Sick of trying

[Chey143]

It's been 17 days since the world crashed down around me and I know he's sorry (probably about getting caught more than anything) but I don't think he really gets how bad and why this hurts like it does. True, I'm sure he understands my tolerance of it and that I will indeed leave this marriage if he lies to me again. But that doesn't feel like caring - it feels like his self preservation.

I'm sick of feeling so alone - as if his part of the marriage problem is passed and he's moved on nicely and now expects that any day now I will wake up and this will all be behind me. I will be the happy, witty, lovely wife I always was. Thing is, I think that girl is gone. Maybe I should be more forgiving or something. I don't know. I just can't really get to the forgiving part because I'm still so hurt and angry.

[FairyG]

Chey, you're not alone. Not in the slightest, and not for an instant.

I know it's so hard not having anyone to talk to in person, especially when your previously closest confidant is the one who's caused all this pain and who you can't talk to about it properly...but you've got a whole host of people online here who know what you're going through and are here to listen when you need to vent. (Even if it takes some of us quite a while to #1 get online, #2 catch up on reading, and #3 respond to anything!)

From experience "should be more forgiving" is not an option - you are where you are, and wishing you were feeling "better" about everything won't actually make anything better. The fact is you were betrayed, and whether your husband understands that or not, nothing is going to make that hurt go away in an instant. The only things that can heal this kind of hurt are time and communication...and forgive me if I'm wrong, but it seems to me as if you have not had much of either since you found out about your husband's PA. Even with great communication, the first couple of months after you find out are going to be a rollercoaster ride of sheer hell on you - the distrust, the hurt, the anger, the grief, the loss, the fear...they aren't just going to go away. And if you add a lack of communication to the mix, things will probably seem for a long while to be completely unbearable.

However the seemingly unbearable is actually bearable, the loving relationship you once had is changed but not unachievable once more, and the trust you once took for granted is rebuildable. The happy, witty, lovely wife is also most likely not entirely gone. She is, however, well buried in a whole load of negative emotion right now, and if your husband wants her back I daresay he's going to have to communicate and prove himself to her in ways he hasn't even imagined yet. And if he's sincere about getting rid of porn, he's probably struggling to come to terms with (and thus talk to you about) just how serious his problem is and deal with the pain he's caused you.

Counselling - with the right counsellor - really is invaluable where two people are having trouble communicating and/or moving through pain. (Please note, it's moving THROUGH pain, not moving PAST it - it's not going to be easy, no matter what happens. But it is possible!).
Your husband may be unwilling to go to counselling because he is uncomfortable talking to someone about PA, especially if he doesn't really consider himself and addict (whether he is or not is irrelevant, until or unless he has admitted it himself). But even if you don't talk about his PA in a counselling session, it may well help with fixing communication issues that will enable you two to do what's needed to get things on the right track again.
If your husband isn't willing to go to counselling with you to talk either about his P problem or your (plural) communication problem, then find someone to go to without him! One of the worst things about PA is the secrecy of it all, as most people aren't able or willing to talk to anyone outside their marriage about it...and if you don't talk to anyone (including your hubby) it's really hard to gain perspective, and it's really hard to move on. So find someone to talk to...a professional may just have ways of looking at things that you haven't thought about yet.

It will take a long time to forgive, and an even longer time to trust. Don't kid yourself that it's going to happen overnight, or think that you "should" feel anything - that's not the way it works. But do try to take your emotion out of the equation as much as possible by using constructive methods to deal with what you're feeling - write (write, and then write some more! And did I mention, write?!), exercise, talk with a counsellor, meditate, pray...anything and everything that lets you process what you're going through, gain a bit of distance from the overwhelming parts of your emotions, and figure out what it is you're really angry about.

Hurt and anger will surface time and time again as you work through the aftermath of finding out about your husbands PA. You need to let it out - constructively - in ways so that he can understand how you feel without feeling so bombarded by it all that he goes off into his little 'man cave' and figures "what's the point, she'll never get over this anyway". And no, I'm not saying that your feelings are less relevant than his. It's more that if you either give in to your anger or try to deny it, it will eat at you until it takes over - and that's not a good way to save a marriage, heal yourself or protect a young son.

My husband didn't think he was addicted, didn't think he needed help, didn't want to talk about it. It took a lot of writing on my part and a lot of reading on his for him to understand what his ears were deaf to hearing when we talked. We have struggled with communication for a long time, and we still slip into a void sometimes if we're not paying attention - and those times are not pretty to live through! He is not good at spontaneously reassuring me of his p-free commitment, and even now I sometimes find myself going almost crazy with the desire to hear him say "I find it difficult some days but I'm still clean" without me prompting him first. It's been almost a year and I still don't feel like I will ever completely trust him again, even when I have no reason to doubt his word. But I do know that there's a difference between him being trustworthy and me being trusting, and that the difference is my problem to sort out. I also know that he's a good man, that he tries his best to live an honourable life, and that he loves me and our son enough to change his life to keep us in it. I also know that I love him with all my heart, that nothing he's done will change that, and that the better we get through the "for worse" part together, the better the "for better" part will be. It the hardest thing to do, sticking by your man when he's hurt you so much...but it's worth fighting for, as long as you're both fighting for it.

Ok, this is much longer than I intended, and I'm not sure if it's logical, relevant or useful any more! So I'll stop here and let you get back to Christmas (Merry Christmas, I hope your son's not as overtired and overwhelmed by relatives as mine right now!). Let me know if you want clarification, an apology, or more rambling at some stage :D

Take care :)

[Chey143]

FG,
It means a lot to know you took the time to encourage me when we're all so busy with holidays and such. I consider it a gift, so thank you.

In the time I have now, I will say that I have more questions at this point than answers and the problem is getting to be that I need to talk to him about how I'm feeling and I sense the "here we go again" attitude from him which shuts me down and makes me angry. After all, it doesn't take much just now.

I'm also feeling a strange need to be very provocative towards him and almost prove to myself that I'm as desirable as his other women or to win back his affection in some way. I don't really like this in myself because the last thing I want to be is one of those women who will do anything on film for a few dollars.

As far as writing, it feels good to me to put all this down in words that I can reread and hopefully gain insight from others, like yourself. It does indeed help me.
I know he's been to this site and has read my original postings, but not sure he bothers anymore or to look at any other posts. I'm sort of glad to think he might be reading it at some point, if only to know things I should say but only thought.

Thank you again, FG.
Hope your life is wonderful today.

[FairyG]

Thanks Chey,
My life has been pretty wonderful, thanks :) Hope your Christmas was good also, and you found some colour in it?

It's hard, isn't it, when we want answers and need to talk...but when our reactions to those answers and conversations can so easily make our husbands close up again?!
When the hurt, anger and guilt is running so close to the surface it's really difficult for either the PA or the SO to seem to make much progress. (Not to harp on, but that's where counselling can really help).
But keep trying to talk - and when you're talking, keep those emotions in the here and now as much as possible. (Easier said than done, true, but practice makes perfect!)

It took me ages - we're talking months, here - to be able to talk to my husband about porn-related hurts without crying or feeling incredibly angry. Even now, if I think too hard about it, I can still cry myself dry - and he's been keeping himself away from the stuff for nearly a year!! But one of the best things I had to learn was to keep my emotions in the present - to learn to discuss (and argue about, if necessary) what I was feeling now, rather than bringing up every bit of hurt that porn has every caused me. That's where the writing helps - not necessarily writing I've done here (I kinda missed the journal boat, so there's lots that's been unsaid!) but I keep a 'little black book' (ok, it's really brown) for overwhelmingly angry or upset feelings, where I can write out all my deepest fears, anger and frustrations. I go and shut myself in our bedroom, have a screaming 'tantrum' of tears and self-pity if necessary, and then write until I have nothing left to say. I don't write it for my husband to read, but simply to get it out of my head. In fact, he once asked what I was writing, so I told him what it was - he asked if he could read it, so I said that he was welcome to, but that if he found it hard to see and hear my pain when we were talking (which he does) he would probably like what he saw in writing even less. To my knowledge, he's never felt the need to read it!
Anyway, anything that I feel still needs to be said to him, I will then write - minus the worst of the emotion - for him to read on a different piece of paper. We've started a few great conversations that way, and by keeping my own emotions at a level as much as possible we've finished a few great conversations that way also! That's not to say that I hide my feelings from him - not in the slightest! But I'm learning (I won't claim I've learned everything yet!) not to overwhelm him, and to keep things in the here and now. I tell you, the combination of motherhood and wife-to-a-PA-hood has put me on one of the biggest growth curves of this lifetime! These aren't lessons I'd have chosen to learn, and this isn't the way I'd have chosen to learn them either...but as per usual, it seems that the easy way out is not an option and that I'm destined to become a better person (or at least a wiser one) whether I want to or not ;)

Oh yeah, back to the point - what was I saying? :D
If your husband has read some of the stuff here on TTF, that's great. I'm sure it would have helped him. If he's not reading any more, don't necessarily take it as a sign that he's not interested in learning or changing. It may just be that he's overwhelmed by everything he's reading, especially knowing how he's hurt you. So as long as you know he IS staying away from porn, and he IS trying to change, and you're finding it hard to talk to him...maybe figure out the things that mean the most to you, the things you most want to say to/hear from him and write them out especially for him to read? Once you get those lines of communication going, everything else will fall into place so much easier.

The rollercoaster will likely have its hold on you for a long time yet, but ultimately patience is the key. It's so tempting to as a 'woman scorned' to want to make him suffer, to make him prove his love, to make him want you as much as he wanted them...but none of that helps you to heal, nor does it help him to heal either. Ultimately, what will really help to heal the both of you and bring you closer together again is time, patience, kindness, understanding and love.
Be as patient with yourself as you are (or want to be, some days!) with your child, learn to live in the moment as he does, and see how much better you feel for it.

Hope you see a rainbow today :)

[Chey143]

FG,
Thanks for the words of encouragement. What was up with that guy in my other thread?
There again you put things down much more...diplomatically. He made me mad but I probably shouldn't have put it all out there like that. I half expected to be booted off the site.

As for me, some days are better than others. Busy days are probably best for me in that I don't have time to think much about anything. When I'm home alone and the baby is sleeping I tend to fall back into the real ugliness of the whole thing. I usually end up crying a bit and cursing the world and otherwise wallowing in pity, then pull it together and get on with things. I know I'm not at the point of discussing anything without tears.

I'm glad I found this site and people who can truly relate. I still struggle with a lot of self esteem problems. I just have trouble with some of the logic of the whole thing. Some things still don't make sense and I still feel somewhat guarded - as if waiting for the next shoe to drop, ya know?

more later,
thanks again

[Charly22]

I know what ya mean about waiting for the next shoe to drop. Guess we should be glad that it hasn't thus far, huh?! Easier said than done.....

[Chey143]

Much easier said than done.

I doubt myself now. What was true? What is true? Is anything? Some days I feel like the world's biggest fool. Other times I feel like this must be the universe paying me back for some of the crappy things I did to other people (men) in my youth.

If so, maybe "what goes around" does in fact "come around". I hoping that now maybe me and the universe are square. :) As always, thanks for your input. Finding this site has been great for me. It was so nice to know there wasn't something wrong with how hurt I was.

Honestly, I would have traded this pain for any of the physical pain I have ever felt in my life - Contractions, tooth abscess, you name it. Those would feel like scratches next to this. If I manage to come out of this on the other side and in one piece, I will indeed be stronger.

[Chey143]

I know that I love him because I'm still living here after promising myself I would never live with this in my life again and because what has happened hurts like nothing has ever hurt me before. This isn't my first painful experience for sure, but it's been the deepest.

I know I hate him too. I hate what he did to the person I am. I hate this suspicious desperate person who is weak and powerless and stupid and blind and ugly in so many ways. I hate him for what he took from me and that he shattered what I thought we had. What I thought we had was great, it just wasn't the truth.

At the bottom of it, it hurts so much because I believed in him with my whole heart. I knew that he would never allow me to hurt like this. The one person I fully trusted. Yet he was so stupid and careless that it feels like he really couldn't have cared less - about me or how I would feel or even if I would leave. You just don't risk your wife and your life that easily without thought if you really, really care. I mean, it would at least cross your mind?

[Charly22]

The world, and society has got everyone deceived, to believe it is harmless, normal, nothing wrong with it. And therefore, if we feel there is something wrong with it, then we are made to feel like a prude. So, I am sure, his initial thinking when it DID CROSS HIS MIND...is that its ok, no big deal. Kinda like your mom doesn't want you to have all that sugar, but you think its no big deal.

But I keep thinking about the title of this website. Through the Flame. It carries so much meaning in it. I've always said that relationships don't last because noone is willing to walk through the fire. Or, they aren't equipped with the right armor to make it through the fire. We all have to walk through the flame. In one way or another. Either alone, or with someone. I think if the both of you walk through the fire together, you'll be quite glad you did.

[Chey143]

Maybe Charly, but in our case - with my past, the past he knows so well - he knew it would be devestating to me. There is nowhere else for me to go in my head than this truth. But to ask him, he would say for me to leave would the worst thing that could happen to him. Nothing makes sense to me anymore. I have only his word to go by now. Words don't change the truth when you see it. Everyone's situation is different. There are elements in mine that make it more than the betrayal that it is on the surface.

I'm still here but sometimes I feel like I'm "walking the the flame" alone, because he just can't see or feel the real pain I'm in. He thinks I'm still hung up on this same old thing. I know he wants to make it right, but I feel uncomfortable bringing it up because he thinks I'm just beating him up about,, you guessed it,,,the same old thing. I wish he would tell me he's sorry every day so I could know that at least knows, I'm still hurting. I know he wants things to be back to "business as usual" - I want that too, but I'm not there yet and I can feel the pressure to just "get over it".