him, it makes my heart beat fast and my stomach feel sick. He is so irrational about this. But, I know that I deserve to be loved. I'm a good woman. I need a healthy sex life! I shouldn't be compared to those ridiculous images! I deserve more than this!

[Kaysa]

Oh My Gosh.

You sit here, have the mans kids, risk your LIFE for them - and then look.

Holy crap. I would have....UUGHGHH! I was literally screaming when I read your post. Oooo You have so much more patients then I think all the women on this forum combined if you were able to stay with him after that.

Your right, you deserve WAY better then this jerk! He left P up..what if the CHILDREN seen it..or worst, what if they already have?!

You need to leave this slime bag - Im sorry, but this is way beyond a problem, this is hurting your entire family, children and you included. Blaming you for this in THAT manner! Saying "Its the only way I could have been faithful to you." BLAH! Making fun of you to family and friends...

Good G-d he should be lucky as hell to have two lovely children, a honest and wonderful women. I say Leave his ungrateful butt. It just seems like he doesnt even care your married anymore - heck, he downright disrespects you! Find your power inside of you and you have to stand up to him, not just for yourself, but for your children! Who knows what else this man has been up to! I see red flags all around and its killing you!

Please please please consider leaving your marriage. Thats not something I say lightly (its something I never mention in fact, I dont believe in divorce) But he pushed it WAY over the lines of counseling and way over the lines of healing I think.

Find your power. Either confront him, and DO NOT RUN! You have tried that, and look where it got you. Its time for looking him in the eye and setting his butt right. Even if you have to pack your things at night and go to your parents house or a friends house till you can get yourself a lawyer and get the kids - do what you have to do. You need to get away from this negative environment pronto.

And if he lays a hand on you, you hit him with a pan. Im not even joking and you get the hell outta there. He has so much more then a P problem.

[StarPuppy]

Hello, I haven got anything much useful to say but i can't tell you that its not your problem, he just doesn't appreciate you for the things you have done for him.

Was he like that before the marriage?

Take care

[heblamesme]

We've been married for almost ten years and have three awesome kids. Our youngest is 5 months. He wasn't like this when we got married. I would know because we didn't have a computer at the time and the sex was....well it was great.

Kaysa- I don't know if I would call my response to all of this patience. I'm more contemplative. I'm so far into this relationship and have three kids depending on my every decision. If there is therapy that can help us, then I would prefer to try that first. To say that I do not consider divorce an alternative is an understatement. Noone in our family has EVER been through a divorce. I was raised in a good christian household and am raising my kids as such. However, my husband stopped going with us several years ago. (I guess the Lord's day is a great opportunity to look at P!) He has done such a fantastic job of brainwashing me to believe that this is how it has to be that I'm still trying to dig my way out of that. Please remember, I'm really early in this process of healing. I'm sure I'll get mad, but I don't think I can police his internet activity. I've got too many irons in the fire, too many people depending on me to be his mother.

I'm just so overwhelmed right now.

[heblamesme]

Aside from all of the horrible things my husband has done to our relationship, I feel sorry for him. Ughh! I know. I was researching this addiction and my husband totally fits this profile. He wasn't raised by a loving family like I was. He was shuffled from boy's home to boy's home and finally raised by fosters that abused him until he was 15 and emancipated because he broke the man's arm when he tried to harm him. It's funny. I never told my parents that when we got married. Maybe that's because I knew it would rear its ugly head eventually. A childhood of abuse is evidently a strong trigger for P addiction. (among other things) He seemed so well-adjusted to my young, inexperienced eyes.

I've always romanticized it like "God put me here to make his adult life better than his childhood." I'm thinking that's a big load of crap. Why should my adulthood be crappy because his childhood was terrible? My adult years have been plenty crappy because of this. This not being loved business is not for me! =((

He always knows when he's crossed the line. I haven't yelled at him about it, yet. He knows something is coming because he knows I saw the P. He's always so much more attentive to the kids when he's scared he might lose them. I've learned to enjoy the extra help. He's even taking care of me because I've got swine flu right now. I'm a nurse and took care of a bunch of it at the hospital. He NEVER takes care of me. But, now that I'm typing this all out, just getting it out, I see how this parallels the life of a physical abuser and abusee. The steps are the same, the abuse a little different. This makes the hairs stand up on the back of my neck. How could I have been so stupid? So docile about all of this?

I'm sick to my stomach.

[Crisodian]

My pain, hurt, and feelings of being overwhelmed are on the same level as yours right now. I wanted to share to support you and say you are not alone in this.

I'm still in the stage of discovering just how deep my SO's lying and deception about P truly is. I find new depths daily. We had our "line in the sand" discussion Monday night. And I'm still learning more, much to my overwhelming disappointment.

Our stories share similarities. I haven't posted mine yet because I am weak and afraid, ashamed, angry, etc. etc. The pain is too raw.

I've been married to my SO for 2 years now, together for 7, and we have 2 wonderful boys - 4yrs and our youngest is 19 months. Like you, as big as the temptation is to take the advice of walking out the door, I find myself saying the same as you ...

"I've got too many irons in the fire, too many people depending on me to be his mother."

I share that same frustration that there is so much out of our control because we do have to be the responsible adult in this situation... whether it is true or not, it certainly feels like our SO's aren't. I think that alone is one of the most hurtful aspects of this discovery process.

My SO also has me ... or had? ... believing this was a problem with me not him. I'm certain, after this latest go round, this is not about me. And yet I find it so hard not to look inward and find the faults, blame myself, and "why" this situation to death.

Good luck. I hope you find a path to peace. I'm still searching for mine.

~C~

[Kaysa]

Yes, but P addiction and insulting/disrespect is another thing.

There are 2 problems here, not just one.

[Crisodian]

I agree, addiction and disrespect/insults can be separate issues. But can't they in many ways go hand in hand? Addiction can lead to the to the disrespect and insults? Is it any less insulting or disrespectful if a SO belittles you in their "fantasy" world or in the real one? Online or off-line? Public or private? Even within the walls of your home, whether anyone is there but you to hear the insults or comments?

IMHO, no matter when or where, it's still hurtful, insulting, disrespectful, and belittling and, in some cases, may even be abusive. Add that together with the PA (or any other type of addiction), the possibility is there that it could be 2 pieces of the whole puzzle/problem, or a direct result of the addiction.

Either way, IMO, it's can be tied together.

Just my opinion.

~C~

[heblamesme]

Crisodian- I can't thank you enough for sharing what you're going through. I can't explain why I need someone to understand how I'm feeling....but I really needed it and you touched my heart. I am still ashamed of this and I haven't told anyone, not a soul, so it feels good to connect with someone and get some validation. I hate that you're feeling how I'm feeling right now, but I'm glad we found each other.

Kaysa- I actually think the disrespect follows a close parallel to his increasing problem. It was small at first, but I'm sure as he has fallen deeper into this problem, he has dehumanized how he sees women. I'm sure there is a lot of shame as well and sometimes the only way people can attempt to make themselves feel better is by putting down others. That's actually the way I know he's been looking at it. I'm a calm person by nature....I refuse to even scream at my kids, so it's very calm around here. I only need to give them a look and they know what is required of them. The same goes with my husband. We've been married long enough to be able to convey a lot in one look. We can have an entire conversation without words. Even though I have yet to draw my line in the sand, he knows what is expected of him. I'm sure I do feel some anger, I know I do, I just vocalize it differently.

[heblamesme]

So I am still sick (flu) and haven't had the energy to have a conversation with him yet. Honestly, I'm bracing for the worst, that he would just up and R-U-N-N-O-F-T. I've been getting my things in order just in case. I'm unwilling to allow my mouth write a check my butt can't cash. I've had an emergency savings account since our wedding day that he doesn't know about. (Started by my mom, how optomistic.) Just making sure all of that is in order, separating out credit stuff, important documents, you know, the usual depressing stuff. I'm not going to be caught unprepared and providing for three kids.

Maybe all of this uberpreparedness is just a ruse and I'm stalling out. The conversation will however be a formality. He knows. He's afraid. He's been holding the kids tight and putting them to bed at night. When I found this site, I "shared" it with him email account. He hasn't so much as set FOOT in the computer room. I've been home the whole time, I would know. AND, he's gone to bed every night WITH me. We stopped doing that a few years back. I've thought through all of this, looking up the standard visitation schedule in our state, that's usually what keeps me here with him. The idea of being away from my kids for all that TIME! Consider my options explored. His job hasn't been very stable lately but that is never a problem with mine. I can work as much overtime as I want. I haven't wanted to work overtime since the baby came, though. I can't get enough of that sweet baby boy! But, I have decided that I could potentially give him custody every weekend while I work weekend nights and I could be home with them all during the week. The night and weekend shift differentials totally make up for his income, and then some. Thanks mom for INSISTING I get my degree. I have options....it could be so much worse....I could feel even more trapped. OK, so that's what I'll do today. I'll choose to feel thankful for my job and ability to provide for my family. If it gets me through another day, it's worth it.

I'm so sad.......