Middleaged & broken

[little_wife]

Since I’ve last written, I’ve been doing pretty good. I’ve had several sessions with my therapist, whose giving me some tools to deal with my anger. Things are going better with my husband. Although I’ve had moments of anger, about the only time I really had a hard time was when he’d been out of town for a few days. His being on business trips was always a time for his porn and strip clubbing.
When he got home, I tried to be pleasant, but it’s really hard to feel excited knowing he’s been watching his movies, and now I am expected to top them. At least while he was gone, I didn’t have to think about it. I was able to relax and sleep well, but the moment he came home it hit me.
There wasn’t much of a hug or kiss. I just couldn’t do it. He told me he missed me very much, and tried to express more tenderness. I don’t know why I get so aloof. I know I too needed the physical touch, but wouldn’t let myself receive it. Before we went to bed, he apologized (for what? I don’t think anything other then the situation, just to make things better? Probably, for the disconnect between us.) He also told me he loved me and missed me. We slept with no contact, and didn’t sleep well at all.
By the next day, I felt better, and felt more loving towards him. We hadn’t fought the night before, but the warmth was just missing. We briefly discussed the situation before we went on to bed that night and things resumed being warm and intimate.

In many ways, we’ve both felt closer since he’s stopped watching the movies. He always had major mood swings, and since he stopped they’ve almost totally disappeared. His patience with me has in fact been remarkable; something I’ve been quite surprised about. I don’t know if he’s just being nice or what, but he seems very appreciative that we’re now able to be spontaneous and much more physical then we ever used to be before (or at least during the years when he was so into the movies).

But anyways, this is where I’m at now.

[little_wife]

It’s been a while since I last wrote. That doesn’t mean that every thing is perfect, but it’s definitely better. Every day, is a new calmer day, USUALLY. I’m still in therapy, but I find that I’m really embarrassed letting her know the extent of how much M’s porn use over the course of our marriage has hurt me. I really can’t figure out why this fear of being labeled a prude has so much hold over me, and women in society as a whole. I tell myself that most women really don’t understand how it is with a true porn addict, and how depleting it is to a relationship. I probably would never have thought so myself had I not been in this relationship.

I’m far from a conservative Christian, and had a very difficult time finding sites that could discuss the downfalls of excessive porn use without moralizing, and bringing their religious beliefs into the debate. That is one of the things I do appreciate about this site, that although some cite their religious belief as helping them overcome porn addiction, that there are other reasons beyond being doomed to hell for quitting.

M has stopped hanging out at his computer all the time searching, downloading, recording, and then watching porn. He now has time to exercise and to spend time with the family. He’s much, much, much calmer. His mood swings have almost totally gone away. Is this a aspect of quitting porn? I don’t know, but it certainly seems like it. I know before he quit, every time he spent lots of time alone watching he’d be a lot more irritable. He and I also have more time to talk, and have grown much closer. Emotionally, things just keep getting better. Sex has recently improved immensely. I’m unsure why its just within the last few weeks has improved so drastically. I rather think it’s just he’s finally beyond it? I don’t know, would appreciate some feedback on this.

Although M had gotten rid of most of his collection in July, he still had about 150 DVD’s left. Last weekend, I was going to be gone all day, so I took the key to cabinet he keeps them in. When I got home, he told me how he was ready to get rid of the rest. So he plans on shipping them off to his brother tomorrow. Personally, I’d rather he just threw them out, but at least he’s finally decided on his own to get rid of them, so I’m really quite happy.

I have noticed that I feel a lot of pressure to make sure we have a perfect sex life, and I’m really, really uncomfortable with that. I sometimes wonder if we’ll be able to keep it up to the point that he’s satisfied ENOUGH. <sigh> oh well. I guess we’ll just have to take life as it comes.

[Pandora's Hope]

Hi, LWife- thanks for sharing your story. I'm not sure which is worse- the anger or the hurt/humiliation. It really stinks to be stuck with this addiction in your house- you're right about that. But I'm glad to hear things are getting better...

thanks for your support, and hugs right back at you :)

[little_wife]

Pandoras Hope, thank you so much for the kind reply. >:D<

On Saturday, I finally felt good enough to tell my counselor that for now I'm finished with therapy. We've left the option open to come back later, just in case.

In some ways it's a bittersweet end, because right as I was finishing up and feeling better, my teenage daughter started having problems. I've been searching for a counselor for her that specializes in eating disorders. Every time she stresses out, she deals with it by not eating. After breaking up with a b/f a few weeks ago, she lost enough weight that it became quite dangerous. It's been hard on our whole family, and I've had to get M involved also. He'd been quite hands off with her for the last few years. Since his stopping P recently, I've asked that he also lay off the criticism of women based on looks, age, and weight. Though I don't blame him for her problems, I can't help but think they are related. Is it just me, or do others see how porn has gone beyond the spousal relationship, and also affected their children? Maybe i simply see patterns where they don't exist, but I can't help but wonder sometimes.

[Pandora's Hope]

I think the messages porn gives about women are insidious, and the PAs send those messages whether or not they realize it. Women have to look a certain way to be desirable- even though those women themselves don't look that way without implants, nips, tucks, airbrushing... then more vulnerable women try to live up to those unrealistic images. I think it can be very damaging, although subtle. But that's just my opinion...

[little_wife]

Every day seems to get better and better, then BAM, I’m blindsided by a really bad day. <Sigh> so much for feeling we were past all obstacles. It started by reading a new article that someone had posted from Psychologist Today magazine. I really liked the article; thought it brought up many points relevant to the situation many of us are going through. My husband and I had not talked about P for quite a long time, a month or it seems perhaps much longer. We certainly hadn’t fought over it recently. I thought because it was a secular story, I could send it to him. He’s very particular about not wanting to read anything that comes across as moralizing or someone pushing their religious beliefs. OMgosh, this article caused such a fight between us. He told me I was reopening old wounds, and that this story was a piece of garbage from someone’s diary like entry. He said it was rude and it looked like I was googling things to “cure” him.

Of course all this started a huge fight, and we ended up staying up to about 3:30, with us both having to get up at 6:00 this morning. Towards the end of the night, we stopped fighting, and came to a peaceful resolution. However, I am left with a nasty taste in my mouth. The whole thing stinks. He tried to tell me about how he wasn’t using porn back during the time when he was using it for hours at a time, and often staying up all night using. But now, history is changed; he doesn’t like that part of the past anymore, and so now I’m just a liar. I’m cruel for saying it affected my sex life and that he ever had issues in the bedroom. Now the only story he wants to believe that all our issues have been caused by his “health problems.” Grrrrr, I’m sooooo frustrated.

[Crisodian]

Must be something in the air. My husband and I had a tough night last night as well. Minor, in terms of setbacks, but it still stings.

As a former addict (not-P), I can recall going through severe bouts of denial. Excuse making. Everyone else and everything else was an issue, not me. And when people in my life wanted to support me, I just got angry and lashed out. It's interesting to be a SO of a PA now. NOW I understand what I went through battling my own addiction and what it did to everyone around me. It's only taken me 15 years.

Maybe he has hit that phase of his addiction?

It's a tough place for addicts to be. Even tougher for the SO because, from what you are describing, he seems to be in denial. One thing I did learn is that if an addict is in denial, no amount of proding, pushing, pulling, yelling, fighting or, in some cases, even threats, do a darn bit of good. The addict must make up their own minds that the addiction is a problem and take responsibility. Until that happens, it's like banging your head against a wall.

My husband was like that 2 1/2 years ago when I first confronted him about his PA. It's taken these last few years and another confrontation for him to finally admit his addiction and start the healing process. Before that, there was a LOT of denial and excuse making ... so much so I fell into the trap of believing it was me that caused this problem.

Keep your chin up. Try not to add more stress on yourself by accepting his criticism. You are being supportive and trying to help, not lying or being cruel. Be strong for you.

Sending warm thoughts and good wishes,
~C~

[Pandora's Hope]

First, my husband and I had a medium-sized go-round the same night. Full moon, maybe?
That being said, my husband and I talked about your post a lot- and found it very helpful for US to understand some of the dynamics we get into as well. He says that men tend to feel shame very easily, and will get defensive frequently because they're feeling ashamed of what they did in the past, or even of the feeling that their present efforts to fix things aren't good enough. Maybe that's where hubby was coming from? And we women tend to react to our feelings of fear (This stuff is right out of that book "Improve your marriage without talking about it" by Patricia Love), which triggers their shame for not being "better" husbands. So maybe that dynamic is coming into play a little.
It takes us a long time to heal from the collateral damage to our self esteem, our sexual confidence, etc. We're trying to be supportive by not overwhelming them with all the hurt at once, and they'd rather keep the focus moving forward for a variety of reasons- denial, perhaps, and maybe shame, and fear, and who knows what else. My husband and I have definitely gotten into that cycle before.
Anyway, the idea we came up with when talking about your post was to maybe limit those conversations to 15 minutes with no one being allowed to escalate, get defensive, accusatory, etc. He says most guys can handle it for fifteen minutes without getting defensive if they know that it will be tabled after that. And most of us can state our own feelings clearly and relatively calmly in 15 minutes if we try.
And at the end of that 15 minutes, go do something fun- or watch something funny- something to get yourselves smiling and laughing again.

Just some suggestions... hang in there! HUGS

[little_wife]

Thank you girls---Crisodian and Pandora’s Hope. It really does help a lot to know that we’re not the only ones with the ups and downs. I was hoping we were past the rough patches. Please don’t think I’m glad you’re going through these fights either, because I’m certainly not! It’s awful, and it does feel like we’re backsliding.

I liked your idea about keeping the discussions about this subject to 15 minutes. Trust me, I soooooooooo wanted that conversation to end the other night. M believes in working it through all the way, so that we can go to bed without anger. Normally this is true, and though we seemed at peace then, something about it just wasn’t right. He doesn’t/won’t come to this website. He IS, however, trying. I know this marriage means a lot to him, and he loves me very much. So I’ll see what he thinks about this idea. That way neither one of us will feel like we’re giving up---it’ll be more like resolve it later when we’re fresher, or let it go if it’s not important.

Part of what we discussed the other night during the long, long night, was that we never really honestly discussed the things I had done to retaliate against him, and then the escalation of his problems. I probably could have been considered a chat-romance-addict 10 years ago. This went on for about 1-1/2 to 2 years. I’m scared to death of bringing this bad period into the present. At the time, I so wanted it to destroy our marriage. I figured it was the only way to get away from M. Plus it just felt good, I wanted to feel pretty, sexy and that I had something that wasn’t dependent on his input into our marriage. It led him to joining such sites as adult friend finder, and probably others. Should we just drop these subjects? He feels we should discuss it, and I told him part of the reason I was finally able to deal with the porn issue, was that I felt I was now ready to deal with my own past. I’m terrified, because NOW, I do not want to end the marriage, and I’m scared we’ll say things that one or the other of us will not be able to forget. I’m not sure I could handle certain things, and I don’t think he could either. We were both very good at turning a blind eye, but once something is said, it can’t be unsaid. I guess these are probably the same feelings he had about the P issue coming up. T-E-R-R-I-F-I-E-D !

[little_wife]

On another subject, yesterday, ugh! Yesterday was my daughters first counseling appointment. Nobody in our town would take her because they felt she needed a specialist. So we ended up having to drive to the city near us which is close to 2 hours one way. M got the day off of all days, so was spending the day home alone, because my son was in classes all day. My daughter ended up not feeling comfortable with the counselor, isn’t sure she wants to go back. Though there were a few important things said there. I still need to talk to her today, and see if the issue is she just doesn’t want to gain weight, or what. Another thing is, is the counselor isn’t able to put her on medication if that’s what will end up being required. So I may have to continue looking for someone else. I know anxiety plays a big part in all of this, so we’ll have to wait and see.

Then last night when we got home, M seemed somewhat distant, less affectionate---which in our case was something that happened when he used porn frequently. We made love for the first time in a while, and it just wasn’t there. Sex had been so good lately and we’d been bonding so much, I just felt sick & barely slept afterwards. I’m sure he went back to P yesterday. However, I will never know. Ugh, I hate when he feels he can get away with it, because he thinks it doesn’t affect me or our marriage. I don’t know if I should ask him or what. He tends to become very self-righteous and angry if he’s caught. EVEN when I have evidence…and with this, I do not. I’m not sure what I’m going to do tonight. He thinks I don’t consider how to approach things with him, but he’s wrong. I wonder over and over which is the kindest way, which will be most effective, how do I keep him from feeling defensive and not put him on the spot. But yet, sometimes no matter how much I think I’m broaching the subject with consideration, he ends up angry and hurt. L Maybe I should just drop it; I dunno. But then again, that’s why we spent years with P coming between us.