Middleaged & broken

[little_wife]

"So little_wife... are you married to a supermodel? If his friends
are attracted to you, would your friends be attracted to him?
I am just asking because its a perspective maybe he needs.
Why are other people's opinions of how you look important to
him?"

LOL, not hardly....he is in fact almost 100lbs over weight. Oddly enough, however, he is attractive in his own way even with the weight. He can be very charming, successful and confident. Women in fact very much like him.

I on the other hand am underweight--- and have always made the effort to stay slim. I've never been nearly as confident, and although I'm likeable, my anxiety probably turns people away. This will sound very egotistical, and all, and I know I'm not, but I know I am physically much more attractive then him. He's just in fact, very critical of womens physical appearances, and is especially tough on any one even slightly over weight and usually around my age or older.

Sadly enough, in recent years, I've started to dislike men conpletely because I have a hard time believing that they can ever even love women for whom women really are. :( I know this can't be true for all of them, but it's really hard for me to get over it, and believe differently.

[lightseeker]

''He's just in fact, very critical of womens physical appearances''

Just wanted to say that the porn is probably the reason why your husband is so critical of womens weight, after so much porn use you get like that, women do become objects and this is so very bad.

[artguy34]

So little_wife... are you married to a supermodel? If his friends are attracted to you, would your friends be attracted to him? I am just asking because its a perspective maybe he needs. Why are other people's opinions of how you look important to him?

I think that is called "Trophy Wife Syndrome"

When someone has charisma, sometimes it takes the slack of other areas they are deficient in. IMO, I feel that little_wife spoiled her husband by being attractive and made him feel more significant by what he has, instead of what he shares.

Think about it, a successful businessman, walks around with a beautiful wife, nice house, family, cars etc... I think it was more of a status issue. Hence the reason he enjoyed when other men found her attractive. And possibly the reason he felt he could be critical of other women?

Unfortunately that is a selfish act committed by a PA. I have posted in another thread earlier that being a PA is a selfish addiction first of all, that leads one to be selfish in other area's. And I firmly believe that.

However I do not doubt that little_wife's husband loves her, but while in the throes of PA, it seems he was acting very selfishly as do many PA's.

With that being said LW, im glad that your husband has seemed to check into reality and enjoyed the holidays the way they were meant to be. I hope you both continue to have success and heal together!

[little_wife]

Thanks lightseeker and AG. I think you're right lightseeker. I wonder if this will ever go away, or if it's more indicative our our society as a whole? This is more what i'm thinking now. But as individuals hopefully we can get beyond it.

AG, I was soooo embarrassed when I read your response. When you hear that term, we think of a beautiful, blonde bimbo. Trust me, I'm not that pretty. I was and I guess even now am to an extent, kind of cute, but hardly anything special. It's just in his mind, I think I was always SUPPOSED to be more so, and usually didn't live up to it. We talked about it briefly today, and I know he's not like this anymore. He's a deeper, more full person now. I think I'm just having trouble letting go, and probably like all the SO's and even the PA's, scared of being worthless. :(

[maggie]

Little Wife,

Just read this post dec 22nd. It's late but had to respond.

I felt a sense of peace for you when you said that H reached out to you and you were able to feel a little, much needed closeness. This illness really drives partners far apart, and we crave to have them back, the way they were when we met them.

It is a herculian task to accept and move on from all of this. I was just trying to figure out a way to ask other SO's how long each of these horrid stages last in our journey. The shock, the anger, the disbelief, the new and awful revelations, the hurt, the sadness and finally the possibility of rebuilding trust in a relationship.

[maggie]

Little wife
Sorry again for the late response, but just read this post where you refer to your H as a " wonderful " person. You describe him as perceptive and awesome.

Wow, you are a very loving and forgiving person.
I know this is a dumb question, but can you just give me a rough estimate of how long you were angry for ? I found out 3 months ago, and I'm sorry to say, but my anger has increased over the past month. It is not longer just the disgust of what he was doing, but now, the fog has lifted and I can see why he treated me so coldly and strangely the past few years. I had been really confused, thought he was sick or that he had early Alzheimers or that he had lost his job or something bad.

Now that I see how the p controlled his behavior, I am remembering more and more instances of his starting fights to stomp off to his laptop and hide. His refusal to go anywhere with me and his strong encouragement for me to go out and night to ed classes. I'd come home at 9 and find him asleep at his computer and exhausted the next morning. All these horrible facts and memories keep flooding my mind.

Sorry, again I tell too much detail.... Little wife About how long were you very angry and how long before you reached this new appreciation of your H?

[little_wife]

Little wife
Sorry again for the late response, but just read this post where you refer to your H as a " wonderful " person. You describe him as perceptive and awesome.

Wow, you are a very loving and forgiving person.
I know this is a dumb question, but can you just give me a rough estimate of how long you were angry for ? I found out 3 months ago, and I'm sorry to say, but my anger has increased over the past month. It is not longer just the disgust of what he was doing, but now, the fog has lifted and I can see why he treated me so coldly and strangely the past few years. I had been really confused, thought he was sick or that he had early Alzheimers or that he had lost his job or something bad.

Now that I see how the p controlled his behavior, I am remembering more and more instances of his starting fights to stomp off to his laptop and hide. His refusal to go anywhere with me and his strong encouragement for me to go out and night to ed classes. I'd come home at 9 and find him asleep at his computer and exhausted the next morning. All these horrible facts and memories keep flooding my mind.

Sorry, again I tell too much detail.... Little wife About how long were you very angry and how long before you reached this new appreciation of your H?

<sigh> Maggie, I wish i could say I was that wonderful, forgiving person you mention. I wish I could tell you at some point the anger went away. I hasn't. BUT, things have changed. Things are better, and it's not because of me. M has changed. He's more patient. He knows i was finished. In most ways, I think I'm a whole lot more broken after all these years then he is, and he's become a support system for me. And yet, I still lash out at him sometimes.

Often when we read and write these posts, there's things left unsaid. Such as when i read your posts. I feel a bond with you and your story. Like you, me and my husband are going on a quarter of a century. And I had a kind friend named Maggie, that I sometimes imagine you're like. So I always find your posts particularly touching.

But in many ways our storys diverge there. I've known about my husbands P use most of our marriage. I was a teenager & virgin when we met, and he was the wild bad boy. It was within 2 years after we married that he turned to porn. I was supposed to continue being the good, pretty girl, and he was playing the skirt chaser, that tugged on his leash (and he used this description all the time.) Because this was such an encompassing part of our lives, I'm not sure I'll EVER be over it completely. I do know I love my husband, but unlike yours, mine has become nicer and kinder. We had our 1st blowup when my daughter was born, and I ended up leaving him...and although he'd gone back, he never, ever went back to being as distant, as angry, as superficial. I can't imagine having to deal with all this now, in its full force. If there were anything I could possibly do or tell you, Maggie, that would get through to your husband, i would. Just reading about the ordeal he's putting you through now, breaks my heart. I have the urge to tell you to walk, to get the <bleep> out of there. And yet, I know this is not the kind of support you need. But i do think at some point, you sense of self preservation will come up, and you will have to be willing to get out completely if he will not stop his distructive behavior.

I know that wasn't the most useful post, but it just makes me so frustrated knowing that the person who is supposed to be a partner can be so oblivious to the pain they inflict. Please keep writing Maggie, I just keep hoping the tides will eventually turn in your favor.

[little_wife]

Last night M told me he wanted to start a new diet. I really am quite excited. He seen this new diet plan on yahoo yesterday, and decided it probably was something he could do. He'd been walking off and on with me over the past 6 months or so, but it really hasn't been enough to improve his health. And as whining and gripey as I've been, i STILL want him here and healthy.

[maggie]

Little Wife,

" he is in fact almost 100lbs over weight. Oddly enough, however, he is attractive in his own way even with the weight. He can be very charming, successful and confident. Women in fact very much like him. "

He is only attractive, because you love him and you see and encourage every tiny bit of goodness in him. He is a very fortunate man, it's too bad that he is blind to real beauty and goodness. His loss.

You are so forgiving to share your walk with him. I am way too bitter right now, to share something like a fun activity of mine with my PA. I keep reading how the forgiveness of others, really heals us.

I can see by your posts that this is true. You are healing by reaching out to him and to all of us here. Inspiration....

[little_wife]

" I am way too bitter right now, to share something like a fun activity of mine with my PA. I keep reading how the forgiveness of others, really heals us.

It is so much easier to forgive those who are no longer actively hurting us. Your energy now would be best directed toward not allowing your PA to continue taking advantage of you. Not being able to share fun activities with a partner is sooo painful and lonely. I think all of us SO's want to reach out and help those who are still being hurt. I know your PA was in a lot of denial, is he doing anything to move forward? Or is he happy with the status quo at the moment? Have you formulated a plan to help you get on with your life if he doesn’t make any efforts? I know I’m tossing a lot of questions at you, but you truly do deserve to move beyond this hell.