Comewhatmay's Journal

[Comewhatmay]

My alarm goes off. It's 5:30 a.m. The buzzing rings through my head. Is a "crying hangover" a real thing? The affects are much the same as a night of hard drinking: headache, stomachache, sore eyes, woozy, tired. I roll out of bed and get into the shower. I don't wash anything... I just sob and let my tears get lost in the water. I get out, rub the steam off the mirror. My face is swollen, red, splotchy. I look like I've aged 10 years in one week. My body glares back at me in the reflection... I hate it. I hate my hair, my figure, my height, my weight, my eye color. I hate things I used to love about myself. I get dressed and peek out the bedroom door. He is gone, no longer sleeping on the couch. Must've gone to work already. I'm glad. I don't want to look at him.

I go to work as well. I don't eat anything. I don't really accomplish anything. I avoid looking in mirrors even though there are many of them in my line of work. I smile at everyone. Can they tell my eyelids are swelled up ten sizes larger than normal? No. I don't let on that anything is wrong. Something comes to mind and I have to go to the restroom because I begin crying again. I wipe the mascara away and trudge on. I hate him.

I get off work. He's home. We fight and all I can think is how I don't want to be near him. So, I drive. I don't know where I'm going. I end up at the beach...quite the drive. I sit by the water and bawl. The images and conversations I found flow through my mind. I am Sherlock Holmes, and my findings have crushed me and made my life feel like a lie. I have asked all the questions, made all the demands. He wants to "fix" this. I wanted to smash his computer into 3 million pieces. Hundreds of women now feel wedged between us and our once happy relationship.

First find: 3 months ago. A sexual email exchange between him and an ex girlfriend. He claimed it was an isolated incident due to boredom. He is angry I looked on his computer but gives me his passwords because he has "nothing to hide".

Second find: Many sexual email exchanges between him and ex-flings/girlfriends (that happened so long ago I'm amazed they are still in contact) that span the length of our whole relationship. He cries and says he doesn't know what's wrong with him but deletes that account... Its Myspace. What is a grown man doing on Myspace anyways? I begin hating everything computer related. Including his job.

Third find: P. Lots of P. Women who look nothing like me. He gets mad I'm "snooping on his computer".

Forth find: E-mail exchanges between him and strangers he found online... exchanging pictures, videos, words, picture swaps of me and other men's wives, suggesting they meet places, cybersex...and so on. I threaten to leave. I mean it.

He promises to do anything to fix this. I don't know how he can. The things I have found are burned in my memory. I feel ugly. I feel deceived. I feel like our whole relationship was a fake... his double life has ruined all of our near-future plans. What do I do?

We install a "watch" on his computers. I'm the accountability partner. We buy books and workbooks. We talk and talk. I scream and cry. He makes promises I know he can't keep.

I wish I had stayed naive to it all in a lot of ways. I wish I had my old life back. I want to wake up, look over, see his face, and feel loved.

[pipster22]

i may be on the other side of the fence, but i can relate to so much of what you wrote here. self esteem & confidence are pretty much non existant at this point. porn is a sure killer. i can only imagine how you feel - being the SO - but it really hurts to hear your story. things will get better in time. be so thankful your husband is open to change and recovery. i can almost promise you he is hurting just as much as you are... even if he doens't show it.


-pippy

[1newday]

Hi,
I am right there with you. My boyfriend and I have broke up so now I have the heartbreak to go right along with the other things you describe. He refuses to get help, says its me and he does not have a problem, however i expect this is what caused him to loose his wife, his son of 14 has not seen him since he was 3, except for at his fathers funeral and the girlfriend before me. I only found this sight after this last breakup but I can now put the pieces together. Be carful every time he would get board he went to spending money like 300 on lottery tickets or football cards, i don't think it would make a difference what he bought, please if this relationship matters, go get professional help. I don't have that option now, but I am going for myself.

Take Care of Yourself

[SoinLove]

I am so sorry that you are going through this, and I know the pain. I don't know how many times I have said and thought that I wish I wouldn't have found it. I've said I want to be stupid and clueless. I've felt like I cause my own hell and just need to stop checking up on him. But the truth is we can't really be happy when this stuff is going on. Either he needs to change, or you need to move on. One thing I tell myself a lot right now is that I believe most men have this problem, but they deny it. They hide it from us. The fact that he's admitting he has a problem and wants to change is a great step! For one it means he loves you and cares for you. I know it doesn't feel like this right now, but if he didn't he wouldn't care if you left him. He wouldn't cry about it. Trust me, I'm in my second relationship with a PA, and my first one ended because he told me he didn't do anything wrong and I need to get over it. He lusts after other women... big deal. It's so much better to be with a man that's willing to change. If you have the time, please read through my journal. You'll see that your not alone in the pain, and maybe find some encouragement as well. I hope I've helped a little. Keep posting your feelings on here. It helps the healing process...=D>

[Comewhatmay]

Thank you for your support and advice. I know he does love and care for me by his actions and by the way he continually shows me what he is doing to change and to try to fix this. I know it will take time...but that's what is so hard about it. I can not imagine feeling this way for longer. Posting is already helping the healing process, as well as reading other SO's journals. I agree, I cannot stay if it remains a problem. I already see what it's done to me and I do respect myself enough to leave if it continues to be a problem for an extended period of time. Thank you for letting me read your journal as well... it's been so helpful!!

[Comewhatmay]

It's been 12 days since that very bad day when I found the email stash that put me over the edge and made me discuss his P addiction with him further.

So far, so good I guess... in some ways.

He wrote me a letter today, which was very helpful... I suggest recovering PA's write one for their SO. Realizing that he is also hurting, and seeing on paper that he loves me and wants to fix this for us was really what I needed. He explained how he was going to go about getting past his addiction, little ways he keeps himself "in check" (only doing what he needs to online for work and checking email and then getting off the computer and doing something productive or calling/texting me), and reasons why he knows our relationship is strong enough to get through this.

I think he is right. I think we can get through it, and we have been doing everything we can to be positive and do it together. He has been very doting and is doing everything he can to show me he is fixing this. When he comes home from work, I'm happy to see him- his face lights up when he sees me. He is trying so hard to make me happy to and win me over... his efforts matter to me.

Buttt... I'm still angry, sad, and worried. I still feel ugly, hurt, and lied to. The lies. Those are so hard to get past. I am jealous of every woman he looked at. I remember the details more than he even would. I feel it is all burned into my memory...everything I read and saw. Every email exchange. Every P site. I want to be enough for him...but I feel I should have been before. I know it's not my "fault" and that in his mind, it was separate to our relationship. But I see it as being a part of us. When will it stop being a gaping wound and just become a scar? When will I feel beautiful again, and when will I stop comparing myself to other women? When will I stop thinking of it when he goes in to give me a hug or kiss?

I am just glad I'm still here, in our home, fighting this out TOGETHER. I'm glad he's trying and I'm glad he realizes the impact his addiction had/has on me. So far, he is 12 days clean and I'm so proud of him. We are trying to bring the honesty back into our relationship, and he's on some eggshells right now and trying to win me back. I appreciate his efforts and I'm making an effort myself. But the pain DOES seep back in... more often than I'd like. It spoils beautiful days.. i hope someday it does not.

[SoinLove]

It's really mind over matter with this hun. I know exactly how you feel right now because I'm in the same boat. My bf has been clean for 6 weeks now, but there have been many lies surfacing within the 6 weeks. The lies are the hardest part of it all. It's the most damaging part for the relationships sake. It would be better if he would have told you about it instead of you catching him wouldn't it? That's how I feel about it anyway. Make sure he knows the importance of honesty with all this. And that only honesty can build the trust up at this point. It's a very hard path to follow. Us SO's have it so hard with the emotional aspect of it. For me what helps is constantly reminding myself that he has a problem. It's an addiction. It makes no difference who you are or what you look like. He'd do this to any girl he'd be with because the problem lies within him... NOT YOU. Force yourself to focus on the good stuff when the bad creeps in. If you keep dwelling on the past, you can never move forward. And worring about something that you can't control won't get you anywhere. Are you religious at all? I have some encouraging scriptures I could share with you as well...
But to answer your question....
The wounds will heal to scars, and the pain and insecurities will get better! You just have to set your mind to moving forward and letting go! I hope I've been able to help a little :)