Moonbeams Journal SO

[Moonbeamtag]

Well, this is my second day on this site, and I have gained some valuable insight. I thank you all for your posts which has helped me so much to understand my SO PA. I still have burning questions, and right now am feeling so very depressed, and worthless to him. He has indicated to me that he doesn't have a problem, and that I need to get help. I expained that I am getting help, and that I am doing that by starting here.

I have watched, and tried to carefully listen to what he tells me, and how he tries to explain his addiction to p. He is in denial bigtime, and thinks that it is normal to mb to p after having s.. with me. He has told that our s.. was not totally satisfying to him. This is a horrible feeling to me, as I now realize that what DOES totally satisfy him is my getting out of the house or going to sleep, or staying in bed in the morning so he can carry on with what DOES satisfy him.

So...My questions revolve around this

1) Why does he lie ?
2) Why does he want me here ?
3) Why has his image of a loving relationship gotten so distorted ?
4) What am I going to do ?

Well, this is the beginning of my journal, and it does give me hope to see that so many of you have done so well in your journey. Mine has only just begun, and it looks like a long road...alone, at least in this house. Thank you for being here fo me.

Moon %-(

[Charly22]

I think the keyword that you even used yourself....DISTORTED. Thats what PA does to one's mind and sexuality. And please don't allow yourself to believe that it is your fault, or that you are not good enough, the fact that he was able to say to you "was not totally satisfying to him" is something that would've been spoken to ANYONE, not just you, because he is consumed with the selfish act of viewing and mb. No matter who his SO was at the present time, he would've still had the same answer. He is consumed in it and doesn't want anyone "butting in".

I think your first plan of action should be to learn all you can about P and S addiction. And realize it is not because you are lacking. If you research and learn all you can, you will come to realize this.

Next thing should be to write a letter explaining how his addiction is affecting you. Be honest. Even if it takes you days, weeks, whatever, to gather the courage to give it to him, you will feel better within yourself for getting your true feelings out. And, a letter allows the real stuff to be "spoken" without having to deal with defense, excuses, arguing.

Don't keep your anguish inside about this. You will become consumed as well if you do. This is most important, from my experience....please don't try to deal with it all on your own. This is a great place to start....and I am sorry for the turmoil you are experiencing.....there is hope.....even if it is just for you to find peace.....whether he ever admits it is a problem is another story.

[Charly22]

Also, you might want to start your journal in the "partners forum"

[Moonbeamtag]

Charley

Thank you for your advice. We actually did talk today as I was planning a letter. It was a 3 hour long conversation/argument about how I have made him feel so betrayed by spending my time here learning about PA, and that he doesn't understand how I could have such a "low opinion" of him to think he is a PA. I guess this may be a long road. I still think the letter devoid of confrontation is a good idea. At the moment he isn't speaking to me.

I've never been on a forum before so I guess I'm not sure how everything works here. I apologize if I posted in the wrong area. I will look for the partners forum.

Thank you again
Moon

[Rowlf]

Dang...I'm feeling like the outsider here for sure. I don't even want him to touch me after he has been online for p. Why would I feel the closeness, or the desire to please him when he hasn't considered my feelings at all...? The last thing I feel like doing is slipping into a sexy lingerie so he can pretend that I'm someone else.

I guess I expect something on a deeper level.... s isn't what it's all about. What about intimacy ?

Moonbeamtag,

Reading your story I would have to say that your attitude looks entirely sensible to me as a PA. For my money your SO is treating you with dis-respect and is really trapped in addictive patterns that mean he's not relating at all.

Intimacy happens when we let down our defences are are prepared to meet heart to heart. An addiction is all about personal control and serves to barricade us further and further inside ourselves - not actually in the real world where we can touch and connect with others at all.

This tenderness, sensitivity and vulnerability that so many of us feel as we move beyond the addiction in our recovery I think is the flip side of all of this.

I would seriously think about whether your SO is seeing you at all - and if not, then perhaps being prepared to value yourself more than than and look to your own health and recovery....

[Moonbeamtag]

Thank you for your post and support. I appreciate that so much.

Today, again attempted to talk to him about this problem and how it made me feel. Worthless, de-valued, not good enough, not loved or respected.

I asked him to at least come to the site and do some reading, sent him the links...now we'll see. I also asked about putting accountability feature on the computer. He thinks that shows him no respect or trust ( his feelings are hurt ) but he said "sure...go ahead, that way you can monitor me" " It isn't like I'm going to do it again anyway" My thought on that is....then there is nothing to fear.

He told me that he wanted s.. to be fun ! I asked him what that meant to him. He says...putting on lingerie, playing with toys, maybe some light bondage, or putting in a p movie that we can BOTH enjoy. Then he asked me what I want from s.. and I told him INTIMACY, the feeling of being loved and respected. In my hurt...this is what I need right now, NOT watching other people have s.. standing on thier heads ! I don't want to have to put on lingerie, and get blindfolded, or play a scenario of having multiple men c.. inside of me so that he can get off. AND I don't want to have to turn around, on hands and knees so he doesn't have to look at me because he can't reach orgasm any other way at times.

I just feel so sad right now. Going to go get dressed and try to get on with this day.

Thank you all for your words of wisdom and encouragement.

Blessings,
Moon

[Moonbeamtag]

Hi folks...

A new day, a better day. Heartfelt talking, tears, and more understanding on both of our parts. Feeling a little better, but exhausted..and I know that he is too. Looking forward to a quiet night, making dinner, and just relaxing....something that he and I haven't done for a week.

I hope that everyone had a good Valentine Day.

Blessings,
Moon

[Amanda788]

Hey Moon,
I just read your whole journal, and my heart goes out to you.
I completely relate to what your saying about wanting itamacy from sex. I think most women feel that way.
It sounds like your SO wants to act out the things he's seen in porn movies.
That's what bothers me about porn the most is that is distorts what sex should be between two people that love each other.

I think he could really benefit by joining this site. The recovering PAs support each other tremendously on this forum. It's great to see.

Anyway, I've got to get work but I hope that things go well for you today. I'll try to post more later.