Middleaged & broken

[little_wife]

I had a weird last couple of weeks, or so it felt to me. Things around the house had been calm, and M and I had been getting along great. Then we got new phones, and M had promised the kids we’d finally get texting. When the new phones came, and we were trying them out, M became upset because they only had texting, but not internet messenger. The kids told him that was finethat all they really wanted was the ability to text phone to phone, but he was so upset he called AT&T and started fussing at them. He said it was deceptive that they would offer texting without full internet capabilities. I was getting upset, as I heard this, because I hadn’t wanted internet for our phones, and suddenly I was annoyed too. He was just about ready to pay the extra $$$ to get it when I interrupted him, and said, “Hold up, lets talk about it before you order that.”
He got off the phone, and stomped out of the room, and came back pissed off. He came back, saying he’d promised the kids texting. They’re like, “Dad, it’s fine, we have texting.” Then he started saying he was pissed that I interrupted him while he was about to order the internet for the phones. I said that’s because I didn’t want it. Then he started in, on if we had internet HE could access it with his lap tops whereever HE was at, and that HE could get Yahoo messenger service, and that HE could do this and that. He went on to tell me he was going to order internet, and I shouldn’t have stopped him. And I lost it. Totally. Told him I had to leave. I stomped out of the room, to grab my coat and purse. And let him know that he could do what he was going to do, but I couldn’t stay without saying things in front of the kids that he’d totally regret. I was yelling, and on the verge of tears.
I guess when I lost it, he came to his senses, and told me, “Come on, lets go to the guest house and discuss it privately.” When he got out there, he was like “Is this about the P AGAIN???” And I was like “YES!” He wondered if this was going to come up for the rest of our lives, and I told him probably, especially if it is relevant. It is a part of our lives now. My argument was that we talk about food sometimes, even though we’ve talked about it before, and we probably will mention it for the rest of our lives too. He said he needed to study different technologies because of his career. I believe that. But yet, he’s abused these things so much, and let it become this big issue. I told him, I didn’t want this phone internet shoved down my throat, and wasn’t comfortable with it. He basically went along in order to preserve some sort of peace. :-< So now we don’t have internet access for the phones---thankfully. Not necessarily the best solution to the problem, but at least we weren’t fighting anymore.
When we went back to the house, the kids said they were glad we didn’t end up killing each other. I sometimes wonder what they think is going on with us.

[Pandora's Hope]

you sound pretty normal to me. It seems as though this "three steps forward, two steps back" pattern goes on for several months- but each time the yucky stuff happens, it's not quite as yucky, or not as frequent, or doesn't go on as long... as the previous time. We still do it on occasion after 168 days clean, give or take... but it's not very often any more, and never as bad as it used to be. Just remember, it takes TIME to heal from all this stuff- and there's a whole lot of baggage you both have to set down before it gets better. But it will, if you both keep working at it.

[Junebug1944]

it was good of you to put your foot down on the phone accessed internet. that is something that my SO and i are struggling with as blackberrys have no filtering software. its a lot easier if your dont have internet on the phone in order to maintain trust and your sanity.

[little_wife]

Thank you Junebug and Pandora :) 's
I know, Junebug, I'm not sure I could deal with that right now. There's just so little trust. Plus, my son, although he's my child, isn't a child, he's 20 y.o. One of my biggest fears is that he will start acting like M. And because of M's problems, I could never get M to talk to him about it, and now M doesn't want me to say anything to our son either, because he's afraid that I'll say something to embarrass him. But at least my son has passed on getting a laptop, talked like he didn't want the internet phone, and keeps his computer in a public area. At least with him I can walk up behind day or night and see and he doesn't even flinch. So far, & I cross my fingers, my son hasn't taken up his dad's disrespectful attitude towards women.

Pandora, you hit the nail on the head about what the problem is. M thinks I bring this issue up so that HE doesn't get any peace. He doesn't seem to get that it prevents ME from getting on with my life more then it does him. The problem is, is that this has become so entrenched in my thinking, I'm not sure it will ever fade away completely now. I've known about M's P problem for about 22/23 years. I left him about 16 years ago over this, and went through a prolonged depression. We got back together, and 5 years later he was up to the same old things. Part of the reason I put up with it, was because I was scared of these very feelings coming back. Denial was much easier. I want to have hope that these insecurities will fade away, but honestly, I'm not sure they will. And i hate this. In many ways, I'm simply trying to make peace with having these insecurities, rather then waiting for them to go away.

[hopefulwife]

Im glad you stood your ground with the internet phone thing. me and my hubby have it and it keeps me up at night because it is so hard to find out if he has been at it again. he got his new phone for x-mas from his parents and i couldnt tell them not to. if i did i would have to tell them why and i could never ever do that. we were visiting them and didnt have any space to talk about it. so now it is a HUGE issue. i knew the whole time why he wanted it. i felt so helpless. merry x-mas to me~X(
By the way on another note I found your story very helpfull. It is comferting to know there are other people that have felt what i have. thank you very very much for sharing.

[little_wife]

For the most part, I rarely come back to the journal unless I'm having doubts and fears, but most days I'm so content and happy, that I don't need to work though it.

Recently, we've hit several milestones along the path to recovery. I now feel comfortable (okay, mostly comfortable that is) when M is working at his computer even if I can't hear him talking to his brother. I don't always feel the need to peek into the room.

Also, he's going to upgrade his computer, get a larger hard drive. When he first mentioned it, I'd gone insane. It was right after I'd confronted him about his excessive P use. He was constantly burning P DVD's. I was convinced he only wanted it because it'd be easier for him to hide his movies on his computer. I knew there were other reasons for upgrading computers, but once the trust is gone, I could see things only through the P & lies. Now we can move on.

Mostly nowdays, I feel loved and cherished. He's done his part in trying to put this behind us, and he rarely avoided the discussions. His behavior was soooo much more mature then the first time through this. And my feelings of love for him are stronger then I ever thought they could be.

For years we never traveled together. It seemed he was using P as his constant companion. Next week, we're going on our first trip together in almost seven years. We're going without the kids and we're both approaching it as a second honeymoon. We're like little kids in our planning of it. I can hardly believe how excited I am to have this time alone with him.

Hopefulwife, not to steal your nickname, but right at the moment, I feel I'm living a hopeful life ;) and I rather like it.

[Life-lies-trust]

little_wife it is good to hear something positive. Maybe there is some hope out there. Thanks.

[little_wife]

>:D< LLT, there really is hope. But you can't do it alone. I am very, very grateful for the mature way M has started down a new path. He has given me no reason to not trust him; his actions have helped build a new foundation for our marriage. Do not give up LLT. I had soooo much anger last summer. Counseling helped me tremendously. And unfortunately, the more gunk that was piled up, the longer it takes to wander through it.

[Life-lies-trust]

On Monday we had the first couples counseling and I went in mad but it got a lot of it out of my system. I also told him that I "can not fix you" he has to do the work not me.

My worry is he going back or not and waiting for the relapse. Then I do worry about whether or not he is giving me the truth or if it is more lies. Time I need to take it a day at a time.

[little_wife]

I've had some ups and downs since our recent "vacation." We went to Hawaii, and had a wonderful, sexy, romantic time. There was hardly a bad thought the whole time. I felt so in love with M.

When we got home, reality set in. We knew that he had one week here before he'd be away for two weeks for training. I stressed that whole week. Although we'd had a great honeymoon like vacation, and he'd made me feel really sexy, I started worrying about how he was going to handle his S "needs" during these upcoming 2 weeks. I started feeling pissed off that he even had such a strong drive. :( It's like I'd rather his whole sex drive go away, and both of us never have sex, then for him to always be wanting it constantly. But anways, by the end of the week before he left again to go to training, I was depressed and exhausted from not sleeping.

Then he went away, and I was fine. It was like he finally took his problem away with him, and I did not have to deal with it. I barely thought about it the whole time until it was almost time for him to be home. Then BOOM, it was right back. What had he been doing the whole two weeks? Why should I be excited to see him when he's had had "fun time' without me?

UGH! it still seems that after all this time, that it's almost easier to be rid of him completely, then to have to deal with the possibility of facing his addiction ever again. =(( Oh, well, it's just frustrating that it feels this issue will never leave my consciousness completely. That it's always in the back of my mind that he will return to it. That I am wasting my life, growing old, spending it with a man who cannot truly love a woman beyond what she looks like.