Sex, intimate photos, swinging, porn and betrayal!

[One day at a time]

I had an unconventional childhood to say the least. I went through kidnapping, physical abuse, sexual abuse, abandonment and went from extreme poverty to middle class living. My mother kidnapped me from my father, I was physically abused my my stepmother and nanny as a child, I was sexually abused by a family friend at the age of 7, lived in a car for years with my brothers and mother then moved into a 2 story home to only have my mother abandon me and my brother at the age of 14.

I had everything to be an addictive person. All the excuses to use drugs, alcohol or sex to make me feel better about my problems, but I didn't and have always been so proud of that. Recently I discovered that as tough as I thought I was I did have an addiction, problematic men. All the men I dated or had a serious relationship with were either really controlling and had an unexplainable urge to control everything I did or had an unhealthy obsession of me. Some had addictions to cigarettes, some to alcohol and now I'm married to a PA.

I never knew they had these problems when we started dating and it was always something that I found out throughout the relationship. I went to therapy for years for all my childhood problems especially the sexual abuse.

My husband is now seeing my old therapist to try to fix his problems. and I feel that seeing my old therapist might help him see how much this has hurt me. I have serious abandonment issues and did EVERYTHING possible to make him happy in this marriage, even swinging. When I finally had the guts to tell him that I didn't want to do it anymore he took my personal photos from our swinging and sent them to complete strangers to get off on their comments. He did all this behind my back and I only found out when an ex-boyfriend called me telling me he saw pictures of me all over the internet. This isn't the first time this has happened, but he told me the first time wasn't his fault. I'm trying my best to be supportive but I feel betrayed beyond compare.

[gnein]

I never knew they had these problems when we started dating and it was always something that I found out throughout the relationship. I went to therapy for years for all my childhood problems especially the sexual abuse.

My husband is now seeing my old therapist to try to fix his problems. and I feel that seeing my old therapist might help him see how much this has hurt me. I have serious abandonment issues and did EVERYTHING possible to make him happy in this marriage, even swinging. When I finally had the guts to tell him that I didn't want to do it anymore he took my personal photos from our swinging and sent them to complete strangers to get off on their comments. He did all this behind my back and I only found out when an ex-boyfriend called me telling me he saw pictures of me all over the internet. This isn't the first time this has happened, but he told me the first time wasn't his fault. I'm trying my best to be supportive but I feel betrayed beyond compare.

Firstly, let me say welcome to the forum. It's a great place with some very supportive people here.

You mightn't like what I have to say in this post, but if this guy is sending explicit photos of you to strangers without your permission, then blaming YOU for it (or indeed blaming anyone other than himself), you really should think about leaving him. By all means support him if he wants to get over his PA and other issues, but only he can make the decision to do that, and the first step is admitting responsibility on his part. If he won't take that responsibility, it's not going to get any better.

[One day at a time]

The first time it happened was right before our honeymoon. A friend of mine called me saying he saw intimate pictures of me on the internet. I called my husband in tears to tell him what happened and we came to the conclusion that someone had hacked into his computer. It was devastating to have friends and eve some family members calling me about the photos but after we moved (something we were going to do anyways) it seemed to get a little better. My husband started to get off on the comments people would make about my photos and he kept on hinting that it would be extremely sexy to add a person to the "party", so to speak. At first I thought he was kidding but after the continuous hints here and there I knew he was serious. His whole fetish was to see me with another man and have it on photos so he could MB to it later. Looking back on it I really don't know why I agreed to it besides the fact that I was afraid to loose him. We did the whole swinging thing for a while if you can call it that since I was the one sleeping with other men and he just took the pictures. Sometimes he would join in but it was rare. I didn't like doing it but I was so afraid he would leave me if I didn't and I was afraid that if I didn't do it then he would end up looking for someone else down the road. We did this for around 2 years. I never wanted to see the pictures afterwards, I never kept them on my computer and I told him several times that I didn't even enjoy the sex. I did like the attention of having someone around since I was new to the country, didn't have any friends and for the most part of it was alone at home.

Well I finally got the guts to tell him I wanted to stop and I wanted him to get rid of all the photos. He told me he did and I believed him. More photos ended up on the internet somehow and it was dejavu all over again, but this time the truth came out....

[One day at a time]

He knows he has a serious problem and that he has scared me for life. I found out that the first time it happened was from his lack of carefulness with a program called limewire. It was set to share all since before he met me and then when he put photos of me on his computer he forgot about that and it gave anyone and everyone access to his whole computer including the photos. Now he knows that he was the only one to blame for that one.

The second time was the worst since I had asked him to delete my photos and that it would be devastating for my career if they got out again, but he thought with his lower head instead of his top one. He shared the pictures with strangers and it's no wonder that they would put them on the internet.

I had to quit my job as a teacher because I didn't want any parents to get offended or angry. The photos seemed to appear on more internet sites of my own country than on the one where I live now but it's still too risky and if I were a parent I wouldn't want my kids teacher to be naked on the internet. I come from a very macho country and I'm very afraid to go back to visit and have someone recognize me not only for the comments they would make but even for my own safety.

My husband is trying everything possible to get help with his addiction. He's been going to therapy, 12step programs and even joined this website. He feels like an ass and doesn't understand why he did any of it. I'm trying my best to be supportive but I feel like I need support as well. In a flash of an eye I have lost my career, my self image, my self esteem and any trust I ever had in anyone. I still love him and I believe in the vowels I made when I got married, but it's really tough right now.

[Charly22]

First of all, I commend you for coming here and posting the truth. And getting this stuff out in the open. And nothing says it better than what you've already said...you play with fire, you get burned. Tough lesson. For all of us.

Be proud that you have stood your ground. Be proud of your husb for making the efforts he has. This is the sticky part. No perfect answers for what will be best for the two of you. I just wanted you to know that I think its awesome that you are here...and that someone was "listening".

I think the most important thing right now is to make sure you are protecting yourself, setting your boundaries, and not settling in order to please him. Sure this is something you regret at this point in time. Now we can only pray that he will regret it as well. And if you learn all you can about sex addiction, even co-addiction, you will have your eyes wide open and will find new ground to stand.

[FoolishMind]

Dear One Day At A Time, While your story shocks me, I am yet more shocked but the strength you have to share your story in the effort to help yourself, your relationship, and many others on this site. Thank You.

It is hugely clear that your love for your husband is second to none, and I sincerely admire you for standing by him to assist in his recovery as well as your own. People can change, whilst I fully appreciate scars will always remain and serve as a reminder, if things do change for the better, those reminders can become to serve as reminders of how you can look forward to a better life if your husband truly wants to change and truly understands why he should change.

As a PA myself I know only too well how selfish this addiction is, and I am fully aware of the damages it causes for those around us especially our nearest and dearest. At this stage you are clearly hurting and rightly so, but right now you need to focus on yourself, Your husband is doing the right thing in seeking help and this site can help him massively if he truly engrosses himself in it to gain maximum output. You have shown him the way to gain help, and shown him the tools he needs to open his eyes to the real world. So now you really must focus on yourself and concentrate on building your own self esteem and confidence. Realise the respect you deserve and make it clear that you will continue request that level of respect to be maintained.

I can only speak for myself, but im sure many will agree that as a PA many many times have I begged for forgiveness, and cried and changed my ways for a short period of time, but as things get "cushy" and relaxed, I would tend to slip back and edge into bad things again. Its a vicious circle and all the symptoms of addiction. Be strong, use this site yourself, ask questions, and know that you have the support of friends here that will only look to help you and your husband seperatley to rebuild yourselves.

Thank you again for sharing and I sincerely wish you the best.

FM

[One day at a time]

Thank you Gnein, Folish Mind and Charly22 for taking your time to read and reply to my journal. It helps allot to have someone to talk to about this since it isn't exactly something you want to share with your family or even your friends. I don't know anybody here where I live and my husband has been my best friend and confidant since we got married, but I don't feel he needs all this thrown on his face again. He knows what he's done and he is not proud of it and I know this is hard for him too. The only friends I do talk to about this were the ones who saw the pictures and called me to warn me. I don't even have to say how embarrassing it is to get a phone call from friends and family asking why you have naked pictures and even worse pictures of actual intercourse all over the internet.

The days that I don't think about it I'm fine, but there are days that I have nightmares about the whole thing and I feel like burring my head in a hole. I feel like I got the short end of the stick in this whole situation. He didn't send pictures of himself, just of me or of me and other men. It's only my image that's ruined plus if anyone from his family sees this they might even think I'm cheating on him which is far from the truth. I'm very glad and proud that he is trying to fix everything and I hope he does, but the hurt is still there and the damage is done.

[One day at a time]

My husband and I have been trying to make our sex life more personal by eliminating his old habit of MB. We had already made a deal of no more porn but we figured that part of the problem was his constant MB which he would do several times a day. It takes a big toll on our sex life and it makes me feel like he just isn't that in to me.

We tried the whole no MB for a couple of days and it was great. The sex improved dramatically and it felt like our dating days. He had been great leading up to the day we had sex but the day after he slipped up. It made absolutely no sense to me how he could have been great for days leading up to the sex and then the day after slip up.

He came up with a new proposal. He wanted to try not only to go without MB but to go without sex. I'm willing to try anything to help him out at this point, but this affects me as well. We went 4 days really strong then he got extremely horny and was trying his hardest to convince me to have sex. We settled on just preliminaries on me as a compromise/loophole. He manage to hold himself and not MB and I was very proud of him, but the next day he woke up MB.

I think this whole 1 month challenge was bitting off more then he could chew. I feel like sex is definitely one of the triggers and I do think he needs a detox period from it. I feel like it it sucks for me when I have urges and he can't do anything without MB the next day.

This whole addiction and things he's done because of it already makes me have obvious trust issues with him and these challenges are just as important to him as they are to me. For me it's a chance for him to show me he can follow through with his word and regain some of the trust he lost. I feel so frustrated when he slips up and even worse... I feel helpless! ~X( HELP!!!!

[Loving_FGL]

I agree slip ups are the worst; because all you want to do is help but you can't and every time there is a slip up it hurts you personally. I coupe of things I do when there is a slip up, maybe these ideas can help you as well? I made a playlist on my ipod that I listen to only when my bf slips up the playlist starts out with songs that express all the emotions I feel, anger, disappointment, hurt, etc. The the playlist then has songs that help me to remember good times I have had with my bf and help me to remember who I am. Finally the playlist moves towards forgiveness and moving on. Additionally posting on this site about your feelings after a slip up is always helpful. Also I sometimes write in a personal journal about things I feel are too intimate to share on the web. Also I pray about it (i don't know what your religious beliefs are, but i find it helps). I also have a couple people who I can talk too face to face if necessary. Biggest thing is don't give up on him its gonna take time and a few more slip ups. Just do your best to take care of your needs and focus on moving on from the emotions you have as soon as possible. I hope that is helpful. Good Luck.

[gnein]

I think this whole 1 month challenge was bitting off more then he could chew. I feel like sex is definitely one of the triggers and I do think he needs a detox period from it. I feel like it it sucks for me when I have urges and he can't do anything without MB the next day.

I think you need to be careful about trying to do too much too soon, or trying to run before he can walk.

I was in a situation last year where I was regularly viewing P, calling phone sx lines, spending hours doing cyber sx in front of the computer and visting prostitutes semi-regularly. When I tried to quit all four at once, I found it extremely difficult to make any progress at all. What I found I had to do was try to phase them out one at a time, so out went the prostitutes (they were too expensive anyway) and cyber sx. Now I'm working on the other two and finally starting to see some progress.

The point I'm trying to make here is that as long as he's trying his best and making progress, it might help to cut him some slack occasionally. If he quits the P, and cuts back on the MB (even without eliminating it completely), that's still progress, and reason to be positive. I also think the MB will naturally reduce over time if he can stay awy from the P. That was certainly my experience, and I wasn't really worrying about MB.