Pandora's journal

[Pandora's Hope]

It's been one heluva week here. I *think* we're finally starting to move in the right direction- but there have been huge blowouts here with much screaming and shouting and nastiness being hurled back and forth since I caught him with the p three weeks ago...

I think we;re doing the "two steps forward, one step back" dance. My husband and I are both so raw right now, and to date our therapist doesn't seem to quite grasp the severity of the situation. WHich makes me wonder if he's being completely, glaringly honest with her, and telling her in graphic detail not only that he was using but just what kinds of sites he was going to- or if he's letting her think he was just looking at relatively tame girliepics.

As seems to be fairly common, my hubby's p of choice became more graphic, shocking, and perverse as the addiction progressed. The sites I checked frankly made my skin crawl. To think this man whom I loved and respected was getting his kicks looking at the unnatural, creepy stuff he was looking at.... sigh. What kind of a Mr Hyde lives in there, anyway?

Today I called in to work and sat in my bathrobe until 3:00PM. I wish I had a dollar for every tear I've shed in the past three weeks. Wow. I'm a mess. I know I've got to start to move forward- but I'm really scared to trust him again.

Having work be really miserable on top of it this week was the last straw. I'm emotionally drained and I don't have the resiliency that I need to deal with work- but we sure can't afford to have me quit. I wish there was some way to get pulled out for a month of sick leave- just so I could get a break. I need one right now. But it's not an option.

On the good side, he's at 22 days sober today. BIG YAY there, but not long enough to repair trust. How long does that take, exactly?

I just keep telling myself: Keep moving forward. Can't change the past, just the future. One day at a time. Sometimes I can only handle one hour at a time, but I guess that's okay. As long as I'm doing the best I can, for the sake of my sanity, I have to be okay with it.

Sometimes it's a really scary, lonely road to travel, though, isn't it?

[little_wife]

hi pandora,
big hugs to you.... I just wanted to let you know that you're going through the roughest patch now (in my opinion)
I found staying busy was the key. So not being able to take a lot of vacation right now might help keep you balance, otherwise, it's easy to let the P and the problem with it become far too encompassing. So take the time while you are working to not worry about your husband's problem. And most of all, good luck too you, and stay strong.

[SexlessWife]

Aww, I know what you are going through.
I wish you the best of luck, and that you will feel better soon.
I am considering going to a therapist myself, even to my DH doesn't want to.

[Pandora's Hope]

Thanks, ladies, for the support- it's such a blessing to have some place to talk about this where no one will judge me or my husband.

Yesterday was much better- my husband pushed me to stay home from work and take a mental health day, and I'm glad he did! I really needed it. It's so not like me to wallow the way I did the day before. And my house is actually CLEAN!! :D

(Try to explain to a man how theraputic housecleaning can be- they just don't get it! LOL)

I'm trying to be patient with myself and be strong. Fortunately my husband is trying just as hard to understand my side of things as he wants me to understand his side.

I know we can do this. One day at a time, one moment at a time.

And this forum is such a blessing for us both- although he's on his third attempt to get registered, but he's on it reading every day in the meantime... (He keeps getting the registration denial glitch. He's going to write to the moderators today to try to get that fixed)

Not having to go through this alone is a gift. Thank you.

HUGS

[Pandora's Hope]

Today I had twinges of angries- although I didn't act on them... dh was on his computer transferring some files so we can dispose of the old computer that was used for P- and just seeing him working on a computer put some very nasty pictures into my head- I had to fight feeling hurt, angry, ashamed...inadequate... the whole gamut.

But I was able to keep it to myself and convince myself we can only move forward. So, Yay, me! :)

But does anyone else struggle with resentment of the unfairness of it all? How long does it take the self-pity to stop coming up and biting you?

I want to be strong, but sometimes I'm sick and tired of being strong. Does anyone else feel this way?

Tonight, though, I can at least know I won a tiny victory of my own. I didn't act on the crappy feelings, and they did, after a bit, go away.

[SexlessWife]

Ugh, I know what you're saying.
DH stayed up late last night, and I was so worried he was watching P. At 3AM I got up to see what he was up to, but no quickly closed browser windows, instead he was playing a computer game, and I felt very relieved.

[Pandora's Hope]

Letting go and accepting that this is an addiction, not a choice, and it doesn't reflect on me as a person, a woman, a wife, a sexual being... is REALLY hard. Sometimes I get it and I can stay in the here-and-now, but sometimes I can't, and I start to beat myself up horribly. I have a history of sexual abuse, and my husband is the only person I ever felt safe enough to have a healthy sexual relationship with- and then he started into the p addiction while I was at work and he was unemployed. And he's assured me he didn't have this problem with his ex wife, or with the girlfriends he had before he met me- which doesn't make me feel very good either. Besides, I don't even know if I believe him or if he's just embarassed about the problem and lying to himself and everyone else about the severity of it. I wish I could turn back the clock and see it coming before I had to deal with it. I'm right back to dissociating when we make love- it's really hard to not shut myself off when I'm with him. The image of him m in front of the p in front of his computer disgusts me. How do we get that picture out of our heads?

Keeping busy helps keep my focus where it belongs, for sure- but there's still that hurt, angry, and humiliated little girl inside that wants to just scream "IT ISN'T FAIR!!!! I DIDN'T DESERVE THIS!!!!"

[SexlessWife]

Does he read these forums or any other information?
I showed them to my husband, but he doesn't seem to wanna educate himself, which makes me feel he doesn't take this serious.

I know what you feel, and I have the same feeling. "Why me?" "Why did I end up with an addict?"
I could never even have imagined porn addiction existed. I had no clue. I was just thankful he doesn't do drugs or alcohol (well, a beer or two on the weekend)... But apparently there are other addictions.

[Pandora's Hope]

It took quite a while for him to start taking this seriously as a real problem, to be honest. I think he realized it was a problem but not how serious it was until I confronted him with sites he'd been on, and even went on them with him watching. THat was the day he really seemed to start to take recovery seriously. Content Barrier just paid for itself!

Yes, he goes on this forum, and is also in individual therapy. He's finally doing all the work necessary to free himself of addiction.

And I tell myself, too, that it could be worse.. but I don't really think it makes that much difference what the "drug" of choice is for an addict... they still act the same way when they need a fix.

I'm just trying to keep my why me's to this forum where I can get a little validation and then get a grip- they don't do any of us any good to wallow in.

Hang in there, wife- and take care of yourself. Try reading Melodie Beattie's codependent no more, or other books- she's terrific!

Best of luck :) >:D<

[little_wife]

Letting go and accepting that this is an addiction, not a choice, and it doesn't reflect on me as a person, a woman, a wife, a sexual being... is REALLY hard. Sometimes I get it and I can stay in the here-and-now, but sometimes I can't, and I start to beat myself up horribly. I have a history of sexual abuse, and my husband is the only person I ever felt safe enough to have a healthy sexual relationship with- and then he started into the p addiction while I was at work and he was unemployed. And he's assured me he didn't have this problem with his ex wife, or with the girlfriends he had before he met me- which doesn't make me feel very good either. Besides, I don't even know if I believe him or if he's just embarassed about the problem and lying to himself and everyone else about the severity of it. I wish I could turn back the clock and see it coming before I had to deal with it. I'm right back to dissociating when we make love- it's really hard to not shut myself off when I'm with him. The image of him m in front of the p in front of his computer disgusts me. How do we get that picture out of our heads?

Keeping busy helps keep my focus where it belongs, for sure- but there's still that hurt, angry, and humiliated little girl inside that wants to just scream "IT ISN'T FAIR!!!! I DIDN'T DESERVE THIS!!!!"

I know exactly how you feel. It totally does stink. Being a good wife did not seem to matter, nothing really did, he was going to do what he was going to do. It doesn't help to get mad and focus on it all the time, but the fact is, it's impossible to not ever get mad. And someone telling me I can't be angry when i'm hurt just makes me more furious. So yes, you definitely can express that anger here. It is unfair. But eventually, we all need to get better for ourselves. That's where I'm at now, but I still have a lot of problems. I hate to even leave the house when he's home alone and unoccupied. It's bad, I want to trust him, I just don't. BUT, I've finally come to the conclusion that at some points I just need to get on with it, and continue making my life, and having my hobbies.
Best of luck to you Pandora, it DOES stink, it IS unfair, and you did NOT deserve this.