My Story

[tanya_b]

Hi everyone. Im new to this site and just wanted to tell you my story. Well here goes..
I met my Bf of 3 years, on a dating site. I wa really just playing around, but we started talking, and I fell for him. We had so much in common. He told me before we met that he had a foot fetish. I thought about it, ad decided I was okay with that. Big deal right? Well we met, and shortly after fell in love. He asked almost everyday to move in and after 3 months I caved and said Yes.
Things werent easy, he lost his job, and I eventually lost mine. I knew evey guy wathches p. But I stared to notice that my cable bill was rising fast. When I read the bill there was 200.00 dollars of p movies. 5 or 6 a day.I talked to him about it, but things didnt really change.
So i decided to get the internet, because atleast it would be free. I got used to him whatching it.but soon It got worse, evry time I left the house or room, he would be on a p site. I eventually wrote him a letter saying I cant do this , it either me or P.
He said he will calm down, but not give it up completly. So more time went by, we both started working, and things were good i guess. Im mean I love him, so I thought i can deal with it. Lately though, its gotten really, bad. I work every weekend, and I know he likes this so he can have his ''alone time". It really bothers me. And he knows that, but doesnt sseem to care. So I am getting my wisdom teeth out this fri, and will be off this weekend to recoup. He got mad that I will be home all weekend. Saying that its A long stretch, and asked if i can leave the house for a bit on sat and sun. That was it for me. I was so mad, I didnt speak to him at all, and now just askes if Im still mad at him.
I really dont know what to do. I feel like he is always choosing P over me. I have been thinking about ending the relationship. I mean He complained recently that our sex life is dull, but I think it is because of his PA. Im losing attraction to because of this, because he is not the same person I fell in love with. I feel he wants nothing to do with me. I think I deserve better. I am going to write him a letter, and tell him how I feel, and that I need him to try and help himself, or I cant be in this relationship. Im so confused. I love him, but how can we go forward, with P being his 1st priority? Thanks so much for reading and listening, This is a great site. Thanks Again!

[Charly22]

Hi Tanya, it breaks my heart to hear what you are going through. I can relate with everything you have said. But it also scares me. Because I know and can see, after years and years of "allowing" my husb to have these habits, that I suppressed my own feelings and my own inner warnings, only to please him. I would always give in, and try to be lighthearted about it. And then I would get alone and a storm would brew inside of me and it would unleash in one way or another. In ways that were damaging to the relationship.....ways that were only damaging to myself....mentally and physically...as well as ways that were damaging to both of us.

Establish your boundaries NOW. Don't ever back down from what you heart of deep down hearts is telling you. I have allowed myself to live without respect. He may not see it that way, and will defend and justify to the end of the earth, but, in reality, that's what's happening.

You should not have to leave your house while recovering from surgery so he can do such a selfish act. Step back, examine everything, sometimes we get caught up and are not able to realize the truth. From the addicts point of view, as well as our own.

You deserve respect. You deserve to feel like you come first. You definitely should write a letter. He needs to know how this has made you feel. You should no longer allow the things that are making you feel this way. If he truly loves you, he will make room for you. You are in a tough place. I am glad you found this website. Stay strong and don't forget who you are.

[Loving_FGL]

Welcome Tanya,
I agree with Charly, get those boundaries down ASAP if you want help writing them I suggest this site it has a great advice/article on step by step "how to" write your boundaries. It lets you do that in a way that is affirmative but yet not mean or disrespectful to him. If you want the link let me know i'll send it to you.
Don't think that you deserve better than the way he is treating you, KNOW it. It might sound harsh but it really isn't, you are a unique human being that deserves to be treated as the lovely women that you were made to be. He needs to see this also, if he can't its his loss. Don't think for a moment that any of his pa is your fault.
I wish you best of luck.

[buscando]

You know, reading this and other posts on the network, it is surprising to me that girls put up with as much as they do. Good grief. I mean, he's not just living together (whatever happened to asking on bended knee for hand in marriage?), he's not just peeking at porn, he's actually paying, watching incessantly, while out of work!

[Miki]

Tanya,

I hope to see that you post again soon so we can hear how you have been doing on getting those boundaries set. I really appreciate Loving's statement about knowing you deserve better. The reason that PA is not just a "problem" but an addiction is because people continue to do it despite severe consequences: finances, lost relationships, problems with employment, health, etc. It sounds like your boyfriend is in the dangerous position of not recognizing the effect PA has on his life. You are way ahead of the game by realizing that you can take action to minimize the effect it has on your life.

I'm crossing my fingers for you,
~Miki