MY side of OUR story...

[Dazed_and_Confused0729]

Well like everyone says, there's two sides to every story. I will forewarn you that this will be long. I feel that in order to get a better understanding, our WHOLE story should be told. Well here's my side:

Well, I don't even know what to call him because technically we're not together right now. I guess I'll just call him DH. So DH and I have known each other for years upon years. We met in the 6th grade and we all hung out in a group that we still hang out with to this day.DH always put it out there to everyone from day 1 that *p* was not his cup of tea. In his opinion, it was disturbing, disgusting, and overall unapealing.
DH and I actually were a "couple" in middle school and were together for a little over 18 months. Around the 18 month mark, we took our relationship to a more physical level *which I know at our age is a little unreal, but we felt right about it* Anyways, a few months later out of the blue he broke up with me and then ensued a very VERY nasty break-up. Over the next year it was nothing but back and forth between us. Sometimes we were civil, sometimes I though we would get back together and then he would crush me again and we would be back at each others throats again. Finally, I moved to Las Vegas to live with my dad. Even after I moved there he taunted me. At one point wanting to get "back together" with me, and crushing me yet again a few days later. We didn't talk much after that. I would get a verbally abusive email from him, or IM's from him posing as someone else as he insulted me every once in a while, and then after I was there for about a year, he dropped off the face of the earth. Which to me was a good thing because I couldn't handle the abuse anymore and I just wanted to get over him.
So I moved on *sort of* and met someone after being in Vegas for about 6 months and him and I ended up moving in together when I was about 19 and I got pregant and we got married. Well around the time we moved in together, DH and I started talking again. Things were different this time. He wasn't a jerk or anything like that. So it was kind of nice to have my friend back. Well my marriage began to fall apart and I decided to seperate from my husband. In telling this to DH, he then informed me that he had always loved me and missed me all those years and had never really been with anyone else. I was taken for a loop and had all kinds of questions about why he treated me the way he did if he had "loved" me even during all of the BS he put me through. Basically he explained it as it was the age, and he was immature and was under the influence of peer pressure, etc.

So we ended up back together after I moved back to Chicago. Well after we were together for about 6 months I found out that there had been a couple of other girls in his life. I was kind of taken aback that he would lie to me about something so stupid. On a side note, I don't like being lied to. Period. When I get lied to I feel so betrayed, even with something so small. Why lie about anything really.
One day, I was on his computer and I decided that I was going to look for some of the youtube videos he always sent to me about his guitar stuff. So as I searched his history I can across TONS of links to *YP.com* I was REALLY taken aback then. I felt like I didn't know him at all. So I confronted him about it and I don't even remember what he said about it then. But I remember being hurt and upset. I told him that I didn't appreciate being lied to about it all these years. Because apparently he had done it for quite some time. Well he said that he would stop and I believed him. But of course I didn't trust him.
So about 2 months later, I was snooping *yes I admit it* and I found an odd link that was a pop up add or another free *P* site. I was so upset I left it and and handed him his computer and he flipped out on me saying he didn't know what it was and this and that. So I just left. I couldn't handle it. I knew he was lying. Well a few days later after things had calmed down and we really hadn't talked about it, I confronted him on it again. He said that it was a pop up add for a bit torrent site. Well I just wasn't buying it because of the way he was acting when I had confronted him on it originally. So I kept digging and he finally admitted it. Boy was I livid. He said that he didn't look because he felt too guilty and that was the only time. Things eventually calmed down after that... until a few months later I discovered that Google had their web history tool. And as I searched through that I found all of the searches he had done. And of course... he had lied to me. He had been looking all along even when he said that he had only looked that once, it was more than once. I was devestated yet again. How could he keep doing this to me? Lie after lie after lie. How could I trust ANYTHING he said!?!? As soon as brought him his computer he knew that I knew. So I gave him back the promise ring he gave to me. To me it just represented broken promises and lies, and I just couldn't look at it anymore. I also installed monitoring software on his computer. Of course once they get caught one way they learn to go around it. And of course, about a month later I found something... again. He had a back up hard drive chaulked full of P. His explaination was that he was going to get rid of it. when he "slipped" it was over a period of two days that he watched it. Then he deleted it. Well as far as I know.
The last time that I for sure know about is in April. He admitted this to me because I was hounding him about it again. I just had a gut feeling that he had been looking and he said that he had used his OTHER laptop and looked. That was it for me. After I had returned from my trip to get my daughter I told him that it was time we seperated. I can't be with someone I don't trust. I really can't. It hurts too much. I've tried helping him. I suggested therepy, I suggesting reading materials, websites, etc. And he just kept saying that he was fine and that he would stop. Well enough was enough for me. I had told him before the last two times that I would leave him if I found anymore and he even said that he would have wanted me to leave him. But everytime I found it he became desperate and begged for me to stay. And eventually I gave in. Every single time, except for this last time.
Now we're just friends, so to speak. He still is touchy with me, and kisses me and what not, and I really don't know how to feel about it. I love him, but I'm so hurt by him and I can't trust him at all. I'm so paranoid he's going to manipulate me and lie to me again. Sometimes I feel like maybe I should give him another chance or that we can get back together officially, but then again I end up find more stuff. I just get so disturbed by the things he used to watch. I just found a bunch of old CD's with more porn that he had saved. I just feel so dirty and used. I feel sick everytime I think about it. I feel like he's making an effort this time. He did admit this last time that he has an addiction, which I guess is the first step, but then again how do I really know he's not just saying that to satisfy me and keep me around. I'm so confused and lost and hurt. I just feel like no matter what I do it's going to end badly.

My side or our story... so far...:((=((~X(:-<

[gnein]

How could he keep doing this to me? Lie after lie after lie. How could I trust ANYTHING he said!?!? As soon as brought him his computer he knew that I knew. So I gave him back the promise ring he gave to me. To me it just represented broken promises and lies, and I just couldn't look at it anymore. I also installed monitoring software on his computer. Of course once they get caught one way they learn to go around it. And of course, about a month later I found something... again. He had a back up hard drive chaulked full of P. His explaination was that he was going to get rid of it. when he "slipped" it was over a period of two days that he watched it. Then he deleted it. Well as far as I know.
The last time that I for sure know about is in April. He admitted this to me because I was hounding him about it again. I just had a gut feeling that he had been looking and he said that he had used his OTHER laptop and looked. That was it for me. After I had returned from my trip to get my daughter I told him that it was time we seperated. I can't be with someone I don't trust. I really can't. It hurts too much. I've tried helping him. I suggested therepy, I suggesting reading materials, websites, etc. And he just kept saying that he was fine and that he would stop. Well enough was enough for me. I had told him before the last two times that I would leave him if I found anymore and he even said that he would have wanted me to leave him. But everytime I found it he became desperate and begged for me to stay. And eventually I gave in. Every single time, except for this last time.

Warning: this could be a bit harsh, but please give it some thought before you respond.

I can't speak for anybody else, but personally, if I was in a relationship with someone who had lied to me repeatedly, and who I thought I could never trust, I'd probably leave and make a clean break, to the point where I would be blocking phone numbers, email addresses, facebook profiles etc. I read through your entire post (I read through posts like this to remind myself why P is bad and help strengthen my own resolve to get clean), and from what I can gather, there are more issues here than just his PA. It seems to be a whole history of lies and abuse.

Here's something else to consider: You said in your intro post that you're 23 years old. Why are you letting one bad relationship control your life like this? You said that you married another guy in Vegas, and then it fell apart, but the concern here is that it fell apart basically immediately after DH came back into your life. At 23 you have a lot of life to live, do you really need to waste it all worrying about this situation? If it was me, I'd be closing the door completely. Do you really want to spend the next 60 years or whatever's left of your life worrying about what he's been up to?

Finally, if you truly love DH, have you considered that in leaving you could actually be doing him a favour? From your post, and from my knowledge of the male psyche (the kind that comes from being a man for the last 32 years), he seems to be in a comfort zone where he figures you'll keep coming back no matter how much he cheats on you or how much he uses P. Maybe if he realises you aren't coming back, he'll think about making a genuine effort to clean up his act.

[Dazed_and_Confused0729]

On a side note... as I lay here in bed and ponder my non-stop thoughts that keep me awake till all hours of the night... *sigh* I also have to wonder if DH is addicted to not just P but SX as well? I say that because even with his PA, I kind of feel/felt like he was all over me ALL THE TIME. Sometimes I feel so pressured into being physical with him and since I found out about his secret I just don't feel right. There's been times where I've, well maybe not FORGOTTEN, but the times where I thought he wasn't looking or whatever and we were physical and things were great. But now, when he is touchy and kissy with me and tries to be physical I really just don't want anything to do with him like that. And like I said even when all of the P stuff was going on and I didn't know at the time, he was still all over me, trying to get me to have random "quickies" and what not. Now I wonder, was it me he wanted? Or was it the women we was just watching or watched last night?
And now that he's "stopped", he seems to be more aggressive to be physical with me. I feel like if I don't satisfy him then he'll eventually go back. But then again I may just fuel the fire by giving him that rush.
I also failed to mention that even during all of him watching P when I didn't know, he had P of him and I together, or of just me. That's really embarrasing to admit, but it's relevant? Maybe? I don't know.
He recently just lost his hard drive and all the contents including *our* pictures and what not and he's asking me to send them to him because I have some on my computer. Now granted I didn't use them the way he did, I just liked having the memories I guess. Now after coming to this realization that maybe it's not JUST P that he's addicted to, I'm thinking that those pictures should be deleted forever????
Am I right in my way of thinking????

Is this my fault???? Did I just fuel the fire???

[Dazed_and_Confused0729]

Warning: this could be a bit harsh, but please give it some thought before you respond.

I can't speak for anybody else, but personally, if I was in a relationship with someone who had lied to me repeatedly, and who I thought I could never trust, I'd probably leave and make a clean break, to the point where I would be blocking phone numbers, email addresses, facebook profiles etc. I read through your entire post (I read through posts like this to remind myself why P is bad and help strengthen my own resolve to get clean), and from what I can gather, there are more issues here than just his PA. It seems to be a whole history of lies and abuse.

Here's something else to consider: You said in your intro post that you're 23 years old. Why are you letting one bad relationship control your life like this? You said that you married another guy in Vegas, and then it fell apart, but the concern here is that it fell apart basically immediately after DH came back into your life. At 23 you have a lot of life to live, do you really need to waste it all worrying about this situation? If it was me, I'd be closing the door completely. Do you really want to spend the next 60 years or whatever's left of your life worrying about what he's been up to?

Finally, if you truly love DH, have you considered that in leaving you could actually be doing him a favour? From your post, and from my knowledge of the male psyche (the kind that comes from being a man for the last 32 years), he seems to be in a comfort zone where he figures you'll keep coming back no matter how much he cheats on you or how much he uses P. Maybe if he realises you aren't coming back, he'll think about making a genuine effort to clean up his act.

Not harsh at all. I get exactly what you mean. Granted my marriage fell apart before I started talking to him again. BELIEVE ME!! This is VERY difficult to deal with. While I haven't COMPLETELY left the picture, it's clear that we're not together. I've had to remind him several times. One reason that makes it harder to completely leave is my daughter. She loves him and calls him her second daddy. Hes been in her life since she was one.
Although I think he may have the true fear this time. Since our official separation/break up whatever, I have met a guy that I work with and him and I really clicked. Unfortunately, he himself just got out of a toxic relationship that lasted a long time as well and is having just as many emotional issues as myself so we're just friends. I wasn't going to lie or hide it from DH so I told him about my friend at work. I know that sounds like I was trying to make him jealous or "motivate" him by that, but that's not it at all. I firmly believe in being honest, not matter what the truth. I would rather have someone close to me tell me that they really hated my guts TO MY FACE, rather than hear it from someone else, or get the info from someplace else. It just makes it worse for me.
Anyways, I know he's not too keen on the idea that there someone out there who has an interest in me and has made that plain as day and tells me that he's petrified of losing me forever. I've had to remind him day after day that I can't tell him what will happen 10 days, months, or years from now. He may become fully P and SX addiction free and I could learn to trust him again and we could live happily ever after. OR, I could just decide I cant be in a relationship with him...ever.
Yes I'm only 23 years old *going on 24* but I've been through a lot in my life in such a short period of time I may as well be 35-40 years old. I've been married, divorced, dealing with a mother who is/was a drug addict and bulimic, being a single mom, etc etc.
I do love DH but I am so scared of being hurt again. I've been hurt and stamped on too much in my life. I know that sounds all "woe is me" but it's true. My father semi-abandonded me the day his wife slapped me in the face in front of my child and my little sister. As far as I'm concerned that's his family now, I'm just the child from his other marriage. My mother is a recovering drug addict and doesn't need my BS to bring her down into a relapse. My friends are all too far away for the support I need. So I'm pretty much alone, because the family I live with is too involved in their own lives to want to help out anyone else.
Part of the reason that I may continue to just deal with this is because maybe I don't want it to fail like everything else. The only thing I really have going is my daughter, and if my EX gets HIS way I may not even have that for much longer.
It's all very confusing to me. I go back and forth, up and down constantly. I'm just living one day at a time I guess.
I'm really not looking for a pity party or anything like that. Just venting and giving a little more insite to who I am so maybe it'll make things a little easier to understand.:-s

[Loving_FGL]

I agree with Gnein I think a clean break from DH would be the best thing. I know it might be hard for your daughter but I think it is the best thing for both of you. I am sure you don't want your daughter to be pre-exposed to any of this stuff and staying with DH could make that happen especially if his addiction is more serious than you think it is. Just something to think about, good luck.

[Dazed_and_Confused0729]

I guess I'm a little confused. With everything else I've read, everyone says that leaving is the worst thing you can do and that you should stay and support your SA. Is that only for the married people? Because we're not married, I should leave? I mean from what I've read and seen, he's no different than a married PA. The lies, the addiction, etc. The abuse from younger years has been dealt with. We were both young and immature. How we were then is not how our relationship was in the present.

I can understand where all of your are coming from, and I semi-agree with you about leaving him. Which is why I pretty much have. As far as we're concerned, we're just friends, and I have set my boundaries.

This is something that has consumed my thoughts... I want to completely cut him off and say goodbye forever, but then again I don't want to lose what we had... *tear* even if it was fake...

[gnein]

I guess I'm a little confused. With everything else I've read, everyone says that leaving is the worst thing you can do and that you should stay and support your SA. Is that only for the married people? Because we're not married, I should leave? I mean from what I've read and seen, he's no different than a married PA. The lies, the addiction, etc. The abuse from younger years has been dealt with. We were both young and immature. How we were then is not how our relationship was in the present.

I think it's really a question of whether he really wants to stop, and from my reading of your post, I'm not sure he does. There's an old saying about how you can lead a horse to water, but you can't make it drink, and I think it applies here, too. You can tell him that you'd like him to quit, and how much it upsets you, you can suggest counselling or other resources, but only he can decide to actually do it.

If he's constantly lying to you about it, if he's constantly promising to quit and not actually making the effort, then it sounds like he hasn't decided to do it, meaning that your only options are either accept his issues or move on. By all means, stay around and support him if he makes the decision to quit and does so with total honesty, but if he won't make that decision then you aren't going to refine him.

The other thing to consider is the fact that you now have a daughter to take care of. Do you want her exposed to whatever he's doing? Or whatever it might lead to in the future? As I said before, this is a case where moving on might actually help DH more than it harms him. If he thinks you're going to effectively tolerate his behaviour by forgiving every lie he tells, then he won't change, but if he realises that you aren't going to deal with it, he might. Besides, at your age, you have plenty of time left to find whatever you had with DH again, even if it's with another man.

[Charly22]

Whether you stay by his side or walk away is only for YOU to decide, noone else! But, when it comes to addiction, support is needed. Are you willing to go through the turmoil that will come along with that? Are you ready to be patient, and understanding way beyond anything that you have probably ever had to deal with?
That's what will be required. I am sure you have seen first hand the behavior that addiction causes. While they may truly mean it with all their heart when they say "I'll never do it again".....the tables will turn on them in a heartbeat, and they will need forgiveness, structure, you will need to set your boundaries, and be tough and loving at the same time. A most difficult thing to do. Especially while you need to be available 24/7 for your daughter.

So....this is not something that you can demand be dealt with in one night, and see results the next day and every day after that. It will be a process. A process of success and failure. And encourging to keep on trying....until...little by little, day by day, month by month, small changes turn into a way of life over time.

Is the love you have shared worth the struggle you will face? Do you believe he will put you and your daughter above all? Even though he might slip and have to pick himself back up again, with your help? Do you believe he is aware of the damage this type of behavior will do? Don't be hasty......take your time.....be certain of YOURSELF and what it is that YOU want and need. Noone else should decide this for you.

[Dazed_and_Confused0729]

HE wants to emotional roller coaster to stop. HE wants things the way they used to be. Ok, so what!? I'M supposed to be understanding and supportive of what he's going through, and when I withdraw and go into myself because of what I'M going through I get an emotional beating from him. Here's a nice little snip-it from a conversation of ours:

"-M**** it's just everyone else in my life casts me out and doesn't want anything to do with me... I never though you would be that way too
-...dont get started on what we thought we would never do to each other
-Yeah well I as much as I did to you... There were still expectations from my side too"

Are...you...serious!? BTW MY comment was not about his addiction. I was talking about a situation from last weekend that he put me in. It's a REALLY long story and am too frustrated to get into a whole lot of detail, but maybe later after I calm down I'll explain it.

I haven't cast him out. I still talk to him for crying out loud. At this point he's lucky he has that. I try and try to be understanding and then he spout of ridiculous crap like that. From a comment like that, he's making this all about him. Ok, I understand he's the one with the addiction, but I'm not going to bend over backwards for him, take him back and every time he slips up, just giggle and say it's ok, maybe next time! If he can't understand what I'M going through as well then what are we doing?

This isn't all about him. I'm sorry but I'm feeling really upset because he makes it seem like "oh I have the addiction. Feel bad for me and do everything that I want and expect of you. Love me, be with me, hug me, kiss me" etc.

Why do I bother? I can't believe I considered really trying and giving it my all. No, it's all about him and he wants me to feel sorry that he has an addiction.

Whatever...

~X(~X(x-(x-(

[Dazed_and_Confused0729]

So this is the letter I got from him tonight. We had a blow out and I just couldn't talk to him anymore because it was going no where. I still haven't talked to him but I'm much to tired and drained...

"Hey, I want you to know something. It's never all about me, I'm just trying to explain to you what I'm going through too. Just because I say things doesn't mean I don't worry about you.

Hell, I wouldn't want you to be with me right now, I just think shutting me out more is going to make it worse for me and I would like to at least feel accepted. I know that given what I've done it is difficult to open yourself up to me but put yourself in my shoes. I see you last weekend and you seem somewhat happy or at least personable and then as soon as you get home it turns around on me. This always happens, I don't understand it because it feels like I take two steps forward and one back.

I know you and I are going to be on this emotional roller coaster thing for a while but I want to feel like we are friends throughout it, not like we are both pushing and shoving. I know it's difficult for you to communicate over the phone or see me on the webcam at times. I just got frustrated because it seems like I've been through this before. Everything seems normal one minute and then the next it's not. It's stressful. When I approach you about it I can't help but enflame the situation so I need to slow it down and think more rationally.

I hope you can find it in your heart to understand why I am the way I am right now. It's not all about me though. I want you to be happy and comfortable too, but I hope I'm a piece of that picture. It's important to me that you can see me as a person and not just this walking heartbreak in your life. I know I can seem that way to you but thats not the goal. I just want to be there for you again some day and to make you feel loved and cared for. The fact that you are still here for me gives me great comfort I just need to learn to accept the rigorous emotions we are going through right now and stop putting more stress and strain on the branch that joins us at this point in time.

I appologize for my behavior earlier. I understand if you don't want to talk for a few days. I just wanted to let you know that I will be at K*****'s party if you choose not to talk to me. I love you with everything I have--even if you don't feel like you can love me.

With Love & Respect,
DH"

so yeah... drained. Physically and emotionally... don't know what else to say...:-<