Middleaged & broken

[little_wife]

I've decided to start a journal here finally. I'm not really sure why, other then hopefully it'll help me deal with the anger that I feel is always in me now days. This is going to be rambling because I'm just going to write, and what comes out comes out.

After many years, and much hurt, I finally asked my husband of 24 years to stop his porn habit 3 months ago. As an 40-something year old woman, I did not want to finish my life out with a man who was still lusting after teenagers. These are the kind of men I never had any respect for, and the thought that this was to be my partner in old age, almost made me want to cry.

I've talked to him about it, and he has promised to stop, but he really doesn't believe it was a big deal. Even at our ages, it was still an every day thing for him. His becoming completely impotent with me didn't even phase him. He had just decided that meant he would probably finish out his life with just porn. Then again, when he was younger, it didn't bother him then either. Even then, I'd go years without ever seeing him really excited. Sometimes I think he really didn't care whether we had/have anything between us at all. He says he did, but this actions have always been much louder then his words.

At least in the last 10 years, he cared enough about me, that he no longer would insult me and compare me to the girls in the movies to my face anymore. Oddly enough, I'm an attractive woman that had other alternatives---probably most people would have considered me a lot more attractive then my husband, but yet, I've let him destroy my confidence, and self esteem. Why, I don't know. I sometimes wonder if I did something to deserve this, or are all men like this? Again I don't know.

At least he cared enough to get viagra this time. But yet, even this pisses me off. Why didn't he just quit the porn? Does he really think the porn didn't effect his performance? Or did it not matter? Did he think he could still be engaged with a woman as she aged while he still continued to be obsessed with watching "the girls"?

Ohhhh, i have so many questions, and yet can never talk to him. He thinks because it's been 3 months since my "blow up" that I should be over it. I'm not....there's still his porn file cabnet in the bedroom closet. He still has all his own computer equipment in the backroom of the house, he still has his passworded desktops, and linex, and huge hard drives, and he's planning to get more harddrives for more storage space, and and and! UGH, he doesn't understand that it's NOT going away for me. :(( And he doesn't think porn ruined anything between us.

I feel, and wonder if i'm ever going to be OK. Am I mentally broken? Is it possible to wake up in the middle of the night and not think about this, or think about it first thing in the morning? Or can I leave the house while he has time to himself, and know that when I come home and he'll still have the capacity to love me? Why do I hurt so bad? This was his problem, shouldn't he be the one in pain? =((

These are the questions i ask myself every day..... and yet, I must find a way out of this mess to hopefully live happily again some day.

[One day at a time]

Hey L.Wife,

Welcome to TTF! The toughest part for any wife is to get her husband to see he has a problem because most of them really think it's no big deal. You should ask him to read through some post of PA and their partners so he can see how big of a deal porn really is and how it affects so many lives in a destructive way.

By the way you were describing your relationship with your husband and how you let him make you feel unattractive and not good enough but you still stayed in the relationship you might want to consider going to the CODA website. CODA is an anonymous website for co dependent people. They even have a online test that you can take to see if you are codependent. I took it and to my surprise I could relate to allot of it.

Hope everything works out for you and your husband!


Sincerely,
One day at a time

[little_wife]

Thank you OneDayataTime!
I looked at that CODA website, and you were right. I had almost all of those characteristics. I'd never even thought about it. I guess I have these things to consider also, and may be able to apply some of their guidelines to my life. Right now I started counseling to help me start working through a lot of the anger.

[cmperry]

the anger is so hard to work through espescially since you are still going through his pa. Did anything change after your "blow up" 3 months ago?

[little_wife]

the anger is so hard to work through espescially since you are still going through his pa. Did anything change after your "blow up" 3 months ago?

That's a good question, cmperry, it helps remind me that "yes! Things have changed and have gotten better."

Sometimes, and in my case usually, we tend to focus more on what's the problem, rather then what's right with everything. After my blowup, my husband, I'll call him M, said he'd quit porn, and apologized for hurting me. We had several long conversations, and fights over the issue the first month. He tried to be understanding, but we'd had major issues with his use of pornography when we were younger. So I'd already built up a reserve of anger.

However, our sex life has improved immencely. Although he doesn't think porn is a problem, he knows how i feel and he is trying. So, yes, I have alot to be grateful for. I know M loves me very much.

[little_wife]

My story:

When we were young, M used porn as a wedge between us, something that was just for him. This started shortly after we’d been married a little over a year and had bought our first VCR. Before this point, I had what I thought was the most marvelous sex that was possible. I felt more content and happy then I had my whole life. M had always had an eye for the ladies, but I knew he loved me and I was giving him something the other women weren't.



But after the VCR came into our home, our sex life began to dwindle. An energy went out of it. M began insult me to the point, I'd stop wanting sex at all, and he'd turn totally towards his porn flicks. He stopped responding to me with affection....it's like the love went away. I'd never heard of porn addiction, never knew anybody who was like that, but I knew it didn't feel right. I was 21 years old, and seen a mostly sexless, affectionate-less future in front of me. I was extremely lonely, felt like I was single, but not even allowed to look for love. Now he wasn’t a total monster, he’d give me sex if I asked, and I still needed it, but we both knew it was just for me. This went on for years!

Two kids later and over 15 years ago—well before the internet age. I eventually left him. After lots of begging, we got back together and this time we used porn together. At the time, I guess my brain got used to thinking in certain patterns...."he only wants me to go away", "given the chance, he'll choose porn over me every time", "all men are jerks", etc.

When I went on antidepressants, the scripts in my head quieted down, and I was able to to find peace. For about 5 years, we'd had the best sex life together we'd had since the first year of our marriage until the porn came. There was affection and love.

But always, I felt it wasn't fair, why did society feel it was ok for men to do this to women? Why should they stare at other women during orgasm, and it was perfectly acceptable for men to pay other women to take off their clothes and sit on their laps, etc.? What was for women? This urge to get back at him was brewing in the back of my head.

I started going out with my friends without M. I decided it was my turn to have fun, and to get turned on. I reminded myself that other men did in fact, find me quite attractive. M went back to using porn on his own, and I didn't care, I was having too much fun---and he'd got fat. We became swingers. We'd do the strip clubs together. Sex together was staring at a tv set. According to hollywood, this should have been the penultimate in sexual satisfaction, but it was not.

I was unable to have sex with another person while he was around, although he seemed not to have this problem at all. He did start on viagra though at this time. Our sex life dwindled, and I realized that the most satisfying part of our escapades was when I was flirting with other men. It was the INTIMACY I craved! How could I have been so blind!?!? I stopped turning to other men. In the bedroom, I preferred the darkness to the TV, so we stopped watching porn together. Porn became his baby when i didn't want sex. This was around seven years ago.

AFter this time, we stopped going to strip clubs and swinging ( though I was always a terrible swinger because I wouldn't participate!) We had a regular, but very bland sex life. To deal with my sexuality, I basically shut it off. Even when guys flirted with me or whistled, I'd turn away. I stopped enjoying being a woman in bed with M or otherwise.

In many ways, our marriage grew stronger. We'd gone through a lot together. Even though he used porn alot, he didn't use it as an excuse to deny me affection. He no longer told me that no one would find me attractive. In many ways, we were the best of friends and partners.

However, I couldn’t totally turn off the hurt. I’d look in the mirror and see myself getting older. I was watching the last of my attractiveness going away. I could no longer, lie quietly in bed next to him while he took care of his needs, and we went back to the old patterns of me being in another room while he took care of HIS needs. His porn use increased. My sexual responses dried up. I no longer wanted to share with him. I kept walking in on him downloading porn. He seemed to spend a lot of time downloading porn, looking through porn, using porn. He never went on vacations with me, he always complained about not having time to do anything.

And three months ago, while he was on a business trip, it occurred to me, that I could no longer live this way. He got home, and I told him, that either things changed or I was finished. And this is where we are now.

[little_wife]

I had a hard time over the weekend containing my resentments. Saturday, I asked M if he’d like to swim. He said “yes, just after he played some online football with his brother.” I told him then, not to wait until it got too cold. He ended up messing around a couple of hours before he even got back to his computer to play football. By the time he finished a 2 hour game it was almost dark, and wind was blowing and it was way too cool to swim. I told him, I’d pass. He went and got his swimsuit on anyway, and swam for about 5 minutes before he gave up. I was already irked.

Then about 9:30, he tells me he’s going back to play some more online football. I try reading for a while, think I might be able to sit up until he’s finished. I can’t. I end up falling asleep before 11. 1:30ish he drags himself to bed, and I wake up. I start making myself angry. I wonder if they’ve been swapping porn, did he take the time to watch a few video clips before he came to bed, etc. There’s really no way for me to know, and I just feel mad. We don’t speak, but he tries to hug on me and I pull away.

I spend the next hour or so feeling pissy and angry and not sleeping. I feel inclined to move to the couch where I usually am able to regroup and fall back asleep. I don’t however, because then M gets upset when I do, because he feels I have too much hate to sleep beside him. So I stay where I am, and just shrink back whenever he tries any contact. Eventually, I fall asleep.

Sunday morning I wake up unrested, with a hangover mood from the night before. I wonder why I make us both miserable. It’s funny, I was so much nicer before I even asked him to stop with his porn. I can’t help but wonder why I even bothered.

When he wakes up, we don’t talk about it as usual. It’s been 3 months since we came to a head on this, so he feels we’ve talked about it enough. I wonder if I’ll ever be able to talk to him again. :( As the day wears on, things get more comfortable between us. We make love in the evening, laugh some, and some closeness is restored. <sigh> and I’m left wondering, is this how it will always be?

[little_wife]

I feel so frustrated after sleeping so poorly last night. It annoys me that I feel I can’t speak to M about anything that really bothers me. He says the time is past. I should just get over it. And so I don’t say anything anymore. I want to be like charly says, and do this for myself regardless of what he does or doesn’t do, but yet I’m left unsatisfied. I keep thinking if only he got it, it’d make all the difference. But how will he ever get it? I left him over this stuff, and he still went back to it! Did nothing I said back then have any effect what-so-ever?

Friends ask why I stay, and I tell them there’s still so much that is good in the marriage. And he is trying. He may not understand, but he’s doing it for me. But yet I know, he’ll go back in a heartbeat. This fear lies in me always. And next week he goes out of town on a business trip. I need to let it go.

At least I start taking classes next week. Hopefully, it’ll get my mind elsewhere; allow me to get on with MY life.

[Loving_FGL]

I don't know if this is my place but maybe this article might help with your anger?
Controlling Anger Before it Controls You
You are welcome to give it a try and see if it helps at all. I wish you good luck and I am sorry you are so angry, it is hard not be angry all the time in this stage, I think. Good luck.

[little_wife]

TY loving_FGL ! that was a great website you sent me to. Any help I can get is welcome. Currently I'm in counseling, working on the anger issue. My problem is that I am really good at ignoring things....sometimes for YEARS. So after seeing this was a problem long ago, I simply put off addressing it, in hopes that he would eventually take care of it himself. Well he didn't, so after I'd already had more then enough i finally allowed myself to start feeling again. Probably wasn't a good idea. Truely the anger isn't nearly as much as it was that first month, but yet it still comes back in waves. When I'm down, it seems so hopeless, but other times hope is not nearly so elusive.