Miki's Adventure

[Miki]

Living this life is like walking through a field of mines. I grew up with an addict- and while I'm not surprised that I find now myself in a relationship with one, I feel so defeated. Once again, despite my experiences and education I have ignored all the red flags and gone against what I know, deeply and honestly, will keep me safe.

Instead I became enamored of what was new and shiny about this relationship. In many ways I feel that this relationship has been a healing one. I had made a commitment to myself that this time - this time - I would not run away. I would not see things as black or white, good and bad. When my relationship started I decided it was time to work on some old hurts and finally move on. And to some degree I have; on my own as well as with the support of my boyfriend - my best friend, my love, my life partner (oh, and some professional help as well).

But with each new day we have been together, a new secret, something horrible would surface about his behavior and his relationship to p. I told him that there was only one thing he could do that would make me want to stop trying. Well, it happened...

...and I'm still here. I am angry at him, but more angry at myself that I did not have the courage to leave.

Now he is away on business again and I know what comes of that. Stress, procrastination, stress, excuses, rationalizations, and eventually- p. And there is nothing I can do about it but try and let go.

I am tired of trying to figure this out on my own and need a place just to dump my emotions without having to make it sound intelligent or cohesive. I hope I can find it here.

I have read through many of the journals here, and I am impressed by not only the support, but also the way in which many of you have found your own solutions simply by using this website. You are my inspirations and I am looking forward to getting to know some of you better.

Thank you for listening,
Miki

[Loving_FGL]

Miki,
I think it is wonderful of you to feel comfortable enough with us to share with us things you are afraid of yourself. I hope you'll find the courage to do what you must do in your situation. Mostly though I hope that you indeed find what you need here. I hope we can be a sounding board for you good luck on your journey and welcome.

[Miki]

What he says:
"Thanks for all of your love and support. I'm glad we are building a life together."

What is going through my head:
"Scream!!! Don't you mean, 'Thanks for looking the other way'? or 'Thank you for keeping my secret'? or 'Thank you for being my tether when I act out (look at p) so I always know where to come back'?"

What I actually say back to him:
"I love you, of course I'll be here".

[Loving_FGL]

That is truly what it feels like sometimes. But, you do know that you don't have to look the other way when he screws up. Part of love in my opinion is know when to not look the other way and say hey you have an issue lets deal with it. Usually this is referred too as tough love and I think that all of us here have to go through that with our significant others from time to time. You can stand up for you and him. Whether he realizes it or not this is hurting you and you can't look the other way so don't. No one said you had too. So have courage look neither to the right nor to the left. Face the problem.

[Miki]

I feel nauseous.

I don't feel like I can trust my intuition anymore. He is away on business and had said that the internet in his hotel wasn't working, but I know he was online. He usually always calls me, but got a text late instead. The text was along the lines of what he says when he is feeling guilty. I assumed the worst, that he did look at p.

So I turned my phone off and went to bed, tried to sleep.

But he is stressed with business- and this is going to be an ongoing problem with him going away on business a lot. I don't know if I'll ever be able to trust this situation (him alone in a hotel room is where he had his last big slip). I will have a much easier time if I just learn to deal with it. Either it happened or it didn't. It was his choice, his action.

I need to concentrate on work- lots to do. But I feel like I'm going into full panic attack. Can't breath, feel sick, anxious...

[Miki]

Today is a great day. Not because he did not use p. I don't know, and I can't care.

But because today is the first day I am going to start my recovery from codendence. I am not going to let myself get into the panic I did yesterday.

Day 1

I am going to read the book I just bought about learning how to enjoy the self again.

I am going to kick ass at work today so I can take off early-

-and go spend time with friends.

I hope everyone has a good day with good works.

[johndonato]

Maybe he will surprise you....Jd

[Miki]

JD,

He is trying hard. I am very proud of him- I know that he wants to be free from this too. Unfortunately, I remain skeptical of the power of his addiction.

He's back in town. We have talked and I am as committed as ever to continue to see this through with him.

[Miki]

He claims that he has not been looking at it for over a week now. I want to be proud of him, and I know he's been tempted. But, today is Monday- that means back to a stressful work week for both of us. He may fall back into using p to avoid work/stress. He has no safety plan at the moment, no other coping mechanism to replace the old one.

I find myself frustrated that there is something about him that I will never, ever understand no matter how close, how in love, what best friends we are- How could he have let it go that far?

I think it might help to try and go to S-Anon meetings again. I did not have a good initial experience (I am spiritual, but not Christian. The meeting I went to was heavily Christian). However, it might give me a "container" during my week in which I can limit my worry concern, allow myself to only worry about this pa during that time so I can concentrate on my work and what I need to do.

Day 4 of trying to be codependency free...and struggling.

[Miki]

I am searching for the strength to be able to walk away if I need to.

Is it better for both of us if I do walk away?