My story

[SexlessWife]

I am so glad I found this forum.
A few days ago I finally realized that my husband has a PA.
We have been together for 3,5 years, and got married 3 month ago.

For the last probably 2 years we have had a pretty sexless marriage. Every so often I have brought this up as a problem,
and when I confronted him in the spring he said:
"I'm just gonna say it, okay?"
My heart jumped, thinking he would tell me he had fallen out of love, but instead he said:
"The attraction just isn't there anymore."
While this was pretty hurtful it was still a relief because I had expected worse.

I am a bit overweight and his words really made me motivated to lose weight and I lost 12 pounds.
A few month later we got married. At that point I did not realize HE had a problem, but I was certain I was the problem. So I figured if I would
just lose some weight everything would be fine.

Our main issue has been that he likes to stay up late, 3 or 4 in the morning, and without realizing why this has been such a problem to me, it was.
Now I know better, my gut feeling was probably telling me something was going on, but I was in denial. I knew he was watching P, but not to which extent.
Most of our arguements would be me asking him to come to bed with me, instead of staying up, and then him calling me controlling.
I even tried to see a psychologist for my "controlling issues", still thinking our problems were because of me. Totally in denial.
He didn't want me to see a shrink, probably cause he figured the psychologist would see through it.

This past weekend we went to a tradeshow out of town, and I brought my laptop to be able to check the work Email. After I had my shower in the morning
it was my husbands turn, he undressed and he had a hard-on. I was of course wondering why, and looked at the history of my laptop. Porn. During the ten
minutes I was in the shower he had to browse porn. On my computer, while out of town.

The thing is he doesn't watch regular porn, but 3D fantasy porn. They are skinny, 3D models dressed in tiny sexy suits.
Lately he has been doing this daily, and jerking off instead of turning to me. If he had a much higher
sexdrive than me wouldn't mind him watching porn, but when I am at his disposal and he would rather help himself, of course it hurts!

A lot of people would probably say "walk away". But here is the problem: I am pregnant with our child. I love him more than anything, and I want this to work.
Having grown up with divorced parents I promised myself I would not do that to my children... But I am walking in my moms foot steps.
My dad cheated on her while she was pregnant with me, and in a way that is what my husband is doing too, even if it is not with a real person.

After finally realizing that he is addicted I confronted him with it on Monday when he came back from work. I asked him if he had considered
the possibility that he might be addicted to porn. At first he got angry asking where I got that from, but then he came around more or less
saying that maybe he does have a problem. He promised me he would stop watching, and he would watch it if we did it together.
I think he has been stayed for 4 days now, because he has not taken any chance to rush to the computer, and he has even been sleeping in an additional
20 minutes in the morning, instead of watching porn.

Mind you, I haven't left him alone... When he gets back from work today I am going to the bank, and when I get back I am going to ask him if he
can share his browser history with me.
I know he will probably call me controlling again, but this time I KNOW he has a problem, an addiction, and not me.

[SexlessWife]

I came back from the bank and he came down the stairs.
I asked him what he was doing upstairs, if he was watching porn.
He told me no. I looked him into the eyes and asked him twice, he still told me no.
I asked if he could show me a clean browser history and he then said that he HAD been to the site, but not to watch porn.
He kept saying he had gone on there to see if there were any updates so that we could watch together.
His zipper was halfway open, and he finally admitted that his intention was to take care off business, but he didn't have time to.

I told him not only did he lie to my face, his promise four days ago meant nothing. I told I was willing to work through his issue, but I am not willing to live with a porn addict.

He admits he has problems, but he is not willing to see a counselor unless it's a last resort or I force him to.
He deleted all his porn off his computer and said I am allowed to check his history whenever I want. But he managed to get some blame in on me, that he feels it's an invasion on his privacy.
I am however not going to take blame for this anymore.
If he chooses porn before me and our unborn baby, so be it.

I am willing to help him through this, but it will be hard when he will go to any extent to lie to me. How can I trust him?
An addict will do anything to get his fix, and he will find ways around it.

[SexlessWife]

I feel paranoid. I think about this 24/7, several times an hour.

I am worried he is doing this for me, and not because he wants to quit, and it won't work out that way.

At the end of October I am going on a two week trip to visit family, leaving him alone here. Even if he stays semi-clean until then, he probably will fall right back into it once I am gone.
What is a good way for him to cope with it?

Is cold turkey the only way to go, or could I tell him it is okay for him to maybe watch a couple of times a week while I am gone?
I would ask him to watch some real porn, rather than this fantasy 3D modeling that he is doing. I hate being compared to them.

[Pandora's Hope]

This stage sucks. Plain and simple. I went through it for a long time with my husband- the lies, the untrustworthiness, the self-doubt, the self-flagellation....

I hate this addiction. It's so destructive to both the addict and his or her spouse.

I wish I had answers for you- I'm too new at recovery myself to have them. BUt I can tell you that you've come to the right place.

Make a cup of tea, sit down, read the posts- and know you're not alone!

Good luck- big hugs!

[Kaysa]

Would you give alcohol to a alcoholic?

Would you give drugs to a drug addict?

Sorry, its all or nothing, no porn never again for the rest of your relationship. Non at all.

He has to stop cold turkey, and he has to stop now. He needs to realize you have a child on its way and its time for him to be a MAN and be there for you!

How far along are you?

Were in the same boat, Im pregnant to.

Force him to go to counseling, or you have to leave him. Child-support and all. Its not good for you, its not good for your child, and like anything else, this is just a gateway for worst things. Sure it starts with P, but what next? He has to stop, and you have to really get onto him about it.

Next, what is he talking about "invading his privacy"? Your married! PFFF privacy died the second he said "I do"! There should be nothing to hide anyways! Your his wife and he should respect your wishes to see his history and see what he has been up to!

I highly suggest you get a Net-nanny. Its a program that blocks him from seeing those sites, you set a password and ta-da.

Attack this PA fast and without mercy - but remember, you can only do so much, he has to do the rest. And if he refuses, I say pack your bag and get outta dodge. We all deserve respect from our men and the least they can do is try to beat this thing...if no effort is going into it, then pff. Shows them how much they care.

As for your question, whats the best way to cope - we all have different ways. I took the internet modem to work with me every-day for about a week, Some people just try to forget about it, others will say "Oh I just have to trust him." Really, there is no one answer or a right and a wrong. You can do whats relaxing to you, paint, write, journal. Or you can literally break the computer. Just whatever will bring you peace of mind will work fine.

By the way, no you cant trust him.He will lie to you, delete the history and pretend he is clean. The only way you can be sure is if you take the internet with you, or you can bet he will watch it while your gone.

[SexlessWife]

Thanks for your reply Kaysa. Not very positive, but I know you are just telling me truth.

We just entered our 2nd trimester, so 1/3 of the way through.
He is very excited about being a daddy.

I told him I would give him one chance to do it on his own, if not we're going to therapy.
He has been clean since Friday now. I think when I talked to him the previous Monday he didn't realize quite how serious it was.
But on Friday I made it clear that I am not willing to live with a PA.

[Kaysa]

Thats good! I honestly think its good for us to stick up for ourselves, and Im proud you talked to him. Its good that he is listening to you and starting to realize what he has to do to keep you. (thats the hardest part is getting them to understand).


Wow, lucky! You dont have that much further left! Do you know if you are having a boy or a girl? It must be such a exciting time for you!

Hope things keep well and on track.

[SexlessWife]

Ugh. I feel sick to my stomach.
Tomorrow I have to go on a business trip leaving DH home alone for quite a few hours before he goes to work in the afternoon.
I have such a hard time trusting him, and this will be the first time he will be home alone in a week. Since we had our big talk last Friday.
He has been clean since, but probably just cause I have been home.

I am worried sick. :((

[Kaysa]

You can control him just as much as you can control the weather. But at least you will know if he is being sincere or just putting on a fake face for you till you go.

Remind him that you love him and you expect him to show it back in the form of not watching P. Explain to him one last time before you go how it hurts and that trust has to be earned - not expected.

Stay strong and dont forget - his actions are of his own choosing. You can only share with him how the actions impact you.

[SexlessWife]

I couldn't do it. I decided to go Monday instead, while he is at work.
Now I feel guilty for not trusting him. But I shouldn't.
Last Friday I left him home alone for 10 minutes to go to the bank, and he was watching P. Bleh...
I just feel like giving up.