My ex husband was a PA

[SoinLove]

I'm so ready to share my story of how I got where I am now. This will be long, sorry, but I need to get it off my chest so bad, and if anyone is willing to read through this and provide me with some advise or encouragement, it will be GREATLY appreciated! I also think that this could be helpful for any man, trying to get through this issue, and has a wife or girlfriend that is effected by his addiction to see it from our side of things....

I met my ex when I was only 16, and he was 15 (so young... I know). I honestly never even knew anything about PA. I knew about p**n, but I thought it was a tool for guys to use when they can't have sex, or for a couple to look at to "spice" things up a bit. I never knew that it could be a problem in a relationship. We started living together after about 3 months of dating. About 6 months after we started having sex, I decided to try getting some toys, and a few movies to watch together because I was curious. Well I had no clue how it would be, and he was very unsure about it. We started watching it, and it upset me really bad. It hurt me to see him get turned on by watching other women, and we turned it off. I just threw the tape in the back of my closet, and we agreed we wouldn't watch it again. There was an incident, I believe before this, where I caught him in the shower, M. I was so upset, I just laid in my bed and balled. When he got out of the shower, he made up some excuse of why he did it, and told me he was sorry, and wouldn't do it again. It's not like he just did it because I wasn't available. I was right in the other room, and he didn't even try anything with me. That's what hurt me. I felt like he chose himself over me.
After almost 2 years of dating, we got married, and shortly after had a baby. When our first daughter was about 1 1/2, I thought about looking at P with him again, just to spice things up. I figured I'm more mature now, and it'll be fine. He was all for it, and we got some stuff off the TV, and it was ok a few time, and then it was just bothering me too much, so we stopped again. Then again, probably 6 months later, we talked about buying a dvd. He warned me to hide it good if we do get something. I was really confused at why he would say that. Well, he confessed that he had looked at that old tape, back when we were dating, when I left the house, and he doesn't trust himself to not do it again, so I need to hide it better. I was really upset. I felt sick to my stomach, and I wanted to cry, but we were in the middle of the mall! I told him I felt like he just told me he cheated on me, and it really hurts. He said HE KNOWS I FEEL THAT WAY, and he's really sorry. We did end up ordering more stuff on the TV, but it became even harder for me to watch it with him, because now I had hurt feelings about it, and resented him so much.
One thing I did forget to mention, is there were a few more times over the years that I caught him M, and he always said he was sorry, and it was just a one time thing and he'll stop.
At some point, I think it was about a year and another baby later (I felt so much resentment against him the whole time) we got in a fight, and I had mentioned that I'm still sore about him doing that behind my back that "one" time. He said, "one time? I never said I only did that once... I did that every time you left the house!" Well, now I felt from bad to worse. I didn't know how I was supposed to react. All I knew is that I felt heart broken. HE KNEW how I felt about that! Just watching it with him upset me, and every time I'd catch him M, he saw how upset I was! I could he do something so selfish?!?

I felt so much resentment at this point, that I didn't even really feel like I was in love with him anymore. He hurt me so bad. We were having a lot of problems in our marriage after the birth of our second girl. He acted like he didn't care at all about my feelings. He played video games all the time, and didn't help with the babies. He was very withdrawn, and every time I tried to talk to him about it, he told me if I have a problem with him to just leave. This went on for about 6 months, and it got worse and worse. He developed a very violent temper, often throwing things and breaking things. He even threw things at me in a fight, leaving bruises from it. I was finally pushed to the point of leaving him. Shortly before I left him though, I got in touch with my an ex boyfriend of mine. Why did I do it? Because I wanted to, and I didn't care how he felt because he didn't care how I felt when he did his selfish deeds. I just wanted to get in touch with him to see how he had been, but I fell in love with him again. After I left my husband, I hooked up with my ex boyfriend. My husband didn't try to get me back at all. He left me alone. One day when he came to get the kids, he ran into my new man. He was very mad at me for talking to him. I told him that I'm sure he wasn't innocent in this whole thing. I asked him if he did anything since we had split up (it had been a week) and he said THE DAY I moved out, he went out and bought a p**n! I was so disgusted! Your wife leaves you, and the first thing you do is get that? Shouldn't you be upset, and try and get her back??? I was so heart broken! I couldn't stop crying. I made a big mistake. I wanted to be selfish like him. I didn't want to think about his feelings anymore, and just do whatever I wanted to do. So I slept with my ex boyfriend. I told myself that I just wouldn't tell him, just like he didn't tell me the stuff he did. Shortly after this incedent, my husband decieded he wanted me back. He said he'd change his way, and he was so sorry. Since I had children with him, I felt obligated to give him another chance. One day we were at a park, and he was telling me that he feels really bad about buying that p**n, and he'll never do that again. For the first time he doesn't feel compelled to look at it. I said,"you act like you looked at it all the time or something". Well, to my surprise, he told me that there were several periods of times, throughout our marriage, and the did find a way to get it, and he looked at it behind my back. We didn't even own a computer because I was so afraid of him looking at it, but he still found a way. I started shaking. My heart was pounding, and I just wanted to cry. Instead I chose to hurt him back, and I told him what I did with my ex. So now we had both broken each others heart, and trust. It was such a terrible feeling. I still loved him, and I wanted our family to be together.

He said he forgave me, and I did him, but we never really did. He told me that he thinks he has a serious addiction problem. That's when I started researching it on the net, and finding out just how common it is. I told him about it, and asked if he would be willing to get help. He said no way, and he doesn't really think he has a problem. It was so hard to live with him now that I didn't trust him, and I knew about his problem. I tried controlling him, and he resisted. I tried getting parental controls on our pc, and he laughed at me. He said it would be fine. After a while, I just gave up. I looked at it with him again, because he blamed his deception on me, saying that I teased him by looking at it somtimes, and then quitting. So I just gave in. It didn't bother me too much anymore, because I didn't love him as much. I really started to hate him. Our marriage slowly fell further and further apart. We seperated and got back together again. I was still talking to my ex boyfriend (not having sex with him, just talking to him), just because I knew it would upset my husband if he knew, and it just made me feel better to have a secret. Well, as if we didn't have enough children, we had yet another baby girl. At the time I had stopped talking to my ex, and I vowed to be completely and fully devoted to making this marriage work. Unfortunely I was way too late. He did agree with me, but he seemed even more distant then before, and we had NO emotional connection. I was depressed and hated my life. He would often call me really terrible names, and every time I asked him for something, he'd say no, and I shouldn't have slept with my ex. I was miserable. Once our third baby was born, he FINALLY told me how he really felt. He said that he would never "cheat" on me, but he lusts after other women all the time, and if that's gonna be a problem with me, then we need to end this joke of a marriage. I literally just had the baby. She was only 3 weeks old. I was a stay at home mom, and he had a stable, good paying job. HOW WOULD I MAKE IT ON MY OWN??? I felt trapped. I wanted to leave, but I couldn't. So we agreed to stick it out. We started attending church, which seemed to help. But I guess it didn't. I felt like I could put our differences behind us, and everything would be ok, but when my baby was 6 months old, he told me that we need to have a "talk". During that talk, we calmly agreed to end our marriage. We were both crying, and it was the hardest decision I've ever made. We were married for 7 years. We were too young and immature to make it work. I'm proud of myself for being able to write this out and not cry. I still love him, and I have to see him to exchange children, which is hard. I have so many insecurities now that I'm carrying into my new relationship, and it makes it really hard. I'm SO afraid of getting my heart broken again. It hurts SO bad! There is a story to explain my situation with my boyfriend, but I'll put that in another thread. I don't have time right now, and I'm sure no one would sit any longer and read this anyway! Thanks to anyone who took the time to read this. Just writing it out makes me feel better...

[Charly22]

I can so relate to everything you have just explained. I can see how you tried to please him, felt compelled to be on the same level. I too sought "revenge" after being hurt time after time. I too, tried the "if ya can't beat 'em join 'em" game. Only to be taken advantage of, agreements and promises broken and years and years of hurt building up and bursting out of the seems.

I kept my feelings inside and never wanted to "shame" my husband by talking about the problem with anyone in my family, or put him in a bad light in order to talk with my friends. He is a wonderful man, but I could not get past the severity of his addiction and habits.

I'm proud that you came here to let your feelings out. I kept my inside until my body started experiencing anxiety and stress symptoms and I had no clue what was happening to me. I began living in fear all the time. It consumes. So...ya see....their obsession can consume us....and eat us alive inside.

Keep letting it out. This can only be healthy for you. I know how you feel right now. And I hope what I'm getting ready to say does not make you feel like I am making light of your feelings........this would have happened no matter who his girlfriend was. It is an individual problem within him, and has nothing to do with you. But, that don't make it hurt any less.

And now..here you are...facing it again with a new partner. It is very disheartening to me how many people are dealing with this problem. But keep researching about porn and sex addiction. It is good that you are here venting. Because either you will be willing to find a way to be VERY understanding, patient, forgiving, or you will drive yourself into the ground, you will sacrifice your own sanity and health...please don't allow that.......glad you have shared.

There is a forum for significant others, I think that is where you should continue your story......

[SoinLove]

Thanks for your encouraging words! I didn't realize there's a seperate area for SO's... oops! Thanks for pointing that out! :-o

[SoinLove]

Ok, so here's the deal in my new relationship. My boyfriend and I have been very close friends for about 5 years now. I've known his ex's, and he's known mine. We've seen a lot of things that have happened in our previous relationships, including pn problems. He saw everything I went through with my ex, and how badly it hurt me. In fact, I was staying with him and his wife the first time me and hubby split. I've also seen the problem with it in his relationship, although I had no idea to what extent, but I knew he kept getting caught looking at pn, and it hurt his wife really bad. But she was a bad person, and she was terrible to him, so I didn't think it was all that bad.

This past Dec. I told him how I felt about him, and he told me he felt the same way. His wife had left him back in October, and my marriage was coming to an end. I've loved him for so long, and kept it inside me. It felt so good to tell him how I feel. It was such a beautiful thing to go from having a deep bond, and close friendship, to being together and becoming lovers.

Now, because of my experience with me ex, I came to think that EVERY man looks at pn, and that no matter who I get with it will be a problem. I just need to be thankful if that's all he does, and he doesn't go to strip clubs or cheat on me. I had let it go. I learned that there's more important things in relationships that define wheather or not you'll be happy together, and I LET IT GO. I really didn't care... as long as I didn't know about it, and it was behind my back. So because of this, it didn't matter to me that my boyfriend had a pn problem. I let it go. Things changed though, when HE CAME TO ME, and said that he knows how I feel about the matter, and he won't do that to me... he can't. It's not fair to hurt me over a selfish thing that he can control. So now the old me was coming back, with all my insecurities. I had hope of actually being in a relationship with no pn, but I became SO SCARED of it happening and getting ruined! I don't want my heart broken again!!!

I find myself checking up on him, and I feel like I don't trust him. Part of the reason is that I've caught him lieing to me a few times already, and he told me he has a hard time being honest. He's told me how badly he wants to look at it, and then a few days later he has a hard time getting it up when we're trying to have sex, and then I atomaticly thing he's been looking at pn that day. It's so hard, and it's really depressing. I just want to let it go. And I did to a certain extent. I told him that it wasn't fair to punish him because of what my ex did to me, or what he did to his ex. I said that as far as I know he's never done it to me. He deserves a clean slate. I felt bad for doubting him, and I told him I wouldn't question him again. But it did still bother me, and I still have my thoughts bothering me. It's amazing how badly this problem effects the so of a pa. I see so many women on here that are so crushed and depressed and discouraged. It causes serious problems with us, and it saddens me. I feel like I'm just so messed up, and I don't know how to handle it.

[SoinLove]

We've been talking about marriage lately. I even bought a dress because I fell in love with one, and it was a great price. When I got the dress, he kind of freaked out. He said that he's afraid he will look at pn again, and break my heart, and it would be easier to just break up than to go through another divorce (we're both divorcees). I felt sick to my stomach and I wanted to cry. I felt like he basically just told me he thinks the pn will get the better of him some day, and we'll break up. I felt like I wasn't important enough to him. I felt like we should just end it right now rather than investing more time into a relationship he's not willing to make work. Then I felt like it didn't matter. Even if he did eventually look at it, I wouldn't leave him. I love him so much, and we're so great together. It's not that big of a deal. But then I remembered what happened in my previous relationship, and how my love changed for him. I can't be in another relationship like that. It was terrible.

He told me that he wants to get help, and he wants to change his ways. He just has a hard time telling me he won't do it to me, because he did it to his ex. He's never quit before, and he's afraid he can't.

I know he's making great steps here. I'm so proud of him, and it gives me faith. At the same time though, I'm so scared! And I have a really hard time believing he hasn't done it to me already. He says he hasn't, but my gut tells me he has... really strongly. I have a hard time letting that go. I want him to be totally open and honest with me.

He promised that if he does ever relapse, he'll tell me. That makes me feel better, and helps me let go. I'm just SO SCARED! This issuse is so tender with me. I just love him so much! More than any man I've ever loved, and we're so perfect together! I'm just so afraid that pn will tear us apart!What can I do? There's nothing I can do because this is his problem, and I have NO control over it. I just have to go along for the ride and hope he doesn't crash us into a wall. How do I deal with this? I feel so lost and confused and frustrated ~X(

[SoinLove]

On Thursday night (our 6 month anniversary) I checked the history on his ipod touch (look out for those!) and found porn on it. I was so shocked and hurt, to put it lightly. The part that hurt the most was the fact that he lied and manipulated me to believe that he truely wasn't looking at anything. He swore on us to me just Tuesday (one of the days he looked at it) that he has never looked at since we've been together. I'm trying to look at this more positive right now. I've already vented, and it's been 4 days now, so I'm not going to go into anymore detail because it will bring me down again, and that's the last thing I need. I know it's an addiction, and he didn't do it to hurt me. The lies were actually his way of showing love for me. He didn't want to hurt me. He did what he did because he slipped up, and he didn't want to break my heart, so he lied about it. I was so close to leaving him. I really felt like I had to because of what we both went through in our previous relationships. But we're different together than our last relationships. We have a much stronger connection and bond with each other than me and my ex, or him and his, so it will be different. I know it! He begged me for a second chance, and I'm giving it to him. I forgive him, and I love him. I'm having a hard time making love to him right now though. I try, but the pain comes back to me every time we do, and it's a turn off. I really hope that passes, because it's so wonderful to be able to connect that way with the person you love.

I have so many conflicting feelings right now. So much pain I'm trying to forget about. God, I love that man so much. I want to marry him so bad. I want to be with him forever. I know we can get through this. We'll be stronger and closer in the end of this storm, I just know it...

[SoinLove]

Well, we had a great day yesterday. I felt much better, and he didn't have any temptations all day! Before bed time, we were talking things out some more, and we both made it to a new level I think. A new realization for me, and a weight lifted for him...

I've come to a point of peace in my mind. I know that he has been trying to stop this whole time, and what happened was a relapse. I knew something was going on, so I asked and asked and never let it go. He felt bad about what he did, and he didn't want to hurt me so he lied to me. He did what he felt was right. It of course wasn't the right thing to do, but knowing he did it to protect my feelings makes me feel a little better. I can tell he felt really guilty, because he acts so different now. He acts like he feels better. On one hand, I'm thinking, "what the hell? I've been hurt really bad, almost left him, and he feels better?", but then of course I'm also thinking it's great to see how guilty he felt. He knew it was wrong and he felt bad about it. That's a great basis for changing. I know this isn't about me, and that he's the one in control. This is his fight, and I'll be by his side supporting him through it, but I can't fight it for him. I still want to marry him, but only if he can get passed this, and passed the addiction, and stops lying to me. I can't marry him with this extreme dishonesty. So I told him just that. I told him that I'm not going to even talk about marriage with him because I don't want him to feel pressured. If or when he gets passed this (and only he knows if he has or not), and he feels ready to marry me, get down on one knee and ask me. But don't marry me like this. I don't want to marry him like this. He agreed, and I could tell by the look in his eye that he's so very determined to marry me, which makes me feel wonderful.

So anyway, back to my original point...

One thing I have a hard time with is the thought of him relapsing. I just feel like, if he's really determined to do this, he CAN control it! I'm trying to except it of course, because I know the chances of it happening again are there, but I'm just having a hard time with the thought of it. Everyone on here acts like relapses aren't a big deal, and don't get down on yourself, just start over. That's just hard for me to except.
Well, last night, he told me (without even talking about relapses) that he doesn't think relapses are ok. He said it's not ok to relapse, and he doesn't plan on relapsing. That was HUGE for me. It felt so good to hear him say that! I told him how I felt, and I also said that to me, if I'm addicted to something, that would be a reasoning point in my mind to "slip" up. I'd be tempted to do it, and then I'd be like, "well it's been so long, I'll just do it this once.. a relapse, and it'll be ok". He said he felt the same way. Then I told him that I know that relapsing is a common part of getting through an addiction, but the way I see it is that he already relapsed. He's been trying to quit since we got together, and the past few incedents were relapses that he was afraid to tell me about, and now he's past the relapsing point. The more serious point that requires active fighting and action. The look on his face... he was so relieved to here me say that! He said it was so great to here that. He was so happy. I think he was afraid that I just thought he'd been doing it this whole time, with no remorse, and not even trying to stop. That he's just some jerk who doesn't care about me or our relationship. That's not it at all. I don't feel that way, and I'm so glad I was able to relay that to him last night. The more I can boost his confidence the better! I want to see him win this battle! I want to see the changes it makes in him... watching him become a stronger, honest, confident person.... I've dreamed of seeing that for years, and I can't wait to finally see that happen!\:D/

[SoinLove]

I feel really bad. I did something I shouldn't have. I'm supposed to be strong for him and keep his thoughts off of p, and I did the exact opposite today. ~X( I've been struggling with something, and it hit me really hard last night and this morning...

I'll try not to get into too much detail here, but there's a certain type of p that I've always enjoyed looking at. It happens to be the same type that my bf is into, and back a few years ago when we were only friends, we looked at some of it together. I've been really wanting to look at it with him the past few months, but every time I asked he said he was scared to, and he didn't want to bring that into his life. He's trying to quit looking at that stuff, and he thinks that looking at it with will just make it harder on him. I excepted that and just made it clear that if he changed his mind to let me know, and at that time he also said that if it's getting too hard for him to not look at p, he'd let me know and we can work something out.

So here's my problem...
I'm a little jealous and resentful that he's looked at it and I wasn't able to. Like I said, I enjoy it, and really wanted to share that with him. I still do. I just don't think it's fair that I sacrificed that for him, and then he went and did it without me. I talked to him about it, and I'm trying to find out if it would still be an option to look at it with him or not. Well, our conversation went into his past, and the abuse he went through, and he got really upset. I feel terrible. And of course I made him feel terrible. He's just not comfortable with looking at it with me, and we're both scared that it'll make him get out of control again. I know I just have to except that we won't be doing that together, and I too have to surpress my temtations. It's just really hard. I got used to it with my ex. Maybe I'm in some way addicted to it as well. idk It's just been a crappy day so far, and I feel awful for even bringing it up. :-q

[jerseygirl]

SoinLove ...

I think before you and your bf try and concur porn addiction ... I think you both need to decide what you want out of your relationship and where you want it to go.

If he is truly trying to eradicate porn from his life, you need to accept that and be supportive ... which means no porn, regardless if it's something that you like. If he was a raging alcoholic and was trying to stop, would you have a drink in front of him? Or keep it in the house?

Maybe you do have an addiction as well, since you speak of being 'tempted'. Have you both looked into some outside counseling? It sounds as if you both have had issues with past relationships and maybe that would help as well.

I do feel that you should determine what you want out of your relationship first and then map out a plan, that will work for both of you, on how to get there.

~jerseygirl~

[SoinLove]

So jersygirl... you say that we should determine what we want out of our relationship... we know we want marriage. We really want to be together the rest of our lives. What do you think would be the most logical thing to do? I'm just trying to figure out if the most realistic thing is to cut it out of our lives, or just... I guess except it? I really appreciate your advice. Thanks!