Where is my mind?

[HeavyHeart]

Hi everyone. Well I suppose I should get out my story coz I can't make sense of what's going on.

I've been with my boyfriend for almost 3 years. The subject of porn has cropped up time and time again but really got to the point I couldn't take it any more last week.

I found a lot of films and pictures on his computer. I would say an excessive amount but I didn't say anything. Then on Friday night he was downloading stuff. He got up at 6am to check it was done and sort himself out before work and the thing that got to me was that he'd been looking it up when me and our little girl were in the room.

I kept quiet til Sunday night when I told him I knew about it all and I can't live with it anymore. He's been looking at porn all the time and we have had sex maybe twice in a month.

When I confronted him he admitted it was a problem and he's been like it since he was 13 (he's 22 now). He deleted everything and promised never to download anything again. I said I'm not an idiot I know you don't need to download it to get it and he said I can't expect for him to never look at it again.

I don't know what to think. Is he an addict or is it just a thing men in their early 20's do? I don't know how to talk to him about it. He said he'll stop with my help but he has no intention of stopping altogether by the sounds of it. Is now and again ok? I hate going out and leaving him at home coz its just constantly in my head that he's doing something even though he's promised he won't. What do I do??? I'm really confused :(

I am trying to work out if I'm the problem. He insists that it's not me and he is attracted to me and everything. I'm 8 months pregnant at the moment but this has been a problem in our relationship from day 1. It's not as if I don't want to have sex either. If anything I have a very high sex drive but he never seemed bothered about sex. On Sunday night he said himself that part of it is him being selfish because he can easily sort himself out watching Porn for a bit rather than having full sex. I don't know if I expect too much.

Maybe there are deeper issues in our relationship. We can't afford counselling or anything so we need to sort it ourselves but I don't know how.

The problem at the moment is my paranoia I think. I really don't think he's looked at anything since we spoke on sunday but I'm very aware that you don't need computers or TV for porn with the mobile phone stuff you can do these days. I hate going out and leaving him alone in the house coz I think as soon as I'm out of the door he'll have it on.

He was very upset and sorry because I know he hates upsetting me but like I said to him it's not the first time it's been an issue it just seems he doesn't take it on board.

I don't know if he's got an addiction or is he just being 22? Am I the problem? Is now and again ok? If I make him stop completely I'm worried he'll just get sneaky about it and then it starts all over again. I'm feeling so confused. I don't know what to do.

Sorry for going on so much. I just have no way of making sense of this at the moment.

[Kaysa]

First off, let me say hi.

Now, No, its not something 20(s) year old men do. (Not something Im going to tolerate neither!) Its not acceptable at any mans age and guess what? It could continue on till the day he dies. Dont blame the mans age, blame the fact he is weak.

You did the right thing about confronting him, but now you have choices on what to do. I say cut it off at the root. Its time for him to be a man now and not a teenager. He is a father and needs to start acting accordingly. Take away the computer, and figure out whats important and whats not important. Install Net-Nanny onto the computer if you refuse to get rid of it - and dont take it easy on him.

Im sorry your dealing with this, but you have to stop blaming yourself, its not your fault. He is the problem, not you. Think of "P" as alcohol. Do you want an alcoholic to have access to alcohol in your house?

You gotta get rid of it and start having more family time. Does he work?

[HeavyHeart]

Hello x Thanks so much for replying.

He does work. He works a lot and works 10 hour shifts. When I spoke to him on sunday he said some of the reason he did it is because he was so tired from work but that doesn't stop him going to training twice a week.

I am reluctant to put any controls on the computer because of what I went through with my ex. He was very controlling and used to go through my stuff all the time. Because of this I feel bad about checking up on him but it got to the point where it wasn't even like I was checking up it was just there.

This hit home with me.

"Think of "P" as alcohol. Do you want an alcoholic to have access to alcohol in your house?"

When I told him on Sunday I don't want him looking at it any more he said I can't expect for him to never look at it again. I said if it is a problem which he admitted himself it is then he can't. A recovering alcoholic doesn't have a drink now and then. This is the reason I'm still so paranoid and I hate going out when he's here alone.

We do spend time as a family. I know when he was looking at it. If I was out of the house, in the shower or taking my daughter to bed. Also he'd look at it before work when he was working early.

[Pandora's Hope]

Hi, Heavyheart.
Kaysa's right- it's NOT you, and it's not acceptable at any age. It's immature, selfish behavior at best and a full blown addiction at worst. You have every right to insist upon a porn-free relationship and a porn free life.
You're in the right place. THere's a lot of hope, help, and support here. If you feel you need counseling, too, you might be able to find a non-profit counseling center with a sliding fee scale in your town, too- or even a womens shelter- they might have counseling for free.

Hang in there, congrats on the baby! and keep coming here. We'll help you stay sane while you figure this thing out.

hugs!

[HeavyHeart]

Thank you so much.

I've already found this site really helpful. As you'll already know it's a very lonely feeling at first and just being on here makes me feel less isolated.

The problem I'm having at the moment is I don't know how to talk to him about it. There are things I want to talk about but at the same time I don't want to keep bringing it up because I don't want to make him feel bad or push him away. I feel very distant from him at the moment and it scares me.