My Journal first day still finding the truth

[Learning to Trust]

If anyone has read this already I apologize I posted this in the new member area first and now here. I have never kept a journal before but I'm going to give it a try and see how it works. I found this place through google and I'm hoping maybe it can help me move on and put what I'm feeling behind me. Although reading more and more in this site is kind of scaring me as to what could be ahead. I just discovered my boyfriends problem a week ago and I'm not sure how deep it goes. The things I have read of others experiences have made me start to rethink of situations in the past that now I'm learning might have been or are linked to sex/porn addiction. I really need to talk to him right now to get it off my chest and out in the open but have to wait till tonight when I see him.

Well I've been with my boyfriend for 10 months. We had the best relationship ever perfect in everthing happy as can be everything I ever dreamed of and more. Since we met 10 fabulous months without so much as a single disagreement or argument ever. I really trusted him entirely did not have a reason not to he was and I must say still is a great guy and I love him very much.

Now I've discovered he actually had an ad online under casual sexual encounters. His email was full of sent messages to random women. When he came home that night I confronted him and he confessed everything to me. It hurt so much I didn't know what to think he was crying and begging me for forgive him apologizing saying that he loved me and was so sorry. He said he did not know why he did it and that there was no excuse. A long night talking and crying on both our parts. He reasured me he never actually met anyone and I have asked him time and time again in different ways. He insists nothing ever went that far with anyone. I asked him why he said he didn't know it just never came to that point. He said he needed help that it had crossed his mind he might need a porn addiction course when it had been mentioned in church. He asked me for help and after a long painful night I told him I loved him very much and was willing to try to work this out together but he needed to get help and that he had to be completely honest with me from now on. He agreed to everything saying he never wants to hurt me the way he did and we are now working on this together one day at a time. I know without a doubt that he really does love me so much and obviously understands what he did was entirely wrong. It was and still is very painful but he is being very open with me and we are openly dealing with it and have started and online course together. He knows and understands I don't trust him like I used to and that its going to take a while before I do again. Well that is really the reason why I'm here I think because I'm trying to find out how to trust again. I miss that feeling of trust so much. I have always said without trust you don't have anything and I feel so scared that I will never be able to have that same trust with him again. I'm trying to but its so hard I don't like feeling the urge or need to be checking up on him. There was a time when I would have had no problem with him going out anywhere or doing anything but now not so much. I'm not sure if my situation really relates much to most of the people here since he was not just looking at porn but actually contacting local women but I just decided to give this a try and see if maybe it will help me move on and leave this behind. I'm praying this will not be a relapse situation like it seems so many here are. I'm sorry this got a bit long but thats my story and I needed to let it out thank you and God Bless

[Charly22]

Thanks for sharing with us. I think it's a very positive sign that he has talked so openly with you and is asking you for help. This is a tough spot for you. It's hard to be the one who listens, and be encouraging, when you are the one being hurt. Use this site as an outlet for you, so you can be there for him, without being bitter at him. I have learned that being bitter and angry and trying to shove in their face what they've done to you only makes them shrink up inside and close themselves off to you. Keep that line of communication open....it's very important right now. Educate yourself on this addiction. It will help you to understand that it's not about you. It will help you be able to be there for him. Sounds like he is a good hearted person and thank God the secret is out in the open. And you sound like a very loving and understand person as well. He is very lucky to have someone like you fighting in his corner. Stay strong. Have you guys talked anymore about this?

[Learning to Trust]

Charly thank you very much for your response well I guess things are ok now working on it. We have talked very much on this but not really sure how much good it really did. I had thought things were going great up until this weekend we were going through an online program together he said he was tempted any time I asked him but had not done anything and seemed to be honest with me and I believed him entirely. He told me if he ever gave in we would put a blocker on or something. Well this weekend I discovered he had been looking things up on a certain day when I confronted him he said it was an isolated case that that had been the last time. I was hurt that he did not tell me he had like he claimed he would I told him all I want is honesty he stuck to his story that it was an isolated case and not anymore. When I looked later that same night I was so disappointed to find out he was lying even then when I so clearly simply asked him to be honest and tell me the truth. In reality he has never actually stopped looking ever since the first incident when I caught him. I love him so much and it hurts to think he so blatantly lied to me I want to trust him but its only getting harder. He agreed we will put a monitoring program on his computer. We are getting married in less than a month and it scares me to think of not trusting him forever or how long this will go on. I love him so much and I know trully in his heart he loves me too. I would also appreciate if anyone can recommend a good monitoring program I've never needed anything like it before and have no idea what to get.

[Chey143]

If I were you, I would get OUT. Trust your instincts please. Don't go into a marriage that is based on lies. It's hard enough without that. Stay with him if you feel you have to until he clears up his "addiction". But don't marry someone who is right now lying to your face. You wouldn't keep a "friend" who did that. Don't marry a man who is.

[Learning to Trust]

I understand what your saying Chey but even though I am not married to him yet I can not imagine not being with him. Its something that is so much easier said than done when you trully love someone. I want to help him and am willing to. I admit it scares me to think that this could go on for years. I have been entirely honest with him and I tell him how I feel. The first thing he asks me is if I still want to marry him. How can I not want to when he is such a great man. Until this we have never had a single problem and this is still really the only thing we have had a discussion over. No arguments really because he completely admits to what he did being wrong in no way does he try to blame me. He told me he had never really tried to quit and didn't realize it would be so hard. He said he is willing to give up all access to his computer unless I'm around. I told him we would put a monitoring system on it were I will be able to block anything I choose to and I will also see everything he does on there. I hate having to do that but he said whatever it takes and I guess thats what it takes. Maybe I am doing wrong in staying with him but how can I let him go when I love him so much and he has always been nothing but good to me in every other way.

[Chey143]

I just think you should let him prove to you he can do this before you actually get married. It's the only thing that makes sense. He must love you enough to see that. He would want you to go into it without any doubts.

[Learning to Trust]

Things are going well can't really be sure how it will be with accountablity software because we are out of town right now visiting with his family for the holidays. Funny same thing happened the first time I caught him right before we were going to visit his family. He has no access to a PC here so no problems right now. As soon as we get back we will be putting the software on his PC. He hates the idea of having to pay for it but I told him its what will make me happy. Can't really find a good trustworthy and free one as of yet going to try the free trial and see how that goes.

I feel a bit disappointed in myself these past few days I have read time and time again here and several places not to think its me but have not been able to help but think that maybe he doesn't find me desirable or as desirable. We are getting married in about 20 days and had decided to abstain 30 days prior to our wedding night but I gave in and probably initiated it too partially because of my own desire of course I'm not going to lie but also because I wanted to feel desirable. I know it was wrong but oh well it happened can't undo it now.

Chey thank you so much for your advice I understand your concern and I agree. I admit I still feel a little uneasiness but I do believe we will get through this thanks to the great communication that we have between us even if he did lie in this matter. He is realizing his problem and is willing to do anything to take care of it and completely takes the blame. We are also goint to go through a couples class at church next month which I think will be great for us and really help from what I have heard from others. Its difficult to stop everything when we are getting married in less than a month everything is set and ready and can't just postpone it anymore.

Well all in all things have been great right now besides my disappointment in myself and my will power to abstain. I love my fiancee very much I know he loves me just as much or more as he always tells me and God can help us get through anything we may face together.

[Charly22]

I hope you are having a magical wedding and all is going just as needed for a beautiful life together....let us know

[Learning to Trust]

Thank you Charly the wedding was great a lot of fun we actually eloped to Vegas and gave our families a big surprise since his family is so far away and not fair to have all my family there and none of his so we decided it was for the best to just run off on our own. Well everyone was very happy and Vegas was great walking around as bride and groom people congratulating and taking pictures everywhere. So I took the plunge and said I do I very much appreciate your advice and you really made me think twice I hope you won't have to say I told you so at any time. Well on our way to Vegas (we drove) we started talking and this came up or rather I think I brought it up. I have had the computer monitoring program on his pc well silly me thought it was going well caught him checking women out on it immediately on a non P website brought it to his attention he tried to justify apologized and it was the end of that. During the drive we talked about the program I feeling confident that I knew what was going on his pc. He said it wasn't true that I could see everything and fessed up and reminded me that he still had his old laptop. Silly me completely forgot about that thing. I suppose its good that he actually told me about it because who knows when I would have realized it and we agreed I was going to take it. Needless to say as soon as we got back from Vegas I made sure to take the laptop. Please please please don't say I told you so I know it might be a struggle but I decided to take the plunge anyways I know I love him very much and could never leave him. Right now I'm a happily married newly wed wife its a strange feeling lol.

[Chey143]

Good luck to you and I wish you both every happiness. Take care of yourself!