JerseyGirl ... an SO's Magical Mystery Tour!

[jerseygirl]

Hello to all! :)

I have been reading here as a guest for quite some time ... I then took the plunge and finally registered. It still took a few more days for me to actually decide to post and share a part of me and my life experience.

I'm 35 and have been married to my wonderful husband for 3yrs (together for almost 6 now). We have two great children (from my previous marriage) who are 10 (girl) & 11 (boy). They adore my husband and he is their 'father' ... they call him Dad.

Why am I here? I cherish and treasure my husband in almost every way. He is warm, affectionate, loving, emotional, intelligent, ethical, humourous, caring, musical, open, thoughtful ... but he has an addiction to porn.

We had a bit of a whirlwind romance and fell head over heels. I had been divorced for a year and he had recently left a long term relationship as well. We were both soon hitting 30, had learned from past relationship mistakes and wanted nothing less than honesty in our life.

One small catch ... we had a transcontinental relationship! He would fly to the US frequently and the children and I would then visit him in the UK ... fun fun! We were physically together for a year and then went the visa route and traveled to & fro for 18mo while that was being processed. We've since been settled in the US. I am a psych nurse and he is a house husband ... we live a comfortable lifestyle and it works for us.

So where did this all start for me?? Months into dating he said to me, "I have to be honest. I'm not this great guy that you think I am. I occasionally look at porn on the internet." I laughed at him and told him that I had a few videos of my own in the bedroom closet. A sigh of relief ... the moment passed. Easy enough, right??

Having now known my husband for years and hence learning how proper & reserved Brits can be ;;) ... that was just the tip of the iceberg. It wasn't til we married that he really let his guard down and share with me his life of porn. I'll share the Reader's Digest Condensed version:

• first computer at age 5 (no porn of course)
• first images at 8yrs of age ... introduced by 10yr old brother who had found his dad's magazines
• brother cont to share with him for years ... caught once by mum who didn't acknowledge the situation
• joined RAF and shared mags with mates & in private
• advent of the internet heralded the dawn of a new civilization
• a few serious relationships, 'caught' a few times but rationalized it
• during our separation when applying for visa ... more heavily immersed into porn
• finally in US ... was a stay at home dad ... kids went to school & I to work ... more internet porn
• realization of true porn addiction: 2006
• relapses & affirmations: ongoing

Little did I know ... until he vocalized it 2 yrs ago ... he was actually addicted to porn. My heart was crushed. =(( I think I even went into self denial mode ... sort of a self preservation. I haven't seen it here (yet) ... but I wanted to present Kübler-Ross' Five Stages of Grief. I think porn addicts and SO's alike can relate:

• Denial
  • Example - "Everyone looks at porn ... it's normal"
    
• Anger
  • Example - "Why me? It's not fair!" "NO! NO! How can this happen!"
• Bargaining
  • Example - "I'll do anything not to look at porn today"; "If he doesn't look at porn I will [fill in blank] for him"
• Depression
  • Example - "I feel like crap ... I might as well look."; "She/He thinks I'm looking, so I should give them a reason"; "I just know he/she is going to relapse, I'm just going to get hurt again."
• Acceptance
  • Example - "It's going to be OK."; "I can't fight it, I may as well prepare for it."

I think as an American ... I was already desensitized to a lot of the sexual images that bombard us daily, but I was completely not prepared for dealing with my husband having an addiction. This really threw me ... I'm a psych nurse of all things!! How can I NOT handle this?!?

For the better part of a year I retreated and the once confident self I was took a backseat. The odd thing was our sex life ... from day one til now it's always been active and amazing. Never once has it ever been anything less than enjoyable.

I made certain concessions mentally that I think sent confusing messages to my husband. At least it's not over the top porn, at least he's not paying for it (having a computer almost all his life ... he's GENIUS at it!!), at least he's not chatting with other women, at least it's only confined to the internet (no tv, mags, books, etc).

I went through the anger, the ignoring, the being hurt phases ... nothing really worked until the day I finally got to acceptance ... I'm married to a porn addict. I finally got to the point of being supportive ... although I have my 'relapses' in that dept as well!! ;;)

I've tried to 'steer' my husband in certain directions in the past, but we've both found it works best for us when he comes up with an idea and institutes it. It's such an intimate and personal journey ... I'm certainly his partner on the ride, but it all starts with him.

It has been months now ... we honestly haven't kept track ... since he's looked at 'actual' porn. He's tried lots of different stratagems ... first attempting to decrease his daily porn, then limiting it to 1hr once a week, to using a screen capture program. He eventually found OpenDNS and we both maintain it. There was never any point of buying/installing any software because they are easily manipulated. OpenDNS can be passworded ... at this point, since we're honest with everything ... we both have it. Just having this service is like a gentle hand on his shoulder. Can he turn it off when I leave the house ... does he? No ... for him it's about being honest and accountable and knowing that he has to earn back my trust.

However, it's only been about 7 days since he's tried searching. That was always part of the thrill for him ... searching it out. Obviously with OpenDNS on ... he is not able to find any actual adult sites, nor can he visit any site that allows video or file viewing/sharing ... but as an addict he sometimes finds the most innocuous sites to view.

I'll write more on my struggles over the last few years with this (as I feel I've already written a book!!), but I'm just really proud of my husband's continued effort with handling his addiction. It hasn't been easy ... we gave it many different labels ... his 'problem', 'issue', 'battle', before finally calling it what it is: an addiction.

I have found though ... the more supportive I am ... the easier it is for him. My support includes little notes that I leave on his computer in notepad (I believe in you!) to making sure that I show him enough affection to initiating intimacy. Another big part (for him & I at least) is asking how he feels and genuinely caring with getting upset. He knows he can tell me if he's feeling anxious, tempted, etc and I'll listen.

Will he relapse again ... a big part of me wants to be realistic and say yes ... but is that supportive? I don't know. I told him I found this site and he was a bit discouraged since it's been 7 days clean. He didn't quite understand why I was reaching out now since it's been months from actual porn viewing and now a week from 'searching out' (models/actresses/etc).

I think I just felt it was time to expand from just him & I talking about ... we don't argue & have disagreements anymore, but I definitely have a need to 'talk' about it. Out of respect for my husband's privacy I haven't discussed his addiction with anyone except his mum ... he finally opened up to her last year on one of her biannual US visits.

I've rattled on for ages now ... I feel like I'm sitting in a nice comfy chair with a cuppa coffee ... it's comforting somehow.

Thanks
~jersey girl~

[jerseygirl]

Day 8

So, I've never been one to really 'keep tabs' ... there have been so many stops & starts that I realized the only thing that matters is today.

Yesterday we were sitting outside of our daughter's classroom waiting for our parent-teacher conference, I was rubbing his back and asked, "How are you feeling?" I'm not sure if it's a "Brit living in America" thing or a porn addict thing ... likely a combination of the two, but social settings tend to make him a bit more nervous. Sometimes he feels like 'everyone knows'! I've seen a few other addicts post about this and didn't realize how common it was. But, he told me he was feeling good ... a bit more 'awake', if you will & that he hasn't been having any real problems. Then he said, "I just hope it lasts this time" I told him to worry about today and that I was proud of him TODAY.

I'm sure it's quite daunting for him since his spiral into porn began 25 years ago. He has mentioned that sometimes it gets on top of him to think that he will never look at porn again. I think that's the hardest part for any addiction ... the 'never' part.

Last night I was watching TMZ before we went to bed (i know ... it's utter rubbish ... but it makes me laugh) and at the end they had some girl outside a club in just a bikini. I honestly didn't know what I should do ... pause it, fast forward by it, turn it off, or distract my husband with mindless waffle! In the end ... I did nothing. :( I was like a deer in the headlights and my internal dialogue lit up like the 4th of July.

What is he looking at exactly? Does he think she's prettier than me? Is he turned on? Is he going to slip now? WHAT IS HE THINKING?? This girl is ugly ... scraggly hair & smudged makeup!

So after the show ended I just asked how it made him feel and he said that he wasn't aroused by it ... so I guess that's a good thing. We chatted a bit more about our day and went to sleep.

And here we are ... in another new day! :)

~jerseygirl~

[TryingToChange]

jerseygirl,

Thanks for posting these insightful thoughts. It has always been interesting to me to know what my wife actually thinks about my PA. We've never had very detailed conversations about the topic. Instead, she would (justifiably) get mad, then upset, then depressed, then resolutely move on. I would see all of these emotions in her, but she would never really share what she was feeling. Her response to my questions would always be "How do you think I'm feeling?" and burst into tears. I hope you don't think that I'm trivializing her reaction or somehow blaming her for my PA, but these reactions are what have kept me from confessing to her again.

I hope that the next time I get the nerve to confess to her again (or stop justifying the reasons for not confessing to her) I can get through her first emotional reactions and work through the issue together because I know this would be much, much easier with her help.

TTC

[Walkman]

jerseygirl -

I'm a day or two late but I especially wanted to thank you for starting your journal. Your entries - especially your first entry - caused me to delete all the P from my computer.

Until I read your journal, I thought PAs were something that just bothered men. I was aware that women generally didn't like P but figured they had their own foibles like romance novels and soap operas. Your entries have been real eye openers for me.

Again, thanks.

Good luck and best wishes,
Walkman

[jerseygirl]

*waves*

Still lots to say and journal about ... always have feelings to get out, but we're getting ready to head to our shore house for holiday!

I will say quickly that last night when my husband got into bed, he sweetly thanked me for being so supportive. We've been through a lot in the last 2 yrs to lead us to today and it was really nice to hear it from him.

Thanks Walkman and TTC for your posts! I'll comment more when we get home!!

To all those here and abroad that are celebrating ... have a happy thanksgiving!

~jerseygirl~

[Dosta_je]

I feel very good after having read your posts; they offer a new perspective and are at the same time comforting. Thanks. And I learned a new word here too: innocuous (OK, more like a review, I know I've heard it s/w before, but I couldn't remember what it meant) :)

Best of luck!
Vladimir

[jerseygirl]

Hi All!!

Hope that you all had a nice holiday (those that celebrate! ;) ). I'm sure it will take me a few days to catch up with all the new posts out there!

As you know, we went to the shore house for Thanksgiving. The children were visiting their bio father in another state ... he's mentally handicapped (developed after we divorced), so they only see him & his family about once a year. We took the opportunity to head to Atlantic City! woot!

My mom & stepdad are high rollers, so we decided to eat at Trump's for our Thanksgiving dinner! heehee After dinner, my parents had to hit up their other casinos for their 'freebies' ... so my husband and I lingered at our table for some nice chitter chatting.

As we're sitting in this crowded dining room, my husband says, "I'm one of them now". I know other addicts have mentioned this before, but he just felt more 'normal' because he didn't have that guilty/ashamed feeling. I have to admit, he seemed more talkative and outgoing than I've seen him in a while.

What I really like about our time away was NO COMPUTER! I know that he's been doing well thus far and I should be more supportive, but I still have that little feeling deep down in my chest and niggling thoughts in the back of my head.

Yesterday was a bit rough, being back home after some time away. He was feeling edgy (as he calls it) and said he felt like he was being controlled. We've had conversations about this in the past and I really feel like I tried not to lose my cool and to remain supportive. He's just tired of the up & down feelings. What was really bothering him yesterday was not being able to look at porn ever again.

I never know what to say to that. Of course, 'I' never want him to look again, but my heart just breaks when I see what a hard time he is going through. We also talked about our intimacy ... that is an area where I still struggle and I hate that fact. Every once in awhile, I almost wish it was still years ago & I didn't know he had a problem because it really affected my self esteem in the bedroom.

I think that we are still intimate on a regular basis, but I know my husband would like it more. What we share is still wonderful, but there are times when my mind races:

Is he happy he's with me? Does he find me attractive? Do I turn him on? Does he like my [insert anatomy part here]? Is he thinking of something or someone else?

This is something that I've been trying to work on ... we had a great conversation about a month ago and my husband mentioned to me that I was allowing myself to become a victim of porn as well. That really struck a cord with me ... I was a victim in my previous relationship and there was no way that was going to happen again!

But ... I can only write so much for one day. Today is good. :) I'll be back tomorrow with more ramblings. Take care everyone.

~jerseygirl~

[jerseygirl]

Boy! Time sure flies sometimes!!

Things have been ok. I still feel like I'm on my guard all the time, even though I know my husband is trying his hardest. He had a slipup last week ... I'm not even sure what day now.

I was fast asleep and he woke me up to tell me that he had struggled and succumbed to it. As always, it starts innocently enough until the urge gets so strong that he almost feels strangled with it. I guess it was about 30min total ... most of it spent searching since OpenDNS blocks just about everything ... but like most addicts, if they search long enough, they will find something. So he said that he looked for about 5min and it was not as enjoyable (no masturbation either this time which is an improvement).

I honestly think that since we've both been so open with each other and I've tried to be more supportive ... it made viewing porn less attractive and therefore easier to stop himself.

I have to admit that it wasn't the nicest way to be woken up and I wasn't the happiest camper about that, but I do find it easier to deal with 'in the moment'. I'd rather it this way because it calls for immediate accountability and self actualization. Our talk this time about it, although a bit stern, continued to be an improvement from all the other times. No yelling, crying, stomping off, hurt feelings by either of us. He apologized and asked what he could do to make it up to me ... I didn't answer. I wasn't upset, but I was thinking in my head: "I shouldn't have to give you the answer how to make it up to me." I'm not materialistic ... I don't want flowers or cards or trinkets ... I just wanted him to make an affirmation that he wanted to conquer his addiction.

We've always been able to talk about his porn addiction just fine ... during 'normal' times. Having conversations when there's been a slipup is where we needed to improve. This was just another step in the right direction.

The next morning, my husband told me that he had thought about our conversation the night before and came to the realization that he needed to abstain from all porn, masturbation and sexual activity for 30 days ... a detox if you will. He said he was sexually dysfunctional. I know I was thinking he needed to make an affirmation, but WOW!

I didn't say much ... I was honestly shocked to hear him say that. I guess what lead him to that decision was when I said to him: "You've always said that you have a high sex drive, but you really don't. You have an abnormal sex drive because you've rewired your brain and you just 'think' you do now." Of course there was a little more, but I think you get the point.

It was hard to hear as well ... it made me sad. Sad because I hate that my husband has to even deal with all this inner turmoil. There are even times when I get upset with his mum for not doing anything about when he was younger and she caught him and his brother with a magazine.

I also thought of myself and how not having sex will affect me. I came to the conclusion that if this is what will help my husband ... then I will do whatever it takes. We have a lifetime to be together.

He got to Day 3 and I guess while I was sleeping ... he started to have a search around. He had told me that he had been feeling 'edgy' (that's what he calls it). He stopped before he found anything, but decided that since he gave into the urge to even look ... he was going to start over.

I always make sure to ask how he feels. I want to explore thoughts and feelings ... to be on the same page. He made it to Day 3 again but this time masturbated during his bath. I don't know why but hearing that never bothers me as much as him looking for porn. But again, he was disappointed in himself ... he is his own worst critic.

That brings us to today ... Day 1 again. Oddly enough, he's been asleep for the better part of the day. And I mean 'out like a light'. He predicted that he may take ill while going through this process and he knows his body well. I know it's extremely taxing ... not only mentally, but physically as well. If I could go through this for him I would in a heartbeat.

It's like he's riding an emotional roller coaster and can't get off. There are times when he's down and I just don't know what to say to comfort him.

On the positive side ... his relationship with our son has greatly improved in these last 2 weeks. I don't know if it's because he's not as 'drained' and has the energy to laugh and joke around or because there isn't that guilt factor involved that I've read some porn addicts talk about here. *shrugs* Heck, I don't even know if it's directly related, but I think it is.

I'll wrap this up now ... still so much to say, but it will have to wait for another day.

~jerseygirl~

[Charly22]

I think this is the hard part for us SO's to figure out, that as long as we are angry, bitter, refuse to hear anything about it, and put up a wall, that makes them want to wallow in it more, only because it is their security blanket. If they have nothing else to turn to, to comfort them, its all that much more enticing. If one truly makes the decision to stay with their partner, to work through the problem, they must learn to allow them to fall, and find that the P is not a true security blanket, and that WE are. It seems as though you have definitely been able to do this for your partner. Kudos. And I pray, that each time he reaches for P, I pray that he feels empty and feels the darkness it creates, and will learn to reach for you to comfort him.

[jerseygirl]

I feel like I'm stuck in mud my wheels. Has my husband improved tenfold? Yes. Do I still want more out of him? Yes. Is this an unreasonable expectation? Therein lies the problem.

He's come so far from where he was 2 years ago, 1 year ago, 6 months ago ... as have I in my support, but we seem to be at an impasse. I'm tired of the slip-ups and the excuses & hurt feelings that come with them. He's tired of feeling that I don't care about him or find him attractive anymore.

I love this man and find him more than attractive, but I just can't get him to fully understand the hurt that has been caused to me, my heart, my head, my soul. I want to let my walls down ... I want nothing more than to be wrapped up in his arms. Barring his porn addiction, he's a sweet, sensitive, emotionally in touch kind of guy. Sure we have the normal ebb & flow of any married couple, but the addiction makes some things feel more like a tsunami.

I really wish that it didn't bother me sometimes and that he could be the type of guy that occasionally has a peek ... but we both know it's a pipe dream.

His 30 days went ok ... some slip ups here and there, but on the whole he felt really great about it. He said that he feels more clearheaded and such.

At this point I'm just really trying to work through my feelings of insecurity. He does try and reassure me that his addiction and how he thinks of me are completely different ... but that's so hard to work out in my mind. I feel like I'm stuck behind a brick wall. I hate feeling like a victim to this addiction ... so frustrating.

Sorry my thoughts are all over the place ... just nice to be able to come here and ramble from time to time.

~jerseygirl~