My ending and beginning.

[irritable]

I have been trying to deal with my husband's PA for the last 12 years on my own and I just can't do it anymore. When I was younger, my friends considered me a Pollyanna and incredibly naive. But, just recently a friend at work said to me in jest "wow, are you bitter!" and I realized it was true. It was my wake up call and what I want to be the end of this cycle of pain and betrayal I feel.

I never saw hardcore porn until I found my husband's. Is this true for anyone else? Most of the time I feel responsible for almost all of his PA, even though I know intellectually that I am not to blame (I am working on this! that's why I am here). This is one of my main stumbling blocks - I can't forgive him for introducing this filth into my life.

[Loving_FGL]

It is easy to become bitter during all of this, the hard part is not giving into the bitterness. For the record I haven't seen p although, I have been lucky and I haven't stumbled across my SO's stash either so...Listen to your brain its telling you the right thing in this instance, its not your fault that your husband does this. This is hard to believe, trying telling yourself that when you look in the mirror every morning, say to yourself "its not my fault." Maybe that will be the start of some of the healing you need. Good luck on your journey and welcome.

[Chey143]

I agree with both of you. I just can't get that I'm not somehow not good enough and never have been. He claims it was "easier". Easier for him I guess, but it makes me angry that he was stealing from our sex life because it was easier to please himself than to please me.
Forgiveness is hard for me too. And complete trust? How can you get that back when it was so easy for him to lie all these years... A lie of omission is very much a lie and he forgets that when we first got married and I found all those porn cookies and he'd lied about how they got there..he lied when the "need to know" argument came into our marriage..he wanted it that way and I threw a big fit and he agreed that that wouldn't work out....

[little_wife]

hi irritable and hugs >:D<
I know exactly what you mean. Although I'd seen playboy before, I'd never seen real, hardcore porn. I guess I was very nieve, I was raised in a fairly conservative family. Then again,the world was different almost 25 years ago. I just wanted someone to love, and to love me back. Yes, I feel this has changed me a great deal, and often I feel it's no longer worth the pain.

Hopefully, we, as spouses, can go on and let our lives not be about this. We ARE bigger then this issue and we didn't cause it.
Good luck to you irritable, regardless of whatever you end up doing.

[somehope]

All I can say is that it is easy to be bitter. This whole deal with p. makes me feel like the stereotypical wife. Thanks for the great comments and replies. This is my first post. Hope it works.

[heblamesme]

So sorry, honey!

We sound a lot alike. It sounds as though he's made you believe that you are naive and don't understand all this. My husband has called me "naive" and "sheltered" on many occasions. But, your FRIENDS! That is why I haven't told a soul outside of this site. I know it's time to talk to someone, but I'm not there yet.

YES! This is a problem, but it's HIS problem. Unfortunately, you'll feel as though you're picking up all the pieces, but HE did this. I don't think people understand how this can affect a marraige. I'm also very bitter about all this. I remember listening to a conversation where two women were discussing p. They were of the opinion that "all men look at p, no big deal." I flew OFF THE HANDLE!!! I told them that it absolutely IS a problem and even more of one that they'd been so brainwashed by their men. IT'S A PROBLEM IF HE'S NOT HAD SEX WITH YOU IN A FREAKING YEAR AND HAS MB INSTEAD!!!! I didn't say that, but my mind was screaming it. It's a problem!

The thing I love about this site is we don't have to be really alone. This is such a lonely thing for SO. But, we're here....and listening.

[little_wife]

Hi heblamesme,
I hadn't seen you for a while, and hope that you're doing okay. I hope you're still not having to keep this totally to yourself. It IS okay to discuss. i just wish you HAD told them ladies that! I wonder what they woulda said then?

But anyways, i WAS naive, but that ended a long, long time ago.