Middleaged & broken

[Crisodian]

As far as hobbies, you could be me! Except for dance....I have NO rhythm and am totally tone deaf.

LOL... Ok. Now. I said I have FUN dancing, not that I was any good. :P And believe me, we have people from all levels of dance participating in our group. Like meditaion, it's a great outlet for the soul and ... no one really cares if you dont have rhythm. We just have fun and laugh a lot.

How odd, when i came to this web site, I wouldn't have thought I'd be meeting creative, people who are anything like myself other then their being PAs & SOs. VEry nice :)

I agree, it's great making a connection with others outside of the "I'm an SO" or "I'm a PA" arena. It's very nice to be able to learn about others lives and not be all consumed with addiction!

I hope the "pause" suggestion helps. Let me know if you find it useful!

~C~

[little_wife]

Somehow I always find my way to my journal when I'm most down. Happy days, no journal needed I guess. I dunno?
It's been a long time since I ended up on the couch (months--yay!) Unfortunately last night I found myself there again. And as many times before it was the ingrained thought patterns leading me down the same depressive reasoning.

This morning M asked me about it, and I told him I was just struggling to overcome this part of our history. He was soooo sweet about it, and said he understood. He said he sometimes has trouble with the past, too, but tries to let it flow over him, and to deal with the pieces of it that he can. The fact that he talked with me about it in a pleasant, non-defensive manner made me feel much better. I tried to let him know that I wasn't angry at anything he was currently doing, but letting go of the past is turning out to be an almost herculian task. I'm not sure I can. :( I am grateful though for the moment of closeness I felt with him when he reached out to me this morning.

[WifeOfNewLifeMan]

little_wife,

Thank you for your post. Although the sadness is wearying, it is good that your husband reached out to you and that you accepted it. I have in the past reacted in anger when my husband tried to comfort me or if he even asked how I was doing. I had the mindset of he doesn’t care how I am doing, he hasn’t cared for the past 8 years, the only reason he cares now is because it is in his face and makes him uncomfortable now that I know his secret. So, I wanted no comfort from him. I didn’t even want him to ask how I was doing. I don’t feel that way now as much. Even if he caused the pain, he is still able to make me feel better even if its only temporarily. As someone pointed out in the forums, the problems are more than just P. But, our husbands and partners are more than just PA too. Although the bad times overshadow the good at the moment, I can’t discount the good.

Sorry, I didn’t mean to go so far in your journal. I just wanted to thank you for your post. I also wanted to point out that it takes love and courage on your part to accept his comfort, just as it took those same things to offer it.

You said in your journal that he doesn’t come here, but that he is working through things in his own way. Is he still working through things? Are things better for you in the present, even if its hard to forget the past?

Take care of yourself today.

[Charly22]

Ahhhh.......we need more of those kind of moments don't we? This is my "guage". When one is not able to provide me with that kind of moment....I suspect that there is guilt that prevents it. Suspect being a key word. Doesn't make it gospel. Now that you know he's capable of such, and if he ever isn't able to, this is where I start to worry. But then that's borrowing trouble ain't it? I am pleased to hear that you were able to get that moment of closeness, I pray that this continues for you.

I too find myself not coming here when I am walking tall. Its when I fall apart that I feel the need to come here. And then I preach to my husband for "not reaching for the proper tools to help him". Guess I need to practice what I preach.

[little_wife]

Thank you both. Honestly, he had done nothing recently to deserve any anger from me. It just come unbidden so many times. He's an awesome, perceptive person. When he's not using P so much, he's more of that wonderful person at every moment then when he indulges. I told him I do want to be by him throughout this life...now if only I can get find my own inner peace. This I'm afraid, I'll have to find on my own.

[WifeOfNewLifeMan]

little_wife,

How are you doing and how goes the quest for inner peace? I wonder when I don't hear from people for a while, is it because things are going well and they have no need to come here? I certainly hope its the case for you.

Happy 2010.

[little_wife]

Hey WoNLM!
I'm doing good....had a great holiday. Thank you so much for your concern. Many hugs to you. Hope you and all the SO's and everyone in recovery had a good holiday also.

For me, this years festivities were better then they have been in years. Unlike so many of the women here, I've known about my husband's issues for many, many years. It was not like he was keeping it secret from me, it was way too encompassing for that to even to have been possible. But, with him finally pulled out of his fantasy world, this year he actually participated somewhat in the holiday. He'd always claimed he hated holidays, but then again, he rarely took pleasure in anything that didnt revolve around his sexuality or business success. So this year, he helped wrap presents, took the kids shopping, and even offered to help with some of the decorating. It felt like a family! Oddly enough, we even had snow before xmas, which even made it more special. \:D/ I think i'm feeling peaceful today! Thank you!

[little_wife]

I had one of those weird "ah-ha" moments the other day, when things get a bit clearer. Somebody wrote a post about whether or not the PA's worried about whether or not their SO's would find someone else. Several of the men answered that no, and that if they'd had to worry about that, that'd been a whole different issue. Unfortunately I got really riled up, and answered quite snippily. I'd heard somewhere, that those times where we get upset easily are moments that are quite revealing. I guess everyone's story although all alike in many ways are also all differently and individual.
In our case, it occured to me, that my husband always wanted me to prove I was sexy and attractive enough for him. He liked his friends to have crushes on me, etc. Oddly enough he was always nicer to me if he felt I had options. This probably was part of the appeal of being swingers with him I guess. Thankfully the group where we belonged was a female driven thing, and I couldn't make myself participate. I dunno. it's weird. Maybe this is why I feel so anxious about growing older. It always felt like no matter how much i contributed to the household, it didn't matter unless I looked good. I was a good mother; I took care of my H when he was severly injured and almost died; I was there when the economy was down, and he thought he'd never find something at his level again. I AM a good person, and it has nothing to do with looks. Women are not empty shells. We are real, full, feeling humans. And we want to be loved as such.
Well, maybe i'll work up the courage to ask him about his soon. See what he thinks about it.

[Crisodian]

Women are not empty shells. We are real, full, feeling humans. And we want to be loved as such.

So very, very true, lw.

Women are not objects. No matter how we act.

~C~

[WifeOfNewLifeMan]

little_wife-

I am sure that will be an interesting conversation. I am struck again and again by how women here (and everywhere) feel this pressure to look good or be attractive enough for our partners. If we "let ourselves go" and they look elsewhere, either with P or in real life, then people say they feel bad for us. But then they go off and kind of say, well, look at her... she should have tried harder to keep his interest. Its sad.

The converse is rarely ever true. I had to lose my baby weight and even worried about that ugly brown baby line on my stomach because that's when I first caught my husband with P. I thought my post-baby body contributed, so I worked HARD to lose weight so he would be attracted to me again. But, I was expected to completely overlook his "post-baby" body. He looked pregnant for most of our marriage and even if he felt less than attractive because of his weight, he would just eat more, and look at P more. I was supposed to be attractive for him, but he felt no desire to do the same for me.

So little_wife... are you married to a supermodel? If his friends are attracted to you, would your friends be attracted to him? I am just asking because its a perspective maybe he needs. Why are other people's opinions of how you look important to him?

Thanks for sharing your thoughts.