blackswan: saying a holy yes

[blackswan]

"Our task is to say a holy yes to the real things of our life as they exist." Natalie Goldberg

The above is what I call a "gem," a little bit of treasure I have saved to a word doc on my desktop. I began adventuring for, and collecting, these gems to add a little sparkle to my spirit when its account bottomed out a year and a half ago, when I discovered my husband's porn and sex addictions.

I've found them in so many places.

I plan on sharing them here, along with our story. We've both received help (him for his addictions, me for codependency and self esteem issues) but I still need more... and I hope I can give some guidance along the way as well. We're no longer new comers to this topic, but alot of the public is, and I want our story known. This is a very real pain, and a very real problem. These addictions have become so common, and so acceptable- such an epidemic- as to have begun to change our very culture and values systems. This is not okay.

In a way I consider us a success story already. Almost two years have passed since d-day, and we're still holding it together, both as a couple and as individuals. We're actually buying a house together-our first- and closing in a matter of days. That is an enormous leap of acceptance and trust!

But in the past months, the home-buying talk and long work hours to save up cash have crowded out fun, intimacy, and growth. What location? What realtor? Give up this for that? Can we fix this? Can we change that? Did you call him? Should I confront her? Too much business! I miss us and I miss myself. I've seen the red flags in him and felt the re-emerging codependency in me, and it is SO time to get back to our regularly scheduled program! So before we fall completely back to old ways, here I am.

This journal and membership here is my concrete and holy "yes" to the real things in life as they exist.

[blackswan]

"Courage isn't the absence of fear, but rather the judgment that something else is more important"

I wanted to take stock of all that I've learned over the past year and a half before moving ahead.

I've learned that love doesn't mean the same thing to everyone, and whether I understand it or not, he loves me in his own way. Just as he can no longer understand why I love him after all this pain... but I do.

I've learned that I cannot force him to love me, and trying to control him, his addiction, his recovery, or his opinion of me (by buying him things, by spending more than I can afford or doing more, sexually or otherwise, than I am comfortable with) is a form of force. If he loves me, he loves me; and if not, it is not worth my suffering to bribe him into what looks like love but is actually dependency. I want and deserve better than that. So does he.

I've learned that addiction is addiction, and it has nothing to do with how I look or whether the porn stars were sexier, etc. Addiction is a faulty coping mechanism disguised as pleasure; those women aren't necessarily "better" than me in any way, just an escape from life.

I've learned that there are many flavors of beauty, and no one right way to do anything, including be sexy or be a good spouse. There are thousands of different types of flowers and butterflies and other beauties, and thousands of different types of trees adapted to different niches of the forest. No one is any more "right" or better than any other.

I've gone artsy; I can take my flaws and make them beautiful.
When I take my flaws and artfully accept them, that breeds confidence, which washes them out and might even inspire others.

I've learned I don't have much in life to fear anymore. I've suffered so much abuse as a child; I've survived on my own; I've lost everything in bankruptcy; I've lost loved ones; and now am surviving this addiction and the loss of all I thought was sacred and safe... Not only am I strong, but I have alot of experience to draw from that will enable me to handle most anything the future can bring. That means I no longer need to worry so much. Whatever happens will be more of a stumbling block than a disaster- and that's nothing to feel so anxious about.

I've learned the best way to care for my marriage is to be a role model and to care for myself, not to make excuses for, or control, him. If I deplete myself trying to give all to him in exchange for nothing, he can't replenish me, and we both crash.
It is okay to accept and love what isn't perfect. That goes for him, friends, myself.

I've learned that I've spent so much energy being hard on myself- trying to keep up appearances (that we're great financially, that our marriage is great, that I'm always happy, that Christmas is never a burden, that I adore my inlaws and everyone else too, etc) that I've worn myself thin trying to live up to it all, and that I've forced him to conform too. He is terrible with etiquette and respect and money and so many things that matter to me. But not only have I damaged myself by trying to be perfect, I've pushed my own values and ideals on him (as if they are absolutley better) instead of seeing what his values can offer our lives. I tried to make him a copy of myself, and i already hated my own imperfections, so I hated his even more. All our fights brought to the surface who he really is, and crumbled all of what I thought I needed, but now that all those facades are damaged beyond repair, I can see and appreciate both of us for who we are. He taught me that fun can be more important than the budget sometimes; that family and friends can go to hell if they think our house is a mess; that his happy-go-lucky ways unlock magic and fredom and creativity. BALANCE is what we needed. We can learn from, and respect, our opposing values if we try. Again, controlling him (his faults) is NOT loving him for who he really is or appreciating his own style of life-wisdom.

I can carry the weight of the world on my shoulders if I want to, and it's a great way to prove strength... but it's impossible to be light and spontaneous and have fun with that much bulk pushing you down.

It is okay to ask for help.

[little_wife]

thank you for such a positive, uplifting message.

[Charly22]

"I've learned the best way to care for my marriage is to be a role model and to care for myself, not to make excuses for, or control, him. If I deplete myself trying to give all to him in exchange for nothing, he can't replenish me, and we both crash.
It is okay to accept and love what isn't perfect."

This is a perfect description of what has taken me many years of anger, hurt, keeping myself down, its taken me quite some time to begin to believe in the things you say. But let me say this.....nothing is more true for the significant others to realize. But, the sad part is...it will take the suffering, the anger, the hurt, to bring you to a true place of peace.

I hear much wisdom in your words and thank you so much for sharing and summing up what I find so hard to put into words. God Bless you and your relationship!

[blackswan]

Gem: "God loved the birds and invented trees. Man loved the birds and invented cages." -unknown

A shout of thanks out to little_wife and Charly22 for your support. Though it may seem like I've got it all nailed by my "positive message," believe me, my life and my ego still love the lovin'! I make mistakes all the time where I "know better," but old unhealthy co-dep habits die hard. He and I still both cycle between addiction/codependency and health/intimacy quite often.

[Loving_FGL]

I really like your enthusiasm I hope it continues. I wish you the best on your continuing journey.