Kaysa's Journal

[Kaysa]

~X( Between Baby
~X( Between Fiancee
~X(And between Work

Im going nuts. Crazy hours, my fiancees "P" viewing, and our child growing inside of me is taking me to a new level of worn out. Its 100%, 24 hours a day stomachache , never passing, never fading. Always tired, always feel sick and ughhh.

Men. They really really do not realize how easy they have it. I dont care if its wrong to say, to me, its the truth. They dont have to carry a child, give birth to it. They do not have expectations to be "pretty" and then be severely critiqued about it. They just have to get up and go.

*sigh* If it was that easy.

My fiancee I feel always had life handed to him. He never had to go out there and earn anything. He grew up in a nice rich family, one older brother, mother, father. Anything they needed - bam.

I grew up in a farm environment. Worked as a child on the farm, building, picking, washing and sowing. Poor family, everything was earned - nothing freely given, not even food.

He has a college education - I dont.

So why..or better yet, what drives him to P? /:) I dont get it. First, took it out on me. Well of course, Im not pretty enough, not sexy enough, not skinny enough, my boobs are not big enough...blah blah blah. But I treat him right...Never cheated on him, never will, never want to. Cook him good meals, make sure he is in order, and try my best to show him love. (of course, this was before I found out he was watching porn.) after that...eveything changed.

How I felt about him...that raw passion I had diminished into air. I didnt care about him because he...for those moments, didnt care about me. Only himself. He didnt care that it could have throw away our entire relationship, he didnt care if I walked in....the pain was just too much to bear. I felt like a weak and broken person. Everything I ever loved in my life shattered.

When you love someone so much, that you let them into your world - that you trust, care and just take care of there needs - you mend there wounds when there hurt, and you hug them when your sad....then they turn around and betray you...how can you act normal? When does forgiveness truly take place? How and when can you recover from such a earth-shattering blow?

It matters because I love - showed love - exposed the heart, and it was stabbed and taken for granted. Simple as that. Think we all know that feeling.

But what makes it sad is the cycle of not learning...of not stopping, of not gaining control. THATS what kills the worst. Why is it so hard not to turn on the computer - to just walk away? Why - when he is weak, call you and tell you how he feels? Why of all things - not stand up and go outside - for a swim, for a walk...anything. Instead, walks over to the computer, flips it on and ruins trust...the basic foundation for any relationship? Why?

- Kay

[Kaysa]

:(( Hate feeling so nauseous! BLAH! Wish there was something I could do to make it go away.

So, my fiancee is acting like everything is normal again. (as expected) only he is being nice to me (as expected). But dont worry, after a few weeks, Im sure he will be watching again. ~X(

Then I can hear him sing the same song again.

Throwing out the computer today while he is at work. Some might call it going to far, I call it insurance.

There were conditions to me staying - #1 being counseling. #2 being No computers.

I grew up just fine without a computer, so he can still live, breath, and exist without one just fine as well. Besides, all it does is take away from us time.

WELL its true and most people fail to realize it. When you were growing up, did you have a computer?

Just dont know what to do to get it through that thick skull of his that he cant keep doing this. He acts like he doesn't care anymore. (just on the day he got caught he cared of course). No Sir, no man will treat Miss Lacy like crap and get away with it.

-Kay

[Kaysa]

GURRRRRR That man better realize what Im going through really fast, because I swear if he watches anymore P, Im going to go pure crazy.

Cant stand it! They never learn! When you pull somthing hot out of the oven, you use a oven mit. Thats because you learned that if you touch it without a mit, your going to burn your hand.

So if you watch P and your wife/Girlfreind gets angery - are you going to turn right back around and watch it?! UGHHH!!!

Just the thought of him watching P one more time angers and also brings so much fear into me. What about the child?! What will we (me and the baby) do? Does he not care about the life Im carrying and the future he can very well be destorying?! BLAH!

Speaking of the baby, been tossing cookies again and have to go to work tonight. :/ want to quit so bad (it was planned) but have to stay out of fear of him and his P. If he keeps it up, have to leave him...cant stay with a man who only half-respects me. Im not 3 holes and 2 hands, Im a full human who has a right to full love.

Havent been eating good, so scared about the child. Im trying to hard to eat something, but all that comes to mind are those fake people that he watches. UGH! Need help but who do I turn to?! The same people who sent me to the nut house?! NO way!

I refuse to loose this child over him.

-Kay

[SoinLove]

Kay,
I wholeheartedly feel your pain. I invite you to look through my journal to see my journey through this heartbreaking addiction through 2 men, and see what it took to get me where I am today. I know just how hard this is, and how painful it is. I'm so sorry you are going through this, especially through pregnancy! I'm a mom of 3, so I know what it's like!

Now hopfully I can give you some constructive advice, if that is what you are looking for...

Have you ever heard of people who are addicted to crack or heroin that loose their family, jobs, homes just because of their addiction? It's not because they don't care, it's because the addiction is rulling their life. P and S addiction is very real, and very powerful. He loves you very much, or he wouldn't be with you. Is he admitting he has a problem? That's the first step. In my opinion, all men have this addiction, but very few actually admit it's a problem and work on changing it. If your fiance is one of the rare men that want to change that's a great thing! It's so hard on our men out there! They go to work, and co workers talk about women like they are just sex objects, and if the man actually doesn't go along with it he gets made fun of (I know this from first had experience with my bf). Every where they go there is temptation to look at p or other women. You go to a movie rental store and the movie covers are full of almost nude, provocative looking "women". They are all told that everyone does it, just don't tell your women. It really angers me to see what the world has turned into. But they CAN fight it. You need to know that you can't change him. He has to want to do it, for his family and for himself. This is not your fault. It doesn't matter who he's with, this would have happened. In my experience though (and this is the hardest part on us SO's) it won't help to hold it against him, or not treat him good anymore. If he's really changing, it'll be easiest to do if you are supportive of his change, and tell him you forgive him and still love him. It can get better. You just need to let go a little, and focus on you and that baby! I hope I've helped a little, and I again invite you to read through my journal and hopfully find some good advice there...

[Kaysa]

Well. I know yesterday he didnt look. (I took the modem to work with me and the computer battery).So Im 100% sure he didnt peek a look.

What? Its 100% sure fire way to make sure he wont look, take the internet with you. (Cant tech-savvy your way out of that one)

I see it as "who is more determined?" in a way. Since he isnt determined enough to not turn on the computer, Im determined enough for him to stop by taking the modem.

Still gotta get rid of his computer. Dont feel like lugging that thing to work with me everyday and its simpler to take my lap-top (since its only 2 lbs). Its one of those atom lab-tops that you can take anywhere. :) I love it allot, its great for writing story's!

Any-poop, working a 7- midnight shift (then they have me working 10am - 7pm) :/ BooOooo. Should quit. lol

My fiancee should be home shortly - then he can see the responses he got. (He is on this forum now) I read what he wrote and feel kinda bad. (because he said I am "understanding" but Im not.) lol. I dont understand any bit of it. Tried comparing it to an ED, but failed because its not the same. Its baffling. Does anyone else understand?

All this stuff about "moving on" and "forgiving" sounds nice, but its not connecting. How many times can you forgive someone? Comparing us to G-d is like comparing water and fire. Were not meant to be perfect, and we have a level of tolerance we refuse to go pass (its called back-bone). After someone has ran you over, when will you finally move out of the way?

Blah, thats a question thats so hard to answer. :( Stupid open ended questions.

Today, going to take the modem with me to work again and will keep doing so till he shows me it can stay at home. Also, Ill tell him to send me the Logs (that you can get from your ISP) showing all the web-sites visited for the month. (thats another good idea!). That way, No snooping needed (although Ill still do it), and plus he cant erase it.

Ugh, talking about erasing, I feel like a big dummy. I WAS THE ONE who told him about that! I told him about erasing history last time I was interrogating him about missing links. I dont know if he was playing dumb, or what. :( Im so stupid though, shouldnt have mentioned it anyways and should not have trusted him to not erase history. ( He told me he wouldnt because I shot back instantly after spilling the beans) .

Anyways, its good being more tech savvy then he is (when it comes to programs) because I can lock him out easy - however - he knows how to use google well (like its a shock) and can pretty much find out anything easy. :/

Oh well, will deal with each problem as it comes up...but ooo if I find out he has been on those cam things or creigs list...Its go time. Was looking on creigs list for anything on him, and just found something from along time ago he posted. Have not said anything yet about that, but I have a feeling he has done something else just besides P alone. Should I interrogate him about it? Or just let it rest in the back of my mind? I mean...once you use a site like CL, your bound to go back right? 0_O

Something else happened and I want to know what. But like all other things - will find out about it. Its just a matter of time.

-Kay

Also - about sex with the PA, do you still have it? I cant bring myself to have a sexual encounter with my fiancee anymore. All I can think about is "are you having sex with me, or that P you watched the other day?" Feel horrible and slimy when he gets close...do any of yall have that problem or had it? How long did it take before those feelings went away? How did you over-come those feelings/ thoughts?

Also, do you think dressing up just for yourself - not your man could help with self-confidence? Will admit, have in sitting in bed basicly greiveing for the past couple of days doing nothing but going to work and its not doing anything for the confidence, will power, or self-esteem. What are you some ways that you re-claimed that power?

Sorry for the questions, but they are good. lol

[SoinLove]

I can tell you're in negative mode right now, and I'm sorry. I know how hard that stage is... but I just wanted to share something with you to think about...

The internet is by no means the only way to get p. There are arcades on the side of the road that you can stop at, and for 25 cents you get a "fix". There are magazines. I found my bf looking at it on his ipod touch. Stopped somewhere to get wireless internet.... the list goes on and on. It's anywhere and everywhere. They could have magazines sitting in the bathroom where he works everyday. My ex husband got it on his cell phone, just searching images on yahoo. So taking his computer will not stop him. This is why you have to let it go or you will go crazy... you CAN'T control him. If he wants you to help by taking stuff away or putting blocks on stuff, then by all means support him in that, but playing mom will only push him away.

And on the forgivness note.... my last marriage failed because neither one of us could forgive each other. If you can't forgive him and always harbor that restentment toward him, the relationship won't work and maybe you should end it.

[Kaysa]

Well, he works at a school, so thats a P free zone (7th grade). As for his phone, its old school (not internet). And as for those arcades - never heard of them. I dont want him getting any idea's though.

Your right, I cant control him, but I can do what I can to save my relationship. And your also right, he can do other things to get P, but frankly - I rather haul this thing around and pretend he isnt going to do those things, then go crazy by having the internet working at my house.

Through this tough gal is a very fragile person - and this person is on the brink of falling through the cracks again. Im currently un-medicated (due to the pregnancy) and a diagnosed schizophrenic. It will not take much to break me and cant afford to be hurt again. I cant.

Leaving this relationship would mean letting go of allot. I know forgiveness takes time and energy, and willing to give quite a bit of time.

[little_wife]

Hi Kaysa,
I'm so sorry you're going through this. Being pregnant is such a vulnerable time. I don't think most men will ever really get this. I know with my husband, he took it as a time to chase as much and as hard as he could, and to fit as much porn into his life as humanly possible. And this was BEFORE the internet....porn was near as the closest movie rental place.

You said you were going to stay for 2 conditions, no computer and he had to get counseling. Did he sign up for some? Did he agree to getting rid of the computer? Doing this should help a great deal, and if he's really committed it'll be fine.

How long did it take to have a normal sex life you ask.....I don't know, I have no idea what a normal sex life is. My husband was/is a porn addict for the whole time I've known him (25 years) We had our last blowup in May. Our sex life slowly got better....we're spending more time together, talking more, and emotionally, I feel closer to him then i have in years. And in the last few weeks our sex life has been amazing. It's like the porn had to be flushed out of his system or something. He seems happier, he says he is, but i really will never know....but I have decided that I have to go on, and get back to making myself whole. You NEED to do this to retain your sanity. Get back to doing the things you enjoy, spend time with your friends. Do not let this become all encompassing. I tell you this, but I'm still trying to implement it myself. And yes, it does get better....especially if you let your mind relax sometimes without thinking about it. Your mind needs to rest. He will do what he's going to do, you just let him know how you feel, and that's the best you can do.
with much luck,
little_wife >:D<

[SoinLove]

well said little wife, and it sounds like this relationship means a lot to you kaysa, so if you both try your hardest, everything will be ok. Just worry about you and that baby right now. That's what's the most important : )

[Kaysa]

Thanks to both of you! And yeps, just quit my job (whew) That was rough but I did it!!! :D Now can focus on baby! :)

He hasnt looked up any counselors yet. He needs to do that by himself without me nagging.

Feeling better about trusting him (since Im not a stay at home - about- to - be - mom) lol - can tell he is starting to be more family oriented now. Cant wait till this is all done and in the past.