Sick of trying

[One day at a time]

We often wonder what would of happened if I found out about his addiction 10 years into our marriage rather than 3 years. I'm glad it was sooner than latter so we have time to fix things before we have kids but I think it's scarier for him since I don't have as much holding me to the relationship. If I had found out about this in the first year of our marriage I have no doubt that I would of left him. If 3 years into it I have already grown so attached, I can only imagine 10 years into it! I still love him very much and that's the only reason I'm being wonder woman right now. I know he is still the same man I married but just has this whole other side I didn't know about which we are trying to get rid of.

Even though you feel like you don't know him anymore, just try to focus on the man you do know and the wonderful moments you have had in those 10 years, including your beautiful children. He's still in there, you just have to dig him out... with his help of course! That's what I'm trying to do at least...it's not an easy task though!

[Charly22]

Hope your anniversary went well, and I hope the both of you were able to reconnect with the true substance of what brought the two of you together in the first place!!! That's my prayer for you today.....AMEN.

[Chey143]

Wishing things could be simple, but they never are.
I wonder if it's really me that should feel guilty for my struggle to trust again?

I've put things out there I thought were clear. I've asked for a few compliments for my self-esteem, I've asked that he do his own research as to why I hurt like this, I've asked for liberty to talk about these things without anger and judgment from him. These things don't happen. But, I know he is trying in other ways.

He agreed freely to blocking software on some of our pc's. He went out on his own to replace "the" chair in our bedroom. He is more affectionate. He also spent some great family time with us recently. So, I know he's REALLY trying and I know he loves me but hates that I bring this pain of mine into our life.

He forgets he caused it. He wants to think that once he's said, it will never happen again that I should act like it never happened and be fully and suddenly trusting again.

He says things like, "You make me feel like I can't be trusted in my own bedroom or to be alone in my own house". Well, I say,,,,no sh*t. Although, it's not like he always waited for me to leave, but I know that was mostly the case. Why in hell would I feel comfy?

We were accidentally watching soft porn last night and he never asked me if I felt weird, or uncomfortable. Not even after I left for a while and came back. I know it was unintentional that we had rented this sort of film that we both thought was something else. I set myself up for a great boost to our relationship thinking that for sure right then he would ASK me if I was ok with what was happening - actually ask me directly about my feelings. When it didn't happen, I was disappointed/mad - and ruined today because of it.

I know a rant when I read one...thanks for reading everyone.

[Charly22]

I certainly don't think you should feel guilty. But maybe helpful when we realize we both have our roles in this process, and both have roles in the anger and preventing the forward movement of healing and learning.

I think it is awesome that you can recognize his efforts, shows his feelings for you are always there.....even though.....know what I mean?

I have noticed the same thing you mention, in my husband, regarding their expectations for everything to just be suddenly alright. Now that I have installed the K9 on our computer, I was trying to view the "internet activity" and it locked up on me, I was in hurry and just shut the page down and left. Well, he was going to use the internet for banking, and the internet told him "last page was abrubtly shut down, would you like to restore" and he told it yes, and was able to see that I was reviewing the recent activity. This made him feel awful, because he has been doing so well, and he told me about it. He told me that it bothered him that even though he is doing the right thing, he has to feel like I think he is not. He wanted credit for doing the right thing. At first it was kinda bitter and angry talking about it, but he told me that he needed me to believe in him. That kinda turned a light bulb on in my head. So....we dealt with it, and felt better at the end for having talked about it. He eventually understood that he should not expect me to not look, or to check. He finally admitted that all those times he told me he wasn't doing anything, but did anyway, that he realizes it will take time for me to feel good, even though he knows within his own head that he is doing good. I am sure it must feel discouraging to know you have done the right thing, but someone else doesn't believe you. But, it is their responsibility to help us work through this. no quick fix is there?

[Chey143]

I know. I just feel a bit resentful sometimes that this is my new reality. Fighting suspicion and trying so hard to feel good some days. I miss the days when this thing wasn't happening to me.

[Learning to Trust]

I too seem to be in this situation where my husband seems to feel everything should be fine sometimes because he says he has not done been doing anything and just wishes he could forget about it. This weekend he made that comment in a bothered tone of voice when I questioned him about temptation. "I just want to forget about it!" he sort of snapped at me. It hurt me to hear him say that I wanted to tell him doesn't he think I don't want to forget about it too? I don't want to or like to remember it either and I wish I could forget about it and try very hard but its easier said than done of course. I try to trust him but yes still check I think I feel especially uneasy right now because it is usually around this time approx a month at most nearly two months after the last "incident" that I find something again. I agree you should not feel guilty too. None of us should (I struggle with the same feelings of guilt sometimes) we are only human and its only natural in our situations healing takes time. I think the main thing is don't get consumed by the feeling of distrust and resentment but know and accept it will be there sometimes until the healing is done (try to get your husband to realize and understand this too) sometimes stronger than others be aware of it and deal with it when it comes but don't let it grow and grow to over power and consume you.

I do hope my husband realizes how many times he has told me so convincingly before that he was not doing anything when he really was. Its difficult to fully accept it without even the tiniest bit of doubt in my mind (especially after seeing some questionable emails) but I try that is all I can offer right now and hopefully he realizes and understands that. He may be doing good and he knows that and that should make him feel good I want him to feel good because of that if he is being fully honest. But we or I guess I should say I sometimes still need a lot of reassurance because of the past hurts and fears.

I miss those days when this wasn't happening too Chey I think we probably all do but we can get through this one day at a time.

I hadn't read these posts in a while but it was perfect timing when I came and read this which is exactly what I was feeling and dealing with this weekend too.

[Chey143]

Not posting much these days. Seeing my own words written in pain are just something I can't see everyday.

Today I feel a little numb in general. Nothing really bad has happened - well, I did have a birthday and had hoped for flattering comments or remarks once I was all dressed up for dinner- but I think he said I was "sprightly" or something. Not exactly the words to warm a woman's heart when she's feeling older this year than any other year in her life - at least compared to most all other women, the women he would rather I look like anyway. I think maybe he didn't want to lie to me about still finding me attractive. Although I know that men in general would.

Our sex life is in the dumps - he thinks it's health issues. Maybe, but sometimes I think he doesn't have a recent porn girlfriend image in his head that he can pretend I am, so he's not so interested.

And lastly, to finish my thoughts for today - he still resents the fact that he doesn't use his fancy computer in our bedroom, even though we agreed he wouldn't because of course that was where IT was happening. In OUR bedroom on what used to be OUR computer. He lashes out that he's not allowed to use it because "I'm uncomfortable" which I agree with and ask my own question "And why is that"...he replies.."because I'm an idiot". What wasn't said, but heard in that sentence was that he was an idiot for getting caught.

In general however, I'm feeling more settled into this new "normal". It's not the safe place I want it to be, but I know that for him to stop something he loved so much must mean he loves me more....

[Charly22]

hope you are doing good.

I really liked your statement of "but I know that for him to stop something he loved so much must mean he loves me more...."

Sometimes, even when we are receiving what we have hoped for and wanted....our thoughts patterns keep us stuck in the old....and won't allow us to perceive the good that is there.

Sending positive vibes your way :)

[Life-lies-trust]

Charly22,
You statement really hits home. I plan to look at it again when I have worked through some of this anger. THanks for the insight.