Help

[hurtwife]

This is not my first post but will be a lot more open than my last one. I met my husband 3 yrs ago. We are both in our 40's and I thought I was intelligent until all this happened. I think looking back that I should have known early into our relationship that something was up. We had been together about 3 months maybe a little less when I woke up in the middle of the night and saw him mb while wathcing porn. I rolled over and cried myself to sleep. The next morning I told him how hurt I was and that if he was that horny he could have woke me up and I would have been very happy to help him out. He said this was soemthing he had been doing since he was a young man and he was not used to having someone around to help out. He said that mb when he was unable to sleep would relax him.
I knew he was watching porn at times because we would watch it together, to enhance things. Then at times I would catch him on the computer looking at pics and video and he would play it off.
There have been trust issues for me because of past men cheeting on me. I guess I should have listened to the saying do go looking if you are not prepared for what you might find. Well I found a suggestive email to a former coworker. He again said it was nothing, that was last Jan. we worked through that issue. Fast foward to this February( by the way I have been in school the last two years two nights a week and every Saturday) we had sex early in the morning and then I had to go off to school. I came home and thought all was wonderful. The next morning I was alone in the bedroom and I saw his phone, a mssg had just come in on it and I deceided to look through it, Much to my horror I saw several text mssgs to a woman that he claims is his friend. (She had been sending a lot of mssgs for the past two months, but he would never answer the text mssgs when I was with him.) There was naked pics of him and a lot of mssgs backa nd forth. A fight insuied and after a full day of feeling betrayed, cheeted, kicked in the stomach and all the other feelings that SO on here write about, he finally sent me an email about PA. Since that day I have been suffering in scilence. He barely touches me and sex is almost none exsiting. I get that this is an us problem but today I blew up at him because I have needs and I am tired of feeling that I come last and I know that when he comes up with excuses about why we are not having sex, he is on the computer looking at porn. I check his laptop at least weekly. I really hate the person I have become. I do not trust him at all and there are times I wish I had never met him. I love him and until Last Jan. I thought he was my soul mate and I thanked God every day for allowing him to come into my life. Now I am questioning who I am, and is this the way I want to live? He said today that he is not really looking at Porn all that much. He does not know I am checking up on him..........I am sorry it is so long.....Please help I need advice. I am having a real issue holding things together. Even my 5 yr old notices that things are not right, this morning he asked me why I seem so sad and angry? My husband said I seem to be miseralable and I need to do something to get over things because he can not undue what has been done and if things were so good why was I looking for something to beging with?

Thanks for reading and please help.

[Loving_FGL]

Welcome, I hope we are able to help you find what you are looking for. I hope this will be a place of refuge for you. I think you should sit down a talk to him about how you really feel without being condescending or accusing as best as you can. That would be the place where I would start. It sounds like you two need to have a good heart to heart. Maybe you want a neutral party involved such as a counselor, priest or pastor. It sounds like he doesn't understand that this is not cool, let him know what you have been up too. Tell him that lying to you isn't going to work b/c you know when he is lying to you. He needs to understand that he has a problem, right now he doesn't. You can guide him to see this or help him see this but you can't make him see this. Good Luck.

[SoinLove]

I would have to agree with loving fgl. You guys really need to have a deep serious convo. I know how you feel, and I'm so sorry you are going through this! It's such a terrible feeling. I hope it helps to know your not alone in this. He needs to realize he's tearing you two apart and he needs to work on changing, but the hard part is that he has to do it himself. You can't make him see that. My best advice though is try to be kind and understanding when you talk to him so you won't anger him when you have you talk. I wish you the best, and please keep us updated with the progress!